Chapter 1 Lily's letter

1981.

Lily put her little son to the crib very carefully. It was dark in the room, but she noticed the sky and the dim of stars, glittering under the curtains. Harry had slept soundly and didn't wake when mum wrapped him. His toys were silent, securing the child's dream.

Lily admired Harry, examining son in the moonlight. His dark hair disheveled on the pillow, his breathing smooth, his face filled with serenity. In spite of them, noisy grown-ups, he forgot about all the troubles immediately, setting out to the distant countries he's never been.

She gave him the last glance and finally left the room. Stepping level down, Lily could hear James's and Sirius's muffled voices.

Lily stopped at the entrance to the kitchen. Best friends were sitting on the oak table, talking animatedly. Empty butter beer bottles reflected the fire, and bright lights shone in the dark of the kitchen.

Since Harry was born, everybody tried to be very quiet in the evenings. It became a habit. Harry has been sleeping level up and couldn't hear any noise, but Sirius kept whispering, bowing his head to James instinctively.

Lily lent her ears.

'Listen to me, James, we can still change the plan…'

Potter shook his head.

'I've already said to Dumbledore we're choosing you. You're my best friend, Padfoot…'

'Precisely!' Black interrupted. He threw back his hair, taking a deep breath and preparing for a new battle. There were some wild shine in Sirius's eyes, his special thrill.

'Everybody knows that. So Voldemort does!'

Black punched himself in his chest desperately.

'I'll never betray you, and I'm going to lie in hiding too, but we should do everything to protect you…'

A shiver passed over James's face. He has been very depressed since the day they started to hide. Staying at one place was too cruel. James was angry and exhausted at the same time. There was nothing easier than tick him off now. Potter was breathing without feeling air, he missed freedom, and every mention about it made him sick.

Sirius noticed that.

'Listen, I understand…'

He pat Prong's shoulder. Of course, Black would never know how to be locked in four walls. Sirius continued travelling and visiting different towns fulfilling the Order's tasks. Of course, he tried to encourage James, and made a long pause, waiting.

'If you choose me as a Secret Keeper', he said, 'that's gonna be too easy. If you change your mind, we will have an advantage. Choose Peter instead of me!'

Black said it in a louder tone, and turned his glance to the corridor immediately, afraid to hear Harry's cry. Lily smiled. She was amused by the fact that daring Sirius Black could be afraid of the little child.

Calming down, he turned to James again.

'Choose Peter, I'm pretty sure about him. He doesn't have nor courage or strength, and never be able to betray you. How such a nonentity as him can be capable of this…'

Sirius sniffed and made a mistake. Lily frowned. Black's notice about Peter really hurt her.

'If he's such a nonentity, how can we trust him?' she asked.

Sirius and James met her harsh glance. Potter looked confused; Sirius hung his head, hiding in his black long hair.

She made them ashamed, and everybody knew that.

'We've got a traitor, you know. Somebody is selling every step of yours to Voldemort. Peter is the best variant I know…'

Black seemed to calm Lily down, but the girl sparked.

'Remus is a good variant too. Why shouldn't we choose him?'

It was the question she wanted to ask for a very long time.

Sirius and James turned red. The shine in Padfood's eyes vanished. Lily knew what they were thinking about. This question hurt them, and guys turned into ashamed schoolboys again. There were some rumors about it, and, to her shock, Lily soon realized Sirius had suspended Remus to be the traitor. This idea sounded absurd to her. Kind, loyal, tactful Lupin was one of the best people she's ever met. At the same time Sirius's worries turned into paranoia, Lupin became his aim now. Padfood's suspicions transformed into conversations about werewolves and the side they had chosen.

Lily shook her head.

'He's your friend. Do you remember that?' she asked, and James and Sirius kept silent again. This silence made her sick. Lily looked at husband's eyes.

'You behave like cowards'. Lily, who had a talent to see something good in every person, was trying to shake them with these words. 'He's my friend too. I trust him my life as he trusts me, and I hope, you still remember you should never betray your friends'.

