"You should be stripped of your titles, you sadistic bastard!" The young soldier had to be restrained from tackling the Commander. Erwin stood, taking in the man's words like blows to his face, but showed no outward reaction. "You knew it was going to be an ambush! You let them all die! You let her die!" The man turned to his fellow soldiers, looking at any of them for support, gaining nothing but sympathetic looks. The man continued anyway. "You don't know what it's like, losing someone that close to you! You don't react to anything. It's like you aren't even human!"
Instead of reprimanding the grieving soldier for trying to attack a superior officer, Erwin responded by turning around and walking away. There was no need for him to respond with discipline. The man was not the only soldier to have yelled at him in anger and anguish. He would not let anyone follow him to his office, assuring them there was no need to apologize for the soldier's actions. He was only grieving after all.
Erwin closed the door behind him, shutting out the wailing of mourning for the dead. The man's voice echoed through his mind, repeating themselves over and over. Erwin had heard words similar to these constantly. Especially after expeditions.
He's not even human.
He talks and boasts of humanity, yet has he ever been human?
He was human once, some would say. Maybe when he was a child, innocent of the world's cruelties.
Others said, He has never been human. He was born straight from the Titan's mouth, murderous intent and all. That one struck Erwin as odd. He never felt the urge to eat a human just to throw him back up later. Only strike one.
He moved towards his desk, his heels clicking softly on the wood floors, chair creaking as he sat down in it. Sure, he supposed, he had been human once, but it was only for her.
He had fallen for her during a trip to the Interior. A woman of high regard and respect. She was so lovely and beautiful, with long hair the color of yellow silk and pale skin just as soft. Her dark brown eyes were striking, obviously conveying her emotions and trust. Her lips were gentle and curved easily into smiles over her perfectly white teeth. Freckles dotted across her nose, making her bright and youthful. Her beauty was radiant and she knew it, but did not let it go to her head. He adored her.
Erwin had tried several times to woo her, but she initially refused, saying with a laugh, "You don't even know my name!"
"Then what is it?" he would ask. "Please, tell me. I must know."
She would laugh again. "A name is one of the most powerful things in this world. I intend to keep mine to myself as long as possible."
Eventually, Erwin gave up trying to get her to tell him her name and decided he would get it out of her some day. He did not want to ask her father what she was called, because it would mean he had totally given up finding her out himself. He would visit her during his times in the Interior, setting aside an hour or two to spend with her during his short stay. They would not do much, to Erwin's dismay, but it was enough to get to know her.
She loved sunflowers. She loved pretty, lacy dresses and would wear them whenever she could. Her small dog was named after her favorite aunt. Days spent inside reading by the window was what she enjoyed the most. These were only a few of the things about her Erwin treasured inside himself.
When he did get her name, he asked her to marry him, but she initially refused, saying, "When a woman is married in this world, she is expected to have many children. I, for one, do not wish to be a mother in this world."
Erwin found himself surprisingly disappointed at this fact. What did he care that she did not want children? As a Survey Corps member, he was not allowed pretty things like her or children of his own, nor did he deserve them, but he desired them. Many of them did.
He bothered her about marrying him for many months, showing up randomly at her door, with a flower or two in hand, repeatedly asking her. Eventually, she gave in, allowing herself to be married to the persistent man she had grown to love as much as he did her. The ceremony was small, with less than 12 people in attendance. Erwin was not fond of being married in a church, but he decided it was alright for one evening if it was for her. She allowed Erwin to make their marriage secret from the press and the public. If rumors flew around the military of it, no one would pay any mind. Rumors happened all the time.
Erwin was irritated he could not see her as often as he liked. The Survey Corps headquarters was in the outer wall, while his wife was in the Interior, living safely in luxury. The trip was a long one to make, spanning at least a day or two's worth of travel. While they were separated by the walls, Erwin wrote to her, telling her of the day's work, which was just as interesting as it sounded (which was not at all), but Erwin figured it was better than nothing. She would reply in much of the same way, ending each letter expressing her love for him and how she was waiting eagerly for his return. Erwin would hide her letters underneath the mattress of his bed, taking them out at night to read again before he slept.
