Hey, everyone! Miharu and Mitsuki here! This is our very first collab together, please enjoy, and don't forget to review… We have pie? :D -shot repeatedly in the head with a bazooka carried by Usa-chan-
Oh, and we don't own Ouran High School Host Club. (Though we wished we did, if only for the twins and all the uncharacteristically large strawberries on top of Hunny's cakes…)
-Miha-chan and Mitsu-chan
Chapter One: Starting today, you are Bob!
"I had sexual intercourse with a wild alpaca last Tuesday…" Rei suddenly announced out of the blue, flicking a recently cut, shaggy dark brown lock of hair behind her ear, her dark brown, near black, eyes serious.
"Oh, did you now?" Tohru said in a calm tone, acting as if that was not the weirdest thing she had ever heard. "Why?" she asked after a pregnant pause, twirling a short lock of orange hair behind her ear, her bright blue eyes quizzical.
"Just to see what it was like. Plus, the alpaca gave me a dollar." Rei said seriously.
"You cheap skank!" Tohru yelled, pinching her friend's cheek. "Charge more! I mean, an alpaca?! That's some nasty shit you have to deal with!"
"Pfff, please. You're just jealous 'cause you didn't get a turn with Fernando." Rei countered smugly.
Tohru snorted. "You named your imaginary alpaca?"
"He's real, I tell you! Real!" Rei shouted, making everyone sitting around the two on the plane stare at her as if (and she was) crazy.
Anyhow, you're probably wondering why: 1: where these weirdoes came from, 2: where they're going, 3: why they are, and 4: why the heck Rei had sex with Fernando the Alpaca. Well, here are the answers:
1: They hail from the faraway kingdom of Canada… Eh. (And no, they do not live in igloos, though they both think it'd be awesome)
2: They're going to Japan, or, more precisely, Ouran Academy.
3: They're going to Ouran Academy, disguised as boys, because they made a bet with a few friends that they could do it. Winners get the losers to buy them pocky for a whole year. (That stuff isn't cheap, you know)
4: Because Fernando is better than you'll ever be. Deal.
"Okay, passengers, the plane will be landing in two minutes." Someone announced.
"Geez, that was such a predictable, normal announcement." Tohru rolled her eyes. Both avoided normal like the bubonic plague.
"Yeah, they should make an announcement like…" Rei thought it over. The plane landed, and just as the voice was about to announce it, the two got up and started dancing like spazzes, singing:
"I'm not wearing underwear today!
No I'm not wearing underwear today!
Not that you'll probably care,
Much about my underwear!
Still none the less I've gotta say:
That I'm not wearing underwear
To—Daaaayyyy!"
"Get a job!" Tohru yelled teasingly.
"Thank you!" Rei winked, showing the thumbs-up.
"Well, Japan flight, you've been a simply lovely audience," Tohru started, curtseying.
"But I'm afraid we must take our leave now, ta-ta!" Rei finished, curtseying as well. They skipped off the plane and hailed a taxi to take them to their house, luggage crammed in between them. The rest was with the movers.
"Tohru, I'm boooorrrreeeddddddd!" Rei whined once they were inside.
Tohru rolled her eyes. "Then go make love to Fernando. What am I supposed to do about it?!" She was starting to get annoyed.
Rei seemed to consider it, and turned, as if asking Fernando's permission. She turned back to Tohru, grin in place.
"Fernando and I would like to know if you wanted to join us." She said simply.
"…Go to your room! Fernando, don't foll—Oh for Christ's sake, now I'm talking to him!" Tohru groaned, kicking Rei into her bedroom and locking the door. She headed outside to greet the movers.
The next day
"Rei? Rei! REEEIIIIII! Get up now! Or do I have to kick the door down?!" Tohru yelled, gazing at the digital clock in horror. They had ten minutes, not nearly enough time to get ready, but they were going to try anyway.
"Ugh," she heard Rei groan from the other side of the door, and said girl opened it to see Rei in full uniform (if not a little sloppily), rubbing her eyes tiredly.
"Come on! We're late as it is!" Tohru yelled at her, and Rei shot out the door and got on her skateboard, tossing Tohru hers.
"Lezzgo, Harry." Rei grinned.
Tohru smiled. "Sure thing, Ron." (Names based on intellect level. Now you know)
They zoomed into Ouran, still on their skateboards, and literally broke through the door to their first class and continued to argue.
(Note: Bolded sentences means they're speaking English, which these students in this class don't understand.)
"Harry Potter gets more chicks. He's the frikkin' chosen one." Tohru said, sending her best friend a smirk.
"Yeah, well, well, well… Ron gets to make love to Hermione, Ginny and Tonks!" Rei yelled back.
"Since when?!"
"Since I read that lemon on Fanfiction,net!"
"You read a lemon on ?!"
"…Noooo…"
"Pervert."
"Nyah!" Rei stuck her tongue out, then, facing the confused students, winked, flashed a dazzling grin to the ladies (who swooned in reply), and introduced himself. "Yo, Rei Fujiwara here! Nice to meetcha!"
