Disclaimer: I do not own HP, but...well I guess that's it really.
The Fanciful Four
The Adventures of SuperSev and Braingirl...da dum da da da dum
"Now wait just one moment!" Hermione Granger shouted, as the super hero theme began to play.
Although he already regretted it, Severus Snape asked, "What's the matter this time?"
Hermione put her hands on her hips and stared up at the sky. "This story is sexist!"
Before Severus could ask why (and that's saying he actually wanted to know) Hermione explained.
"I'm your sidekick, which means I do nothing but look good in tight tights and a mini skirt," Hermione complained. "And I'm called Braingirl. I don't even have my name in it like you do."
"Well, you do look goo…I mean, I don't think three letters count as a name," Severus covered quickly.
"Well, it's better than Braingirl! And why is it always something-girl? I'm a woman!" Hermione said, as she stamped her foot.
"You sure are," Severus complimented.
Hermione, thinking he was being sarcastic because of her pouting, decided to do something really mature and stuck her tongue out at him.
Severus returned the favor, although he could think of a much better use for their tongues.
"Well, it's not like your name is that great either. SuperSev? Come on, get real!"
All of the sudden the booming voice of the writer…boomed from above where she was having an alfresco lunch on a cloud with the Metatron.
"Ok, fine. Your names are now Batgit and Super 'Mione. Happy?"
"No," the two answered in unison.
"Well, anyway," the voice continued, "go meet Wonderboy, the Flaming Head, and Ferretboy at Hogwarts," the writer sniggled. "Give you one guess what Ferretboy's power is."
Severus scratched his head. "Is that some new sexual term? I can't keep up anymore. Every time I open my mouth I offend someone. Nothing is sacred anymore. Thongs, apple pie, the list goes on and on. I can't even go hide in my dungeon anymore because people think I'm doing naughty things down there," Severus complained.
"Then you probably don't want to know what Flaming means," Hermione laughed.
Severus just glared at her as they jumped into his Gitmobile and drove to meet the other heroes. After a long drive during which time Hermione described in great length something or other, Severus was glad to be at Hogwarts. His happiness lasted until he saw the three other superheroes.
"Harry? Ron? What are you doing here?" Hermione exclaimed.
"We're superheroes!" Ron a.k.a. the Flaming Head explained. "We call ourselves The Golden Trio!"
Hermione's face fell. "But that was our name!" she exclaimed.
"You've been replaced by a more qualified person," Draco a.k.a. Ferretboy snarled. "So what are you anyway," he said while looking her over, "Mudbloodgirl?"
"Uh-oh," Severus thought, "Now he's done it. She's going to kill him for saying that."
Just as Severus predicted, Hermione whipped out her wand and blew Ferretboy to smithereens.
"I'm not a girl!" she yelled.
The remaining two of The Golden Trio: Super Hero Edition, glanced momentarily at the space that use to be Ferretboy and then ran to give Hermione a hug.
Severus rolled her eyes.
"Hey, stop that! I can roll my own damn eyes!" Hermione protested.
Severus shrugged. He couldn't help it if he could control people. Just like he couldn't control what he was about to do.
"Ow, ow, ow," Harry a.k.a. Wonderboysaid, as he continuously bashed his head against Ron, who joined him in a chorus of ows.
"Batgit," Hermione warned.
"Batgit, that's…ow…funny," Ron laughed or cried.
As Hermione glared at him again, Severus shot her a look of his own.
"And exactly what are you going to do…"
Severus didn't get a chance to finish his sentence as he turned into a pumpkin.
"I hate vegetables," he complained, in Vegetablese.
Hermione, who was fluent in over 20 languages (Vegetablese being one of the many Edible languages she knew), just chuckled.
"Will you be nicer if I turn you back?" Hermione asked, although to the guys it just sounded like "Veell yuoo be-a neecer iff I toorn yuoo beck?"
Severus nodded, or to be more precise wobbled back and forth.
Hermione smiled and Severus resumed his regular shape, although his pants seemed a bit too long for him now. He gulped. "I hope that's the only thing that's changed in size," he thought.
"Hah, hah…Snape has…ow…size issues," Ron laughed.
Severus looked worriedly at the Flamming Head. "Your power is reading minds?" he asked uneasily.
