Chapter 1: The Inspector

The wizard's robes billowed in the wind as he stood firm and rigid like a post, his dark eyes glowering like laser pointers on a locale and flashing back to a memory he'd wished to never revisit. This quiet, simple house in this simple, quiet neighbourhood: number 4 Privet Drive.

'So this is the place?' he snarled. 'Can't wait to get this over with.'

Petunia Dursley had finally finished her round of chores for the morning and was poised for relaxation. Her husband, Vernon Dursley, had already long left for work since morning, leaving her to her own devices. She quite liked the house when it was quiet, as she could arrange all her furnishings so that they were just so. Neat. Orderly. Not a thing out of place. Not a speck on the floor. Not a smudge on the counters. Not a single ounce of dust on the upholstery. She let out a sigh. It was time for afternoon tea, and she had begun to prepare a hefty pot. As the kettle slowly came to a boil, she flicked through the television channels in search of her favourite afternoon program: Downton Abbey. Yes. This was certainly her kind of day.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and she wrinkled her nose in agitation. Who was this person who dared obstruct her peace?

She made her way to the door all the while grumbling under her breath. She smoothed the folds in her dress, making sure she was presentable, and then she opened it.

What a ghastly sight. A rather tall, sallow-skinned man stood before her. She noted the way his unkempt hair slicked over his ears and extended to his shoulders, a stray fringe of hair sweeping slightly over his brow. He was dressed all in black— robes to be exact. She frowned deeply, overwhelmed with disgust.

'Can I help you?' she asked, praying that he had mistakenly knocked on the wrong door.

'Perhaps,' he intoned in a drawling manner, peering edgily over her shoulder. 'May I come in?'

Petunia's eyebrows shot up, forcing several layers of creases to form on her forehead. 'I beg your pardon?'

The man's black eyes shifted to meet hers as he gave a severe frown. 'It would be the polite thing to do… when you have a guest, to invite them in.'

Petunia was taken aback, flabbergasted by the man's brashness. But, she could see in the distance one of her neighbours passing, peering over with interest. Well, she couldn't have them talk could she? What if they noticed this strange man at her door for such a prolonged period of time? She could only imagine the neighbourly gossip. She could only imagine Vernon's reaction. She gasped audibly and beckoned the man to enter. "Right you are. Do come in," she said affirmably.

Severus entered, clutching at the hems of his black robe sleeves. His eyes darted about the house, taking everything's meticulous arrangement. The place was brighter, and cleaner than he was comfortable with. But he appreciated the organization. He supposed. He lowered his eyes, watching as the woman grabbed a pot of tea, and showed him to a seat at the table. She poured some for them both.

'Do you take sugar in your tea? Or milk?' she asked.

'Black…is fine,' he uttered sharply, his stare unrelenting on her. He watched as her hand rattled while she poured, and from her hands his gaze followed up, along her thin, gangling arms, up to her face. He took in her sharp features. She looked at him suddenly, her gaunt, horse-like mug not at all made prettier, softened or aided by her wisps of ash blond hair. Her right eye twitched.

'Alright. I let you in and you've got your tea. Now tell me who you are and why the devil you're here, at this house of all houses,' she seethed.

Severus was unfazed by her anger, and maintained his unwavering stare. 'You don't know who I am, do you?'

'Well I do believe I bloody well said so, didn't I?' Petunia scoffed, placing two stiff hands on her narrow hips.

Severus frowned, pulling a small parcel out from his robe pocket and placing it on the table. 'Dumbledore gave me a task. To bring you whatever this is.'

Petunia's eyes bulged from her skull like tennis balls, and she plunged frantically into the chair. 'D-Dumbledore? You're—You're one of them?' She was clearly horrified, her voice lowering to a shrill hiss as though someone from the neighbourhood was standing by the windows to eavesdrop. "Of course! I should have known!"

Severus groaned, fingers tensing as they gripped his teacup handle. 'You have no idea who I am? Really?' he narrowed his eyes. 'The name's Snape. Severus Snape.'

Petunia recoiled, pulling back so quickly she splashed her tea across the table. Severus glared at the puddle as it threatened to pool under the parcel.

Petunia quickly grabbed a stray rag and mopped away the spill. 'Y-You're that disgusting boy from Cokesworth, aren't you? Yes, I ruddy well remember now. Lily's friend.'

