(A/Ns: THIS IS DEPRESSING ASF! Just saying. When I wrote this, I was having a sort of bad anxiety... thing. Anyway, this was my way of venting. And no, do not worry about me, I am fine now. Anyway, I know Leo is OOC, but I swear he suffers from some form of anxiety. This fanfic shows people what it is like to live with anxiety and not know how to cope with it. Anyway, this is a one-shot so don't ask for updates. And yes, I did steal the song title from All Time Low, and it fuelled my writing a bit.
Trigger warnings: graphic depictions of self harm, yaoi
Please review and favourite, I love to hear what you think.
Disclaimer: I do not own Pandora Hearts or any of the characters)
Old Scars / Future Hearts
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
Leo watched as the blood dripped off the edge of the tiny sharp piece of metal, clutched in his right arm between his thumb and forefinger. He was sitting in a locked alcove underneath the stairs of the Nightray manor, knowing full well that Elliot would be searching frantically for him by now.
One of the maids had shouted at him. He could remember being called a failure, but that was the most he could pull out of his blurred memories, considering he shut her out with his own voices before running off in tears. He wanted to go crying to Elliot, but he knew the younger Nightray would only tell him to grow up.
Fortunately, he found a place to escape to. Every time something like this happened he ran away, and shut himself off from the world.
And cut.
He kept the razor on him, cleverly stored away inside the fabric of his white blazer. Even when he and Elliot were not staying at Lutwidge, he still insisted on dressing formally for his master.
Leo wiped his tears away with his sleeve, cursing at himself to stop crying. If he was found by anyone, he'd be in a lot of trouble at the very least.
The thought of that only fuelled his fear again, causing him to involuntarily slash two more cuts into his left wrist, watching intently and the blood formed beads on the surface of his pale skin, and rolled down onto the floor. The wooden floor was stained with deep, crimson drops of his blood. Leo stared at them and contemplated. He fought back tears as the pain on his forearms dulled out his anxiety. It wasn't a full blown anxiety attack, but unless he distracted himself somehow, it sure as hell would turn into one.
Unfortunately, his method of distraction was somewhat of an unhealthy one.
…..
Meanwhile, Elliot had come out of the library about 10 minutes, and was sure enough, desperately circling the manor in search of his valet.
Every time something got too intense for him, Leo would run off in a fleet of anxiety. Sometimes Elliot questioned whether he could even control it. He knew his valet had some form of anxiety, but he never knew why or how he coped. He couldn't be anxious all the time, surely.
Nevertheless, Elliot continued looking for him, not wanting to admit to himself that he missed his friend.
He began a mental checklist, running through the places where he could within his mind. Eventually, he theorised enough locations to make it worth searching.
As he was running up the stairs, he noticed a tiny locked door leading to the alcove underneath the staircase. Without a second of thought or consideration, Elliot grabbed the lock and yanked the door open.
What he saw was certainly not what he wanted to see.
Leo was sitting propped up against the headboard of the small space, tears welling up in his exposed eyes as he stared nervously up at Elliot. His eyes traced down to his wrists.
Elliot's eyes widened at the sight.
The pale boy's sleeves were both rolled up to his elbows. Both wrists were heavily mutilated, fresh cuts and old scars scattered across his skin, stretching across his skinny wrists as they continued to bleed. Leo's trousers were stained with red, and his glasses had been placed onto the floor next to him. He continued to gaze up at his master, his violet eyes showing mixed expressions, mainly embarrassment, guilt and fear. To say the least, Elliot was speechless.
"L-Leo…" Elliot stuttered, climbing onto the floor next to him and shutting the staircase door behind him, "W-what did you… Why?"
"Huh," Leo replied quietly, his voice shaking as he tried to speak clearly. He was determined not to cry, although his flaming anxiety made that extremely difficult. A single tear managed to escape his eye, and rolled down his face, "I- I don't…"
"Leo," Elliot said calmly. However, Leo could tell he was on the edge of shouting, "Tell me what happened."
"T-the maid… she yelled at me, and called me a f-failure…" he whispered, bringing his knees up to his chest and laying his arm across them, placing his head on top and shielding himself from Elliot, "I ran… and I guess it got too much…"
"You're lying to me," pointed out Elliot, gesturing to Leo's wrists, "Those scars aren't all new." He paused for a second, "Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"…"
"Leo. You're my valet. How many times do I have to tell you not to lie to me?!"
"… I didn't say anything."
Elliot scoffed, "Stop using logic to avoid the question," His threatening glare strengthened, "Why are you doing this?"
"Because… I deserve it."
"Huh?"
Leo sighed, realising that he had no other choice but to face up to the truth and admit that he had a problem, "Everyone has always been disappointed in me. I'm always making mistakes. I can't handle everything. I have to distract myself," he hesitated before continuing, scratching at his wrists. He was stopped immediately, however, by Elliot yanking his hand away and gesturing for him to carry on explaining. "… If things get too intense, I cut. I suppose that's it really… I-I can't handle everything on my own."
Elliot was slightly confused, and paranoid that Leo may possibly have other things going on in his life outside of the Nightray affiliation which he was unaware of. But, in his current state, it wouldn't be a good idea to exploit him for information and take advantage of his vulnerability.
Instead of interrogating him about his secrets, Elliot simply said, "But you're not alone."
"I- I know that… it's just-"
Elliot placed a finger over Leo's lips, shushing him, "I said, you are not alone."
"Why?" Leo asked, his voice muffled by Elliot's finger.
"Because, you have me."
Before Leo could question him, Elliot planted his lips on Leo's, pushing him against the wall as he deepened the kiss. Elliot observed as Leo tensed, his eyes widening in panic. He squirmed in Elliot's grip, but eventually relaxed, realising that Elliot did have a calming effect on him.
With his lips still connected with his valet, the blonde took Leo's wrists and pinned them to the wall behind his head. Leo flinched in pain, wincing at the touch on his cuts. But Elliot had him restrained, so he went along with it.
Once Elliot had Leo against the wall, he licked the other's bottom lip, requesting entry to his mouth. Leo smirked against his mouth, teasing him and denying entry. Elliot scowled, pushing harder against his valet until he gave in, allowing Elliot to explore his mouth with his tongue.
Leo ran his hand up to Elliot's hair, scrunching it up and bringing him closer. Elliot traipsed his fingers across Leo's neck, as they moved their tongues in sync and continued making out.
After a few minutes, they separated, parting for breath.
"Wow…" Leo panted, wiping away the excess saliva which resided on his lower lip, "… Thank you."
"Ah… yeh…" Elliot was blushing madly, still trying to catch his breath, "That's good…. As long as… you're happy…" he paused, smiling down at his valet, "Then I'm happy too."
Leo grinned in return, but a few seconds later, his smile faded, "Elliot… I got blood on your shirt…"
Elliot smirked, "That's okay. Because you'll be the one washing it."