There are two types of people in this world.
People who can pull off a successful prank, and people who can't.
It is not that the people in the second group are not clever or creative enough, and it is not that they don't have the resources. These people have a habit of sabotaging themselves when it comes to tricking family and friends. These people are uncomfortable about deceiving others because they are usually very genuine and open (if not a little awkward) people, so the act of pranking goes somewhat against their natural disposition.
Jess was in this category, but she refused to accept that about herself. She was always trying to prank someone so she would get admitted into the prestigious club of pranksters that she was convinced actually existed. This resulted in countless failed attempts on her part throughout her life, and once she became comfortable at the loft, she began her journey toward executing the perfect prank anew.
To further complicate matters, her definition of "prank" was a bit loose.
"What the-….guys! Why is there a sock in the pickle jar?" Nick yelled, holding the jar to his face in hopes he had been mistaken.
Nope. That's a sock.
"Ha! You just got Punk'd!" Jess jumped out from behind the couch she had been crouching by, waiting for someone to come upon the sock and comment about it. She was absolutely beside herself with joy at her brilliant joke and could not even keep the spring out of her step as she moved around the couch to Nick.
Nick just stared at her.
"Punk'd? What? This is a prank?" Nick gestured with the item in question. "Jess, this is a sock in a pickle jar."
"I know. Pretty great, right?" she said, leaning on the middle counter with her face in her hands. She sounded wistful and proud, like the prank had been a huge undertaking that had taken years upon years to set up and now that it was done, she was nostalgic.
Nick shook his head, putting the jar back into the fridge. He would let Schmidt or Winston deal with that.
"Jess, I think you're confused on what a prank is," Nick said. "A prank is when you throw toilet paper on someone's house, or put plastic wrap on the toilet seat, or steal your friend's car."
"Did I hear something about Ashton Kutcher?" Schmidt asked excitedly, popping around the corner.
"Yeah, I just Punk'd Nick," Jess informed him smugly. Nick scrunched his face in disapproval.
"No, that doesn't count, that-…"
"What was the prank?" Schmidt asked. He and Jess were beaming at each other like energetic schoolchildren.
"Check the fridge," Nick said. Schmidt obliged and opened the refrigerator door, peering in. He snapped his head back and smiled at Jess, pointing at her in a mock-accusation fashion.
"Sock in the pickle jar. Classic!"
Nick rolled his eyes and threw his hands up.
"That's not 'classic.' That's just weird and unsanitary for the pickles."
"You're just upset that you fell for my prank," Jess told him playfully. At a loss, Nick merely looked at her and shook his head.
"I just want to eat lunch. Am I going to find a scarf in the mayonnaise?"
"Pft, of course not. That's just silly."
Just one prank wasn't enough for Jess. The feeling of accomplishment was too intoxicating to not experience again.
The idea came to her when she was sitting cross-legged on her bed on a late Thursday evening, grading some tests. She could hear the boys watching The Grudge in the living room, their not-so manly shrieks coming through the wall quite clearly. She had refused to watch because of her aversion to scary movies on the whole, but also because of her schoolwork.
But as she listened to their startled yells, she wondered if she should take advantage of the situation.
A true prankster would, she thought, with a mischievous grin on her face. She had been itching for opportunity like this.
She checked her watch. The movie would be over soon, if she estimated its length correctly.
Nick, Winston, and Schmidt all stared at the black television screen in silence. The room was now mostly dark since it was so late at night. Nick shifted slightly in his seat, creeped out but not nearly as scared as Schmidt and Winston seemed.
"That…wasn't so bad..." Winston said.
"Then why are you whispering?" Schmidt asked, trying to relinquish his vice-grip on his pillow.
"I'm pretty sure you cried at that one part, man," Nick pointed out to Winston, smirking.
"I did not!" Winston protested, his voice shrill.
They continued to argue on whether or not tears were actually shed, when Nick saw something out of the corner of his eye. The trio turned to see an eerily quiet Jess, shuffling into the room with a blanket over her shoulders and all of her hair in front of her face. She was hunched over, her arms dangling lifelessly and her body almost limp. She stopped approaching them and just stood there, motionless and obscured by darkness.
