So I realize I totally suck and hardly ever update anything, but I promise I will one day. Anyways, thanks Bree for always pushing me to write fic, and thank you Dee for your help! You're amazing! I totally owe you. Anyways, if this isn't entirely coherent, blame the influenza. I've been writing in between naps and headaches. And wine... but that's a given.
Disclaimer: I don't own em. Blah Blah Blah.
Ed nodded to Cole and clutched the glass of bourbon in his hand before glancing around the room. God, he really hated the politics within the NYPD. Though proud of his rank of Captain, he couldn't fully grasp how he'd managed to play the game for so long. He hadn't been lying to Olivia when he mentioned slowing down, retiring even, stopping to smell the flowers. He was claustrophobic, his career choking the life out of him. After he'd walked away from Olivia Benson, he'd lost his way. Rather than burying that part of his life behind him, he dove into work, creating a new version of himself much like the old, but sad instead of angry. He missed them.
He wondered how she was doing. The ever-present gossips within the force had let it slip that she had a tough case recently, as if her cases were regularly simple and unemotional. Still, if people had been talking about it enough for it to get back to her ex, he figured it must have been a really bad one. There were so many times that he'd wanted to reach out again, just for a simple glimpse into what their life had been.
The last time he had worn the suit his body was currently occupied in, he'd had a ring in his pocket, a thought that didn't escape his notice. His breath slipped, gasping at the notion that he was so close to having it all. Now he was alone for good. People told him to go out and move on, but he was ruined. Ed did not want anyone else but Olivia. Her lips on his, her skin beneath his fingertips, her heart... He loved her more than he'd ever thought possible to love another human being.
So far he'd stayed hidden by the bar, cursing the idea he was supposed to socialize with other members of the NYPD when he'd much prefer jeans and a dive bar far, far away from colleagues. Her laugh dragged him from his mind and his spot against the bar. As much as Ed wanted to stay firmly rooted in place, he couldn't stop himself from slowly moving to the other side of the room.
There she was.
Radiant.
Beautiful as ever.
Olivia turned just slightly in her knee length black dress, her eyes immediately finding his and searching. Neither wanted this moment, yet craved the immediate presence of the other person. She met him in the middle, offering a polite hello to those around him as he did the same. They stood together, falling like leaves in the middle of autumn, but standing perfectly still. Their feelings were still there as if Ed had never brought up slowing down together or retirement, as if Olivia hadn't let her fears get the best of her, as if he'd never kissed her forehead and walked out of her door, and consequently, her life. Instead they stood, silently together but falling deeper than before, in regret, in sadness, in love.
It was the pain that propelled Ed forward, moving him from his self-induced misery into something completely different. He wouldn't waste his time feeling sorry for himself when he could just enjoy her company for a little bit.
"Olivia, how, uh, how are things?" He forced his hands into his pockets in attempt to curb the nervous energy.
She smiled briefly, not a real one but just enough to let him know she felt the same as he did.
"I'm fine. Busy with the squad and Noah. I can't believe he's already in school." He watched her brown eyes light up as she talked about her son. Ed couldn't fathom how Liv ever questioned her mothering abilities when everyone could clearly see that she adored Noah. "He thinks he wants to play soccer." She couldn't help but roll her eyes at that last bit, knowing how much she hated the sport herself.
"He like it?" his voice rasped.
"Of course he does." God, she's gorgeous.
Ed grinned.
"You always did encourage that sport above others, didn't you?" she laughed.
"Good news is that it's getting colder, so you won't be spending much more time on soccer this year."
Liv spoke softly, "It goes by so fast."
His simple nod in agreement was all that was needed.
"Well I'm glad you guys are doing well, Liv. You deserve the best. Always have. " Ed gently squeezed her arm, then tucked his chin down and began walking away before she could respond. He lived for those small moments now, the fractions of time where he'd see her smile, but those same moments ripped at the already seeping hole in his chest. Soon there would be nothing left.
