Thank you.
Was what he said.
I'm happy, so so happy. I've done it, I finally told him. All those years I worked for him and it finally came to this. Then he smiled, a real smile. And he said he would try.
I'm so happy but it feels wrong. I shouldn't be happy because he's lonely. Why didn't I realize it sooner? That he was hurting this whole time. I'm so blind.
How could he hold it in like that? He's so strong; willing to crush his own feelings just so they won't trouble someone else.
What does he mean he thought no one was waiting for him? He has so many people that care for him.
Hikari, Chisaki, probably even Tsumugu and …me.
How can he be so strong?
Then again, that's probably what I like about him. He's so giving, so kind yet so sad. Maybe that's what drew me to him. His mask that never slipped and his eyes that hold years of pain made me like him. Love him.
Before, when I was in grade school in another town all the kids in my class use to pick on me. They called me loser, loner and crybaby. I was pathetic. I didn't have any friends because everyone was scared that they would become like me if they talked to me.
I didn't know why people didn't like me. And I didn't know what to do about it. I just kept living with the insults as they flew at me. I cried because I was lonely and because I was too weak.
Eventually my parents found out about the bullying and we moved to a different town, Oshiooshi.
It was hardly any different. I just wasn't the only one.
When the mean kids got bored of me they moved to another victim and I managed to find a group of people that wouldn't deny me the right to know them. But then it was Miuna they ignored and bullied.
But she never cried. I wondered how she did it; how she didn't show the pain.
Her answer was simple. She didn't care.
She didn't feel any pain because she never let it get deep enough that it would burn and hurt her. She just ignored it and walked away.
She was so strong. She's still strong even when she can see that Hikari's feelings will never falter for Manaka.
I'm actually jealous that she can do that. But I know now that everyone has a breaking point.
Even Kaname.
I'm so confused. What will happen now? Should I just act normal or more mature? And what about Kaname's feelings for Chisaki?
They won't just vanish right?
It will take time and it's going to hurt more, isn't it?
Is that why he said that?
That it's better not to love?
He's wrong.
All that time I spent waiting for him; doing my best for him. I know he's wrong because he's helped me so much by giving me those feelings. And I won't let him hide them anymore. He needs to stop hurting himself because it's hurting me too.
His face just now was …so sad. He was lonely yet he wouldn't try to ease the pain. He let it hurt him again and again like the tide when it forces the beach to obey; taking it grain by grain until nothing is left.
Will I be able to help him? Am I too late to help? What do I- no I can't do this again. I can't be weak. I have to help him and I have to make sure that my feelings reach him. I have to be strong, for him.
I know that Chisaki will always have a part of his heart but I need to try. I want to help him and I want him to love me.
It's selfish of me, isn't it? I'm doing this so that he will acknowledge my feelings but this gives him away to be free won't it? From his loneliness and it will help time move again.
Those five years that passed didn't. We were all standing still because everything else was. We didn't want to forget our friends that were not with us. But we also wanted time to start again so that we could move on.
Everyone tried not to change. Chisaki, Akari and even Miuna.
Miuna told me her new hair style was so that her hair wouldn't get in the way. But I could see she wanted her hair to stay in the same style it was when we were younger and she refused to cut it because she didn't want to acknowledge that time had passed. She wanted everything to stay the same.
She's a lot like Chisaki too.
She likes someone that she can't. Like Chisaki and Tsumugu.
I can see it even if they can't; everything and everyone must change. If we didn't how do we move forward? How do we improve? And how do we remember and reminisce the past when there's no past to begin with?
They're big thoughts but they're true. I'm not just a school girl wondering about her crush. I'm a human being who wants to know more about what she can do to help her kind.
It's strange. We're all just a small part of everything but we each have to play our part so everything works. And even if it doesn't work there will always be another chance even if no one realises it. Everyone one is just following their role and I'm just using one of my chances to see if I can help.
That's all I ever wanted so I'm glad that I could help Kaname even just a little.
I've changed right? From those days of being lonely and weak.
I have friends I care about and I can stand up for myself and whatever things I believe in.
I've changed, is that so bad?
Thank you for reading! I'm currently rewatching (recrying over) the series and I see all these details of the plot that I missed when I watched it the first time and well, I wanted to write something about Sayu. I'm not sure why but her character just seems so ...I don't have a good word. Strong? Confident? Shy? Different?(mixture of all those) The love heptagon has taken a toll on her too but her reaction in my opinion seems different from the others... I don't know. Anyway sorry if there are any mistakes and sorry if it doesn't sound like Sayu (these are kinda thoughts I've had swimming around in my head for a while).
Thanks again for reading
- Wing :)
p.s in case you didn't know Henka= Change