It had been years since Blaine had even needed to shove those tiny white pills down his throat, years since things had gotten that bad. But it was happening again, that voice in his head telling him he was useless, and that deep sadness that wouldn't go away no matter what he did or how hard he tried.

He broke Kurt's heart, and all that ran through his mind day in, day out was the look of pure disappointment as soon as he let slip what had happened with Eli. Blaine saw the love of his life crumble right before his eyes and it hurt to know that was his doing.

It took weeks before Kurt would even pick up the phone and even then Blaine couldn't forgive himself, couldn't stop feeling like he was a horrible person and wasn't sure that feeling was ever going to disappear. But then Cooper had come home for christmas and immediately noticed the difference. Noticed how his baby brother was falling back into his old ways and he made it his mission to make sure it didn't go as far as his Dalton times. He'd forced Blaine back to his old therapist and soon enough he was back on the meds, promising the other that he was only a phone call before reluctantly leaving after the break.

And the routine was back. School, student council, studying, pills. He felt numb but put on that fake smile at school to please whoever might have been watching, to please Kurt when they talked on skype. Because really, what right did he have to worry his best friend when he'd hurt him so badly?

Talking to Kurt was starting to become a more daily thing and Mr Shue's wedding saw them in a hotel room, moving quickly into old habits. Blaine found himself acting a little bit more submissively then any time they'd slept together before. He wanted, he needed to please Kurt and he couldnt afford to make any more mistakes.

_
Blaine nodded to himself as he stood in front of the mirror, having no choice but to agree when Kurt let him know that it was just a hookup, nothing more. And thank god for feeling nothing because he was sure he'd be a blubbering mess without. He quickly excused himself to use the bathroom, shooting a smile off to Kurt before closing the door behind him in the adjoining bathroom.

Kurt grinned happily to himself and busied himself with cleaning around the hotel room, making the sheets on the bed before slipping on his own jacket and reaching down to pick Blaine's up. His brow furrowed when a small orange bottle fell out the pocket and he picked it up, his curiosity peaking.

"Kurt"

Blaine's somewhat shaky voice broke him out of his trance whilr he read the packaging on the bottle and he spun around to face him, a frown now plastered on his face.

"B. Blaine" he replied automatically, closing the distance between them and reaching out a hand to place on Blaine's shoulder, stepping back as the other boy flinched. And then he looked straight into hazel eyes, noting just how unhappy he looked and Kurt was sure his heart was crumbling once again.

"Blaine. Come on. What's going on? These… it says they're anti-depressants. They're not yours right?" he asked, clasping onto straws but knowing from Blaines silent demeanour that, thwt wasnt going to be the case.

Kurt took a chance again, offering his hand. "C'mon baby. Talk to me. I love you. I just need to knew whats going on"

Blaine shook his head at that and looked up at Kurt, surprised to find his own eyes clouding over with tears.

"No. No you don't love me. It's o-okay. I get it. I know. I know I broke your heart"

"B. No. No. I love you. I didnt stop. I didn't ever stop" Kurt interjected quickly and firmly, his hands moving up to cup his face. "I love you okay? I'm just rewlly worried about you right now"

Blaine bit down his lip as he met Kurts concerned gaze, shaking his head and letting out a choked sob before letting his head drop down on the others shoulder.

Kurt swallowed past the lump in his throat, one hand moving to cup the back of his head and the other rubbing circles into his back as Blaine finally let himself break. Kurt shushed Blaines choked apologies and whispered sweet nothings in his ear as the other slowly calmed down.

A good fifteen minutes passed before Kurt finally tugged Blaine over to sit on the bed, both their hands now entwined as they sat cross- legged opposite each other. He stayed silent wanting Blaine to tell him whenever he was ready, squeezing the others hands every sooften to let him know he was there.

Blaine was just focusing on the feel of Kurts hand in his again, the feeling that he'd gone so long without and when he finally looked up it was to see Kurts compassionate eyes boring into his once again. "I guess I should start explaining then" he started cautiously, wiping away the remaining tears with his sleeve. "They're yeah. They're anti depressants"

Kurt squeezed his hand back, nodding and just waiting as patiently for Blaine to continue. "I. I was on them before I met you. Before Dalton and at Dalton for a little bit. Things were..they were really hard. Sadie Hawkins and just, just really trying to survive. You know how i told you about the dance? They assigned a therapist to me after that and …when a few months passed and things were getting worse instead of better they told me I was depressed and forced me to take the pills"

"Blaine..I'm sorry sweetie. I had no idea" Kurt said, frowning as he tried to figure out this had never come out in the entirety of their relationship.

"You said you stopped right? Are you..Are you depressed now?" he asked as he scooted a little closer, placing a hand on his knee.

Blaine nodded reluctantly. "Yeah. I think so. It was the same feelings as before. Just the worthlessness and the sadness" He paused for a second as he saw Kurts eyes change form. "And dont you dare think about blaming yourself. It was my fault"

Kurt's own face morphed into one of sadness as Blaine kept talking. "I feel like I don't even know you anymore. Blaine. If I'd known I would have tried everything to help. Because I can't lose you okay? You're my best friend and I dont care if you hurt me. I still care about you. Beyond anything"

Kurt made a point of making direct eye contact before all but clutching onto Blaine, the other boy clinging back tightly.

"It'll be okay" Kurt promised. And Blaine couldn't help but smile into Kurt's chest knowing that it might actually be true, not today but in time.