Seven Day Skritch
an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: One of my favorite things about A!RM was the recurring background cast. Simon the Monster Hunter is probly the best known example, as well as Bradley, Ickis' human confidante. Other guest stars included Ickis' famous father Slickis who showed up once a season to make things more awesome, and among the human cast we had Dougie and Bob (a pair of hapless sanitation workers), rock star Suede, a very persistent female news reporter, a bald-headed homeless bum who may be smarter than he appeared, and an unlucky actor who once donned a 'Murray the Monster' costume. The main villain of this piece, Skritch, had but a single appearance because he was introduced so late in the series' run. Had the show continued it seemed to be setting up for his return.
Skritch smiled. He'd always known it was just a matter of time before he escaped from the Department Of Corrections' facility. He was too smart to be contained in any prison, especially after all the studying he'd put in it. He'd memorized all the staff changes, and knew the guards were at their most distracted during lunch hours. When the orderly wheeled in his food, he'd managed to knock out the simpleton with the improvised teaching bone he'd created out of several spoons, linking together by dental floss, chewing gum, and pond scum for added stickiness. He slipped into the idiot's uniform, dragged the unconscious monster to his bed and hid him there to throw the guards off track, then saunteered out of the prison, cheerful as can be. He was going back to the dump, where he would find the Gromble and force him to step down. He'd already formulated several plans, all he had to do once he got there was set a few traps, and wait to see what fell into them.
First, he appropriated an aerosol can, and filled it with a noxious vapor. Skritch used the smoke to stun an entire hornet's nest which he then surreptiously placed into a garbage can. "Here you are, Gromby. A little payback for all those stinging remarks." Skritch chortled. He hid inside an abandoned vehicle and watched his plan unfold.
Ickis came ambling along, toting his sewerball pipe, and casually tossing a tomato up-and-down. "The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Academy that day, the score stood 4 to 2, with but 1 inning more to play! And then when Urbab failed at first, and Krummy did the same, a pall-like silence fell upon the patrons of the game. A straggling few got up to go in deep despair, the rest? Clung to that hope which springs eternal in a monster's chest! They thought, 'If only Ickis could but get a whack at that- we'd put up more toenails, with Ickis at the bat!'" He laughed, and threw the tomato again. This time he swung the bat and it connected! He watched the tomato splatter as it collided with a nearby garbage can. He could hear the roar of the crowd, which sounded a lot like buzzing insects... coming straight toward him!
"Yowie, yowie, yowie, yeeeowch!" Ickis screamed as the swarm engulfed him.
No worries, tomorrow was always another day, and Skritch had another plan. He poured hot, steaming tar over a shallow ditch he'd dug in the dump. "Let's see you get yourself out of that one, Gromble! I want to see you crawl!" Skritch insisted.
Ickis rubbed the tips of his ears, some of those bee-stings still throbbed. Why did everyone always pick on the ears, anyway? Couldn't they find some other target? He was still contemplating this, when he realized he couldn't take another step. He looked down, and saw that his feet were encased in tar. He struggled to pry himself loose, then glanced around. There was a discarded nail-file that he could just barely reach. He began the long, ardous process of scraping the tar off himself, grumbling all the while.
It was a good thing Skritch had assembled so many villainous schemes. The Gromble was a crafty opponent, but he was far more cunning! He filled a water-balloon with the strongest, most floral smelling perfume he could find and placed it atop a spring-loaded wooden board. "You can't dodge fate forever, Grumbella! I shall cast my judgment, from above!" yelled Skritch as he triggered the release.
At the bottom of the hill, Ickis was bemoaning his bad luck to his best friends, Krumm and Oblina. "Didja ever feel there was some mysterious force acting against you?" he wondered.
"No, I came to school without paranoia. Maybe next semester I shall follow your lead, and bring along a bunch of emotional baggage with me." Oblina quipped.
"Go ahead and laugh! You didn't spend 3 hours getting tar off your heels! What could be worse than that?" Ickis questioned. The balloon smacked him instantly.
"Showering off rose-petal perfume?" suggested Krumm. "Because I think that's what you're doing today, before we can hang out again." He and Oblina made gagging noises, while Ickis moaned piteously.
This next plan was even more fiendish. He scribbled a note on a piece of paper, then slathered on a layer of pine-sap. "Now the whole world will know what to think of you, Gromble! You'll be a laughingstock!" Skritch declared as he attached the paper to a metal pole. He placed a taut rope along the ground near his message. The first monster to trip over that wire, was going to come crashing straight into the pole, and end up wearing that hateful message, he was sure of it! Skritch slunk back to his regular hiding-spot, confident that his target would suffer.
Ickis tiptoed along carefully. Oblina still didn't think he was in danger, or she would have gone foraging with him, instead of studying at the library. Ickis was -almost- tempted to join her, but a little loomer really needed to keep his strength up, and maintain fat reserves for the next loom. Besides, those other accidents had happened during the day! Evening was bound to be safer.
In the dark, Ickis didn't notice the rope until it was too late. He tripped, and fell face-first into the metal post. The first thing he did upon regaining consciousness was rub his sore head. The second thing he did was notice the letter super-glued to his arm. 'Tell Me I'm Cute' it announced.
