pThe Jaws of the Sea
pWritten by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
pNOTE: Flaming is desired. It won't hurt me.
pScene One
brEXT. Titanic - Day (1912)
pThe Titanic was ready to board and everyone was waiting with bags in hand. Jack stared up at the ship with his beautiful blue eyes and could see the people boarding and calling to their loved ones. In the midst of it all, were rich families, who'd dare not speak to the common folk. One in particular, was a girl named, Rose. She had curly red hair and an average figure.
pConductor: All aboard! The ship will leave in 15 minutes.
pMother: Rose, come on. We must board the ship.
pAnother family was about to aboard ship too...
pClark Griswald: Excuse me. Can I get through?
pAudrey Griswald: Dad, I have to go to the bathroom.
pClark: Go in the ocean, dear. We are going to have some Griswald family fun!
pEllen Griswald: Clark, I don't think it's safe for Audrey to go in the ocean. There are sharks, you know.
pClark: Yes, honey, I know. Let's board this ship!
pRusty Griswald: I hope there are some hot babes aboard! Whoo Hoo!
pEveryone boarded the ship...well, just about everyone.
pJack: Hey! Wait for me!
pThe ship stood still while Jack boarded.
pEmily Litella: Wait for me!
pShe got on safely, along with a few other surprise guests.
pScene Two
brDinner Room - Evening
pThe place was full and very well lit. Rose sat with her family and a few other of her mother's guests. Her eyes wondered to a handsome lad who was peeling a banana with his foot. Her face turned red and so she picked up the menu to fan herself. Could he be the man or boy of her dreams?
pRusty: Dad, can I go look for chicks?
pClark: Not until you finish your banana and lima beans. Wait, Russ. Where did you get that banana?
pRusty: I brought it from home.
pEllen: Rusty Griswald, you eat your lima beans or no desert.
pRusty: Okay, mom.
pHe lifted his head slightly to see that Rose was looking at him. Once their eyes locked, she quickly turned the other way.
pMother: Rose, don't slouch. Sit up straight.
pRose turned and saw that Rusty was gone.
pAudrey: Could I please be excused?
pClark: All right, Audrey. You ate all your lima beans. Now where did Rusty go?
pEmily Litella stood at Clark's table.
pClark: Can I help you with something?
pEmily Litella: Yes. You look familiar. Have I seen you some place before?
pClark: We're from Chicago. Are you from there?
pEmily: No, I haven't seen that yet. Is it playing in New York? I heard it's really good and the music is very catchy. My friend in college was studying choreography and dance and working at a Dinn-Wixie and trying to invent a new type of dance called the bangeroo Kop. Kinda like dirty dancing except without Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey...
pEllen: I think you misunderstood. We're not actors. We're from Chicago, Illinois.
pEmily: Oh...Nevermind.
pShe walked away.
pScene Three
brINT. Titanic - Night
pRose was getting ready for bed. There was a knock on the door. She answered it.
pRusty: Hi there, I'm Rusty.
pRose: My name is Rose.
pRusty: It's cool that both of our names start with an "R."
pRose: Yes. Would you like to come in?
pRusty: Sure.
pThe door closed and Jack walked by curiously. A door suddenly opened from one of the compartments and a woman with big fluffy hair came out.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Hey! Could you help me out here? I just got a letter from a guy that I haven't seen in 10 years! He could be fat and old and have moles all over his body! That'll make me sick! But...Wow! You are very cute! What's your name?
pJack: Jack, m'am.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Wow! I'm impressed! Not very many boys have manners! Would you like you join me in my room? I shaved and everything!
pJack: Well...
