Authors notes:Hello! Welcome to the most crack-ass thing I have ever written. XD It actually started out as a stupid inside joke and just kind of blew up. This story is actually a little old, it's been gathering dust for about a month now, but it's still pretty good according to my friend who read it and insisted I publish it. lol. I'll probably be submitting parts of it over the next week or so, and most of the chapters are pretty short.

Also, if you couldn't already tell from the description, this entire thing is basically a bunch of silliness based around the idea of 'what in the world could have happened that made Oro-kun the crazy person he is today'. So, yeah, lots of Orochimaru torture... I'm such a horrid fangirl. XD And Oro-kun's parents have no names... I'm a failure like that.

Warnings:Not my characters. I mean, technically I made up his parents, but other than that everyone belongs to Kishimoto. Oh, and this is coming from me of all people so there will be hints at really crack ass pairings, all of them one-sided. That includes yaoi. There will probably be cursing at some point. Naybe more, but I can't think of anything right now. Basically this is pretty tame for what I normally write. LOL.

It was a bright day in the leaf village when a young couple learned they were soon to be expecting their first child. The newly married couple were overjoyed with the news. They had always been told by the local doctors, and medial ninja of the village they would never be able to produce offspring, and the coming of a child was great news.

The doctor had told them that they should be expecting a girl, and the young couple spent the next nine months preparing for the new arrival. They renovated the guest room of their home into a nursery, and filled it with everything a baby girl could possibly need and want in their infant years.

When the day finally came they rushed to the hospital, prepared for their new baby girl. Needless to say, that isn't what they got.

It was a boy, pale as could be physically possible with bright gold, snake-like eyes. Even though he was only a new-born baby, he already had a full head of midnight black hair, and seemed to have a certain intelligence to him already. That boy was named Orochimaru, and the day of his birth was were everything started to go hideously wrong...

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Honey... What in the world are you doing?", asked a tired looking young man. His wife had been acting strangely ever since they had gotten home from the hospital. She just couldn't seem to wrap her head around the fact that she had a son, not a daughter. It was almost kind of sad, really.

The small, month-old boy was being held in his mothers' lap, looking at her with curious golden eyes. She had some form of frilly pink cloth held in her hands, and she was currently attempting to put it on the poor child.

"I'm just getting Orochi-chan dressed is all," she said happily, completely ignoring the look she was getting from her husband. He had been on a constant 'stop trying to turn our son into a girl' spree and she could care less for it. After all, the boy was still just a baby. If she wanted to put him in a dress she had every right to. It isn't like he would remember it when he got older, and make him grow up to be a purple bow-wearing cross dresser.

The sleep deprived man just watched for a second before saying as calmly as he could,"Honey... Orochimaru is a boy. If you want a daughter that badly we can adopt one, but for the love of god leave the poor boy alone. You'll traumatize his innocent little impressionable mind and corrupt his entire way of being for the rest of his life."

She just huffed and said in a very childlike, indignant way,"Fine!" With that she stood up, handed the small, very confused looking baby to her husband, and walked away.

He looked down at his son, who was currently trying to pull off the infernal pink lace, and sighed. When Orochimaru realized that the dress wasn't coming off he looked up at his dad, as if he was asking,"Why me?"

The boys father was convinced that even though he was only a month old the boy was pretty intelligent beyond his time. "I don't know what's wrong with that woman, Orochimaru. I just don't know... I promise I'll try to find a shrink,"he said tiredly, pulling the evil dress off his small son.