Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men Evolution or How To Train Your Dragon. If I did I wouldn't be writing this.
"Hellooo X-Men and Brotherhood and welcome to my version of How to Train your Dragon." A fifteen year old girl with shoulder blade length brown hair, pale skin that was only slightly tanned, dark brown eyes behind thick purple glasses and a devilish smirk says in an almost American accent greeting everyone in a soundstage that seemed to go on forever.
The girl is wearing a brown cowboy hat, a black t-shirt that says 'Rogue Rebel' in bright blue letters under a blue open button down long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, dark blue jeggings which hug her figure, brown boots that reach her knees and a pair of black gloves. Overall she looks like a country girl but something about the way she held herself suggested that she had quite a bit of power. Considering the fact that she managed to get both the X-Men and the Brotherhood into the same room without any fighting I'd say she has quite a bit of power.
"Who are you?" Magneto asks clearly distrusting of the girl partially due to the fact he thought she was a human.
"Name's Chavonnie26 and since you're wondering yes I technically am a mutant in a very loose sense of the word." The girl says as her eyes flash blue and the sound stage they are in transforms into a Viking village on an island.
Everyone looks around in somewhat awe before Chavonnie26 disappears in a flash of blue light. Everyone is confused until they are enveloped in a flash of blue light and the movie begins with a select few people being turned into dragons.
We skim above a dark, wild ocean. The camera turns toward a lone island, New York. It is a gigantic shard of rock jutting straight out of the water covered in greenery that Chavonnie26 had way too much fun with.
"This is New York. It's twelve days North of hopeless, and a few degrees South of freezing to death. It's located solidly on the meridian of misery." Rogue says in a voice over Chavonnie's powers were kind enough to provide.
We drift over rolling hills to reveal a small village nestled on an outcropping of sea mounts. All the houses look like Viking homes but if you looked closely you could see some hints of African designs.
"My village. In a word, sturdy. And it's been here for seven generations, but every single building is new." Rogue continues as we drift closer circling the village.
"We have fishing, hunting, and a charming view of the sunsets. The only problems are the pests. You see, most places have mice or mosquitos. We have..." Rogue says as we shift over to some sheep grazing peacefully on a hillside. Suddenly one is snatched.
We quickly cut to the inside of one of the homes as a door is pulled open... and a dragon swoops directly toward it, blasting fire. The door is slammed shut. The fire shoots through the slats of wood, illuminating Rogue dressed as a teenage Viking with her hair in a ponytail. Her outfit matches Hiccup's from the original movie down to the letter as most of the outfits in the production do. Rogue is also wearing a pair of gloves.
"...dragons." Rogue gulps trying not to set her outfit on fire.
She soon reopens the sizzling door, as leaps off of the front porch. She weaves through the erupting mayhem as Vikings (Some poor extras, X-Men and Brotherhood members tricked into playing cannon fodder) pour out of the buildings, ready for a fight. More dragons swarm in, setting rooftops alight and hauling off sheep that will soon be used to cook Chavonnie's Christmas meal for her family. (I have a big family)
"Most people would leave. Not us. We're Vikings. We have stubbornness issues." Rogue says in a voice over again as the Vikings sound the alarm.
Viking men and women pour out into the streets, axes in hand. During this Rogue is darting through alleys, staying under eaves, making her way through the battle surprisingly not getting hurt.
"My name's Rogue. Great name, I know. But it's not the worst. Parents believe a hideous name will frighten off gnomes and trolls. Like our charming Viking demeanour wouldn't do that." Rogue says still in her voice over as dragons sweep back and forth, dodging axes and blasting the Vikings who throw them. A burly warrior gets tossed in an explosion, knocking Rogue to the ground.
"Arggghhhhh!" the Viking yells furiously before giving Rogue a cheery almost insane, "Mornin'!"
Rogue gets to her feet and continues to rush past gigantic men and women trying not to be stepped upon.
"Meet the neighbours. Hank the Genius..." Rogue says still in voice over as we wonder if she'll ever talk normally.
"What are you doing out!?" Beast asks trying not to get killed.
" ... Bobby the Clown..." Rogue voice overs.
"Get inside!" Bobby yells tossing an axe covered in ice at a dragon.
"... Jubilee the Firecracker..."
"Get back inside!" Jubilee yells more concerned for her health than Rogue's as she fires some of her fireworks at a dragon.
