Dear Cat,
I'm sorry but I need to tell you how I feel. Really.
I'm sick of being a third wheel with you two, well I'm not even that I know I'm not, I'll never be as good as him, I'll never be able to write as good a things as him, his posts will always be mocking me whenever I go on facebook and I don't think you understand how much it hurts
I don't think you understand how much it hurt when you ignore my messages but I see more between you and him, you say what he said made you feel worthless, try being me while that's going on. Try being me when you were one minute slagging him off then the next see messages about you cuddling on the sofa. You want to know how that feels? It feels like someone walking up to you and ripping your heart out wrapping it in barbed wire then shoving it back it.
I try and be civil about it, I try and act all happy I try and be happy for you but I can't anymore I can't sit here and pretend this isn't hurting. I've tried and tired to let you go, I've tried distancing myself but I end up feeling bad, crawling back, getting hurt again and asking myself why? Why am I doing this? Because one day I hope you'll return my dead-end feeling? Because I've fallen hopelessly in love with you and I can't pick myself back up? I don't even fucking know anymore to be quite honest. But all I know is I can't keep going on like this or I'm going to snap big time.
Sometimes I wonder if the things you say are true, like when you say you care I honestly wonder if that is true most of the time and that your there for me, because for a split second I have an e-mail I think its a text from you and my heart jumps, then I realise that you don't text unless I text first.
I'm lying here crying yet again writing this I'm rather glad I can touch type because I can't see the keys, but its because there are so many things going around my head like "what if she hates me when I send this" oh wait you already do "what if she thinks I hate her?" I don't but your gonna do what everyone else does when I tell them how I really feel, pack up and leave me just like everyone else does, that's why I have so many walls not just to keep people out but to keep me in, so I don't tell people how I feel, so I don't tell people I like them. So I don't take risks. So I don't get hurt.
I wish I could go back to primary school and how I was back then I didn't care, I never apologised for anything I never said thank you if someone pissed me off I would hit them I never cried over anyone I never cried unless I had been hurt by falling or something.
And I've decided I do want you to read those quotes, so if I'm going to be truthful I need you to read these.
these all the quotes I wrote and copied In between
"I just want to lie down and cry, cry out all the jealousy, cry out all the dead end feelings, cry out all the times I've ever wanted it all to be true."
"Congratulations, you broke down my walls, I let you in, I showed you things about me very few have seen. I showed you me being nice and I showed you how mean I can be. But one thing you forgot to do. Was build them back up when you left."
"One thing you said you would do was be there when I feel down, but when I'm dying inside. Where are you now?"
"I can't look at you, you know why?. Because everytime I do. You know the little world in my head?. It breaks down and makes me see the truth behind the sweet lies."
"Guess what, I practically break down inside everytime I see your face, want to know why?. Because I think of all the lies you've told me and stupidly how I believed them."
"I want to regret meeting you so badly it hurts, but on the other hand I don't because everytime I talk to you, you make everything bad go away, but I'm starting to realise your one of the bad things that just won't go away."
"Tell me who your angel?, who's your soldier to hold you bolder?." - Bridget Mendler Something beautiful
"Your spinning round and round and round in my head, did you really mean the words that you said? this is it I gotta know should I stay or should I go? Show me the truth is gonna be me and you?" - Let it shine me and you
"I'm just a shy kid camouflaged before your eyes, and my lyrics were a key to see the other side, I should of told you but I never had the courage and I thought you really wouldn't understand, so I'm hoping just to let my feelings surface apologise for the skies and who I am." - Let it shine me and you
"Why do I feel so deceived?, guess I believed what I wanted to believe, its perfect in my dreams but nothing really white is it seems." - Let it shine me and you
"Now the truth is evident, I really mean nothing too you, I never have and I never will."
"I just want to lie down and cry. Cry out all of the times you hurt me, forget all the time I've gotten jealous over you, forget all the times I've cried over you and forget that you were ever there."
"Honesty is the best policy, but somethings are best left unsaid."
"Just because we don't talk doesn't mean I don't think about you, I'm trying to distance myself because I know I can't have you."