He was their seedy-looking neighbour with a revolting reputation. As she rung out the cloth, Petunia looked up from the table and saw as the man's dark eyes suddenly reflected something of anger, and something of sadness.

But he didn't show it in his tone as he spoke calmly. 'And you're her rather untalented sister, Petunia Evans.'

'Dursley. It's Petunia Dursley now,' Petunia spat, turning to drop the wet cloth in the sink. 'And the word you're looking for is normal.'

'Right.'

She spun around in a rage and pointed a finger at him. 'Not right at all! I will be damned if some stranger, let alone—a freak—like you—comes out of nowhere and disrespects me in my own home—'

Petunia's rant was suddenly cut off by a shuffling sound. Petunia and Severus turned as the boy descended down the staircase, his unruly black hair barely masking his unsightly scar. He looked absolutely bewildered, bringing a hand up to his nose to steady his spectacles. The room fell silent as he looked between his aunt, then his professor, then his aunt again.

'Should I even bother to ask?' he said.

Petunia scowled. She had forgotten that the boy was home.

'I don't believe anyone invited your input, Potter,' Severus sneered. Petunia snapped her head towards the man, absolutely stunned. She could detect the negative energy that passed between them.

'Whatever.' Unwilling to endure the obvious tension, Harry continued to the base of the stairs and crossed the room, making his way to the front door. 'I'm going. I'll be back later.' The door opened and closed with a slam.

Petunia still had her mouth hanging ajar, eyes darting between the door and Severus. 'Odd. You don't seem fond of the boy,' she said confusedly.

'That's putting it mildly,' snorted Severus, finally taking a sip from his teacup.

'Is…is that so?' Petunia looked in a daze as she poured a fresh serving of tea into her newly empty cup.

Severus raised a brow. 'Surprised?'

Petunia shrugged, feigning indifference. 'I thought your lot—well, I mean it would be quite sensible to assume that you all…well you know—since you both have got …er, magic and all,' she had struggled to say the last part, and her mouth contorted oddly as though she had bit into a lemon.

Severus' mouth formed a slimy smile. 'I'll be honest. The boy disgusts me.'

Petunia set down her cup, placing a hand on her chest. 'Oh, dear me! I feel the same way!'

Severus crossed his arms, offering a cynical gaze. 'But, you're his aunt?'

Petunia cleared her throat, lightly patting her blond head. 'Well, that's neither here nor there, is it? Just a favour to my sister, I suppose. We're the only family he's got, really.'

Severus' expression hardened. 'Ah, your sister…'

'Lily,' Petunia said, as though he needed reminding.

No one spoke, and the room gave way to an awkward silence again. For some odd reason, Petunia felt mildly embarrassed and opted to shift the discussion away from Lily. Well, only slightly.

'You know, he just looks so much like his father,' she started, swirling gently at her tea with a spoon. 'That awful man.'

Severus frowned deeply, and his eyes were lit like flames. 'James Potter,' he spat, as though he spoke of the Devil himself.

Petunia felt a sudden wave of intrigue. 'You knew him?'

Severus sneered, 'Of course I knew that…conceited, obnoxious…'

'Good for nothing, low-down, filthy…' Petunia added.

'Arrogant, pretentious…' Severus continued.

'BASTARD!' They both had shouted at once.

The two fell into a lingering stare.

'You feel the same way?' Severus said quietly in awe.

'I thought nobody could ever understand,' Petunia responded, dropping her hands to her sides.

'I've never felt such a connection to a mere Muggle before,' Severus said, gazing rather intently into her eyes.

'I never thought I could hear that word and not feel offended,' Petunia noted, leaning in.

Why hadn't she seen it sooner? Suddenly that pale, ghastly face was beginning to look strangely handsome, and even that gigantic hooked nose, protruding unashamedly like a toucan's beak seemed like a rather attractive feature. She regarded that deep mark, the crater between his brows, his frown-line. He was manly, alluring and striking, like only the strictest drill sergeant. And something about that serious, no-nonsense tone of voice, like a fog horn—it commanded respect. He was nothing like that purple-faced, moustached, balding, greying tub of lard she had married. He was...magical.

Severus saw the look in her eyes. He couldn't recall the last time, or if ever, a woman had looked at him that way. He felt something arise within him.