"... Colossus…"
Rogue passes a silent ox of a Viking, completely covered in steel skin.
"Yep, just Colossus."
Now enters everyone's favourite aggressive mutant, Wolverine, the shortest yet toughest Viking of all. He yanks Rogue from the path of a strafing dragon and holds aloft to the crowd.
"Rogue!? What is she doing out again?!" Wolverine asks the crowd angrily slightly shaking Rogue despite him being shorter than her.
"What are you doing out?! Get inside!" Wolverine yells as the flames light up his scowling face and side burns.
He sets Rogue down and turns to the sky, searching.
"That's Logan the Wolverine. Chief of the tribe. They say that when he was a baby he popped a dragon's head clean off of its shoulders with his claws. Do I believe it?" Rogue asks in a voice over her voice filled with awe.
Wolverine grabs a wooden cart and hurls it, knocking the strafing dragon out of the sky.
"Yes I do." (I really don't blame her)
An explosion forces Vikings to duck. Wolverine stands firm, brushing flaming debris off of his shoulder. Wow now that was cool. (I agree.)
"What have we got?" Wolverine barks to the terrified extras
"Blobs. Spykes. ShadowCrawlers. Oh, and Hank saw a Monstrous Pyro." One of the extras says knowing that Chavonnie was watching with her hand on the button for the shock collars.
"Any Rebels?" Wolverine asks hoping the answer was no.
"None so far." The extra says as Wolverine relaxes ever so slightly.
"Good." Wolverine says relived.
"Hoist the torches!" one of the Vikings yell as massive flaming braziers are raised on poles, lighting up the night sky... and revealing swirling dragons of all types.
Below, Rogue crosses an open plaza and ducks into an open building with a tall chimney. She crosses behind a counter, where a peg-legged, one-armed Forge reshapes blades with a hammer and tongs appendage.
"Ah! Nice of you to join the party. I thought you'd been carried off." Forge says as Rogue dons a leather apron and starts to put away Forge's scattered appendages.
"Who me? Nah, come on! I'm way too muscular for their taste. They wouldn't know what to do with all this." Rogue says as she strikes a bodybuilder pose.
"They need toothpicks, don't they?" Forge asks clearly not impressed. (Either that or something to make stew with.)
Rogue gets to work, transferring bent and chipped weapons to the forge as Vikings crowd the counter for replacements.
"The moron with attitude and interchangeable hands is Forge. I've been his apprentice ever since I was little. Well...littler."
"We move to the lower defences. We'll counter-attack with the catapults." Wolverine says planning a counter-attack with his men outside.
Armed men rush past, flanking others who carry sheep to safety. Wolverine follows up the rear as, overhead; a dragon strafes the rooftops with Napalm-like fire.
"See? Old village. Lots and lots of new houses."(Ain't that the truth.)
"FIRE!" A Viking screams and in response, the fire brigade charges through the plaza - four teens, tugging a large wooden cask on wheels.
From it, they fill buckets of water to douse the flames. One among them is a handsome, red-on-black eyed Viking male. Rogue leans out of the stall to watch him as Chavonnie and all the other Gambit fans do the same but not covering up the fact that they were staring. A few were even drooling at the sight of Remy in a skin tight shirt. Remy's outfit was the same as Astrid's from the movie minus the band around his head and the skirt. (Must resist urge to squeal.)
"Oh and that's Scott, Jean, the twins Wanda and Pietro. And..." Rogue voice overs as we get a close up shot of each teen as their name is mentioned.
"Remy." Rogue says dreamily as a slow-motion explosion erupts behind Remy, framing him in a sexy ball of fire getting thousands of fangirls to squeal. The others join him, looking awesome and heroic.
"Their job is so much cooler." (I have to agree with you on that one.)
Rogue tries to join them as they pass, but she's hooked by Forge and hoisted back inside.
"Ah, come on. Let me out, please. I need to make my mark." Rogue begs sounding very much unlike the grouchy girl we all know. (Really? Cause I know her as a Southern Firecracker who always calls Gambit Swamp Rat. Oh right that's comics. This is Evo.)
"Oh, you've made plenty of marks. All in the wrong places." Forge says and it's true. (Yup and I got the scars to prove it. Please don't hit me. *Rogue reluctantly puts down the crowbar she was about to strike with*)
"Please, two minutes. I'll kill a dragon. My life will get infinitely better. I might even get a date." Rogue pleads and I think we all know who she wants to ask out.