"I've gone from not being able to look at you for the fear of being noticed, to not wanting to stop looking at you for the fear of forgetting you were ever there, to wanting to stop looking at you but wanting to forget you were ever there."
"I Liked you, I Love you, I want to forget you but I can't because I Love you to much to try."
"The amount of pain you have brought my already shattered heart is enough to turn it to dust. Wait I phrased that wrong. Was enough to turn it to dust."
"The world has been crushed, the truth is leaking through, the walls are breaking down and aren't rising back up. You've broken me without even realising it but you don't even care."
"You are a waste of tears, why don't I hate you?."
"I'll stay stone hearted and plain faced for the rest of my life with you if it means you'll never know."
"I'll speak the lies and write the truth for the lies can be denied but the truth will never be forgotten"
"I'm just an inconvenience for you when he's around"
"I'm crying again, over you. The bloods running again, over you. The world once repaired is crumbling again. Because of him."
They are from all the times I was down and you weren't there, all the times I needed you but you didn't reply. From all the times I lay crumpled on the floor all the times I've been in bed wishing you were here. But you weren't.
Now I know what your going to do after you've read all of this paragraph, your going to stop talking, your going to do what everyone does, leave me. And we are going to stop talking because your going to hate me. And even though I know this is going to happen I needed to tell you all that or I would do something I would regret, I regret sending this but I needed to tell you
But whatever you choose could you please tell me, I know I don't deserve it but please would you. But just remember I do not hate you. And to prove this when you reply I will send you the nice thing I wrote you
I'm sorry.
There never was any reply
Text sent 20:51
Look Cat, I'm so so so so so so so sorry about what I said I should never of said those things is was stupid of me to ever think of sending you those things especially after what happened last night and I feel so fricken bad for every thing in that paragraph.
I sent it because a picture of you and Aran about to kiss came up on my facebook wall and I got angry then sad and before I knew it I sent it.
I'm so stupid for getting upset over these things, I really shouldn't your happy together so I should be happy for you but I can't because I'm really jealous and I'm not even like that normally its just my fault, I always do this.
I can fully understand if you never want to talk to me again I'll be sad but I'll understand why. And I can also fully understand if you hate me because I hate myself at the moment. I just want you to know I'll always be here for you no matter what you need whatever the time or place.
And I just wrote this little thing to show you how much you mean to me because your like a diamond
The natural diamond always beautiful has 58 faces when shaped.
And Those 58 faces all represent something you are to me
but the very last face because to me you are the most perfect thing in the world.
Now I'm going to leave it there I just hope you'll forgive me because you mean the world to me and more because
Your beautiful, talented, crazy, funny, strange, cute, adorable and to me your perfect. I don't know what you mean by I deserve better because to me you are the best and they way I've acted you deserve much much better than me. Also I don't hate you I never have so don't tell me I do when I don't.
That song lyrics paragraph took me over three days to write so even when I wasn't talking to you I was still thinking about you.
I learnt something on friday, when I talked to you I thought I was going to shut down and not be able to look you in the eye, but I was the complete opposite, I couldn't stop looking into your beautiful eyes it was like once I started I couldn't stop and I could of just sat there and talked to you forever and day it was amazing.
But seriously, you need to tell the girl you like how you feel because it will get it off your chest and I don't see how anyone can hate you because yano' your perfect and your idea of a night in sounds just as perfect as you so she would probably love it and she could like you back. But even if you don't tell her you need to tell me her name and trust me and I know you probably don't anymore:(. And like I said if it goes bad I'll always be here for you because your Cat and I'm Jade and I'd take you to the party any day:)
and I would hate to loose you over another stupid mistake I've made.
I'm so sorry Cat:'(
I love you
From Jade xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxo
The thing that hurts the most is the fact I won't get her back, I will never get a chance because I had to run my mouth and tell her how I feel
Today was the day I lost Cat and she will never forgive me.
R&R please I'm taking requests I want to take a break from Cade for a bit so nice comments please and I'll only do a oneshot or multi-chapter if someone else is helping