You had been warned, but chose to proceed anyways. I commend your bravery.
DISCLAIMER: Oh, Force, NOTHING belongs to me. NOTHING!!
(And deepest apologies to people that like Jag Fel, including myself. He just annoys me sometimes, I just couldn't think of anyone else who would fit quite so well… )
Kyp Durron is lounging at a table in an Alliance lunchroom with a crowd of women fawning over him. Jag Fel waltzes in, a broad grin on his face, and all the women suddenly abandon Kyp in favor of the handsome Imperial pilot.
JAG: Hello, my doting fans! How lovely to see you!
WOMEN: We love you Jag!
JAG: (Pretends to be bashful.) Aw, shucks! I appreciate your warm welcome, ladies-- but what's this? (walks over to KYP) Is someone sad? A frowning face is completely unacceptable at such a wonderful occasion!
KYP: (Sneering) Not for me. I hate you.
JAG: (Puts a hand to his mouth in horror.) Hate me! Why, everyone LOVES me!
KYP: And why should we like YOU?
JAG: Well... (A few notes from an invisible piano) That's an INTERESTING question… (A few more notes, a bit louder this time) … that requires an equally INTERESTING answer! (turns to the women) Ladies, would you like to help me explain?
WOMEN: Sure thing, Jag! (A few more notes, and, suddenly, all the women are glamorously made up and dressed in Broadway-style go-go girl costumes. They arrange themselves in a line.)
[All singing]
WOMEN: (doing a box-step)
Hotshot pilot, but what a darling boy!
Jaina, I wish he were MY boy-toy!
And I've gotta admit, he's the only one for me!
JAG: (Grinning, spins around to face the same direction as the line of dancers and stands a few feet before the middle of the line.)
Not only do I vape the Vong,
I'm not half bad with dance 'n' song!
You've just gotta want to be me!
(Jumps onto a table, starts dancing in complete synchrony with the women)
The ladies think that I'm quite keen,
Heck, they have since I was thirteen!
And you've just gotta want to be me!
(Leaps down from the table)
WOMEN: (Leaning on mystical shiny black canes they've suddenly acquired, with equally mysterious silky top hats on their heads)
The galaxy is dark and dangerous these days,
But Jagged, here, always makes things right!
He vapes those Vong in his sexy way-
DRAG QUEEN: (Steps out from somewhere in the line)
And his holo keeps me warm in bed at night! (Voice cracks on the high note "night", which is way, WAY too high for his falsetto range.)
JAG: (spins down the aisles Broadway style with his fans following close behind-- when they reach the open space, the music gets even more obvious and the tempo slower-- the ladies line up to can-can while Jag stands in front, singing, as his fans do backup oohs and aahs)
I'm handsome, charming, and modest, too,
And now admit it, you know it's true,
Kyp-- doesn't it just suck to be you?
Now, watch my friend, just watch and see--
(Slides across the floor on his knees towards Jaina Solo, who just happened to be walking in the door. Orchestra stops the music. Holds out a huge diamond ring in his right hand, the other placed over his heart for effect, as the women in the background sigh.)
Jaina, hon, will you marry me?
JAINA: (Looks shocked for a moment, then smiles, taking her hand out of her pocket-- to slap Jag across the face.) NEVER! (Runs out the door)
JAG and WOMEN look stunned.
KYP: (smirking) Ha. Ha.
(Cymbals clash, curtain falls)
Finis! Yes, my mind is very, very twisted. Sorry, Jag fans...