The boys all were at a loss for words for a moment, and it was Nick who spoke up first.
"Jess…?"
"Jess, this isn't funny!" Winston said in a heated whisper, trembling next to Nick.
"Guys, this is obviously just a trick," Schmidt said, though the shakiness of his voice betrayed him. He swallowed. "Jess, say something."
Nothing. The room was entirely still.
And suddenly, Jess let out one of the most high-pitched screams Nick had ever heard in his whole life, accompanied with wild, spastic gestures that threw the blanket off of her. All three of the boys yelled in surprise, and Nick even tossed up the bowl of popcorn in alarm, resulting in salt and kernels raining down around them.
Triumphant, Jess laughed joyfully and began an ostentatious victory dance. In spite of himself, Nick could not help but smile at her outlandish behavior.
"Not cool, Jess! Now I have to disturb Dyson to clean up this whole mess!" Schmidt complained, angrily getting to his feet and trying to step over the popcorn pieces. Nick rolled his eyes, still having to get used to Schmidt referring to the vacuum by name, as if it was a person who just liked to sleep in their hall closet and had to be awoken for each bout of cleaning.
"That's it, I'm not sleeping tonight," Winston decided, nodding to himself as if that was the mature, reasonable thing to do.
"I hate to admit it, but that was a good one, Jess," Nick said, standing. He could just barely see her proud grin flash before him. "But I hope you know," he said, trying to seem intimidating by cracking his knuckles, "that this means war."
Jess laughed arrogantly, putting her hands on her hips.
"I accept your declaration of war, Nick Miller. Or should I say, General Poo Eyes?"
"Don't call me that."
"I think it's important to note that the first battle was won by General Day, and her army is going to celebrate her victory with much dancing and cookie dough ice cream."
With that, she began to dance again, just to rub it in Nick's face, but she had forgotten that her blanket was on the floor. She slipped on the cloth and was instantly sent flailing. Nick tried to catch her but failed miserably thanks to the lack of light.
"Jess!" he yelped, crouching next to her, trying not to laugh. She was always so clumsy, even in her moments of achievement. Jess was laying on her back with her eyes closed, her hand over her forehead.
"Ow," she muttered. "That's what I get for gloating."
"Come on, the ice cream will make you feel better," Nick said, offering his hand. Jess eyed it suspiciously.
Nick sighed, giving her his usual look of half exasperation and half amusement.
"General Miller is calling a temporary truce from the Prank Wars," he said, playing along. "You know, as long as there isn't underwear in the ice cream carton."
Jess snorted slightly as she laughed.
"General Day promises there isn't," she said. "But I wouldn't look in the ice trays."
Nick made a face as he helped Jess get to her feet. At this point, Schmidt was busy vacuuming, and Winston had unplugged one of the main room's large lamps and was dragging it to his bedroom.
"What did you do to the ice-…Winston, where are you going with that lamp?" Nick asked as Winston tried to hurry out of sight. He called back over his shoulder.
"Oh, you know, just a little late night redecorating."
Nick suspected Winston did not want just a regular nightlight for his presumably fitful night's sleep, and that only a more-luminous lamp would suffice. Shaking his head at his friend's irrational phobias, he gently led Jess toward the kitchen, his hand resting lightly on her back.
And even though he had called a truce, Nick was already going through his mental list of tried-and-true pranks, trying to think of which one would be appropriate for a woman like Jessica Day.
In the end, he didn't pick any of them. He concocted a brand new scheme, one that he would brag about for weeks afterward and insist that it was one of his greatest setups to date. If someone asked Jess about it, she would tell them that it wasn't that great, that it had hardly scared her at all.
Very few people know precisely what happened that night.
Nick had planned for everything. Including the weather.
"And I even checked the weather forecasts and told Cece to have them watch the movie tonight, because it said it was going to storm," Nick finished explaining animatedly to an engrossed Schmidt and Winston. Schmidt seemed proud of Nick's endeavors, while Winston was wary.
