Tag for When the Levee Breaks. Sam's thoughts as he leaves Dean behind.
Special thanks to Faye Dartmouth for the quick beta. I own nothing. Reviews craved.
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Last Ride
Dean's last words rang in his ears all the way down the stairs.
If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back.
Sam couldn't blame him. He'd nearly strangled Dean just now in his anger. It terrified him, that overwhelming rage. He'd stopped himself though. He wasn't a monster. He loved his brother. More than anything. He didn't want to hurt him. He didn't want to hurt anyone.
If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back.
Sam's thoughts wandered back to the same words, spoken with much the same venom, the night he'd left for Stanford. Dad had even looked at him the same way.
After all their time together, after everything they'd been through, Dean still thought Sam could be bullied like the under-grown runt he used to be in high school. He was Dean's brother, and he'd been tossed in Bobby's panic room like some drug-crazed junkie. The window was closed in his face when he tried to explain. His opinion didn't matter. His arguments didn't matter.
Even the pain he'd suffered down there didn't matter.
I had no idea that Dean would do that to you.
You and me both.
Dean had heard him screaming down there, while his blood boiled and Alistair carved him up…and did nothing. Wouldn't even sit with him. Wouldn't even look at him. Instead, Dean had simply confirmed what Sam had feared the most.
Weak. Desperate. Pathetic.
Monster, Sam. You're a monster.
Sam stepped out the door into the side parking lot. Ruby was waiting in a yellow car. He walked toward it, not meeting her questioning gaze.
He wasn't being crazy. He was being practical. Sam had the power to turn his curse into a gift, to use it against the demons that had tormented his family---his loved ones---for so long. The monsters that had ruined his life and the lives of everyone around him had to be stopped. And Sam was the best choice. His life was worthless anyway. Who better to end it? Sam had nothing left to lose.
We were never going to be normal. We were never going to get away.
How can you run from what's inside you?
Dean wasn't seeing the big picture. He was too busy being self-righteous and playing Touched by an Angel to see how strong Sam was.
How scared Sam was.
He had to kill Lilith, even if it killed him. No one could get in his way, not even Dean. It was the only way.
Even so, Sam had hoped Dean would find him tonight. He'd dared to hope that Dean could see him as a brother. A partner. A friend. Sam had always seen Dean that way. Dean had been his idol, a brass ring to reach for. But it was a one-way street. Dean had just proven that.
I trust you, because you're my brother. Now, I am asking you, for once, trust me!
No.
You're a monster. We're not even the same species.. Pathetic.
He'd begged for his big brother's trust, and Dean threw it back in his face.
Sam was an idiot for not seeing it before. An idealistic fool, blinded by love that could never be returned.
Shut up, Sam. Get behind me, Sam. Follow orders, Sam. Dean was just like Dad. To both of them, Sam wasn't anything but a burden. Something to be guarded. Something to be worried about. Not something to be listened to. Not trusted. Not worth the trouble of truly caring about.
They were right about that part.
What's dead should stay dead.
Dean should never have made his deal. He should have left Sam dead. After all, why do it for someone you can't ever love? For someone who was probably never human in the first place? Sam was just baggage. The remnants of a life Dean resented. A symbol of everything Dean had lost rather than what he had left. A curse.
He's a Winchester, he's already cursed. Sam knew Adam had never had a chance. The ghouls had fooled him, true, but he should have known it was already too late. No one related to Sam ever had a chance. He was a one-man life wrecking machine. A leftover of his mother's mistakes.
The one person who might have loved Sam for reasons other than duty died over his crib before he ever knew her. Sam had always wondered why fate had robbed him of that. It became a lot clearer when he learned about her deal. Sam had been cursed from the beginning. Before that, even.
He punched the top of the car as he reached it, and cast one last look at the hotel. He'd wanted his brother to come with him. Just once, to follow his lead. To give Sam one chance to prove that he could be more than a burden. More than weight on Dean's shoulders. He could be a brother. He could be someone Dean could be proud of and not afraid of. He could fix things so that Dean would never have to be afraid again.
Sam knew now just how pointless that fantasy had been. Dean would never accept him. He never had. Dean couldn't see beyond what Sam was, beyond the monster. Beyond the burden.
For all the years Sam had worshipped his brother, for all the times he'd poured his heart out to him, for all the grief he thought they'd shared...Dean didn't even know who he was. He only knew what he was. Sam apparently rated less than even the nameless strangers his family had saved over the years. A creature. An entry in the journal. A chore to be checked off a list.
Sam's had dinner. Check.
Sam's been tucked into bed. Check.
Sam's alive. Check.
Sam's still a monster. Check. Check. Check.
Fine. Let Dean think that. Dean was better off without the burden of watching over his troublesome little freak-boy. Maybe now his sibling could move on. Leave Dad's quest behind. Be happy for once.
Sam could ensure that. He would kill Lilith. No Lilith, no apocalypse. No apocalypse, the angels had no reason to keep pestering Dean.
He dropped into the car, his anger toward Dean ebbing slowly. He could never stay mad at Dean for long. It wasn't like it had been with Dad. Sam respected Dean too much to stay mad at him. Still worshipped him, long after the aura of invincibility had dulled and the brass ring had tarnished.
Ruby reached over and brushed his face where his lip had been bloodied. "Sam, are you---?"
He didn't look at her, just gritted his teeth. "Drive."
She obeyed after a moment, turning her attention to the road instead of him. Sam preferred it that way. Ruby was a means to an end. His key to killing Lilith and putting this miserable excuse of a life behind him for good. He needed her for that, but that was all.
She's poison, Sam! Look what she did to you!
And Dean was right. Ruby had left him high and dry for three weeks, knowing what would happen. Knowing he was addicted. Knowing he would suffer and knowing Dean would see it. She was trying to manipulate him, for what reason Sam wasn't sure.
Maybe, once Lilith was dead, he would make Ruby pay for that. It would be his final proof to Dean that he wasn't an idiot being led around by the nose. That he could do what Dean asked of him.
That he really wasn't a monster. Just a cursed freak who was trying to do the world a favor. Because he was the only one who could.
Dean didn't see that. Dean didn't see Sam. Dean just saw the monster. The naive, bloodsucking monster that thought it was human.
You're just one of the filthy things that we hunt. We're not even the same species. You're nothing to me.
It made sense. Sam failed to be a good son. Sam failed to protect Jess. Sam failed to save Dean from Hell. How could he be expected to save the world from the apocalypse? Why should Dean owe him anything, let alone trust?
Sam watched the hotel recede in the side mirror. He wished things had gone differently. He wished Dean had understood and not just bossed him around. He wished his brother could have trusted him. Just once before the end.
Above all, he wished he could say goodbye. Dean didn't know that this battle with Lilith was going to be Sam's last. Sam owed his life to his brother a dozen times over. He could only pay it back once, but he was paying it back.
Maybe I should have told him that. Maybe he would have listened....
Sam had nursed the small hope that there'd be a little more time. A chance to fix things with his brother before....
He dropped his head back against the headrest. It didn't matter now. Nothing did. He had Dean's blood on his hands, again. Like always. He'd hurt the last family he had left.
That's what family's for, right?
Dean had turned on him. Treated him like some stupid, strung-out junkie. He loved Dean, more than anything. But, Sam was done.
There was no going back, now. He'd burned the last bridge connecting him to his life.
Thank God it was almost over.
Lilith had to go. Sam would save the world by himself…then the world could go fuck itself because Sam was done.
He just hoped Dean understood someday.
END