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Come on! I won't bite...not the first time around.
pJack: I suppose.
pHe smiled.
pThe door shut and another door open.
pChristy Brinkley: Darn! I wanted him in my room...Oh well!
pThe door shut again.
pClark exited his room and headed for the main deck.
pClark: I wonder where the kitchen is.
pHe strolled around and went into a room that he thought was the kitchen.
pClark: Hey, I'm hungry. Got any eats? A tomato? Piece of bread? Warm milk? Ovatine?
pCaptain: I'm sorry, sir, but guests are not allowed in here.
pClark: Wow! Is this the control center?
pCaptain: Please leave.
pClark: Hey, what does this button do?
pCaptain: No!
p"My Heart Will Go On" sung by, Celine Dion, echoed thoughout the ship and into every room.
pReactions from different rooms.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: (in bed with Jack) What the hell is that crap? Sounds like a dying cafe in a hale storm!
pEmily: Hmm, a funeral must be going by.
pEllen: Clark, what have you done?
pRusty: Hey, that song sucks! I'm gonna put in some Aerosmith and Matelica!
pRose: Do what you will, but just do it to ime!/i
pRusty: Oh, yes!
pChristy Brinkley: That must be that man I see in that station wagon. I'll drown that music out... "I'm so excited and I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it..."
pINT. Control Center
pCaptain: Get out! NOW!
pClark: I'm hungry. Don't I get something to eat?
pCaptain: Breakfast is at eight o'clock sharp.
pClark: I don't want to wait! I'm hungry now!
pINT. Rose's Room
pRose and Rusty sat on the bed and kissed. He began to undo her dress when there came a knock on the door.
pRose: Excuse me. It might be my mother. Hide.
pRusty: Where?
pRose: The closet.
pHe hid in the closet and she approached the door.
pRose: Who is it?
pLand Shark: (disguised voice) Special delivery...Flowers.
pRose: Flowers?
pLand Shark: Yes, and candy.
pRose: Oh...
pShe opened the door and was swallowed up by the Land Shark.
pRusty: Rose? Is it safe to come out now? Hello?
pINT. Control Center
pCaptain: Please! Get out!
pClark: What about this red button?
pHe pushed it.
pA man cried out, "Iceberg, straight ahead!"
pCaptain: You idiot! Look what you've done! Did you or did you not know that this was a three hour movie?
pClark: I want food!
pCaptain: This ship is going to sink because of you!
pClark: I thought it sunk anyways.
pScene Four
brEXT. Titanic -Night
pEveryone was scrambling to get to a life boat.
pPee-Wee Herman: Hey! What about me? Wait! I know, beach party!
pHe started doing the swim and the monkey.
pCrew: Hey! Get on a boat or die!
pPee Wee: I will! Ha-ha! Women and children first! Aaah!
pCrew: Shut up and get on the boat!
pEmily: Excuse me, but what is all the fuss about a stinkin' boat. It looks rather nice to me. Actually, it's rather big, but after Dan Connors came out of the bathroom, it was rather smelly and stinky...
pCrew: No, m'am. The boat is sinking. You know, going down?
pEmily: Oh...Nevermind.
pJack ran away from Rosann Rosanna Danna and tried to get on ship.
pCrew: Hey! What do you think you're doing? You can't get on this boat!
pJack: Why?
pCrew: We have the entire cast of 'Roseanne' on this boat.
pRoseanne: My butt hurts! Where's Jackie?
pCrew: We are trying to find her.
pJackie: I'm here, Roseanne!
pAnother boat was being set for the Griswald's. Everyone was present.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Hey, Jack!
pJack: Oh no!
pHe started running. The passengers boarded the boats and were ready to be drifted to sea. The orchestra played, "Tequila" while Pee-Wee danced. Before the ship sank, Pee-Wee hopped on his bicycle and rode across the moon like E.T. Jack held on for dear life as Rosann Rosanna Danna inched her way closer.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Kid, you're gonna die anyways, so how about a good-bye kiss.
pJack: Why not.
pHe closed his eyes and kissed Rosann Rosanna Danna. The flares were shot in the air as their lips were tightly pressed for a shocking three and a half minutes.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Wow! If only I had brought protection.