By the time the evening had ended, neither had spent more time together. Ed had his gift for Noah in his car to be given to Liv, figuring it would make things less awkward. Looking around at the emptying room, he figured he would just manage. Chances are she had Lucy watching Noah tonight so if he waited a couple hours and then went to her place, it'd be fine. Noah would be asleep, so no dramatics there, Liv would thank him for the gift, and he'd be on his way.
The next hour was spent at Ed's favorite bar. He wasn't ready to face the empty apartment yet today, so he sat in his booth, fading red that had seen better days, and held his glass of bourbon, rarely touching it. A game played on the tv screen that he casually watched, but mostly just sat and thought about how it felt to be in a room with her again. Olivia's presence always had been utterly intoxicating.
Ed could faintly hear the seemingly hushed conversations and laughter around him. There weren't many patrons in the place, part of the reason he'd dubbed it as his favorite. There were the regulars and occasionally a haggard traveler or two, but that's it. He blended into the background, just as every other person did. Here, nobody knew him as a cob, the IAB rat, a broken-hearted man, or anyone else for that matter. He just was. And that in itself was more than enough for Ed Tucker.
A few miles away, Olivia stood perched against the bar. Sure, she could have sat down on the newer bar stool, but she enjoyed the attention coming her way from standing. She wasn't an idiot. She knew about the eyes roaming her curvy figure, raking up her legs and taking in her overall appearance. Every now and then she just wanted to feel sexy. There hadn't been anyone since Ed, and while she was a grown woman who could take care of herself, he still needed to ego boost at times. She smirked into her glass of Nero d'Avola.
To her left, a ruggedly handsome man sat at the bar, not hiding his appreciation for her figure. He smiled at her and slightly lifted his beer. His dimples captured her interest, but deep down she was still thinking about Ed. Still, she considered what it would be like to walk over to the handsome stranger, to sit down and talk, or to go home with him. Long gone were the days of casual sex; her job and her son had changed that, but the idea was still a fun little fantasy.
Looking down at her phone, she realized she'd been in that bar for nearly an hour. Rather than engaging with Mr. Fantasy, she downed the rest of her wine and walked toward the door. She smiled again knowing at least one pair of eyes was following her; Yeah, she's still got it.
Ed went back and forth before finally pressing the buzzer to her apartment. It wasn't too late, but it was late enough that Noah was hopefully sleeping deep enough to not wake up from the noise. Once that boy was out, it took a lot to wake him up, something Ed was counting on. He wanted to give Olivia Noah's gift, but he would never forgive himself if the boy saw him and began asking questions. It wasn't fair to any of them.
"Hello?"
"Hey Liv. It's uh, it's Ed," he stammered awkwardly, shifting with his hands in his pants pockets.
"Oh." What the hell? "Sure, come on up."
He couldn't even begin to describe the relief he felt when she buzzed him up to the apartment. At least she didn't turn him away.
When she opened the door, he wasn't expecting her to be standing before him just as she was at the party earlier. Even her shoes remained, clicking against the floor when she walked back to her tea, leaving the door open for him to follow. She was absolutely breathtaking.
"So, what can I do for you?" she asked, before thinking about the implications of her statement and blushing.
He laughed lightly in response, knowing exactly what she was thinking, remembering the times she'd ask him the very same question before leading him to her bedroom.
"I know Noah's birthday is coming up and I'd already bought his present so," he motioned to the bag in his hand.
"Ed we've been...it's been months. You've had this for that long?" Though her words seemed disbelieving he saw the twinkle in her eye, the part of her that lit up anytime she thought about her son.
He took a breath before continuing, "Well I know his interests change quickly, but he's always loved police gear so… yeah." He scratched the back of his head and shrugged shyly. "I uh, I didn't want to wake him so I figured I'd wait for a bit to stop by. Did you just get in?" He looked her up and down again, appreciating her appearance, but wondering why she hadn't changed yet. Usually, the shoes were off immediately after walking in the door.
"I did. I figured a drink wouldn't hurt since Noah is with Jesse and Amanda tonight."
"Oh, well I didn't mean to interrupt, I just, well I wanted to give you his gift."