"No, but I could tell by the…ow…way you were…ow…looking at Little Batgit."
Ron and Harry exchanged high fives as they continued to exchange high heads. When Hermione gave Severus the "if you don't want to be a squash again" look, he reluctantly stopped the two bumping heads. "It wasn't like it was going to damage anything," he mumbled.
All of the sudden Hermione pulled out her wand and pointed it at him. Severus crossed his fingers and hopped that this spell wouldn't cause him to shrink.
"Batgit, look behind you!" Hermione yelled.
Severus turned around, relieved that he was not to spend the rest of his life as a turnip or something equally horrible, when he found himself staring up at something even more horrible than a giant turnip with two heads. It was a giant Weasley with two heads.
"Oh…potter."
"Yes?" Harry answered.
"No, that's my new word for shit."
"Oh…okay then," Harry replied.
"I suggest we run," Hermione said. "Does anybody second the motion?"
"I."
"I!"
"Aye aye captain!"
After everybody rolled their eyes of their own accord at Ron, they ran while screaming like little girls. They made it about four feet when the two-head redheads picked them up.
"Hey there little people. Our name is Geored," one of the heads said.
"I thought we decided our name was Frerge!" the other head yelled.
As the two heads started arguing, Harry whispered to Snape who was two fingers away from him.
"Quick! Grab my wand."
"Grab your own wand," Snape said. "I'm busy trying to esca…"
After turning beet red at the fact that he was a very perverted man, Snap grabbed Harry's wand out of Harry's back pocket and tossed it to its owner.
Harry muttered a few choice words and moments later Geored or Frerge (whichever you prefer) was lying unconscious on the ground.
While the four freed themselves Severus begrudgingly congratulated Harry.
"Well Potter, you've managed to save the day. Again," he said coldly.
Harry smiled smugly. "Yes, I believe that brings my grand total to three. Although, who's counting?"
"Three?" Hermione asked puzzled.
"Just right now, killing Voldy," Harry said as he counted them on his fingers. "And this particularly interesting night at the Three Broomsticks when I helped Sna…"
The story of Harry's third victory was cut short when Snape placed a silencing charm on him.
"He helped me out of a rough spot, that's all," Severus explained. Behind his back Harry mimicked drinking and some other rather inappropriate actions.
Ron laughed. Hermione looked horrified and Harry cried out in mute pain as Severus's elbow collided with his ribs.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you were there," Severus lied, rather unconvincingly for a former spy.
Rather unconvinced, Harry just glared back at him. A few moments passed before Ron made an announcement.
"I've got a plan!"
The other three were saved the mental anguish of having to listen to him by the arrival of Albus Dumbledore (a.k.a. the Candy Man, because the candy man can)
"Um Albus," Severus questioned, "why are you in a wheelchair?"
Albus smiled and his eyes twinkled. "Don't you think it makes me look powerful?"
Severus lifted a overly huge eyebrow. "About as much as that Smurf tattoo on your…"
This time it was Severus who was hit by a silencing charm.
"He never would tell me how he found out about that," Albus muttered.
Harry, who was now able to speak again, explained. "Prof. McGonagall told us." What Harry neglected to mention was who had spiked the professor's punch in the first place, which had led to her giving out rather private information. The number of spikers was also an important fact.
A duet of "ews" came from Ron and Hermione.
An incredibly awkward silence followed until Albus spoke again. "Well, I have a mission for you all. Dr. Von Voldymort has captured Princess Ginny. You are to find her and bring her home. Any ideas where he might be keeping her Severus? Speak up my boy!"
"Sir, you have him under a silencing spell," Hermione reminded him.
Albus's twinkle faded for a moment before he shook his head and winked at Hermione. "It's true what they say. You really are the smartest witch of your age. I was just testing you."
Ron snorted. Even he got that one.
Albus had just finished unmuting Severus when Harry spoke up. "Is Dr. Don Voldymort related to my Voldy?"
The old crazy man turned towards Harry. "In the respect that he's the same guy, yes. Oh, by the by, did I forget to mention that you didn't actually kill him last time and he's still alive?"
Severus chuckled. "Nice one potterhead."
Harry did a double take. Then he did a triple take. Then he fainted.
Next Episode: The Fanciful Four get their name.