"You can't lift a hammer. You can't swing an axe..." Forge lists as he grabs a bola (iron balls connected by rope for those who don't know).
"... you can't even throw one of these." Forge says as a Viking runs by and nabs it out of his hand, hurling it at a dive-bombing Blob. The bola binds its legs, sending it into a heavy crash.
"Okay fine, but..." Rogue says as she rushes to the back corner of the stall and presents a bizarre, wheel barrow-like contraption that Chavonnie probably put together on the fly, "... this will throw it for me."
Rogue opens the hinged lid of the device. An arm springs up, equipped with twin bows. They prematurely launch a bola, narrowly missing Forge... and taking out a Viking at the counter.
"Arggh!" the Viking shouts tangled in the bolas.
"See, now this right here is what I'm talking about." Forge says and here I was thinking that it was Rogue's powers. (I was thinking that too.)
"Mild calibration issue." Rogue says already getting to work fixing her machine.
"Rogue. If you ever want to get out there to fight dragons, you need to stop all..." Forge says gesturing in Rogue's general direction, "... this."
"But... you just pointed to all of me." Rogue says a little confused and insulted.
"Yes! That's it! Stop being all of you." Forge says glad that Rogue got it so quickly.
"Ohhhh..." Rogue says trying to be threatening but failing epically.
"Ohhhhh, yes." Forge mimics as getting a few laughs.
"You, sir, are playing a dangerous game. Keeping this much, raw...Vikingness contained." Rogue says sounding oh so awkward and then pauses before saying, "There will be consequences!"
Forge tosses her a sword which she stumbles to catch. (Not so tough without your powers are ya? *Notices a fully powered Rogue behind her* Uh forget I said anything. *Goes unconscious as Rogue drains her but springs right back up again* Ha nice try but no.)
"I'll take my chances. Sword. Sharpen. Now." Forge says as Rogue takes it begrudgingly and lobs it onto the grinding wheel.
Rogue stews... fantasizing... (Five bucks says she's thinking about Gambit *sees Rogue behind her with a crowbar again* Forget I said anything.)
"One day I'll get out there. Because killing a dragon is everything around here." Rogue voice overs as we see a bunch of Spykes land, gathering like seagulls around a seemingly vacant house.
"A Spyke head is sure to get me at least noticed." (Really? *looks to see Evan sitting nearby talking to Kurt* Excuse me for a second *Evan and Kurt notice me coming and start to run* I'll get you my not so pretty and your little elf too! *chases after the two with a chainsaw*)
The Spykes clamber onto the building, tearing the roof and walls apart. Sheep pour out and scatter. Elsewhere, hippo-like Blobs pick drying racks clean of fish and fly off like loaded pelicans.
"Blobs are tough. Taking down one of those would definitely get me a boyfriend." (Thanks for the tip! *Fred starts running as well leaving big dents in the floor*)
A stealthy, pink snake-like dragon head peeks over a rooftop, breathing gas into a chimney.
"A ShadowCrawler? Exotic, exciting. Two heads, twice the status." (Get back here you little pink wearing pixie! *chases after Kitty as well as the others now sporting a flamethrower as well* Ah forget it. *sits down nearby panting as the cast find places to hide*)
A second blue head pokes through the door and lights it. KABLAM! The two heads fly through the explosion, their necks zipping together to reveal a single duel coloured body. It flies past Wolverine as he climbs to the top of a catapult tower.
"They found the sheep!" the catapult operator says stating the obvious.
"Concentrate fire over the lower bank!" Wolverine yells frustrated as his claws peek through his skin.
"Fire!" the catapult operator orders as boulders are catapulted at the corralling Spykes...
Just as a huge red and orange dragon whips past, spraying the base of the catapult with sticky fire.
"And then there's the Monstrous Pyro. Only the best Vikings go after those. They have this nasty habit of setting themselves on fire." (Something tells me Pyro isn't gonna be happy I called him monstrous *Looks to see Pyro holding a flame thrower behind her* I was right *Runs like the Flash away from the flames before attacking back with her own flamethrower*)
It emerges from the flames, climbing the catapult with a leering, toothy grin. It seems to enjoy all the flames.
"Reload! I'll take care of this." Wolverine orders his claws coming out.
Wolverine takes on the Pyro, face to claws. Suddenly, loud ballistic moaning streaks overhead. The catapult crew ducks as we zoom back to Rogue. Rogue, looking up from her work, reacts to the same sound.