These words affected on James like a hit. He started back, as though he had got a slap in the face. They chatted about it behind Lupin's back while Remus still believed in their friendship. Sirius kept silent, and Lily seemed to be able to read his thoughts, dark and unpleasant.

Black turned back to James realizing he could loose in this glance battle.

'I believe Peter is the best choice and no one…'

Lily stepped back to the corridor, feeling anger. She came upstairs and closed the door to the bedroom, dividing herself from husband's and Sirius's voices.

Their live turned to be hide-and-sick. It has already become exhausting without disbelieves and betrayal. Lily was tired and felt empty inside because of it.

Of course, James gonna take Black's side, sooner or later. Sirius would make him choose Peter as their Secret Keeper. Well, she didn't worry about Wormy, she trusted him too. But Lily was offended, here was the fact. She was offended because of Remus, and there was nobody else except her to stand for him.

By the way, she hasn't written to Lupin for a while. They knew Remus was somewhere on North, working for Order. Lupin trusted Dumbledore completely. Lying on bed, Lily closed her eyes and imagined Lupin's kind mild smile. He wasn't the traitor, of course. He was just too busy to visit the Potters very often. In spite of James or Sirius, Evans and Lupin have always been friends. Lily remembered that, and was going to support Remus till the very end.

She could write him a letter, perhaps. Lily opened her eyes and found the calendar. Full moon expected to occur tomorrow, so she couldn't get an answer too quickly. Well, it was worth waiting. The idea of the letter encouraged Lily; the witch got up and sat on the little table. She took the paper, smoothing it out, and started to trace out the letter.

Dear Moony!

I'm thinking of you. How are you? Haven't got any news from you for a while. I know, your work for the Order

takes all the time, and the full moon is on its way… I just hope you're all right.

While you're busy, I'm going to tell you our little news. Harry grows up so fast! James and I can hardly watch

over him trying to prevent any mischief he can manage. I predict, he's gonna be such a scamp! Harry is very

much alike James; you'll see it when visit us next time. He even inherited James's hair, can you imagine that?

(Merlin, I hope he won't rumple it)

Lily didn't hide a smile while writing it. Despite the constant fear and worries she was so happy to have Harry. He was a desired child, and Lily enjoyed every day they were spending together… Suddenly Lily decided to open her heart to Remus, and the witch continued writing.

I dream of the future time after time. I rate every moment we have together, but sometimes... it's silly, I know,

but I'm dreaming of life we can have in the future. You may think I am crazy, but I believe we still have a chance,

and we can go back to a normal life one day. I like to imagine the day when the nightmares vanish, I can see our

family getting stronger, and our friends gather just like in old times.

I hope you're fine, and there is nothing to trouble you (except the 'furry problem', of course).

Please, visit us when you'll find a moment.

After some pause Lily decided to add something else too. It's Remus, and she could be frank with him. All Lily's secrets would be safe with Lupin... Yeah, she could write him something, something very touching, something to warm his lonely heart. Remus was so lonely, and gonna stay alone, perhaps. Yeah, he was lonely, but she wouldn't let him down.

Don't forget, we love you, Remus, and always welcome you in our house. Sirius became a godfather

when Harry was born… he and James are hand in glove, of course, and Padfoot is so naughty… he's

gonna be the worst godfather ever! May be, it's good we had a baby boy first. Sirius would never be

able to take care of the girl. We need somebody responsible and kind for such a difficult job.

When this nightmare is over and we have a child again (I dream to have a daughter next, as you

guessed), you'll be the only one choice to be a godfather for her. You may trust me as I always trust you.

Wish you to get better soon. Write us, when you have a spare time.

Sincerely yours,

Lily, James and Harry

Lily felt joy while finishing the letter. May be, it appeared to be too frank, but the witch didn't worried about it already. Lily had shown all her feelings, all her thoughts in these words, and she was sure Lupin would be happy to get this note.

Lily reread the text and folded up the parchment carefully, preparing it for transporting. Then she woke up the sleepy owl, tied it on her paw, trying to do her best to fix the letter reliably.

… Lily Potter hadn't known yet she would never receive an answer from Remus. Voldemort would find them first, and Lily was going to turn into memory, just reminiscence, painful to remember.