"You want to stay for a bit? Have some tea?" she worried her bottom lip.
He was ready to say he should go. It was a bad idea to say. He'd only end up with more heartache. The words were on the tip of his tongue but with one look at her, he caved. "Sure."
Olivia quickly made Ed some tea after his reassurances that he was okay with tea, rather than bourbon. He'd had enough. The pair found their old familiarity and comfort on the couch watching reruns of old shows and laughing. She'd missed him and he'd missed her. Their friendship had precluded their relationship, and being together for the night had shown each of them how much had been lost.
She asked about his job, and he hers. They'd discussed Noah, of course, and laughed hysterically at some of the things that kid said. He was too smart for his own good at times. When Ed finally decided to call it a night, they were still talking about Noah.
"Yeah, so he looks at me so seriously," she laughed, "and goes, 'Mommy, Uncle Sonny told me I can't keep making that face or I'll end up with face wrinklies like Uncle Raf. I don't want wrinklies, Mommy!' The poor kid looked petrified. Oh my gosh, I was trying so hard not to laugh, because of course, Rafael was right there."
She walked over to the door, reaching behind her for the nob while she continued to face Ed.
"Scowling like usual?" They both laughed as Ed made his way toward her. He'd had a good time with her. His gaze landed near the bookshelf, seeing an elephant that he hadn't recognized, but a police hat and badge clothed the stuffed animal.
"That's new," he nodded in the direction of the elephant.
"That's Eddie," she smiled softly in response. "Noah's favorite."
"Ah."
"Yeah, he uh, he misses you, ya know." Ed shifted slightly closer and Liv tried her best not to let his presence affect her.
"I miss him too, Liv. I miss both of you." Instead of choking up, his voice just got raspier, quieter in the end.
She could feel his warm breath on her lips, the intoxicating scent of bourbon and Ed standing before her permeating her every thought. Her body ached for him. He was standing so close to her; if she moved just an inch her lips would be on his. Instead, she found her eyes fluttering closed while she took in the sound of their almost panting breaths, perfectly in sync. Though unable to form a single coherent new thought, Olivia's mind flashed back to all the times they'd been in a similar position. She can't remember ever wanting Ed Tucker so much, not even the first time they'd had sex, but here she was, leaning against the wall in her apartment with him almost hovering over her, and she craved every inch of him.
Finally opening her eyes, she looked down at his slightly parted lips and licked her own unconsciously. She felt his slight movements as his arms found the wall next to her head on either side, his body finally grazing her own. Ed had rolled his sleeves up at some point and she couldn't help but wonder why she hadn't noticed before; his muscles rippled beneath the fabric while she remembered all the times he'd held her with those arms.
"Ed," she whispered breathily, her eyes finally meeting his with her heated gaze.
That was it. She caved.
While one arm snaked around his lower back, her other grasped the front of his shirt tightly and pulled him to her lips. Their kiss wasn't slow or loving. It was fire ignited, an explosion of rage and regret at their choices, insatiable hunger for each other. Ed felt his tie being expertly removed in a haste while his left hand tangled in her loosely tousled waves, pulling her head back just enough to move deeper into her mouth to explore what he thought he'd never taste again. The moan barely registered to Olivia, but only served to fuel his fervor.
He was hard already, his erection pressing against her body a constant reminder of what she'd been missing since they'd broken up. Since she let him walk away. Despite the exciting possibility of fucking her against the wall, Ed moved his hands lower and she immediately understood, wrapping her legs around him, her red-bottomed heels digging into his ass, while he carried her to the bedroom.
Olivia's mouth found every inch of bare skin, nipping and kissing it during quick trip, but Ed tried to stay focused on getting her to bed.
His tie had been removed by the door, but his belt had been deposited somewhere else during the journey, not that he cared. The normally particular Ed Tucker didn't even care when she marked his skin as hers with her mouth, just below the collar of his now half-buttoned shirt.
"Fuck Liv," he groaned as she soothed the mark with her tongue, then peppered his chest with kisses.