pJack: Who cares. I saw an old car not far from here. We have time.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Good!
pThey ran off together.
pThe ship began sinking and in an hour, it was midway down in the water.
pJack and Rosann Rosanna Danna hung on tight.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Jack, if I live and have your baby, I'll call it 'Titania.'
pJack: Okay, Rose.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Hey! I like that name! Kiss me!
pThey kissed again as they fell into the water.
pRosann Rosanna Danna managed to hold onto a suitcase that was floating in the water.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Jack, where are you?
pJack: I'm here, but this is very cold water.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: No, shit!
pJust then, "Jaws theme" played, a fin approached them, and the jaws of the sea ate up Jack, pulled him under, and left Rosann Rosanna Danna all alone.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: What am I? Chopped liver?
pShe stayed on the suitcase for many hours shivering while dead bodies floated around her.
pA coast guard man came in a boat.
pCoast Guard: Hello, is there anyone still alive?
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Yeah! Me! I'm cold, wet, and hungry! I also have this in-grown toe nail that hurts like hell!
She was saved.
pScene Five
pEXT. Malibu Home - Afternoon (2002)
pRosann Rosanna Danna: It's so hot out here and I'm so old!
pGrandaughter: Are you okay?
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Of course I'm not okay! I'm old and have veins that stick out of my legs!
pGranddaughter: (laughs) I'll be right back.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: I'm going swimmin'! Maybe I'll get lucky and drown.
pShe got into the water and swam out a bit. The "Jaws Theme" played, a fin swam close, and swallowed her up. She was reunited with Jack. As for the older Rose, she was eatten by the shark, after being swallowed up by the Land Shark. She managed to escape and still had the heart of the ocean. A few years later, she fell into the ocean and Jaws ate her and then spit her out because she tasted like gertitol.
pThe Griswald family had a great time and took pictures...They later went to Wally World, Europe, and Vegas.
pEmily Litella lived longer than all of them. She still has trouble with 'violins' on television.
pThe End
pWritten by: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
pNOTE: Flaming is desired. It won't hurt me.
pScene One
brEXT. Titanic - Day (1912)
pThe Titanic was ready to board and everyone was waiting with bags in hand. Jack stared up at the ship with his beautiful blue eyes and could see the people boarding and calling to their loved ones. In the midst of it all, were rich families, who'd dare not speak to the common folk. One in particular, was a girl named, Rose. She had curly red hair and an average figure.
pConductor: All aboard! The ship will leave in 15 minutes.
pMother: Rose, come on. We must board the ship.
pAnother family was about to aboard ship too...
pClark Griswald: Excuse me. Can I get through?
pAudrey Griswald: Dad, I have to go to the bathroom.
pClark: Go in the ocean, dear. We are going to have some Griswald family fun!
pEllen Griswald: Clark, I don't think it's safe for Audrey to go in the ocean. There are sharks, you know.
pClark: Yes, honey, I know. Let's board this ship!
pRusty Griswald: I hope there are some hot babes aboard! Whoo Hoo!
pEveryone boarded the ship...well, just about everyone.
pJack: Hey! Wait for me!
pThe ship stood still while Jack boarded.
pEmily Litella: Wait for me!
pShe got on safely, along with a few other surprise guests.
pScene Two
brDinner Room - Evening
pThe place was full and very well lit. Rose sat with her family and a few other of her mother's guests. Her eyes wondered to a handsome lad who was peeling a banana with his foot. Her face turned red and so she picked up the menu to fan herself. Could he be the man or boy of her dreams?
pRusty: Dad, can I go look for chicks?
pClark: Not until you finish your banana and lima beans. Wait, Russ. Where did you get that banana?
pRusty: I brought it from home.
pEllen: Rusty Griswald, you eat your lima beans or no desert.
pRusty: Okay, mom.
pHe lifted his head slightly to see that Rose was looking at him. Once their eyes locked, she quickly turned the other way.
pMother: Rose, don't slouch. Sit up straight.
