One shot. Excuse: the cheeseball made me do it. Dang it all. Plot: The importance of Being Earnest (the movie, not the play). The characters: JK Rowling. Obviously. Stupidhead. Its not finished...and probably won't be. Unless hell should freeze over or i get more time on my hands...if not i'll just have to wait till spring break to finish this. but this is for all my faithful fans out there who are still trucking along and reading the crackfic. God loves you. I would love you cept its three fourteen in the morning.
Ah, yes. Our story begins on a darkened Hogsmead road, on an evening so misty that taking a walk would have been the equivalent of swimming
in mashed potatoes. As a matter of fact, that's just what several young ladies were currently doing, in a large vat with a young wizard. His dark
hair hung with sexy mysteriousness in his eyes, dispite the clumped mashed potatoes that clung to his bangs. All the girls were throwing themselves
apon them, and the servants were just about to stir in a fresh load of gravy when the door to the private sweet opened. In stepped a tall man, his
face sheilded by a mask. He pulled out his wand...and the the rather potatoe-y wizard fled for his life.
Once outside of the hotel, he dashed into a darkened ally and lept gracefully into a passing carriage. Inside, he found an older woman, wearing an
expression that could curdle fresh milk. Glaring at hattemptingly innocent smile, she maintained a cold silence. He finally broke it with the
words,"McGonagall, I know I hexed your cat in my fourth yeau sr, but ten years is an awfully long time to hold a grudge.."She cut him off with a
rather sharp glance, and grabbing him by the scruff of his neck, forced him under the seat. Just then, the intruder from the hotel entered the
cairrage.
"My, I'm getting a lot of visitors this evening", McGonagall sniffed. With his vision obstructed by the hem of McGonagall's robes, all he could see
was the man's steel plated boots. He did, however, have an excellent postion for hearing all that was said above him.
"I'm looking for a man who goes by the name of Black. Sirius Black. Tall fellow, dark hair, owes 45.000 galleons to my manager."
"Oh, no. Of course not, What on earth would make you suspect that I would associate with such scum as would owe that amount of money?"
Sounding slightly offended, the man replied,"its not uncommon for some to owe that amount, what with the hippogriffe races and whatnot. I myself
can recall a time when I had to sell my own mother off into the slave market just because I couldn't afford to by me a pint of whiskey. Those were
the days. Live a little off of this..pinch a little off that..."
And with that, he was lost in his remininces of days of yore. Sirius, for that indeed was the man who was currently being half-suffocated by
McGonagall's robes under her seat, took this walk down Nostalgia Lane as the oppurtunity he had been waiting for. Screwing his eyes shut, he
dissapperated with a loud POP
and was not seen in those parts ever again
Meanwhile, in a small house located God-only-knows-where somewhere out in the generalized "countryside" that's always referred to but never
specifically named, a rather exasperated Remus Lupin was arguing with his houseguest. While it was not in his usual nature to be persnickity and
adultish, he felt that it was his duty to ensure that his sixteen year old ward was at least recieving an education while recooperating from her..."furry
little problem." However, she was at the age where most teenage girls are crazy with anghst and whatnot anyways. Having just been bitten and
turned into a werewolf certainly wasn't helping. It was bad enough that she had developed an uncontrollable urge to chew at the furniture legs.
Recently, she had taken to romantic fantasies that not only destracted her from her studies but caused her to hallucinate and fall in love with
whatever man she was standing within 30 feet of. Although he had never seen this side effect before, Remus just figured it was part of the
recovery process. Besides, even if Jessie was demolishing what little furniture he had in his sparce apartment, he owed it to Dumbledore for letting
him attend Hogwarts. And besides, the Headmaster had promised to repay all damages.
However, it was extremely trying on his patience to wake up and find Jessie drooling over him...literally. And that was why he was taking a much
deserves respite to the city to visit his longtime friend and fellow conspirator Sirius. Just the two of them...just like in old times. Minus James. He
was to busth Lily being married and whatnot. And of course without Peter. Because he was off being Peter...which involved doing Peter-like
things. Who knew? One thing was for sure, however. No matter how idiotic and half-crazed Jess might be, it would hurt her little demented
feelings to know that Remus was trying his absolute hardest to escape from the constant pressure and strain of semi-fatherhood. They cared for
each other, in their own dysfunctional way. They even loved each other, just a bit. But she was slowly driving him mad with her antics...and
therefore Sirius became his excuse. Sirius, the rogue younger brother of Remus's that continually insisted on spending more than he could ever
possibly make and was constantly of the verge of spending an eternity of suffering in the pits of Hell. So Remus, being the goodly and wise "big
brother" that he was, was constantly being called down to rectify his reckless brother's financial matters. At least that's what he told his companions.
