Nice psychological projection there. Hope nobody instantly notices and refutes it once again out of sheer boredom. Yeah, I know you're not supposed to give the narcs attention, but I can't help myself. I have to let it run its natural course out of my system.
A HYPOCRITE AND CANON HATER PARODY I COMPLETED
Certain long time running hypocritical self-absorbed douchebags invading fandoms and spamming them with their three paragraph self-insertion OCs poorly disguised as "canon" really do make me ill. They actually are the canon haters projecting their own internalized self-hatred and lack of skill onto the people they're jealous of. They tick everyone off with their constant OOC Daddy fetish nonsense they claim is canon with passive-aggressive author's notes whimpering that everyone in the fandom is a bad writer and canon hater when they are in reality the Ultimate Bad Writer and Canon Hater Extraordinaire. Possibly of all time.
And now, on to our story. Which I wrote in less than 20 minutes based off a random desperate request. Because I almost sort of but not quite feel sorry for the poor saps in this fandom. But then again, I didn't feel all that sorry for the Ben 10 fandom over here for all those years, and that was and still is my largest fandom. When everyone else has jumped onto or back onto Star Wars. Weak.
Long, long ago, in a sewer far, far away...we join our fab Dad, Mr. McGreasy Child Abuser, also known colloquially as Le Sewer King, He of Much Infernal Shrieking Stink and Bitter Repulsiveness With No Indoor Voice, so it's no wonder OP IDs so strongly with him, sitting on the John, wasting his miserable life attempting to manipulate those around him into giving him sympathy and attention.
"SHRIEK, SHRIEK, SHRIEK, all I do is SHRIEK about myself not being the center of attention and the MOST POPULAR ONE OF ALL, woe is me, I'm so outrageously bitter and it shows through everything I do or say!" this dedicated jackass Suethor with a chip on their shoulder's obvious self-insert...I mean, the Sewer King...shrieked bitterly as a fresh stream of rage filled farts escaped from between his pale, quivering cheeks. "It's NOT FAIR that everyone else in the fandom...I mean, this Batman fictional universe that I'm residing in...that I am wholly aware of so as not to break the fourth wall...doesn't bow down and worship me as the tragic and complex and fully deserving of popularity based character I am. All they wanna do is worship Mary Sues like Batgirl and ship Joker x Harley! Of which I am not a fan despite the relationship consisting of everything the Suethor who originally wrote me regularly gets off to. Including exposed underwear and bad slapstick and Chinese food."
And whoopee cushions in the vajayjay. If only Joker had long hair. Hmmm. Oh, wait, he does in several canon universes they must not know exist yet while somehow being The World's Biggest And Most Knowledgeable Batman Fan. Self-proclaimed, anyhow.
"I know my ability to do anything creative is nonexistent. Seeing others who can makes me experience the overwhelming VIOLENT NARCISSIST RAGE MELTDOWN. So I'm going to make everyone around me miserable. As usual," said the Sewer King, removing his bruised, aching cheeks from his favorite throne. He pulled up his trousers and dramatically hefted his months long unlaundered cape over his shoulders. "If daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
He burst into loud shrieking sobs, ran into the living room in the mansion in the sewer, and thrust his hands into the air, waving them.
"WHY AM I NOT THE MOST POPULAR CHARACTER IN THE BATMAN TAS UNIVERSE? IT'S NOT FAIR! NO, NO, NO!" He stomped his boots. The sound echoed loudly. "THIS WILL NOT STAND! NO, NO! NEVER! ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS IN THIS SERIES ARE NOTHING BUT MARY SUES, UNDESERVING OF POPULARITY WITHIN THE FANDOM! THEY ALL SUCK! EVERYONE BUT ME SUCKS! THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE CHARACTERS WHO ARE WRITTEN OUT OF CHARACTER BY THEIR TERRIBLE HYPOCRITE FANS! UNLIKE ME! I AM THE EMBODIMENT OF GENIUS WRITING! I AM THE CANON! I SHOULD BE THE FACE OF BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES! SEWER KING: THE ANIMATED SERIES!"
I'd watch it. Just for the laughs.
He cried until a flood of green snot poured out of his nose. Two of his cuddly alligators came up to him to soothe his trauma. He petted and cuddled them. Cuddle, cuddle, cuddle. Cuddle. Then cuddle some more. Kawaii, uguu. This is the real canon, haters.
"At least I have my family with me," he said, nuzzling the first alligator's nose as he scratched beneath the chin of the second. "Also I'm handsome as fuck and filled with sex appeal. Can't forget that cold, hard fact. Nnnm, hard fact. So hard." He winced at the sinful boner he had abruptly developed upon thinking about how hot he was. He slapped his hand over his stanky crotch. "My peenie is awake! It wants the puss-puss. Oh how I wish I had a Mary Sue to ship myself with. One who is Not Like The Other Girls so the Suethor can still feel superior to the rest fo the fandom even while engaging in the same run of the mill tropes as everyone else." He whimpered and crammed his fist into his mouth.
