Hi, everyone. I seem to start all my fanfics with that. This is something that seemed quite fun to do, as it could be played for laughs with the awkwardness and also have a more serious side, as Zuko and Mai obviously both had serious parent issues. Not to mention that they'd both be in some deep shit. So, enjoy this little airing of all my favourite characters, and I hope it's worth your time. I don't own Avatar. Please don't sue. I can offer you three British pounds.

Toph turned over in bed and groaned, burying her face in the pillow as another particularly harsh jolt of vibrations jerked their way along the floor and jolted up her - unfortunately metal - bed. Koh the bloody Face Stealer, what in the Four Nations were they doing to each other in there?

Zuko was a kind boy, eager to make up for his past mistakes in any way he could. Toph had still not plucked up the courage to face her parents with her new identity, and so for the six months since the war's end, she had been staying in the Fire Nation Royal Palace, surrounded by the decadence she had grown to despise as a child. In the palace's residential wing, the Fire Lord's elegant suite was in the middle, the rooms slowly getting less and less luxurious as they got further and further away from this sanctuary of pristine opulence. As a personal friend of the Fire Lord, the young girl had been given a room quite close to the one shared unashamedly by her host and his girlfriend. This had the advantage that she was surrounded all the time by the softness and warmth to which she was accustomed but had grown to appreciate even more since abandoning the Beifong estate - although she was unable to appreciate the beautiful display - but the disadvantage that the vibrations from the royal chamber did not have far to go, and, since the beginning of her stay, Toph had built up a detailed knowledge of the finer points of sex.

She heard a muffled scream and a whimpered name, followed by the dirtiest piece of flirtation she had ever heard in her short dozen years, and she buried her head further into the plush deep red pillow. She'd never look at Mai in the same way again. She'd have to plan her revenge.

"Morning, Sparky. Morning, Knives."

The young couple smiled pleasantly at Toph as they joined her at the breakfast table and took a piece of fruit each. Toph yawned. "Did you sleep well? I tried, but there was this awful noise: loads of banging about and shrieking and other weird noises. Did you two hear that?"

The sight of Zuko's blush caused a nearby servant to almost drop a tray. Surely not before marriage... Toph wasn't finished yet, though.

"Oh, of course it was you two. No-one else would find vicious knife-cuts a turn-on."

This time, the servant really did drop his tray. Just wait until he told Ryu and the others! What a piece of gossip that was! Zuko shot an agonised glance at his retreating back, but to no avail.

"Thanks, Toph," he sighed, "for ruining my dignity and credibility within the palace."

"Don't mention it." she grinned, through a mouthful of passion fruit. "I didn't know it was possible to learn so much that I didn't want to know." Then, a thought occurred to her and she put her fruit down thoughtfully. "Isn't that how babies are made?"

Zuko and Mai exchanged a glance. "Not every time." Mai said hurriedly. She would have closed off the subject, but it seemed to have distracted Toph from teasing them about their kinks, and so she simply waited to see what the young Earthbender would say next.

Toph merely shrugged. "Fine by me. Just as long as you name your first daughter "Toph"."

"No." Zuko said.

At this juncture, the door opened and Ursa entered. At the end of the war, Zuko had put out an order revoking all banishments, a move which had greatly refurbished the palace staff, most of whom had been delighted to return to a life of well-paid employment and a free roof over their heads, but which had been planned with his mother in mind and, sure enough, she had arrived about a week later, proud as ever with her brave son and only too glad to see the Fire Nation once again, in the absence of her husband.

"Morning." grinned Toph at her, now wolfing down jook like a girl with a job to do. "We were just discussing the fact that you're probably going to be a grandma soon."

Mai's expression remained impassive as usual, but Zuko's turned a vibrant beetroot red before he buried it in his hands. "Toph..."

"What? It's true."

Ursa's expression told them quite plainly that she knew more than she would like them to. "Listen... I don't want to be the stereotypical unsubtle parent, but...just be careful, alright?"

"Yeah, Mum." replied Zuko half-heartedly, while Toph looked as though Christmas had come early. "Nothing's going to happen."