So it was off to the city for him, which unfortunately involed leaving his rather incompetent guest in the hands of his even less competent
housekeeper. She wasn't actually his housekeeper...she was more like his next door neighbor who took pity on him once a month and washed his
socks for him. Being a muggle, she simply couldn't understand how he functioned without a washer, dryer, and other such electronical appliances.
While Remus could manage perfectly fine on his own, it apparently delighted her to no end to be able to present him with a sparkling pile of clean
white socks at the end of the day. Who was he to deprive her of such pleasure? Besides, she was uncommonly good at finding all of the sock
matches and even managed, by some miracle of muggledom, to get all of the static out of his underwear. Because we all know just how truly
horrible it is to wear a pair of tighty-whites that have electric shocks running through them every five seconds. However capable she may be as a
laundress, however, Remus just didn't feel entirely secure in knowing that the old bat would be taking care of his new little werewolf. The two of
them together could cause lots and lots of havoc...but seeing as how he really wasn't willing to spend his whole break babysitting a sixteen-year
old, he had to take his chances and hope that nothing exploded.Besides, he was leaving on the first of the month, and would be back before the
full moon. What could possibly go wrong?
Everything, apparantly. Sirius, having escaped from the tax-collector, found himself wandering wanly through the streets of London. With little
money in his pockets and no place to stay for the night, there was only one option left: Find a woman. When all else fails, lads, a good girl will
always be willing to take you in. Wether or not she'll put you out the next morning is never actually for certain .It all depends on what happens
during the evening interval. Strolling past a small cafe on a cozy little corner, one of the cute ones with a coffee cup painted on the sign and a
corporate logo attatched to everything they sell, our renegade just so happened to peer in and lo! and behold, there was Remus! He felt like a
complete imbecile, seeing as how he had forgotten entirely about his appointment to meet up with his loyal comrade at 7:30 on the dot. Oh well.
No matter now, However, there was also the slight problem of his being completely broke. He hated having to go in and ask Remus to cover the
bill by himself. Remus probably didnt even have enough on him to cover himself, let alone another. Shamed, but only slightly, Sirius strolled
casually into the warm cozy atmosphere. Ignoring the guitar strumming tree hugger who was begging each entering customer for a love donation to
the hippogriffe home, he took a seat by his rather exasperated friend.
"Reggie, I cannot believe you. How hard is it to keep a 7:30 dinner appointment? I am disgraced to be seen with you in public. For shame."
Sirius stared incredulously at his friend. Had he gone delusional, or had Remus just called him...Reggie?!
"Remus, are you feeling ok? And what is up with the old man accent? I think you've been cooped up in that house too long. You need to get out
more. Meet some girls, experience some night life.."
However, he was cut short by a "Shhh"ing sound from Remus.
"Come with me." With that, Remus led "Reggie" out of the cafe and they dissaperated with a loud POP to the hotel room that Remus had waiting.
"You see," he explained, taking a seat in a rather lush chiffon chair,"I couldn't have called you Sirius. You see, my name's Sirius. But only in the
city. This is because in the country, I am known as good natured, well mannered Remus. This isn't a problem, except it makes it a bit hard to get
into certain clubs with such a resputable and upstanding character like my own. Therefore, I borrow your identity, or so to speak, become you.
It's much easier now to get what I want when people know that I'm not a saint. It's much more fun to strike a bit of fear into someone's heart than
to have them look down apon you."
Sirius couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Basically, you stole my identity...but you're so nice, for God's sake! You never do anything wrong.
We couldn't even get you to forge your signature third year for the trips into Hogsmeade! What on earth possibly posessed you to become me?
Of all people, me? You can't be me, I'm me! And besides, you don't do me well. I would never have my shirtails tucked in! Its just absolutely
appalling."
Sighing, Remus took a glance at his watch and replied, "well, it's time for me to apperate."
"But wait! I have something I've been meaning to give to you." Sirius reached into his coatpockets and pulled out a wallet. In it, were ingraved the
initials S.B. "So, I'm assuming this would belong to you? Seeing as how it has your photo in it and everything?"
why is this a oneshot instead of some wonderfully long 58999 chapter story? because it was 2 in the morning and ideas that decide to pop into your head at that ungodly hour dont deserve to be completely thought through. and no, if you did not see the importance of being earnest, then you will not get this in the least. you know what? bite me.