Sports Centre: Animation Edition: The Fourth Instalment!
Disclaimer: I do not own the following animes, cartoons, and others that are about to be mentioned as well as Sports Centre.
S.C. Announcer: This is Sports Centre.
Sonny: Tonight, on the S.C.!...A lot of sports events happening around the world, from when Garfield wins the lasagna-eating championship…(video of the event is shown)…to when Ichigo Kurosaki wins the Shinigami Battle Royale Championships, beating Light Yagami in a fierce fight…(video of that event is also shown)
Kevin: Also, let's not to mention that we have the "Highlight of the Night"!
Sonny: So "pick up your balls and load up your cannons", and get ready to rock 'n roll (and salute) to the greatest episode of Sports Centre—right now!
(S.C. Theme plays as more highlighted sports events are shown in quick succession as the theme song ends and transitional effects show up, revealing the two sports news anchormen sitting on the leather business chairs with their backs facing the camera. Then, they move around in a 180 degree angle with their faces facing the camera.)
Kevin: Hello, and welcome to the Sports Centre. I'm your host, Kevin Chiu…
Sonny: …and I'm your other host, Sonny Ing!
Kevin: Today's sports events could not be that worse, because there are some very interesting and awesome reports on sports events happening from yesterday!
Sonny: Our first top story came in—
(Suddenly, a NaruSaku fan comes up on the scene)
NaruSaku fan: (Leaping in joy) NARUSAKU FOREVER!! SASUSAKU NEVER!!
(Suddenly, Sonny gets pissed off and gets out a steel chair out of no-where. He then jumps on top of the fine glass table and belt-shots it real hard on the fan's head. The heavy impact sends the NaruSaku fan severely unconscious, on the floor.)
Sonny: (Muttering angrily) One more word out of you, and I'll kill you with my captive bolt pistol…--oops! Sorry for that, ladies and gentlemen. As I said, our first top story came in with a basketball game in the ACBA (Anime/Cartoon Basketball Association), the San Diablo Renegades against the Soul Society Shinigamis. The new basketball team—the San Diablo Renegades—consisted of two former cartoon basketball teams that merged together to make a whole new team, with a goal in winning the Championships. It's their 41st game of the 2007-2008 Season, and so far their record is now 28-13. They have now a winning percentage of .682 out of the 41 games they've played so far, but there are only 82 games in the season but let's just see what happened in this game.
(Video transition with the words "First Quarter" is shown, then the highlights of the first quarter of the game is shown.)
Sonny: Wile E. Coyote gets the ball first, but as the play progresses the possession of the ball had gone to the other team. Chad, the first and finest point guard of the Shinigamis serves around Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Taz all in one to score in a fade-away. This gives the Soul Society team a 4-point lead.
(Highlights end; the video transition with the words "Second Quarter" is shown and the highlights of the second quarter are shown.)
Sonny: We head on down to the second quarter. When the Shinigamis had the ball, look who stole the possession! It's Taz, the point guard, making the quick steal and spraying spit on Ishida's face! He passes to Bugs Bunny and Bugs slam dunks it to cut their lead in half, with the score at 60-58. Later on, the Shinigamis slip up again and give the Renegades the lead! We head on down to the third quarter!
(Video transition with the words "Third Quarter" shows up. After that, it ends and the parts of the game are shown.)
Sonny: The third quarter and the score now tied at 75-75! One of the power forwards from the Soul Society Shinigamis fouled a center violently, and a free throw was awarded to the San Diablo team. With two shots in, the cartoon team leads by two points, 75-77! But that lead isn't going to last, as a minute and 45 seconds later, Chad shoots out a three-pointer to give the Shinigamis a slight advantage! Now, the offence and the defence of the 2nd-placed anime team in the conference is improving slowly as they had scored 8 out of the 10 shots they had to give as the score was now 95-81!
(Video transition with the words "Fourth Quarter" shows up, and the highlights play.)
Sonny: Last quarter of the game and so far the Shinigamis are whooping the Renegades' asses by a mere 20-point lead. Suddenly, a lucky resurgence from the San Diablo Renegades came in as they slam dunked 5 times, and successful free throws of two times! Score's now 120 for the Shinigamis, and 119 for the Renegades! It's going to be a close game, ladies and gentlemen! Fifteen seconds on the clock remaining, will the Renegades pull it off? Taz to Bugs, Bugs to Porky Pig, over to a leaping Sylvester and GOT IT! Suffering succotash, the Renegades win it with a stunning, and stinging upset of 121-120! Right now, the Renegades are now 2nd place to Springfield in the Cartoon Conference with a win-loss result of 29-13! With the loss in mind for the anime team, the Soul Society Shinigamis are still 2nd in points for the Anime Conference but with the SEED Destiny team just closely behind them.