"That is brilliant," Schmidt told him, grinning.
"When are you going to let her know it's a prank?" Winston asked, his hands clasped firmly in front of him as he sat across from Nick on the couch. Nick looked to him, confused, while Schmidt scoffed.
"How about never? She can figure it out for herself."
"Nah, it's ok. I figure once she realizes out that I'm not answering my phone, she'll call you, Winston, and you can tell her that I just saw her messages and I'm on my way to pick her up, because I'm sure she'll be panicking," Nick said, chuckling softly. Winston still looked concerned, and there was an awkward silence. Raising a brow, Nick gestured to him.
"What's up, man? What's the problem?"
"Oh, no, I'm sure it'll be fine," Winston said slowly. "I'm sure a panicked, terrified Jess in her rickety old car, swerving around on incredibly slippery roads during a thunderstorm- at night- will turn out just fine," Winston emphasized his words for more sarcastic effect, and he watched his friend's facial expression change.
Nick blinked, the words sinking in. A second later, he was a flurry of motion- jumping to his feet, charging to the counter to grab his keys, nearly sprinting out the front door just as Winston answered his phone.
"Jess? Yeah, Nick just saw that you tried to call him. He's coming to get you."
This is it. I'm going to die. This is that horror movie, dying moment. I hope I don't die a messy, slow death. Quick and clean, that's how I want to go.
Oh god, who is going to run the handbell group while I'm dead? Who's going to teach my class? Who's going to break it to Abigail Williams that dotting her i's with smiley faces is fun, but she'll have to stop eventually because society says it's not professional?
"There's so much I wanted to do with my life!" she cried, new tears springing to her eyes. She heard Winston sigh.
"Jess, you'll be fine. Stop ranting to me over the phone how you never got a chance to rescue a puppy from the pound, and wait for Nick to get there. You'll be fine. You're not going to die."
"Easy for you to say! You're not alone out here with a killer lurking in the bushes!"
"I'm hanging up now, Jess. Just calm down and wait for Nick."
Jess let out a whimper of frustration as the call ended. She pocketed her phone, crossing her arms protectively over her chest. Her eyes kept darting to and fro, scampering across her environment in an attempt to scan all possible places where a murderer would hide. Her car was behind her, still running in case she needed to make a quick exit.
They say that when you feel you are close to death, your whole life flashes before your eyes. Well, Jess didn't want to take forever reliving her entire life, so she just replayed the last few hours minutes in her head.
Cece had called her over for a girl's movie night. Elated, Jess came over as soon as possible, a bag of popcorn and a copy of Serendipity in hand.
"No, no, not again," Cece had said, yanking the movie from Jess' hands and tossing it onto the far chair. Jess pouted as she plopped herself down on Cece's couch.
"Kate Beckingsale is one of my favorites, you know that. She has the face of an angel."
"No, tonight we are watching something I picked out." Cece picked up the DVD in question off the counter and revealed it: One Missed Call.
"What? That looks dumb."
"No, it looks scary."
"That's what I said."
"Oh come on, Jess, give it a chance. You never let me choose the movie."
"And this is why!"
"Please? It won't be that bad, I promise."
"Ugh, fine."
Eighty-seven minutes later, and it had been that bad. Jess had a large pillow in front of her face, and she was pretty sure she was scarred for life. The plot was completely implausible and the acting was hardly convincing, but nevertheless the horrifying images were ingrained in Jess' brain.
"Alright, time for bed!" Cece suggested cheerfully, jumping up and gesturing for her to leave. Jess stared up at her incredulously.
"Are you kidding? I'm not going to be able to blink for weeks, let alone sleep."
"Aw, you're fine. Besides, I'm exhausted." Cece yawned dramatically while she grabbed Jess' wrist and hauled her to her feet. "Got a big photoshoot tomorrow, I have to get my beauty sleep."
"Alright, alright! Stop herding me out the door. I feel like a confused sheep and you're the over-excitable sheepdog."