His hands were suddenly everywhere on her body, his fingertips biting into her flesh, a far cry from the reverent way he'd worshipped her body the first time they'd had sex.
Olivia was unceremoniously deposited onto the mattress, but she held onto Ed making sure he followed her body down. He tried to shift slightly so he wasn't crushing her, but Liv wasn't having it. Instead, she pulled him closer and captured his lips with hers, parting them with her tongue.
Fuck he feels so good on top of me.
Her legs wrapped around his upper thighs as she moved beneath him, against him in the most sensual of ways, pressing her body against his. Somewhere along the way, her zipper had been lowered just enough for him to rip her dress down and expose her chest. Her breaths caused her chest to rise and fall with fervor, her lacy black Lise Charmel push up a perfect temptation. Ed's focus was on her pleasure, and as he bent down toward her breasts, Olivia almost screamed with want. With need.
Their bodies responded to each other in the best of ways, but her hooded brown eyes full of longing spurred him forward. Olivia let out a brief whimper when she finally felt Ed's mouth against her skin, his rough hands pulling her bra down enough to expose her nipples. He wasn't messing around. He'd missed her in every way, but the opportunity afforded him in that moment was not going to be wasted. While one hand swept across a nipple, his mouth found the other; affording both breasts ample attention, he switched. Her breasts had always been sensitive, but they were even more so now.
Olivia snaked her hands down between them, quickly finding the remaining buttons on Ed's shirt and undoing them in record time. As he continued to pleasure her, she ripped the shirt off his body and her hands found their place, one around the back of his neck and the other scratching down his muscular back. Ed made a noise akin to purring when her nails found his skin, leaving red marks down his back.
"Ed," she moaned breathily. "I need you."
His mouth trailed from her nipples to her neck before he gently nipped at the spot that made her squirm. He didn't expect the move, but Liv reversed their positions within seconds. She straddled his waist and bent down to continue her assault on his lips while Ed reached around and dragged the zipper all the way down. Olivia stopped, only to pull the dress off and toss it somewhere across the room. Ed practically ripped the expensive lace material from her chest as soon as the dress was removed. He craved her body and nothing was getting in his way now.
Liv sat up, rocking her hips back and forth across his erection.
"I'm not gonna last long if you keep that up," he rasped before capturing her mouth with his once again. It was like he couldn't breathe without her. He wanted to drink her in and never let her go, but she pulled away before smirking at him. Lowering herself on his legs, he removed his trousers and moved them down his legs. He kicked them the rest of the way off while she regained her dominate position on top of him, but this time she was kissing from just above his boxers up his chest. Knowing she lived for all the foreplay, he didn't stop her. Instead, he tried to focus on anything and everything that would keep him from embarrassing himself. She wasn't even touching him yet, not really, but he was ready to burst.
Since she was busy with her torturously slow plans, Ed saw his chance and took it. He flipped them back over and moved his mouth down her body. He kissed the black lace that barely hid her folds and she unconsciously spread her legs a little wider, inviting him in. Licking over the mound once more, he carefully but expertly removed the scrap of material. Deciding he didn't have time to undo the buckle on her shoes, he let them be for now.
Fuck she's so beautiful.
Removing his boxers, he crawled up her body once more. His hands gently caressed the outside of her thighs, causing her to shiver with desire. Her wanton eyes a slight smile set him in motion. He attacked her mouth with his and swept his tongue against hers while a hand tangled in her hair.
"Ed," she whispered against his lips, "Fuck me. Please."
That was all the invitation he needed and he immediately lined himself up before swiftly entering her. Olivia tilted her head backward and was back to raking a hand down his delicious backside. Ed grasped her other hand in his and dragged them above her. They quickly found a rhythm as if no time had passed between them. This they were good at. This was never the problem. The commitment and the promises, the trust or lack thereof on Olivia's part, the complicated reality was the problem. But this? The sex and the physical intimacy between the two? That was in top form, just as it had been when they were together.