(Video cuts to where Sonny and Kevin are.)
Sonny: (facing to Kevin) Now, Kevin, do you have any news from the sports world lately?
Kevin: Yes I have, Sonny! As you all know, Jiraiya—one of the greatest (ero)-sannin of Konoha—has died from complications of injury due to a visit to one of the countries where he had been picked a fight by one of the Akatsuki members leaving him fatally injured. Jiraiya-sama was one of the best professional golfers we've seen in the anime/cartoon sports world having won the 2007 Coke Zero Golf Finals, and 25 other championships. He was in his late 50s when he died recently, and is survived by the closest friends and relatives they knew about him. We miss you Jiraiya, here on Sports Centre.
(A picture shot of Jiraiya and the words below saying "R.I.P. Jiraiya, one of the best sannin of the three." After that, the commercial breaks start.)
(COMMERCIAL BREAKS (INSERT COMMERCIALS HERE))
(After commercials end, the video goes back to Kevin and Sonny sitting where they are.)
Kevin: Welcome back! As we promised earlier, more sports news as we speak! Garfield, the lazy cat that can actually eat a lot of lasagna, won the Lasagna Eating Contest in Philadelphia just yesterday. This also marks the first time a world record was beaten by the cat himself. Garfield the cat ate 80 plates of lasagna beating the other competitors and winning the golden trophy, and had beated the world record of the count of plates of lasagna eaten in one day (by 10 plates!).
Sonny: Controversy sparked in the MCALB (Major Cartoon/Anime League of Baseball), when 25 players from 12 different teams admitted they had used illegal substances such as steroids, and participated in very illegal criminal activities. This scandal shocked the baseball world so much, that we wonder here at the S.C., what other dark scandals and crimes have we missed in the past years of sports history? This inspired us to make a Top Ten on the past histories of sports scandals and controversies.
Kevin: Our Top Ten starts with number ten itself, the 1992 ACHL Season. Kakuzu and Sasori from the Akatsuki Dominators were charged for illegal gang crime activity that involved selling drugs, smuggling weapons, and committing several counts of murder from the first degree to the third degree. Both were suspended from the league for life as a result of this controversy.
Sonny: Number nine on the list, the 1982 Winter Animation Olympics that happened in the Hidden Village of the Snow. In the ice hockey championships, five players from Team Konoha and five players from Team South Park were accused of having illegal booster injections when their drug tests showed up. The accused denied any reports that they had been taking drugs lately. Later on, they literally told the truth that they had been taken these kinds of injections and as a result they had their medals stripped off.
Kevin: Number eight on the Top Ten is the 2003 Sex Scandal between Sarutobi Asuma and Yuhi Kurenai. Asuma, a famous competitor in the tennis department, was accused by the media of having intercourse relationships with another famous tennis player. The media kept a close eye on the results, and finally the news came in: it was true. Yes, it was true that he did had sexual relationships with Kurenai and it shouldn't had happen had they not met.
Sonny: Here is number seven, with the report. The most famous dodgeball game, the "Powershot Classic" that's held every year starting in 1970, had this much controversy in this game. In the 2006 Powershot Classic, Impact Side's team member Haruno Sakura blasts a powerful shot of dodgeball into Yakanama Ino's face on the Slammer Side to secure a win for the unisex team in the game. Unfortunately, Sakura violated most of the drug/substances policy and added more to the controversy when it was reported that she had also had more than five cases of STDs, when it was found that she had sex with six other shinobis that were also on her dodgeball team. Oh wow, what kind of a crack whore is she, I wonder?...
(Meanwhile, in Konoha, Sakura is watching the sports news on the channel at the same time Sunny said it.)
Sakura: WHAT?! THEY DARE MOCK ME?!
Inner Sakura: THESE SPORTS NEWS BITCHES! THEY'LL PAY FOR WHAT THEY'VE CALLED HER! CHA!
