TG: he's going to kill you
EB: my death'll be worth it to be able to pull off a prank like this
EG: it'll be hilarious
TG: I wouldn't use the term' hilarious' in the situation egderp
EB: what would you call it then
TG: stupid
TG: waste of time
TG: idiotic
TG: a fucking suicide mission
EB: you just don't understand dave! a prank of this magnitude is just too over your head
Stupid Dave. He just doesn't understand. You are a pranking king, no, a pranking God. And as a God you have a duty. You're filled with an overwhelming sense of determination right about now. You look back down at your phone to see Dave had left you another message.
TG: okay senor jackass, as much as I would love to watch your shitty idea of humor that will obviously end in your downfall, I gotta go
TG: try to not die within the next 24 hours
You roll your eyes and put your phone on sleep. You have no time for your best friend to be a naysayer, you have a boyfriend to prank. Said boyfriend is currently on the couch in the living room huddled in a comforter and watching a movie. Judging how Katherine Heigl just slapped James Marsden, you can guess it's 27 dresses. It's a good movie, but now is not the time for romcoms; it's time for phase one, obtaining materials.
You skip merrily over to Karkat and flop down next to him.
"How's the movie so far?-"
"Sh." Karkat cuts you off without missing a beat from his movie.
"What's coming on next?-"
"Shh!'
"Hey, I'm asking you important questions here-"
"John will you shut up already?" You cross your arms.
"But Karkat you've seen this movie like a gajillion times!" He finally turns to you, his ever present scowl resting on his face.
"First of all dipshit, 'gagjillion' isn't a fucking number so shut your mouth. Second it doesn't matter how many times I see this movie or any other movies I like, you have at least an ounce of fucking common sense and dignity to keep your stupidity from becoming audible and molesting my eardrums with it while I'm enjoying what's on; so shut your mouth!"
"Jeez Karkat, harsh much." He doesn't answer you, just keeps on watching the screen intently. You watch too for a good minute before scooching closer to your boyfriend on the couch and crawl into his lap, ignoring his loud protests. After about another quiet minute between the two of you, the tv making the only dialogue you look up at Karkat. You raise a hand and stroke at his cheek, he slaps your hand away. Rude.
"Hey Karkat,"
"Oh my God John what do you want from me!"
"Can I borrow five bucks?" He looks down at you with a glint of murder in his eye.
"If I give you this money, will you finally shut up and leave me the fuck alone? And I mean even leaving me alone even if you set yourself on fire like the dumbass you are and burning to death?" He grit out.
"Yep!" Your boyfriend groans and pushes you off him and on the floor with a hard thud.
"My wallet's on the dresser." He instructs and wraps himself tighter into his comforter. You get up and head towards your shared bedroom.
"Thanks beep beep meow!" You call.
"WE HAD A FUCKING DEAL, SHUT YOUR FACE HOLE BEFORE I FUCKING DO IT FOR YOU!" You ignore his threat and go to his wallet. He's got twenty-three dollars in there; makes the two bucks in your wallet look like shit.
Shaking your head, you remember you have more important things to do. You grab your phone from your bed and send a quick text to Aradia. Since what you'll be needing is a Spirit of Halloween and she work there, she can hook you up.
EB: hey aradia, how much fake blood is left?
AA: well, h0w much bl00d d0 y0u need exactly?
EB: uhhhhh, how much would i need if i'm just putting some on my face, shirt, hands, and on my sink and possibly floor?
AA: in my salespers0n expertise, i'd say get the half gall0n. pe0ple have m0re fun with them
EB: if i don't use it all you can have the rest
AA: s0unds like a deal! but hurry up! there are tw0 left and we're alm0st cl0sed!
EB: shit! i'm on my way!
Looking at the clock, it read 8:46 pm in bright red digital numbers. Damn and the store closes at nine! You shove your phone in your pocket and grabbed the car keys. Tripping while putting your worn yellow converse on, you burst out of the bedroom and towards the door with a kiss goodbye to Karkat. You get a pillow thrown at you in return. Rude.
You make it there in time, thank god, and Aradia slides over the half gallon with a creepy grin. You ignore the eerie feeling that pools in your gut, for you have work to do man! You also grab a fake latex wound because why not. When you finish your transaction, you bolt to the car that's patiently waiting, and speed off. You're probably breaking about every speeding and car safety law but who cares. You have work to do.
You make it back to the apartment complex and into your apartment without getting chased down and arrested. (Thank God) It's 9:09 when you come in. You scan the living room and see that your grouchy lover isn't in here anymore.
"Karkat." You call quickly running down the hall and into the bathroom, placing your thing's in the tub. He doesn't respond. You poke your head out of the bathroom and look around. He's nowhere in sight. You exit the bathroom, carefully shutting the door behind you. If he goes in there, you're ruined.
"Karkat." You call again. Still no answer. A clattering noise from the kitchen followed by a curt, "Goddammit," makes you jump. You tiptoe to the kitchen to find Karkat with his earbuds in, making what looks like grilled cheese. A grin stretches across your face and you hold in a giggle. Slowly, creeping over toward him, you mentally prepare yourself for the hilarious reaction he'll have for when you're done scaring him shitless.