Erwin thought to himself that while he was married to her, it was the happiest days of his life. Even if he was unsure of how to express himself to her or even how to say the most precious three words, she knew he loved her unconditionally.
During one particular visit to the Interior, she insisted she return with Erwin. She wanted to see what the outer walls were like and where he worked. He was unsure of why her request bothered him, but after her own persistent questioning, he gave in and allowed her to come back with him. When they arrived to the outer walls a couple of days later, Erwin reserved a room for her at the nearest hotel. He did not think she would enjoy staying at the Survey Corps headquarters. It was not exactly built for visitors and was always busy with one thing or another, no matter what time of day or night it was.
After taking a day off and leaving Mike in charge while he was gone, Erwin led his wife throughout the city, showing her a few of the sights. She stayed quiet about her own upbringing in the Interior and did not turn her nose up at anything she was offered by a local. She was surprisingly very curious as to the way of life in the outer wall. She had once remarked in Erwin's ear that it was so intriguing how people managed to feel safe even while in the outer wall. By the end of the day, they were eating at a little café for dinner before Erwin returned her to the hotel.
She had grown silent during their conversation. Erwin asked her if anything was wrong. She shook her head in reply. "Erwin, I want to live here. I can always sell my things in the Interior and then buy a house here. It would be much easier to see you so you don't have to travel so much."
He hesitated to tell her she shouldn't, but he knew it would do little to convince her to stay in the Interior. He tried anyway. "You're safer in the Interior," he told her. "You never know what might happen."
She frowned. "What could possibly happen?" she scoffed. "I'll be fine." She reached across the table and squeezed his hand. "Honestly, Erwin. It'll be okay," she assured him, although it did nothing to calm his nerves.
He nodded, unable to disagree with her because of how she was looking at him. Not even a week after this conversation, Titans broke through the wall of Shiganshina, killing thousands of people, Erwin's wife among the numbers. He did not even have a chance to look for her body amongst the wreckage.
Erwin refused to cry for her, even in private. He would bottle it up and use the pain of her death to lead his troops better than before. The short time he had her in his life, he admired her and wished he could keep her forever. But he reminded himself of the commitment he made to the Corps and, as such, he was not allowed a pretty normal life.
Because he kept a stoic image for his troops all the time, there was hardly any time to show sympathy or comfort to any of his soldiers. He pretended he did not mind when they called him inhuman, but it did bother him to an extent.
Erwin looked up from his day dreaming to the sound of his office door opening. Hanji poked her head through the doorway then walked in, instead of bursting the door down like she normally did. "Are you alright, Commander?" she asked softly. Erwin thought it was odd to have her so calm.
He cleared his throat before speaking again. "Excellent," he replied, regaining his composure after his initial shock at her approach.
Hanji nodded, scanning him with her large brown eyes. With a pang in his chest, Erwin realized her eyes looked much like his late wife's. For a moment, he had the urge to reach out and touch her. He wanted to feel her skin under his fingertips. He wanted to hold her against him and listen to her sigh in pleasure from his kisses. He soon felt guilty for thinking of Hanji in this way, berating himself for such foolish and selfish thoughts. He did not deserve those sort of pleasures, human or not.
"Commander, sir?" Hanji's voice brought him back. "Are you sure?" she insisted. "If you want to talk, we can." She meant it all in good will, but did not expect Erwin to comply to opening up to her. Besides, a human would probably be open to that sort of talk, but Erwin wasn't human according to others. He had begun to believe it himself.
Erwin stared blankly at her for a moment before reaching for a pen on the desk and tearing away from her gaze. "I'm fine, really, Hanji." He did not watch her leave after several minutes of silence passed between them. The only sound in the room was the scratching of the pen on paper as he signed his name over and over on multiple death notices. He slowly started to rebuild the walls he kept around his emotions as he signed his name, steeling himself of any pain. The pang in his chest was gone now.
Erwin supposed, he was human once.