"Good night, Jess! If you need anything else tonight, don't try calling me because I lost my phone." Cece said in a rush, giving Jess one final push and shutting the door promptly in her face.
She scratched her head, befuddled at Cece's odd behavior. It seemed like she wanted to get her out of the way, or something. Maybe Schmidt was coming over for some late-night sexcapades and Cece wanted her gone? Jess frowned at this theory; she had thought their communication about the Schmidt-uation (as Schmidt preferred it to be called, even when they discussed it when he wasn't there) had been improving.
Disgruntled, she walked out to her car and started it, wondering if Nick would be awake when she got back. He was usually good to talk to when she had something on her mind. She checked her watch and allowed herself to feel hopeful. It was late, but not excessively so. Nick and Winston often stayed up until now watching The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.
She was about a fourth of the way back when she heard it.
If you have ever seen the movie One Missed Call, you know that the entire premise revolves around this extremely creepy ringtone that plays right before a character dies in an absolutely terrifying way. You can imagine, then, that the very sound of the ringtone would elicit fear in most sensible people.
Well, Jess had her CD player on, and in the middle of a Death Cab for Cutie song, she heard it.
She managed to chalk it up to her overactive imagination, at first. But then it played again. Paranoid but not panicking yet, she turned down the song completely.
And there it was, the signature ringtone chiming clear as day. Right. Behind. Her.
Naturally, she began screaming.
She immediately lost control of her ability to rationally function. All she knew was that she had to get out of the haunted car now, or else she was dead for sure. Fortunately, she was on a barren street, and her erratic movements on the road did not result in collision. Instead, she finally directed herself to the side, turning on her hazard lights and braking. In her frenzied state, she almost forgot to put the car in park before she leapt from the vehicle like it was on fire.
She called Nick six times before she accepted the fact that he was clearly content with letting her die. So she tried calling Winston, assuming Schmidt was at Cece's.
And here she was. Waiting in the rain for Nick to come save her. Waiting for a killer to spring from the shrubbery.
In an attempt to make the first option happen faster, she persisting in calling Nick's cell phone. Hearing his voice would settle her nerves. As the phone rang, the ringtone started again. She began pacing around her car, biting her lip and resisting the urge to sprint in a random direction until she reached a police station or a fire station or maybe an all-night diner. Anywhere that offered some sort of safe haven.
Something caught her eye. She turned. And suddenly, she stopped cold.
Nick's cell phone was there, in the back of her car. It was partially under the driver's seat, but she could see her name in bold letters, illuminating a cell phone screen.
She looked to her phone, then to Nick's. When the call went to voicemail, the light changed accordingly on Nick's screen, and the sound of the ghostly ringtone ended.
If someone was passing by at the time, they might have even heard the sound of the mental cogs in Jess' mind click into place all at once.
Naturally, she screamed. Out of anger this time.
"Nick Miller, you…..you….douchebag! I'm going to KILL you!" she shouted at the top of her lungs, punching the air and stomping, mostly to spend some of the nervous energy she had built up, but also to imagine herself inflicting the damage on Nick. "You JERK!" she continued to yell. "You horrible, awful, TERRIBLE person!"
After some more shrieks of fury, she ceased, panting heavily and just staring at her car. She tried to clear her head, to calm herself down. When Nick got there, she wanted to be coherent while she gave him a piece of her mind.
Then, she smiled. A wide, devilish smile. The smile of a true prankster.
Halfway there, Nick wished he had his phone. He had a pretty good idea which route Jess would take on her way back from Cece's, but he was still having a hell of a time finding her. He was considering calling her name out of the window when he finally spotted her car's headlights flashing at him from the side of the road. He did not see Jess' figure, but it was dark. He probably needed to get closer.
He pulled over, parked. When he still didn't see Jess as he approached her car, the gnawing feeling of worry in his chest grew.
"Jess?" he said, speaking to the darkness. Walking around, he checked by the bushes and even under the car. The area was fairly empty besides those two things, save for a couple of trees that were yards away. He kept searching, completely drenched in rainwater already.