Footsteps drew his attention. He looked up and saw an intruder in his domain. His castle, his kingdom, his sanctuary away from filthy normies. He scowled at the grinning woman who approached him. His eyes widened when she came into the light. It was not a pleasant sight to behold.
She was wearing a dirty, stained shirt with his face on it. Her hair was long and greasy, just like his. She wore a set of black rimmed glasses that looked almost like goggles. One was missing a lens. Her stance was hunched, her fingers gnarled into twitching claws of clearly malevolent desire. She drooled as she stared at him. Her eyes locked onto his crotch bulge. It immediately deflated in fear. She scowled.
"Uh, can I help you? Miss?" the Sewer King said before shaking his head. Wait, that wasn't like him. Was it? He straightened up and pointed at her. "TRESPASSER! What are you doing down here in my sewers? You are DISTRESSING MEEEEEE!"
The woman set down a karaoke machine, the microphone still clutched in one hand. She licked her lips hungrily. "You're mine. You are my OC. I actually hate canon. That's why I refuse to acknowledge it outside of my perfect OOC matrubation fantasy where the character I project myself upon does anything I want them to. And what I want is for my evil and greed and obsessive controlling, violent tendencies to be completely sympathized with while I take no responsibility for my abusive actions! I also want my inceldom to be rectified, so we get a lot of me consistently pining over an ex, them forgiving me for my evil, abusive nature, and if not, we go straight into the murder-suicide pact. Nobody notices, right?" she muttered in a monotone voice. "It's not horrifically overt or anything. At least that's what I keep telling myself!" She giggled.
The Sewer King gasped. All at once it dawned on him what he was now face to face with. A rabid self-insert shipping stan who wanted to use his body any which way she felt entitled to, including but not limited to as a bodysuit for her vicarious virgin sexual degradation fantasies and unjust villain woobification self-pity validation methods.
"Oh shit," he breathed.
"I'm ETERNALCUTEPINKSEWERKINGFAN1," she said. "I'm here to make you my newest sissy abuse fetish bitch since nobody's paying attention to me in that shitty Peter Pan fandom, which was full of trolls and haters and Suethors who all write OOC bullshit about their gross incest and pedo kinks, unlike me, who is pure and special and better than everyone else even though I've been caught writing the same shit in different fandoms over the course of ten years, probably more. I just assume nobody can figure that out yet. I are very smart."
Indeed.
She pointed at him with the karaoke mic, causing him to flinch.
"You're a canon character who I've projected myself onto because you're a child abusing piece of shit who has bad hygiene and glasses and some form of animal companion and that's the only type of characters I give a fuck about. Ones I see myself and my OCs in, who all share the same traits." She giggled again. "That's because I steal them and claim them as my own. Because I have no talent or creativity! Now I have to make up a sad backstory about you having meanie weenie abusive parents who forced you to eat vegetables and wouldn't buy you every single thing you screamed for the second you demanded it. And also rape and torture you because I get off on being a female domme who tortures sissy subs to watch them cry in the same way I torture people in the fandom by forcing them to endure my constant whiny pissfart passive-aggressive bullshit. I am a coward at heart who runs from direct confrontation. Where did all my former minions go? Guess I scared them away with my transparently two-faced and overwhelmingly self-absorbed nature." She shrugged. "What can I say? Narcs gonna narc! THAT IS ALL NARCS CAN GRASP! THAT THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUNDS ME, AND ONLY ME!"
Her Pepsi stained teeth showed through the ever widening mad grin.
The Sewer King bent over and vomited before he cowered for several minutes. He probably pissed his pants. If you want to imagine that. You dirty little omorashi fanatics.
"Don't forget the shit! Scat is a hilarious and disgusting fetish that far too many people on the internet have! The internet gives sadists an echo chamber in which to reinforce and promote themselves. Get used to it." He grunted and dropped a huge load into his pants before cowering some more. Then he remembered his precious pets. "Oh, right. I have an army of vicious alligators at my disposal." He snapped his fingers. "To me, my Pretties! Don't let the smell of my fear induced dump put you off. We live in a sewer."
The alligators rushed forward, toward their prey, hissing and snapping. That was until ETERNALCUTEPINKSEWERKINGFAN1 turned and gave them a psychotic death glare. They all shit themselves before they turned into various stuffed toys.
"NOW YOU'RE CUTE AND LOVEABLE!" she squealed and ran up to the pile of shit covered stuffed toys and cuddled them. "My sense of cute matches my perception to many things in life. Just as my sense of superiority conflicts with my own lack of talent in the face of those with genuine talent."
Behind her, the Sewer King's mouth hung open in sheer disbelief.
"What the fucking shiddity?" he gasped.
That was so not fair. And yet, he could do nothing. He was powerless over the story narration. What a sad fate. Same fate that befalls all the long haired abusive greasies this adult-child brat fawns over.
Hmm. Fitting punishment, actually. Carry on.