"But the ultimate prize is the dragon no one has ever seen. We call it the—"
"Rebel! Get down!" A Viking yells as Vikings everywhere take shelter. The moaning sound builds.
The Monstrous Pyro Wolverine was fighting suddenly stops fighting and takes flight. Wolverine looks skyward.
"JUMP!" Wolverine orders and the crew rush to do as he says.
KABOOM! The Catapult explodes as though hit by an artillery shell... sending Wolverine and the crew leaping for their lives.
"This thing never steals food, never shows itself, and..."
The sound recedes, leaving the crippled catapult in flames.
"...never misses. (Wait for a beat) No one has ever killed a Rebel. That's why I'm going to be the first." (Good luck with that.)
Back in the stall Forge trades his hammer for an axe.
"Man the fort, Rogue, they need me out there!" Forge shouts before pausing and turning with a threatening glare.
"Stay. Put. There. You know what I mean." Forge says before he charges into the fray, hollering.
Meanwhile, a smirk crosses Rogue's face. The same smirk most teenagers get when they plan to disobey their parents. WHAM! Rogue pushes her wheeled contraption through a wall of clustered Vikings. She weaves through the on-going mayhem, as fast as her legs can carry her.
"Rogue, where are you going?!" A Viking asks off screen.
"Come back here!" A different Viking yells at Rogue.
"I know. Be right back!" Rogue shouts as we shift to the plain below.
The Spykes have cornered the house-full of sheep. They close in, ready to spring upon them. Wolverine suddenly appears, hurling fishing nets over them. The surprised Spykes are caught. Wolverine and his men rush in. A Spyke blasts a hole through its net. Wolverine leaps onto it, clamping his thick arms around its head, forcing its jaws shut.
"Mind yourselves! The devils still have some juice in them." Wolverine yells as we shift back to Rogue.
Rogue reaches a cliff overlooking the smoking catapult and drops the handles to the ground. She cranks several levers, unfolding and then cocking the bowed arms of her contraption. She drops a bola onto a chamber and then pivots the weapon on a gimbal head toward the dark sky. She listens, with her eye pressed to the scope, hand poised on the trigger. She hears the Rebel approaching... and turns her aim to the defence tower. It closes in for the final strike, completely camouflaged in the night.
"Come on. Give me something to shoot at, give me something to shoot at." Rogue says to herself.
KABLAM! The tower topples. The blast of fire illuminates the dragon for a split second. Rogue pulls the trigger. KERTHUNK! The flexed arms snap forward, springing the weapon off the ground. The bola disappears into the sky, followed by a whack and a screech.
"Oh I hit it! Yes, I hit it! Did anybody see that?" Rogue asks surprised then elated.
Rogue's victory is short-lived however as a Monstrous Pyro appears, slithering up over the lip of the cliff.
"Except for you." Rogue says with an expression that shows she is clearly afraid.
Meanwhile Wolverine is holding down the netted Spykes. He hears a familiar holler and looks up to see...Rogue running through the plaza, screaming at the top of her lungs, with the Pyro fast on her heels. Alarmed, Wolverine abandons the Spykes and runs off.
"DO NOT let them escape!" Wolverine tells his men regarding the Spykes.
Meanwhile in the plaza Vikings scatter as Rogue dodges a near fatal blast. The Pyro's sticky, Napalm-like fire splashes up onto buildings, setting them alight much to the dragon's and Chavonnie's glee. Rogue ducks behind the last standing brazier - the only shelter available. The Pyro blasts it, spraying fire all around her. Rogue peers around the smouldering post. No sign of the Pyro. She turns back to find it leering at her, blocking her escape. It takes a deep breath. Rogue is finished. Suddenly, Wolverine leaps between them, tackling the Pyro to the ground. They tumble and wrestle, resuming their earlier fight. The Pyro tries to toast him, but only coughs up smoke.
"You're all out." Wolverine says as he smashes the Pyro repeatedly in the face, driving it away. It takes to the air and disappears. Winded, Wolverine turns to Rogue.
"Oh, and there's one more thing you need to know..." Rogue voice overs somewhat sheepishly.
The burnt brazier pole collapses, sending the massive iron basket crashing. It bounces down the hill, destroying as it goes and scattering the Vikings who were holding down the netted Spykes. The freed dragons escape... with several sheep in tow. (Ah the main course has arrived *puts on chef's apron and hat and picks up a cleaver* Excuse me for a moment.)