Petunia shifted suddenly, clearly anxious. Her slender lips curled strangely. 'You know, my um, husband…Vernon…'

Severus felt his heart sink, but only slightly. 'Ah, yes. Him.'

'…He won't be home for a while, so uh. You know. I mean, if you wanted to…' she trailed off.

Snape was a skilled Legilimens. He knew exactly what she was thinking, and incidentally, he was thinking the same. 'Yes. Yes I do.'

This horse-faced, stick-thin, giraffe-necked, hay-haired woman.

She wasn't Lily.

But she would do.

The two instantly grabbed each other's hands, sniggering giddily like rebelling teenagers as they made their way up the stairs to the Master Bedroom.

'Oh, Severus…' she moaned, bony fingers gripping and clawing at his back.

'Oh, Petunia…' Severus mumbled back, one hand raking through her horse-hay hair and the other on her bony back.

'You have such…such busy hands,' she said breathlessly, but elatedly as he fumbled with her brassiere straps.

'Well, yes, I'm a master of many things, other than just potions it would seem,' Severus uttered, his heart ploughing through his chest.

Suddenly a door slammed.

'MA! I'M HOME,' shouted a voice from down the stairs.

Severus withdrew as Petunia stiffened like a plank of wood. 'OH—D-DUDDERS! UM…Y-YOU'RE HOME EARLY?' she screamed down the stairs.

'YEAH, WELL THE BOYS AND I FELT IT WAS TOO HOT OUT. WHAT'S FOR SUPPER? I'M HUNGRY,' the boy shouted back.

Petunia hastily zippered up the back of her dress, feeling flustered. 'Oh-y-yes, darling! Will be down…in-in a minute.'

Once Severus had finished buttoning up the front of his robes, he clumsily followed Petunia back down the stairs and into the den. A fat boy with a fat rosy-cheeked face and wisps of ash blond hair stared back at him with tiny, piggy eyes. Severus frowned. Damn. That boy sure was fat.

The boy didn't seem too fond of Severus either, for before he would even acknowledge his own mother, he leered at him. "Who's this prat?"

'Now, Dudley, mind your manners,' Petunia scolded, though curiously meek in tone.

The boy didn't look too bright, but he continued to direct a distrustful stare at Severus. 'Does Dad know he's here?'

Again. Another awkward silence. Petunia laughed nervously. It was a pain to the ear.

'Don't be silly, Duddykins. This is just the—uh—inspector. Right? Mr. Snape? Inspector Snape?' Petunia nudged Severus' arm with her elbow, as she gave him a pressing stare.

The black-haired wizard pursed his lip. He had almost forgotten he was in the midst of Muggles again. He supposed he'd have to play this game. 'Inspection. Right. Everything is…in working order.' He glanced at Petunia and their eyes locked. She grinned, her cheeks blooming red as though stained with beet juice.

'Inspector? Inspector of what?' Dudley persisted, clearly still sceptical of the whole affair. If only he knew. It was literally…an affair.

'Yes, well, I best be going,' Severus said at last, turning swiftly for the door.

'Allow me to see you out.' Petunia followed after him, leaving her hapless son behind in the den. He seemed to finally give way to indifference as he shrugged and headed for the refrigerator.

The two stood at the entrance where it had all begun. Severus on the outside, prepared to leave; Petunia on the inside, not quite ready to shut the door.

'Well, I suppose this is…good-bye?' Severus said finally.

'Yes, well…' Petunia lowered her eyes. 'I…suppose. I mean, it really doesn't have to be—'

'Your husband will be home any moment. Vernon, I believe he's named?' Severus said, noting the slightest setting of the sun.

Petunia hesitated for a moment, then nodded weakly 'Of course. Right. Him.'

Severus smiled. 'It was nice seeing you.'

Petunia didn't say anything as he walked away. She knew what he was going to do. He was going to disappear into thin air like those magic-folk always did. She noticed the street was clear, so she opted to take the chance.

'Don't be a stranger—"Inspector".' Petunia called after him.

Severus half-turned, with his large nose the focal point of his profile and his greasy hair that was much too limp to blow romantically in the wind. He still looked dazzling against the orange sky. To Petunia anyway.

'Never was a stranger,' he said.

And with a swish of his robe, the man was off, walking briskly until he disappeared into the sunset.