Liv wasn't quiet this time. She moaned and whimpered in between all the Oh Eds and the Fuck yeses. Ed, on the other hand, barely made a sound aside from the grunting. If he let himself stop and think about how his was in Olivia's bed, how he was inside of Olivia again, he'd lose it. He still loved her so much, and yet they were apart. Deep down, he knew this was a horrible idea. She wasn't going to change her mind and suddenly get over her fears. She'd been too damaged, too struck down by life over the years. As much as he loved her and wanted her, he couldn't change her. He couldn't fix her. He couldn't mend her fears and stop the never-ending thoughts that plagued her psyche. As much as he wished he was, he couldn't be enough for her, because he simply wasn't. If she wanted things to really change, she'd have to do that for herself. Nobody else could do it for her.
Her body clenched around him bringing him from his thoughts and back into the moment with her. Ed slowed down, but each thrust was gentle and deep. She grasped his biceps, digging her nails into his skin as she cried out in ecstasy.
"Eddddd. Yes. Fuck yes, right there. Ohmygod don't stop. Please god don't stop." Her heels dug into his ass as he found that stop that made her scream. Though he knew he'd have bruises, scratches, and marks all over him the next day, he didn't care. He didn't stop simply because she didn't want him to. She wanted him and he was determined to give her all he could before reality slapped them in the face.
As she calmed down, he reached behind him, slowly unbuckling each shoe and removing them. He pulled out of her gently, still painfully hard, and moved back so he could set her expensive shoes on the floor easily. Rather than taking his place inside her again, he grasped her leg and kissed from her foot up the inside of her thigh before repeating the process with the other. Olivia's body was still trembling from her orgasm, and she begged him to come back to her.
"Oh fuck Ed. Please, I want you inside me again." While she wasn't usually one to use profanity in everyday life, Olivia Margaret Benson had a filthy mouth in bed, and Ed loved it. She knew exactly what she wanted and she wasn't afraid to ask for or demand it.
He tried not to chuckle, but couldn't help it.
"Impatient, aren't ya?" he replied through the laughter, but followed her lead. He was once again buried inside her, though this time he was going slower. His muscular arms rippled beside her head, holding him up as he thrust into her each time, but she didn't want that. She needed him against her. She needed him to be hard and rough, carnal and animalistic.
As Ed looked up directly into her beautiful brown eyes that held his gaze with a hungry fire, he knew exactly what she wanted. She rarely gave him that exact look, but it had happened before and usually resulted in the best sex they'd had.
Not quite willing to give into her yet, he reached down between them and found her clit, lightly brushing his rough hand across it making her gasp. It only took seconds more for her to find her ultimate pleasure once again, a feat that was not lost on either of them. They both knew that the next time she came, he would too, and they were both ready.
After riding out her orgasm, Olivia turned over onto her stomach before raising up to her knees. Tucker's hand wound its way around her abdomen, both holding her up and possessing her body as his. For once, Olivia actually didn't mind. He could be as possessive as he liked if it meant they were really like this, that this was really happening and not just some cruel dream that she'd wake up from in the morning. She desperately needed their night to be real.
His mouth fell to her shoulder, and after moving her hair out of the way, he tasted her salty skin. A trail of gently placed kisses added to her eagerness. Her head fell back onto his chest and Ed instantly nipped at the spot beneath her ear before turning her head toward him for a quick peck. Liv fought to keep her breathing steady as his fingers crept down her stomach toward her center. As much as she needed him to finish what he started, she wasn't ready for their night to be over. Still, she leaned slightly forward, his hands rapidly interlacing with hers to gain the leverage he needed to fuck her senseless. His chest was pressed firmly against her back, sweat the only obstacle between them. There was no room for air anymore. With that, Liv wiggled against him, desperate to feel him once more.
"Oh," she gasped, feeling him enter her again. This time, his pace was demanding and needy; he wasn't wasting time. He moved her legs apart with his own, almost folding himself into her body. His movements hit into her perfectly, not allowing for anything other than sheer pleasure to radiate from Olivia. Ed tried to ignore the way she felt around him, warm and snug, a clichéd perfect fit.