"Sorry, dad." Rogue says to a very miffed Wolverine and is it just me or is she suddenly very clumsy? (*while covered in sheep's blood* It's not just you. *wipes off blood before throwing towel to a very hungry Sabretooth*)
The escaped Spykes fly past with sheep in their clutches. The raid is over. The dragons have clearly won. The murmuring crowd eyes Wolverine, awaiting his response.
"Okay, but I hit a Rebel." Rogue says sheepishly trying to make things better.
Wolverine grabs Rogue by the back scruff of her collar and hauls her away, fuming with embarrassment. (Hey if I had a daughter this clumsy *motions to the Rogue damaged areas* I'd be embarrassed too.)
"It's not like the last few times, Dad. I mean I really actually hit it. You guys were busy and I had a very clear shot. It went down, just off Raven Point. Let's get a search party out there, before it—" Rogue says trying to get through to the very stubborn Wolverine.
"-STOP! Just...stop." Wolverine interrupts as he releases Rogue.
Everyone goes silent, staring expectantly.
"Every time you step outside disaster follows. Can you not see that I have bigger problems? Winter's almost here and I have an entire village to feed!" Wolverine shouts as Rogue looks around. All eyes are upon her. (This is sounding more and more like a family conversation in my household. Yeah turns out parents prefer you to play outside rather on a computer. Who knew?)
"Between you and me, the village could do with a little less feeding, don't ya think?" Rogue asks in a whisper as a few rotund Vikings stir self-consciously.
"This isn't a joke, Rogue!" Wolverine yells having had enough before saying exasperated, "Why can't you follow the simplest orders?" (Now this is really sounding like a conversation me and my dad might have)
"I can't stop myself. I see a dragon and I have to just... kill it, you know? It's who I am, Dad." Rogue says trying to explain her actions. (What I'm really looking for is the reason why she's so clumsy.)
"You are many things, Rogue. But a dragon killer is not one of them." Wolverine says completely disappointed in Rogue. (Ouch that has got to hurt.)
Rogue looks around to see many nods of agreement.
"Get back to the house." Wolverine says to Rogue before telling Forge, "Make sure she gets there. I have her mess to clean up."
Wolverine lumbers off in the opposite direction. Forge leads Rogue through the walk of shame. They pass the teen fire brigade as they snicker.
"Quite the performance." Pietro says sounding as if someone removed his brain and replaced it with a potato. (Wait wouldn't that suggest he had a brain in the first place?)
"I've never seen anyone mess up that badly." Jean says somehow losing her Miss-Perfect-ness and instead having the personality of your classic bully. (Oh that helped! Next time why not just shove her down a sandpaper slide? *Notices a lot of weird looks* My brother forced me to watch a lot of Iron Weasel okay?!)
"Thank you, thank you. I was trying, so..." Rogue says as she avoids Remy's glare and heads up toward a large house, standing prominently on the hill above the others.
"I really did hit one." Rogue says and I actually believe her. (Easy for you to say you're not tied up in ropes *struggles against a bunch of ropes before breaking loose* Haha nothing can hold me for long!)
"Sure, Rogue." Forge says not believing it for a second.
"He never listens." Rogue rants and who here actually expects Wolverine to listen. (Not me.)
"Well, it runs in the family." Forge says knowing that Rogue wasn't listening.
"And when he does, it's always with this... disappointed scowl. Like someone skimped on the meat in his sandwich or forgot his beer." Rogue says sounding a lot like Chavonnie26 when she rants about her dad before mimicking her dad by saying, "Excuse me, barmaid. I'm afraid you brought me the wrong offspring. I ordered an extra-large boy with beefy arms. Extra guts and glory on the side. This here. This is a talking fish bone."
"You're thinking about this all wrong. It's not so much what you look like. It's what's inside that he can't stand." Forge says trying to make things better but failing.
"Thank you, for summing that up." Rogue says sarcastically as they reach the doorway.
"Look, the point is, stop trying so hard to be something you're not." Forge says as we hear grumbling not from Rogue but from Chavonnie26.
Rogue sighs heavily.
"I just want to be one of you guys." Rogue says as Forge eyes her sympathetically.
Rogue turns and goes through the front door. And straight out the back door. She hurries off into the woods, determined to find the Rebel.
That should do it for the day. I'm Chavonnie26 and I parody it so you don't have to.