Summary: the result of a Trekkie arguing with a Star Wars fan. Because Star Trek rules. And Luke is a sissy. And laser swords only really would work if you were carrying a small nuclear facility in your trousers (this is not a double-entendre, btw. Get your mind out of the gutter :p).

Warning: mentioning of Spirk. Though honestly, I shouldn't warn for that. You should all embrace it. Plus, CRACK ahead!

Of Robots, Pj's and Dwarfs

By mildetryth

Right, the list.

1) God-like powerful being that wanted to mess with their minds. Certainly strange enough for it, but those usually liked to show up themselves to brag. Jim hopefully looked around, ignoring the strangers on the middle of the bridge and the strange whizzing noise, but there were no floating, insanely giggling creatures to be found. Just as well, he supposed, because those were far too fond of dressing him up in the most ridiculous suits.

2) Hallucinations because of a weird space-alien disease that would potentially kill them all. That seemed a bit less likely, as everyone on the bridge seemed affected and there had been no previous cases of a random redshirt seeing a black robot, a young man in pj's and a little green dwarf, all in possession of what looked like laser swords. Redshirts were admittedly sometimes a bit slow, but even they would have reported that. Well, Jim hoped they would have.

Plus, since the last mass infection that had nearly killed them all, Bones had gotten paranoid and injected every crew member with every vaccine that could be found in the Alpha-Quadrant, and probably a few outside of it as well. It had become a common sight these days to see the doctor slink through the corridors of the ship, now and then jumping out to inject an unsuspecting innocent. (Jim was relatively certain he was being targeted more than the average crew member, but Bones stubbornly insisted he was doing it for Jim's own good, "what with all those sexual diseases that are dormant inside you". He had tried to argue that there were no dormant diseases at all in his (sexy) body, and if Bones would refrain from mentioning those while a certain First Officer was in freaky Vulcan hearing range, but all he'd gotten was another hypo for his trouble. One that hurt.)

So, mass infections could be scratched off the list.

3) It is all simply a dream. Well, all he had to do was to pinch himself to –

"Ouch!" Chekov yelped behind him. Ah, the beauty of an efficient crew. Another option removed.

So the only one that was left apart from it's another one of those days (5), was mass hallucination (4). Perhaps Scotty had been meddling with the replicators again, looking for a "proper sandwich".

"What is this place?" The robot seemed to have recovered from his surprise. Well, Jim had assumed him to be a robot, what with the black mask/helmet. His voice sounded more like a terminally ill with a long disease. "You will tell me where I am or I shall destroy you all!" He raised the sword-like thing (laser? It looked like a laser) again. It was clearly meant as a weapon.

Jim narrowed his eyes. Hallucination or not, nobody threatened his crew. "Everybody, phasers to stun," he ordered curtly. The little green dwarf was shuffling out of the way, seemingly unperturbed. The boy blinked a bit owlishly and then also stepped away from the figure in black. "Drop your weapon or we will fire," Jim ordered in clipped tones.

In answer, the figure raised the sword, only to drop it immediately again as four different beams hit him squarely in the chest and he tumbled backwards. The boy sucked in a breath and started to shout. "You killed him! You killed him and he was mine to kill! He killed my father and now you –" Jim, feeling a headache coming on, wanted to order the boy to drop his weapon as well, but before he could even open his mouth Spock had stepped forward and done that Vulcan-Grip thing. The boy collapsed slowly to the floor, his First Officer looking on impassively. "Thank you for that, Mr. Spock," Jim sighed. Not exactly according to regulation, but then again he wasn't too big a fan of that anyhow.

Spock seemed to be on the verge of answering, but the little green dwarf had stepped forward and pushed a toe against the dark figure. "Effective, that is," he said, sounding older than Earth's regular ninety-odd grandpa. Then again, the last time he had met somebody from over ninety, the man had been shouting at him to get away from his granddaughter whilst trying to shoot him with a very illegal firearm. So maybe he wasn't the best judge of what human grandpas sounded like.

"You will drop your weapon as well," he heard his First Officer order in clipped tones as he resurfaced from his musings. The little green creature pressed a button on the laser/sword/whatever and the strange light sabre disappeared. There was a sharp intake of breath and Jim would've sworn he could hear the cogs in Chekov's mind whirring as the little dwarf slowly lowered it to the floor.

Great. Sometimes there was such a disadvantage to working on a ship filled with geniuses. He exchanged a look with Spock. They'd have to keep an eye on those lightning things.

"Lower your phasers." Jim ordered. "Ensigns Marks, Daiders, DeChettainé and Morrison, you will bring the unconscious prisoners to the holding cells." There were some hasty salutes and "yes sirs". "Please put them in separate cells," he added for certainty. After all, the teenager had been talking about killing the robot.

Jim now turned to the little green one, who had obligingly shuffled out of the way again as his companions were picked up. "Explain your presence on the ship... sir," Jim tackled at the end for good measure. After all, he was the only weirdo who had fully cooperated.

The little dwarf spread his hands in a universal gesture of helplessness. "No explanation have I," he said. "Here I was not and here now I am."

Jim glanced around for a moment, wondering if he were the only one stumped by the dwarf's strange grammar (or lack of, more likely). Uhura had pulled up her nose, but then again she mostly did that when he was around. Though generally she tried to stop on the bridge.

Unless he was flirting with Spock.

But flirting with Spock was fun, dammit.

Another thing, a bit more worrying, was the look Bones was giving the dwarf. Or rather, the way his look dwelt from Spock to the dwarf and back again. He really, really hoped that whatever comment about pointy ears and green tints was forming inside the doctor's mind would be kept just there, and not be thrown out for the entire bridge to hear. Besides, from the look of distaste Spock was giving those huge ears with white hair sprouting out, probably meant there were no family ties involved at all. Which again probably meant that this wasn't yet another Spock-from-the-future who would convince him that getting choked was a great idea.

Jim was already in the state that he found this good news.

He turned all his attention back to the dwarf, who was looking at him in a friendly, mildly curious way. "Do you have a name, sir?" he asked, trying to sound polite. Though it had to be sad, Jim Kirk and politeness never had had much to do with each other. Generally they tried to avoid being in the same room.

The creature inclined his head. "Yoda I am," he said and yes, the non-existent grammar had not been Jim's imagination. On the other hand, that was yet another sign that Spock and Vulcan had nothing whatsoever to do with this. The Commander could be infected with spores and still churn out grammatically correct sentences.

Jim nodded back. "You are aboard the USS Enterprise and I am captain Kirk." He informed 'Yoda'. "Please be so kind as to follow ensigns Witford and N'Tude to the briefing room. We will follow you in a minute." Yoda nodded and followed the two redshirts without complaint.

Jim slowly exhaled when the doors had closed behind him. He looked at Spock, but the Vulcan was already bent over his station. "At first sight Captain, all systems appear normal," he announced. "I will however perform a deeper –"

"Look at it, the technology must be wery –"

Jim immediately whirled around. "Chekov, don't..." He sighed. Sulu was already holding the lit red weapon already, a completely smitten look on his face. He had forgotten about his fencing obsession. The only thing that could make this day worse was –

"Now what is going on here? I've been trying to make contact with – oh, what is this wee thing then?"

Jim groaned.

Author's note: Yes, I know. Please tell me how insane I am in your lovely review :) It will be cherished, cooed at and accidentally drooled over.