The ashes of who I used to be

Author's Notes: Because I've been hearing Halsey, and not the angry songs that make me think of AkeShu. Damn. Well, looks like they're good to name CLAMP songs, if nothing else! (aka, I've named this after Angel On Fire, by Halsey)

So, uh, canonical-following story, so. Very angsty, I suppose. Yeah.

DISCLAIMER: Hey. Let's make a copy-and-paste thing here. Okay, so, CLAMP and its works are not mine. They belong to, uh, CLAMP. WISH, Holic, Tokyo Babylon, X, Tsubasa, RG Veda, Kobato, Cardcaptor Sakura, Drug & Drop, Chobits, and every other story I have not mentioned here but that I might use are not mine, but CLAMP's. Also, the characters are also CLAMP's property. What I do own is this series of drabbles I've been writing from different CLAMP works, that are not really related. I have no monetary interest with any of this, of course, but, now, if you'd like to leave me comments, I'd be incredibly happy… (Sorry, sorry. Thought it was a good opening)

. . .

You were never one to do what I expected.

For so long, you fooled me with fancy words, with special smiles, with sweet lies that were only mine. For so long, I believed you loved me, shy and trying to pay back to each of your gestures, curious and completer by the time, until the time I eventually… loved you. Until I finally wanted you.

And then, you surprised me, again. After a whole year being the sweetest, dearest, most caring friend, the most… perfect lover I could ever want, you smiled. And it wasn't a sweet, warm… mine, smile. This smile was cold, this smile was sharp, this smile hurt. For a year you were the one who made me love you, and when I finally found myself, you told me that all this, all that I loved, all that I wanted, all that I knew — was nothing but a lie. You told me to be nothing but a piece of glass, a corpse, something that couldn't even bother you enough to be killed by your hands. You told me I was but a game, a bet, a play, and that I had failed: failed in entertain you, failed in… being.

… And even with all that, I still loved you. Even broken, almost dead, and bleeding inside, I still wanted you. My heart ached, and I almost killed myself when I watched my sister's death, but I couldn't give up on you. Even trying, I couldn't forget you. I couldn't even seek revenge, for the simple idea of killing you…

Instead, I started wishing you'd kill me. Just that. Simple, but all that I could think about for so many years. I just wanted to be someone worthy in your eyes; worthy enough to be killed by your hands, if nothing else.

And then, in the midst of a battle for the destiny of the world, while I watched you and longed for your hand through my chest, even when there were people caring about me (even when I had a friend by my side), I kept thinking I wasn't enough. I kept thinking I was nothing but glass before your eyes, and that you were only facing me for obligation.

(Or maybe a bit of pride. If I were that lucky.)

But then, there were only the two of us over that bridge, and I knew I was in my last moments of life, and I was happy. For the first time in nine years, for the first time since you first broke me, I was happy.

… until you whispered to me that I never expected to hear, hand going through the wrong heart, leaving me alone one last time, heart broke into pieces and tears too dry for me to cry.

When I thought I had lost everything already, I found out I still had a soul to lose.

You never were one to do what I expected you to, after all, were you, Seishirou-san?