pRose turned and saw that Rusty was gone.
pAudrey: Could I please be excused?
pClark: All right, Audrey. You ate all your lima beans. Now where did Rusty go?
pEmily Litella stood at Clark's table.
pClark: Can I help you with something?
pEmily Litella: Yes. You look familiar. Have I seen you some place before?
pClark: We're from Chicago. Are you from there?
pEmily: No, I haven't seen that yet. Is it playing in New York? I heard it's really good and the music is very catchy. My friend in college was studying choreography and dance and working at a Dinn-Wixie and trying to invent a new type of dance called the bangeroo Kop. Kinda like dirty dancing except without Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey...
pEllen: I think you misunderstood. We're not actors. We're from Chicago, Illinois.
pEmily: Oh...Nevermind.
pShe walked away.
pScene Three
brINT. Titanic - Night
pRose was getting ready for bed. There was a knock on the door. She answered it.
pRusty: Hi there, I'm Rusty.
pRose: My name is Rose.
pRusty: It's cool that both of our names start with an "R."
pRose: Yes. Would you like to come in?
pRusty: Sure.
pThe door closed and Jack walked by curiously. A door suddenly opened from one of the compartments and a woman with big fluffy hair came out.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Hey! Could you help me out here? I just got a letter from a guy that I haven't seen in 10 years! He could be fat and old and have moles all over his body! That'll make me sick! But...Wow! You are very cute! What's your name?
pJack: Jack, m'am.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Wow! I'm impressed! Not very many boys have manners! Would you like you join me in my room? I shaved and everything!
pJack: Well...
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Come on! I won't bite...not the first time around.
pJack: I suppose.
pHe smiled.
pThe door shut and another door open.
pChristy Brinkley: Darn! I wanted him in my room...Oh well!
pThe door shut again.
pClark exited his room and headed for the main deck.
pClark: I wonder where the kitchen is.
pHe strolled around and went into a room that he thought was the kitchen.
pClark: Hey, I'm hungry. Got any eats? A tomato? Piece of bread? Warm milk? Ovatine?
pCaptain: I'm sorry, sir, but guests are not allowed in here.
pClark: Wow! Is this the control center?
pCaptain: Please leave.
pClark: Hey, what does this button do?
pCaptain: No!
p"My Heart Will Go On" sung by, Celine Dion, echoed thoughout the ship and into every room.
pReactions from different rooms.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: (in bed with Jack) What the hell is that crap? Sounds like a dying cafe in a hale storm!
pEmily: Hmm, a funeral must be going by.
pEllen: Clark, what have you done?
pRusty: Hey, that song sucks! I'm gonna put in some Aerosmith and Matelica!
pRose: Do what you will, but just do it to ime!/i
pRusty: Oh, yes!
pChristy Brinkley: That must be that man I see in that station wagon. I'll drown that music out... "I'm so excited and I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it..."
pINT. Control Center
pCaptain: Get out! NOW!
pClark: I'm hungry. Don't I get something to eat?
pCaptain: Breakfast is at eight o'clock sharp.
pClark: I don't want to wait! I'm hungry now!
pINT. Rose's Room
pRose and Rusty sat on the bed and kissed. He began to undo her dress when there came a knock on the door.
pRose: Excuse me. It might be my mother. Hide.
pRusty: Where?
pRose: The closet.
pHe hid in the closet and she approached the door.
pRose: Who is it?
pLand Shark: (disguised voice) Special delivery...Flowers.
pRose: Flowers?
pLand Shark: Yes, and candy.
pRose: Oh...
pShe opened the door and was swallowed up by the Land Shark.
pRusty: Rose? Is it safe to come out now? Hello?
pINT. Control Center
pCaptain: Please! Get out!
pClark: What about this red button?
pHe pushed it.
pA man cried out, "Iceberg, straight ahead!"
pCaptain: You idiot! Look what you've done! Did you or did you not know that this was a three hour movie?