"I hate canon characters and anyone who writes them remotely in character," grunted the only Not Mary Sue writer in the fandom who respects the canon, hahaha, it's hard to say that with a straight face because it's so violently untrue, it's become its own self-parody at this point any time she says it. "I'm taking over and spamming the entire Batman section with fics of you sobbing in your underwear and dying tragically in stupid ways, for equally stupid reasons. Mostly because coming up with an actual plot sucks swollen donkey balls. I can't write anything else. I refuse to improve my work or expand my horizons outside my own narrow and hilariously disturbing fetishes. Yet I scream and bitch at everyone else around me who does when I see it makes them more popular than me. WRITING IS HARD! FUCK CANON, RIGHT IN ITS ASS UNTIL IT BLEEDS!" She stomped her foot.
She raised her arms and the Convenient Torture Dungeon flipped out of the walls. Several chains shot out from the torture rack, wrapping themselves around the Sewer King's arms and legs. A pair of mechanical hands flew out and ripped off his clothing except for his boxer shorts, tee hee. He blushed and was very embarrassed by shameful male nudity.
"HUMILIATION FETISH!" he yelled.
Balloons and confetti fell down from the ceiling, huzzah.
"I can spell all words," hissed ETERNALCUTEPINKSEWERKINGFAN1. "That automatically makes me better than everyone else in the fandom! Don't you fools understand? Fanfiction isn't about who can write well and weave an entertaining story or keep characters in character even in the slightest! It's all about PROPER SPELLING!"
Facts.
Sewer King titled his head to show confusion because that's the only way anyone in this person's writing can show confusion or any emotion period, always through cartoonishly exaggerated and piss-poor examples, and this is amazing writing, you fools, why don't you get it, so on, so forth. Where's the publishers knocking down her door. She's the next E L James. Or Chuck Tingle. Why oh why does such genius go unnoticed. Ffft.
"But you can't write!" screamed the Sewer King. "I'm surprised that you haven't improved in over...let's see here...like, seriously 9 years. Wow."
"I don't need to improve as long as I keep asserting that everyone else around me is the terrible writers and I am the actual best. Like all narcissism based predators, I am the master of Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, in case you haven't noticed!" ETERNALCUTEPINKSEWERKINGFAN1 screamed back at him. "Projecting all my low self-esteem based shortcomings onto everyone else around me and referring to everyone I hate in the fandom, AKA the popular writers, as the real rape loving pedophiles who ship children is the only maladjusted coping method I have. Besides sucking up to some unsuspecting idiot in the fandom, dumping a few empty compliments on them before complaining about Mary Sues, misogyny, homophobia, rape, child ships, and incest to lower their guard, and then revealing that I am actually into everything I complained to them about and watching them squirm with hilarious betrayal. Now I'm going to torture you in your boxers and demand that small children give me praise for this. Or they're fandom elitist fuckwit hypocrites who've never watched the show! Unlike meeeeee!" She honked with goose-like fury, arms raised like wings, flapping, flapping, oh the flapping.
""You mean you watched Batman: TAS and in your head you thought of it as Sewer King, the Animated Series?" said the Sewer King, tilting his head to one side to show confusion. "That's what you came away with from this award winning 85 episode series?"
"Exactly," said ETERNALCUTEPINKSEWERKINGFAN1, pulling out a scourge. That's a fancy name for whip or cat-o-nine-tails for the uninitiated vanilla prudes out there. "I only watched ONE SINGLE EPISODE before claiming to be the best fan ever! Because I want to rape the Sewer King's butt. He's the new daddy and I am the mommy. And that means lots of ANUS RAPE AND SCREAMING! And crying. God, I love dacryphilia. I get off on the suffering and tears of others! Lick, lick, lick, lick!" She lolled her tongue around her lips and made the most disgusting sound imaginable.
The Sewer King screamed as ETERNALCUTEPINKSEWERKINGFAN1 whipped his ass raw with the scourge, until his alligator print boxers were in shreds and hints of his red ass cheeks were peeking through. Then she heated up a fire poker and stuck it on his...you know where that one was going. I don't even have to write it. It's a classic. Then she shoved some bugs up his ass. Then she beat him bloody and cut him, draining him of blood. Which she put in a gold goblet and drank. Then she raped him with a 16 inch barbed horse dildo. Repeatedly. For hours. He screamed and cried a lot but then somehow was magically better in the next few hours instead of dead, like realism would have forced onto the plot, had it existed. Nasty, nasty realism. Always getting in the way of shallow sexual gratification featuring cartoon people. Because real life people are too much work to control if they have those ugly things called common sense or self-esteem. Yuck. None of that bullshit here.
Sewer King writhed and suffered while ETERNALCUTEPINKSEWERKINGFAN1 laughed and got off really hard on it.
He was always going to suffer. FOR ALL ETERNITY!
Or at least until she couldn't get enough attention in this fandom and decided to leave for that long haired Kylo Ren Star Wars guy. I hear he's pretty mistreated by the fandom and super unpopular. Also there's a canon Mary Sue ready and available to ship him with. Wink.
NEVER TRULY THE END