No Jess. Nothing.
The gnawing feeling was exploding now, in enormous spurts. It was like there was a blazing fireworks display going on right under his ribcage, splattering anxiety all throughout his body. Was she alright? What if she had gotten hurt in her hurry to get off the road? What if someone else had picked her up? Like a crazy axe-murderer?
This was all his fault.
"Where are you?" he yelled, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Jess? It's just a prank, ok? I downloaded the ringtone yesterday so it would play when anyone called me and I tossed my phone into the back of your car. I paid Cece thirty bucks and gave her a case of wine from the bar so she would set you up with the movie. I even checked to make sure it was storming today. God, I'm such a tool. Jess! If you can hear me, it's just a prank! I'm a tool! I'm sorry! I'm calling a prank truce, ok? I took it too far!"
His voice was faltering, so he took a moment to regain himself. Waves of guilt and nausea were continuously sweeping through him, and he didn't know whether he wanted to cry or throw up.
And then, right when he was wondering how quickly he could get a search helicopter over there-
"Boo!"
Now, it would be debated for months on end how Nick reacted to Jess jumping in front of him. Jess, having picked the precise time to run from the tree she had been hiding behind, crept behind him, stealthily stepping so she could maximize the effect of surprise. Jess would insist that Nick both screamed like a little girl and peed his pants when she startled him, while Nick maintains that he merely jumped bit, that's all. How he first reacted was not quite important, anyway.
His second reaction was much more significant, although neither Nick nor Jess would ever talk about it to the others.
After the space of time that it took Nick to scream or pee or jump, he rushed forward. He wrapped his arms around Jess firmly, as if she was bound to disappear at any moment.
"You're ok," he whispered breathlessly, relief almost making him dizzy. Thrown off guard, Jess was rigid for a second before molding into his embrace, hugging him back.
"I wasn't in any danger, Nick. I just wanted to get you back for that stupid prank," she told him, rubbing his back. He released her, taking a step back. He seemed intent on steadily switching his gaze from her eyes to his feet.
"Yeah, well, that wasn't cool. I was really worried. Winston made it sound like you were going to get into some accident, and then I showed up and you weren't here, and…just…that wasn't ok. I was really freaked out. You could have been…you know...hurt."
With a shrug, he turned away. Jess simply stood there, lifting her arms just an inch, as if to reach for him. She hesitated.
"I'm sorry, Nick. I didn't realize…" she trailed off. "I didn't mean to make you worried. I just wanted to get back at you. Your prank wasn't cool, either."
He looked up at her.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I guess I got a little carried away."
"Me too. Prank truce?" Jess held out her hand, smiling. Nick's expression brightened as well, and he grasped her hand.
"Truce."
"General Day thinks this truce should be solidified with a peace offering of some kind."
"Oh yeah? General Nick may be willing to purchase some peaceful cookie dough ice cream on the way back to headquarters."
"General Day agrees with this plan of action. If only all wars could be settled so deliciously."
"If only."
Of course, the truce went to hell once they returned to the loft, and their individual retellings of the story began to conflict. Peace, much like the cookie dough ice cream, is a sweet but oftentimes temporary thing.
end.
Author's Note: Hey everyone! Happy weekend! Hope you all like this. I want to make it at least a three-part series of sorts. I like the idea of Nick and Jess trying to out-prank each other. Just to let you all know, that prank Nick did to Jess at the end was something that a friend did to me. He made me watch One Missed Call, then threw his phone into my car and was calling it while I was driving home from his house. I was convinced I was gonna die and pulled over, frantically calling my friend, not knowing I was setting off the creepy ringtone myself. I finally figured it out, and I made my friend come get me and yelled at him for so long, calling him a lot of colorful words. It had been SO scary. I figured the story would be interesting to retell with Nick and Jess. I also slipped on a blanket when I had been trying to scare some of my friends after a scary movie. So I pulled from life experience quite a bit with this one. Hope you all enjoy it!