Author's note: Well here it is my first fanfiction. I decided to go with a comedy instead of adventure because I don't feel like writing a long story right now. One-shots are fine for me at the moment. Anyways being my first fic I would appreciate some reviews good or bad. Well here's the story, enjoy…or not, whichever you feel like.
Rated M for language and some violence.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Hidan's Bad Day
"Kakuzu!"
Why
"Kakuzu!!"
God Dammit
"Kakuzu you old bastard get up and listen to me for fuck's sake!"
'sigh'. "What is it Hidan?"
"Finally! I need your God-I mean Jashin damned help"
"You're asking for my help? That's a first."
"Fuck you. Anyways I need you to get my rosary fixed it got bent in the last fight and-"
"Couldn't you do this yourself?"
"No asshole I was getting to that, I also need to get my scythe polished and the stores close at the same time so I need you to get my rosary fixed while I take care of the scythe."
"Is it possible that you could have your scythe not polished for once?"
"No heathen it isn't, if my Jashin issued scythe and rosary are not in perfect form everyday I will be sent to Jashin hell."
"What's that like?"
"You're forced to watch those crappy Disney cartoons meant for two year olds for eternity."
"……..that's a bitch."
"No shit, so could you please just get my rosary fixed?"
"Alright I will but if you complain at all with me in earshot for the next 24 hours I'll rip out your tongue and sew you face down to the carpet……and you pay for the fixing."
"Jashin damnit always with these fucking stipulagations-
"stipulations"
-you cant for once just help me you old fucken thread freak I mean seriously-"
"HIDAN!"
"What asshole!"
"Are you complaining about something?"
...
"Well?"
"No...thread freak fuck." Hidan then ran out of the room.
Later
" I cant believe it takes two freakin hours for my scythe to get polished. I'm gonna need to do some major sacrificing when this is over."
Just then two people ran up to Hidan and got within an inch of his face,
"Hello sir by any chance would you be interested in joining the church of Rikudo? We're a growing religion and every member counts-
"Are you fucking kidding me? You want me to join your pansy ass religion? Are you serious? I mean you must be retards or something, I'm Jashinist to the core and if you don't get out of my face in the next 5 seconds I'm gonna rip your fucking spines out your backs."
The Rikudens were too stunned by Hidans rant to move and promptly had their spines ripped out 5 seconds later.
" Oh God damnit! I mean Jashin! Fuck! Damnit I got blood all over me, eww its in my clothes and Jashin damn this is gonna take forever to get out. Where's a damn dry cleaner."
Hidan walked to the nearest dry cleaner the victim of many odd glances and stares. When he arrived the owner of the dry cleaners happily greeted him.
"Hello sir welcome to-"
"I don't have time for your shit!" SNAP! Hidan broke Ms. Jones's neck.
After about an hour Hidan was able to figure out the dry cleaner and got is clothes in there, unfortunately now he had nothing to wear.
"Fuck! I cant go out in just my boxers that's a sin shit man there's got to be something in here to wear."
Hidan looked around but the only thing to wear was a frilly pink dress. Hidan thought in his head what was the greater sin, frilly pink dress or just boxers.
"Jashin damned dress, fucking uncomfortable. Cant believe I'm wearing this shit, I hope nobody notices I'm a guy."
"Well hello beautiful! My my you're looking awfully pretty, how would you like to spend an awesome night with the great Jiraiya of the Sannin!"
"You old pervert bastard I'm a dude! And your like 50 don't you see a problem with that, gross man!"
"Oh God why the hell are you wearing that then, Oh shit I cant believe I hit on you!"
"You think I like it you heathen motherfucker!"
"Hey I'm not a mother-wait...aren't you in the Akatsuki?"
"……………..Fuck."
5 minutes later
"Ow ow ow fuck ow. Goddamn….sigh……Jashin damn rasengans hurt like fuck. Well I still got half an hour left, might as well relax."
