One night , that is all the time I had left with him. All the time I had to show him that I did love him.

He knew the moment I gave him the amulet, he knew he wasn't coming out of there. I guess I knew it too .

Angel knew it .

So, I guess I did it , I could have let Angel wear the damn thing and Spike could have fought by my side , kept me safe while I kept him safe. We could have come out of there together and triumphant. Instead I watched the man I love burn. I guess he's there in hell cursing the day he ever saw me. Who would blame him? Certainly not me .I know Dawn blames me .

She can't even look at me now. I can't even look at myself.Mirrors show the ugliness that is inside me , so I smashed them all . Mirrors should be the window to the soul, not eyes, I see how blackened my soul is , ever since the day Spike died . Because of me .

My hero, what a hero, he was someone so in love he couldn't refuse .

I hate him for that. Just a little.

I hate myself more . I loved him and couldn't tell him because I was scared. A slayer scared of something that ultimately would save her.

I travel and keep myself to myself. No point letting anyone close now that I'm just a shell. I wouldn't want anyone else to burn because of me. Too many good people have died because of me.

Bars offer me sanctuary now, a full glass keeps me company. The screams from alleys go unheard, the undead don't bother me. The coldness in my eyes scare them, that's how dark I am now.They feared me before , but they would still try and taste me. Now they run in fear of the blackness that has consumed me.

L.A was a city that anyone can get lost in. I tried. The sun and beaches held no joy for me. There was a time when I would have bathed in the sun and laid on the beach , I would have longed for the day when release from my calling would have given that chance. Now I stare at the back of a bar, anything to bury the memory of what I lost along with my soul that day in the Hell Mouth.

Then the night came when I picked the wrong bar and the wrong time. The whispers echoed around me as clientelle sunk into the shadows. The barman poured the drinks and then backed off. The tingle felt familiar but I ignored it. It wasn't the first time that I had felt it. I had felt it in Italy and at that time I was still lived with some hope, but that had been quashed and only spun me further into the darkness.

That tingle that would lead me into dark corners or alleys or a crypt back in Sunnydale. I don't look now, he's gone.No use getting hopes up.

Outside a bar, a blonde , leather clad figure kicks at a can , waiting for his colleague to run the errand that was so important.

"This seat taken?"

"If it's empty then I guess not"

"I can sense a great pain in you, a tragedy, a lost love .Am I right?"

"Let me see, your an empath? Do me and you a favour and just go find someone else to bug, I don't do company"

"So I can see, I also see the one you grieve"

"Big deal, most demons know by now, your not the first to use that to get to me. I'm not going to fight you. Try a Pathros demon, I hear their good for an ass kicking"

"I'm not here for a fight. What you need is here at this address. Go there at midnight "

The demon left and on the bar in front of me was a business card. So he expected me to go, for all I knew it was a set up.Like I'd fall for that.

I walked into the bar , despite my better judgement and found the bar more or less empty. At least the patrons here were mostly human. I took up my spot at the bar and waited.

The alcohol takes effect and I slip into a booth now. Hiding from public gazes as the bar fills up. The stage light comes on and a few of the clients take to it. Some sing, some tell their tales , some recite their poems. All leave feeling the same. What's the point to it? A calm falls over the room and I look up through the haze of smoke and alcohol.

The light hurts my eyes and makes it hard to focus. I groan and lean back. Content to just listen, it's not going to be long and then I'll be numb again.

A cough over the speakers draws everyone's attention.

" She was a Phantom of delight

When first she gleamed upon my sight;

A lovely Apparition, sent

To be a moment's ornament;

Her eyes as stars of Twilight fair;

Like Twilight's, too, her dusky hair;

But all things else about her drawn

From May-time and the cheerful Dawn;

A dancing Shape, an Image gay,

To haunt, to startle, and way-lay

I saw her upon nearer view,

A Spirit, yet a Woman too!

Her household motions light and free,

And steps of virgin-liberty;

A countenance in which did meet

Sweet records, promises as sweet;

A Creature not too bright or good

For human nature's daily food;

For transient sorrows, simple wiles,

Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears, and smiles.

And now I see with eye serene

The very pulse of the machine;

A Being breathing thoughtful breath,

A Traveller between life and death;

The reason firm, the temperate will,

Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill;

A perfect Woman, nobly planned,

To warn, to comfort, and command;

And yet a Spirit still, and bright

With something of angelic light.

Thank you"

I look up.It was him . His voice, him.

He stands at the bar and the barman points him my way.

He is alive and here. I can't do this. I get up to leave and find myself walking into a firm chest.

"Hello Cutie"