Skritch was getting a little irritated. How long was the Gromble going to send his students ahead? He was a very patient monster, he'd waited 10- no 11 years for the chance to show the Gromble up at teacher's college, even though the Gromble had graduated long before Skritch had earned his first degree. Actually, he still hadn't earned any degrees, but that was beside the point. He'd see how many degrees the Gromble could handle when he set off a stream of fireworks! "Burn, baby, burn!" he gloated.
Ickis kept glancing all around him as he walked through the dump. He was rapidly growing to hate these little strolls. But as far as he could tell, there were no insects, no tar, no perfume containers, no metal poles, no nothing. All he could see were some shiny pieces of wire, glowing faintly. He'd always liked shiny things. He squatted down for a closer examination when the first sparkler ignited completely and blew up in his face.
Skritch was laughing maniacally. "They say revenge is a dish best served cold, Gromby. Why don't you taste it and see? Ha ha!" he cackled.
Ickis sighed. Oblina had warned him to be careful, after the spate of disasters he'd encountered during the week. But Ickis wasn't too worried, there was no way the dump could continue being hazardous to one's health. Look, over there was a nice plate of festering garbage, rotten vegetables, a chewy old tire, a little bowl of sludge to wash it all down it, and there was also an engraved invitation proclaiming that he should "Eat this food. Then pull the lever." So of course, Ickis did just what was instructed. He chowed down on the delightful snack, pulled the lever, and was immediately drenched in ice-cold water.
"Why do we even -have- that lever?" Ickis roared.
Ickis sniffled. Oblina had told him to stay in bed, but he had important sleuthing to do in the dump. Besides, he could always sleep during the Gromble's lecture tomorrow, he did it often enough anyway. His ears' pricked up as he heard the deep-throated cackle of another, older monster and he cautiously approached the sound.
"Yes, this is THE plan, the one that will make me teacher!" Skritch laughed as he covered a series of blades under a thin layer of garbage. "Once I cut through all 4 of the Gromble's legs, they will have NO choice but to appoint me as the newest Headmaster!"
Ickis could barely even begin to process this information. "Whad is wrog wit' you? I -hade- schoo' bud I draw a lide at eber hurding da Gro'ble." Ickis declared.
Skritch stared at him. "Ooh, a trespasser. I'm so worried, I'm shaking. Guess that means I'll have to tie you up, so you can't tell anyone. Shouldn't be too much trouble, you don't have Obony to hide behind today." he remarked.
Blood dripped into Ickis' eyes. "Her dame is Oblida, an' don'd EBER thredden her!" he snarled. He formed his claws into a gigantic cage and enfolded them around Skritch.
"Y-you're a loomer? I had no idea you could do that." admitted Skritch.
Ickis sneezed. "The Gro'ble wadn't kidding. You don'd do your resudge. I'b the sod ub the Gread Slickis, best loober in da world." he insisted.
"Slickis' boy? Didn't know he had a family, the biography never mentions any. What do they call you then, Sickis?" Skritch joked.
Ickis wound his claws together even tighter. "Don'd you thig abou' gibbing anudder nicknabe or I will forgeh abou' calling da cobs, an' destroy you byself." hissed Ickis. "An' dobody would bind in da slig'dest, least ub all Oblida."
~~~The End.
EPILOGUE (minor warning for language)
The Gromble was feeling quite pleased with himself. It had been an exceptionally productive week, as Master Ickis had seemed too unnerved and pre-occupied to cause any disruptions in class. The evenings had also proved enjoyable, since the Gromble was able to finish grading all his papers, plan for next week's lessons, and get a jump-start on polishing his shoes. He had just settled into this most relaxing task when there came a booming knock at the door. With a sigh, the Gromble got up to answer it.
"This had better be important!" he snarled. He glanced down to see a very tired-looking Ickis dragging something along the ground. "Master Ickis! Must you bring your germs into my presence? I have work to do and- good garbage! Is that Skritch?! How long has -he- been here?"
"You don' wadda know. Bud I'd keeb hib away frub sharb objeds." recommended Ickis.
Skritch moaned lightly. "I'm calling in the authorities. They're the ones who should deal with a depraved monster like Skritch." the Gromble decided. "Oh, and Master Ickis?"
Ickis looked up at him expectantly. "Yes, your Gro'bledess?" he asked.
"I can't understand a word that you're saying." the Gromble admitted. "Off you go, then. You're not needed here any further."
Ickis scowled. For a second, he longed to tell off his teacher, then he realized that he could. "Fug you suh." Ickis announced, as he headed toward his dorm.
Author's Note: Skritch's only appearance was in Season 4's "The Substitute" where he seemed like a fun-loving affable monster... until he revealed he was completely insane and blamed the Gromble for actually being good at his job, when Skritch was too lazy to ever become a teacher. A running gag was his butchery of Oblina's name, calling her "Obony". He probly would have made a good recurring antagonist, so long as he didn't annoy any loomers. That's just asking for trouble.