"John if you make me burn myself on this hot as hell pan because you want to be a asslicker, I'll kick your teeth in." Karkat says calmly, not even looking back at you. Dammit.
"How'd you know I was behind you?" You cry. Karkat glances behind at you.
"You're predictable. Plus you were calling my name not even two seconds ago idiot."
"I'm not predictable!" Karkat turns off the stove and places his sandwich on a plate.
"You really are." He answers, charming his mouth full and going back into the living room. You make a face.
"Ugh, I'm going to go shower."
"Don't get your shitty blue hair gel on my towel again Egbert! I will end you!" He calls after you. You wave him off and go back into the bathroom and lock the door. He says you're predictable huh? Well, wait till you get him with this prank. He'll be changing his mind and his pants after this! You quickly get to work putting the latex wound on your forehead. When you're done, you can safely say you're amazing at making yourself looked fucked up. It looks stunningly real. All it needs is blood. You pop open the half gallon and start scooping some out by the handful and rubbing it on your "injury" and letting it drip down your face. You continue till the front of your shirt is practically soaked; there is blood running down and into the sink, your classes are smudged with blood and enough on the floor to make it look like a bloody crime scene. You stand back and admire your work, it was so beautiful. You felt so proud of yourself, but now it's showtime. You unlock the door to the bathroom and push the fake blood under the sink. with you non-bloody hand and begin.
You bang your fist against the sink and cry out loud enough to hurt your throat. When you hear fast footsteps approach the bathroom, your hand comes up to your face and you curl into yourself and start groaning as the door opens.
"John what the hell- OH MY GOD!" Karkat takes one look at you and his eyes go wild with confusion and worry and in seconds he's crouching next to you on the floor.
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!" You let out a groan and cradle yourself into him.
"M-M-My head. I slipped...my head Kar-kat." You cried.
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck jesus fuck John you're bleeding a shit ton FUCK!" Karkat looked around frantically before sitting you upright gently and running out of the bathroom. You let out a few laughs. You couldn't help it, your plan was going perfectly! Karkat came running back in with a towel, continuously chanting "Fuck fuck fuck." and placed it on your forehead.
"John Jesus fuck...God John what did you do, the fuck did you slip on?!"
"S-socks. God it hu-hurts so fucking much." You add for dramatics.
"Well no shit!" Karkat screeches. "You busted your already damaged beyond repair brain and are bleeding out on our fucking bathroom floor John! Shit man!" Man, if this was a real situation and Karkat had decided to insult your I.Q instead of actually helping, you'd probably be dead in seconds.
"Karkat, if I die, promise me you'll take care of yourself okay?" You reach a hand up and cup his cheek. Your boyfriend looks close to tears.
"You're not going to die you fucking moron, I wouldn't let you." He chokes out, holding back the tears that are lining his eyes.
"Karkat, I'm serious." You say. Karkat wipes at his eyes and stands.
"You. Aren't. Going. To. Fucking. Die. So shut up about it already." He gives you a once over with his glassy eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose.
"I'll go get you another towel or something and probably call the goddamn paramedics. Fuck John, I knew you would somehow kill yourself one day doing something stupid!"
With that, he leaves. You muffle your mouth with a towel as you instantly start to laugh hysterically. Your plan worked! It really worked! So much for the predictability! Karkat totally fell for it! Making you the pranking GOD. When your laughter finally dies down enough, you reach under the sink and grab the fake blood, going out of the bathroom and into the living room where Karkat has his back turned to you, frantically looking for something.
"Shit where is it?!" He cries, still pulling apart the couch to find what he's looking for.
"Karkat." You say gently.
"John?" He whips around to you and that's when you dump the rest of the fake blood onto him. It pours onto him, soaking his clothes and his hair. That's when you crack up. Karkat stays stock still staring straight ahead.
"I totally got you Kat!" You exclaim through a laugh. "You have just fallen victim to possibly the best prank ever!" God your sides hurt but you don't even care. It was all worth it.
"This was a prank..?" Karkat repeats slowly. The look on his face only makes you laugh harder.
Until it turns deadly.
"You little SHIT!" Karkat screams lunging towards you. You scream and move out of the way. But Karkat's right on your tail. You vault over the couch; only to have him do the same.
"YOU LITTLE FUCKING SHITSTAIN!" Karkat chases you all around the apartment for a good hour maybe. Even when you locked yourself in a room, he kicks the door in and continues his murderous can honestly say, you've never really seen him so pissed off. Your boyfriend tackles you in the hallway, effectively slamming you to the ground. He screams at you for what seemed like forever, telling you how much of a fucking asshole you are and how he wished you actually were dead. He made you clean up the mess you made along with the entire house just for the hell of it; and when you were done that, he yelled at you some more and went to bed.
TG: so man, how'd your failure of a joke go?
EB: dave, what do you mean how did it go?
EB: you are talking to the pranking master, no pranking GOD and you have the audacity to doubt me and my abilities? for shame. do you hear me? for shame!
EB: i thought we were friends!
EB: no
EB: i thought we were best friends!
EB: i thought you knew me man!
EB: guess i was wrong :B
TG: i'm taking that as it didn't go well
EB: yep
TG: did he try to murder you
EB: and broke our bedroom and bathroom doors
TG: did you sleep on the couch
EB: yeah
TG: good job ya dingus