Kevin: Umm, that's enough Sonny. Number six in hand—literally—came when Stan Smith was caught, pants-down, masturbating in the men's washroom during the Jai Alai Championships in 2005. It wasn't the first time he was touching himself inappropriately, as he had done it before. When asked about how it felt, he could say no more than "just a heavenly touch on your crotch". After saying this, the press reporters were indeed shocked at the Jai Alai contender for what he said and that Stan could've taken it back had he not done it in the first place.
Sonny: Alright. As we reach the top five of the Top Ten, number five saw one of the controversial crimes ever done in the history of sports: selling explosive merchandise for fans of the ACSCAR Overtime Overdrive Series! In the 2004 season, an estimate of 1.4 million (and over) merchandise products were sold to fans that participated in every race of the racing season. Little did the fans know that these merchandise products had high levels of explosive material in the layer coating of the product. Who made these dangerous products for the unsuspecting public? Two ACSCAR drivers, Deidara and Tobi were held responsible for making these unsafe, lethal merchandise two days after a race when the police found their workshop and their plans to dominate the league of stock car racing. After the incident, both drivers were banned from racing and were jailed for 80 years without bail and that there were 20 cases of death when consuming these products.
Kevin: But, they had broken out of jail soon enough in just a short time! Here's number four, getting close to the top three of the list. Another sex scandal was found in the 2007 AFL (Anime Football League) game between Konoha and Gekkostate. Once again, the newspaper and media just had a field day when they caught Naruto having sex with Hinata in the shower room, just before the game started. Apparently, Hinata told the reporters that it was "only a good-luck (BLEEP!)" and nothing else. We can't show you the tape of that incident from our sports news team, but you CAN find it on the Internet (DUH!).
Sonny: We're getting to the top three of the Top Ten, but stay tuned! It'll come back!
(A FEW COMMERCIAL BREAKS)
(After commercial breaks end, the screen now shows a coolly designed red and white background with the sponsor's logo.)
S.C. Announcer: This Sports Centre is brought to you by—(audio goes suddenly crazy by bleep censoring the sponsor's name and slogan being said.)
(Video turns to camera shooting at the view where Sonny and Kevin are sitting behind the shiny, glass reporter's table.)
Sonny: Hey, welcome back sports fans! I hope the audio equipment is working right now, because we've reached the top three! Now here's number three for the sports watchers! Now, number three is actually another most controversial moment in sports history caught on live T.V., in the 1982 UAFL (University Animation Football League) Duff Beer Championship. As the 3rd quarter started, most of the Orange Blaze team stripped down to their skivvies and did the unthinkable, streaking around the football field. Nobody knew why they did this but it could be their planning to do this after the Halftime Show, or that the head coach intended them to do it to gain some crowd publicity.
Kevin: As we reach the number one controversial sports moment of the history, we have number two to show you. The 1994 Federation of Animation Soccer League (or FASL, for short) Blitz Cup was no more than what it was called a great, fair sport when it was held in Spain. 30 soccer players from sixteen different teams were tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and other illegal drugs such as marijuana, crack, and PCP in their urine tests. The case was so controversial, that Speedy Gonzales commented "it was a championship gone wrong, these people went ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!"
Sonny: And now, the moment you've been waiting for! The number one most controversial and scandalized sports event in the history of the animation sports world! Before the WASA (World Animation Soccer Association) folded, sports news reporters, journalists, and other media had unfurled a shocking discovery in the soccer league when they found out that most of the soccer players were illegal immigrants. In fact, the head people who ran the soccer league had bribed the Immigration Protection Agency with millions of dollars to let their players get to the places they played. Not only that, but these soccer players were paid almost 200 times less than what the other soccer leagues pay the players for and commanded the players to do some nasty, very controversial things we're not going to mention on live TV. This very criminal, shocking scandal was uncovered in 2005 when the league folded one year ago.
Kevin: That's it for the Top Ten, and here's the highlight of the night! The 2008 Bowling Battler Championship, where Homer Simpson has scored another perfect game of his life! It also gave his team the win for the trophy! Boy, they're happy with the win! We're running out of time right now so remember we've still got sports coverage here on this channel. Auto racing is coming up next. That's it for now; join us for another episode of Sports Centre: Animation Edition! Until then…
Sonny: GOOD NIGHT!
(Lighting at the set slowly turns to near-darkness as the audience cheers and applauds.)
THE END!