AN: i havent posted anything on here in decades because i've been using Ao3 whoops. All I'll post on here anymore will probably be major fics that will all probably be falsettos like this one. More one shots + everything on here on Ao3. Yup.

Mendel sat on his stool in shop class, staring at a lump that probably should have been a birdhouse. It was not a birdhouse. It was strictly inhabitable for any living species. Unless it was a species that was made to die. So in theory, it was entirely habitable. Because everything died. The Circle of Life. Aaaaa sabemnyaaaaaaa….

Mendel groaned and rubbed his eyes. He always got philosophical when he was sad and tired.

He was pretty much always philosophical.

It was 2:15 on a Friday afternoon and Mendel's birdhouse was not getting any better, so he obeyed the call of his eye bags and collapsed down on his table, prepared to nap through the rest of the hour.

His nap was rudely interrupted by some unmistakable footsteps. Ugh. Shit.

"Mhsthr."

"What was that?"

Unwillingly, Mendel set his chin on his arms and faced the pink nightmare before him. "Whizzer."

"Yes, 'tis I, your gay woodshop fairy."

"Thank god, I thought I was going to have to sweep up the splinters and shavings instead of going to the ball. What do you actually want? I have very important matters to attend to." Lazily, Mendel gestured to the table and folded his hands beneath his head as a makeshift pillow.

"I see you are very busy."

"Yup."

"Would you be just as busy if I told you that I had a proposition?"

Mendel took a moment to consider this. Between micro-sleeps, he managed to give Whizzer a pointed look and reply. "Yeah, probably."

Sighing, Whizzer lowered himself to Mendel's eye level, propping his face up in his hands. "Look. I know some things."

"Really?"

The venom in Whizzer's eye roll would have made Mendel cringe if he had been in a clearer state of consciousness. "This is serious, sweater-vest boy. Shut up for one moment in your sheltered life. I know that you like Trina. That you like-like her."

Mendel was awake now. "Trina? Who's that? I don't know a Trina, what are you talking about? Ha, ha, you must be joking."

"Don't be an idiot. You like Trina. And I like Marvin. Two halves of a power couple that together, we have the strength to rip apart."

"This is getting remarkably violent and I don't know if I'm okay with that." Mendel stood, preparing to get the heck out of this conversation, but Whizzer grabbed him before he could make his escape. Whizzer had a strong grip. Mendel sat down.

"Grow a pair. Do you want to canoodle with the buttons to your sweater or not? I already have a plan. I just need you to… be present, basically, and it will all work out. Everyone's happy. You go where I tell you to go, and it will work out. I'll even give you my clock. You can maintain your GPA and still get your eighth hour snooze in."

Mendel paused for a moment. "We were making clocks?"

"Oh. My god. Are you actually for real? I'll even give you an Old Navy gift card if you listen to me for two more minutes. I just need you to sign up to sell concessions with Trina during the Homecoming game on Friday. That's literally it. Can you do it?"

"Why would I-"

"I already signed you up, so you're doing it. Well, technically someone was signed up before, but I erased them. Do you have transportation or do I need to drive you, too?"

"Uh, no. No, I can drive."

"Good, I was worried." Mendel only realized that Whizzer had been gripping his shoulders the whole time when he finally let go and patted him on the back. "Good talk. I'll see you around."

Mendel still was having difficulties processing what just happened. He didn't have time to reply.

Sometime after Mendel fell asleep, but before class ended, his phone buzzed. It was Whizzer. Get your girl, he'd said.

Mendel didn't even know how Whizzer had gotten his number, and at this point, he didn't want to. He took another four minute nap before the bell rang, and threw his lump in the trash before he went to his locker.

He was partially convinced he had dreamed the whole thing with Whizzer, but then he looked at his phone and saw the text. Shit. This is a thing.

But maybe he'd actually get a date out of it.

It was worth a shot.