Hidan decided to go to the hot springs as he had had enough shit for one day. But the days not over yet.
"Damn dress, how the hell do I get this thing off!" Hidan was struggling to remove his frilly pink dress and after a rasengan to the ribs it was fairly difficult."Ow fuck." Hidan had fallen over and broken his arm but finally had gotten the dress off.
"kukuku."
"What who's there?!" Man it feels like I'm being watched.
"kukuku."
"Ah! Orochimaru….is that you." No response. " You bastard you better not be spying on me! Freaking pedophile."
"Ahhh finally, now I can enjoy the damn hot springs and rest until my scythe is done."
5 minutes later
"Jashin damnit! Fucken hot ass water. Ow shit its in my fucken eyes, damn ,cunt, bitch sonofa, thread freak, asshole prick water bitch…..
5 minutes later
"Why the Hell do I have to leave!"
"I'm sorry sir but you're disturbing the other guests."
"Well fuck them! They're just a bunch of heathen ass cothalic churchgoers."
"I believe its pronounced catholic."
"………………you son of a bitch. I'm totally burning this place down."
Later
"Thank Jashin, the scythe should be ready by now." Hidan walked to the polishing store to retrieve his scythe, the owner greeted him in that smiling upbeat fashion that made Hidan want to puke acid on a heathen.
"Yeah hey man I'm here for my scythe. I dropped it off here two hours ago it should be done by now."
"Oh yeah about that…..you see we were polishing it but it suddenly broke apart. We'll reimburse you and all so I hope its fine."
"……………………………"
"Are you okay?"
"……………………………"
Back at the Akatsuki hideout
Kakuzu, Deidara, Sasori, Itachi, and Kisame were all sitting at a table playing poker. Kakuzu had just won the hand with a straight flush.
"This is total bullshit un." Deidara said. "You're already richer than all of us and you haven't lost a hand."
"Maybe he rigged the game? Huh Kakuzu?" Kisame said.
"But I cant lose, losing is for Hyuugas." Itachi droned.
"I don't need to rig a game of poker to win. I'm Kakuzu." Kakuzu said
Pein and Konan were watching the news and a very interesting report had just come on.
"We bring you here today at the site of Jack's polishing which has bean burnt to the ground along with a hot spring earlier today. Witnesses say they saw a man with pink eyes cackling insanely and shouting obscenities at the same time leave the scene of the crime. Others also say they saw the same man wearing a frilly pink dress earlier in the day."
"Well I wonder who could've done that." Konan said, not really wondering at all.
All of a sudden the door burst open, literally, the door exploded. And in walked an obviously pissed off pink eyed man wielding a broken scythe.
"All of you bastards can go to hell. I had the most horrible day of my life. First I have to wait two hours for my scythe (he waved the broken scythe in the air for emphasis) to get polished and then these two heathen freaks try to get me to convert to Rikuden ,or whatever the fuck its called-
"That's interesting seeing as I'm-" Pein began.
Then I have to go to the dry cleaners to get their blood out of my clothes and am forced to wear a frilly pink dress for the rest of the day, where I am then hit on by a 50 year old freak. To relax I go to the hot springs where I'm fairly certain I was spied on by Orochimaru seeing as I kept on hearing kukuku. You wouldn't believe how many people turn their heads when you yell out FUCK OFF OROCHIMARU to no one apparently. Then I slip in the water getting it all in my eyes and mouth and hitting my head on some rocks. And finally to top off all the bullshit I return to the polishing shop to find my scythe has been broken. For JASHIN'S SAKE COULD THIS DAY BE ANY WORSE!?"
"Kakuzu never got your rosary fixed either un." Deidara said
"DAMNIT KAKUZU WHY!! AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL JUST STARING AT ME?!"
"Hidan….are you complaining about something?" Kakuzu asks.
"God damnit. I mean Jashin! Fuck!"
Well there you go my first fanfiction. I hope you liked it and I would appreciate some reviews.