pClark: I want food!
pCaptain: This ship is going to sink because of you!
pClark: I thought it sunk anyways.
pScene Four
brEXT. Titanic -Night
pEveryone was scrambling to get to a life boat.
pPee-Wee Herman: Hey! What about me? Wait! I know, beach party!
pHe started doing the swim and the monkey.
pCrew: Hey! Get on a boat or die!
pPee Wee: I will! Ha-ha! Women and children first! Aaah!
pCrew: Shut up and get on the boat!
pEmily: Excuse me, but what is all the fuss about a stinkin' boat. It looks rather nice to me. Actually, it's rather big, but after Dan Connors came out of the bathroom, it was rather smelly and stinky...
pCrew: No, m'am. The boat is sinking. You know, going down?
pEmily: Oh...Nevermind.
pJack ran away from Rosann Rosanna Danna and tried to get on ship.
pCrew: Hey! What do you think you're doing? You can't get on this boat!
pJack: Why?
pCrew: We have the entire cast of 'Roseanne' on this boat.
pRoseanne: My butt hurts! Where's Jackie?
pCrew: We are trying to find her.
pJackie: I'm here, Roseanne!
pAnother boat was being set for the Griswald's. Everyone was present.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Hey, Jack!
pJack: Oh no!
pHe started running. The passengers boarded the boats and were ready to be drifted to sea. The orchestra played, "Tequila" while Pee-Wee danced. Before the ship sank, Pee-Wee hopped on his bicycle and rode across the moon like E.T. Jack held on for dear life as Rosann Rosanna Danna inched her way closer.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Kid, you're gonna die anyways, so how about a good-bye kiss.
pJack: Why not.
pHe closed his eyes and kissed Rosann Rosanna Danna. The flares were shot in the air as their lips were tightly pressed for a shocking three and a half minutes.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Wow! If only I had brought protection.
pJack: Who cares. I saw an old car not far from here. We have time.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Good!
pThey ran off together.
pThe ship began sinking and in an hour, it was midway down in the water.
pJack and Rosann Rosanna Danna hung on tight.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Jack, if I live and have your baby, I'll call it 'Titania.'
pJack: Okay, Rose.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Hey! I like that name! Kiss me!
pThey kissed again as they fell into the water.
pRosann Rosanna Danna managed to hold onto a suitcase that was floating in the water.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Jack, where are you?
pJack: I'm here, but this is very cold water.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: No, shit!
pJust then, "Jaws theme" played, a fin approached them, and the jaws of the sea ate up Jack, pulled him under, and left Rosann Rosanna Danna all alone.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: What am I? Chopped liver?
pShe stayed on the suitcase for many hours shivering while dead bodies floated around her.
pA coast guard man came in a boat.
pCoast Guard: Hello, is there anyone still alive?
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Yeah! Me! I'm cold, wet, and hungry! I also have this in-grown toe nail that hurts like hell!
She was saved.
pScene Five
pEXT. Malibu Home - Afternoon (2002)
pRosann Rosanna Danna: It's so hot out here and I'm so old!
pGrandaughter: Are you okay?
pRosann Rosanna Danna: Of course I'm not okay! I'm old and have veins that stick out of my legs!
pGranddaughter: (laughs) I'll be right back.
pRosann Rosanna Danna: I'm going swimmin'! Maybe I'll get lucky and drown.
pShe got into the water and swam out a bit. The "Jaws Theme" played, a fin swam close, and swallowed her up. She was reunited with Jack. As for the older Rose, she was eatten by the shark, after being swallowed up by the Land Shark. She managed to escape and still had the heart of the ocean. A few years later, she fell into the ocean and Jaws ate her and then spit her out because she tasted like gertitol.
pThe Griswald family had a great time and took pictures...They later went to Wally World, Europe, and Vegas.
pEmily Litella lived longer than all of them. She still has trouble with 'violins' on television.
pThe End