Needing to feel all of him, she bucked against him, trying to take him deeper and deeper. Following her lead, Ed's thrusts were harder and deeper, demanding in a way that told them both she'd have bruises on her hips and likely other places the next day. Neither cared. They needed this closeness, this intimacy.
"Please Ed. I need more," her voice somewhere between a growl and a whimper.
"O-livia, shit," he groaned into her sticky hair. Sweat had caused her locks to stick to her skin, and his, whenever they moved a certain way. Ed's mouth found her bare neck and suckled at it, knowing he was leaving a mark but also knowing how much that turned her on. Her muscles quivered beneath his touch, so Tucker thrusted harder. He knew in just a minute it would be over. Rather than give into what she wanted, he pulled out entirely before slamming back into her, his hips against her perfect ass with a slap.
"Fuck Ed!"
"Christ Liv."
"Ohmygod I, oh fuh," she lost her breath just as Ed lost himself inside her body for the lasts time. Her legs trembled so much that she couldn't remain on her knees, and Ed let her down gently, finally relenting a little, pulling back so that there was the tiniest hint of space between them, though he remained inside. Olivia felt the spasms from him as he emptied inside her, each with a little less intensity. Her body refused to give him up, so he stayed, slightly shifting them so they were on their sides.
Time passed, but neither moved. Tucker was lost in his own thoughts as he began playing with her hair.
God she missed this.
As rough around the edges as Ed Tucker could be, deep down he was a gentle soul. Life had shaped him haphazardly, the edges becoming sharp and gruff. With Olivia, though, he was more gentle than the soft breeze in the summer. While he probably didn't even notice, he always played with her locks, something that often relaxed her enough into a deep slumber.
Now she could finally breathe. Ed's protective arms wrapped around her, his legs tangled with hers in the sheets, his soft pats of breath against her skin all whispered an unspoken promise: safety and love. For that night, it didn't matter that Olivia had broken his heart. It didn't matter that she was stuck, unable to move on because she did love him, she just didn't know how to let her commitment win rather than her fears. None of it mattered except the way his body felt against hers, the way their breathing aligned.
He didn't want to move. Wishing he could stay, pleading with the god he didn't even believe in, he begged for their reality to be different. He needed them and he missed them. His family. He remembers the one time Noah had called him dad, just a slight slip of the tongue when they'd been playing, holding the small boy above his head and Noah was laughing hysterically.
No! Daddy, daddy, put me down! He'd giggled.
Ed had never told Olivia. He hadn't wanted her to freak out, and besides, it had never happened again, but he held onto that moment. A stray tear slipped down his cheek and he knew it was time to go.
Carefully maneuvering around, he removed his arms from around Olivia's exhausted body, his legs untangling from hers. He paused before moving to find his clothes that had been scattered about the apartment.
Tucker bent down quietly, lightly whispering, "I'll always love you Olivia Margaret Benson. Take care," before kissing her forehead and sweeping a stray hair back into place. With that, he turned to leave and didn't look back.
For once, the sunlight filtering in through the partially opened blinds woke Olivia, rather than the blaring chirp of her cell phone or Noah's soft voice. The soreness between her legs quickly reminded her that last night hadn't been a dream; Ed had come over. And he'd made her come over and over… but now the other side of the bed was empty and the sheets cold, a stark difference from the night before.
She sighed, sitting up while pulling the sheets up to cover her chest, suddenly modest in her empty apartment. The tears formed in her eyes with a bitter sting as she tried unsuccessfully to stop them from falling. He'd been there. In her apartment. In her bed.
And she'd let him walk out the door again.
Maybe one day she'd figure out a way to let him in, wholly and completely, trusting him to not leave, but more importantly, trusting herself to stay. For now, though, their night had been a goodbye of sorts. An unexpected but needed ending, a pause, a night for the two of them to revel in what could have been and what should have been. She wished he would've stayed, though she knows why he couldn't, but she can't help but think that maybe she could have this, have him, just once more.
So... review?