"And I'm Tohru Matsuo." Tohru announced with an identical wink and grin. (causing another round of swooning.)
"And we're…" they said together, but then paused, trying to think of something.
"Attractive?" Tohru tried.
"Weird?" Rei said.
"Oh! I know!" Tohru chirped.
"I am reading your mind, my friend." Rei said wisely.
"Sexyfine! / from Canada!" were heard at the same time. Rei the former, Tohru the latter.
Tohru turned to her friend. "Sexyfine?" she said. "Really?"
Rei grinned proudly. The teacher facepalmed. He thought these girls were intelligent. After all, they had gotten in on a partial scholarship… He looked at their files. Ah, there we go. Tohru Matsuo was on a writing scholarship, while Rei Fujiwara was on an arts scholarship. He taught math, airgo: his life would be hell from this second on. Suddenly, he couldn't wait for his students to graduate…
"Well, take a seat in front of Mr. Fujioka. Mr. Fujioka, would you raise your hand, please?" the teacher said, and a doe-eyed boy raised his hand. A few girls giggled mindlessly for no apparent reason as they passed by them and into their new seats.
"Pssssstttt, Tohru…." Rei whispered loudly. Tohru turned around, irritated expression on her face.
"What?"
"Ring ring"
"Hello?" Tohru grinned.
"Ring ring"
"He-Hello?" Tohru said louder.
"Ring ring"
"Hello?"
"Ring ring"
"Hell—"
"You have a bad connection!" they yelled in unison, then started up again after a pause.
"Ring ring"
"Hello?"
"Ring ring"
"Hell-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo!~" Tohru said.
"Fujiwara! Matsuo! Don't make me punish you on your first day here!" the teacher yelled.
"Don't do anything you don't wanna do, Bob." Tohru said nonchalantly.
"Bob?!" the teacher said incredulously.
"Ah! He answered to it!" They snicked in unison, then pointed their fingers dramatically at him. "Starting today, you are Bob!"
The teacher's left eye twitched as he facepalmed, and Rei and Tohru slapped a high five before opening their notebooks to doodle and write.
A certain pair of twins two rows behind them smirked.
"Well, Kaoru, what do you think?" Hikaru asked his brother.
"I think they have potential." Kaoru answered with a devious smirk.
"Of course, you mean," Hikaru started.
"As our new toys." Kaoru finished.
When the final bell for the day mercifully rang, the twins approached Rei and Tohru, who were talking about something in English they didn't understand.
"No, you are wrong! CSI Miami is so much better than CSI New York!" Rei said stubbornly.
"Nu-uh!" Tohru said.
"Yeah-huh!" Rei shouted back.
"Nooo, CSI New York has better character depth, and, and…" Tohru argued.
"Yeah, well, CSI Miami has most logical deaths, and there's better conclusions, and more drama, and, and…" Rei trailed off, taking a deep breath. An awkward silence took over.
"…"
"…"
"…What were we talking about, again?" They asked each other in unison, laughing at themselves.
Hikaru and Kaoru sweatdropped.
"Even though we couldn't understand that, we have a feeling it was something completely stupid that you were just talking about." They said in unison, making the two girls dressed as guys jump and whirl to face them in surprise.
"What do you two want?" Tohru asked politely, trying in vain to conceal her blush as she looked the two over secretly.
"We want you," Hikaru started.
"To come to the," Kaoru continued.
"Third music room." They both finished.
"Right now?" Tohru said, eyebrow raised in both irritation and curiosity. Was it really so important they came?
"Yes, right now." The twins replied slowly, as if they were stupid.
"Fine, fine. We'll go there in a few minutes." Rei said with an irritated smile, and watched in amazement as the twins disappeared. "How'd they do that?"
"I think they just walked away superfast." Tohru replied, sighing at her friend.
"No, I mean that when they were talking, they had sparkles surrounding them!" Rei yelled back.
Tohru thought it over for a moment. "Now that is a profound mystery indeed."
"So, shall we?" Rei grinned, getting on her skateboard.
Tohru grinned, holding the thumbs-up. "Let's." She replied, getting on her skateboard.
And they rolled to the third music room with such superhuman speed that they couldn't stop at the door and crashed into it, falling down, and unconscious.
The hosts opened the door. "Welco—What the--?"
The two got up and dusted themselves off.
"Yo." Tohru said.
"Wassup, home skillet?" Rei continued.
"Home… skillet? Haruhi, what is a home-skillet? Is it some sort of commoner slang? Is it a type of food? I want to try it! Buy some for us, would you?" Tamaki freaked out, getting excited at the end.
"Senpai, you're being an idiot again." Haruhi deadpanned, sending Tamaki to his emo corner.
"Well, at any rate, welcome to the Ouran Host Club…" Kyoya paused with an evil smile. "…Sirs…"
Uh-Oh… SPAGHETTI-O!~
Haha, how'd you guys like our first chapter, huh? :D Tell us in a review, please! It would be much appreciated!~
Thoughts while writing this chapter:
"I want a go with Fernando…" –Miharu
"I could really use a dollar…" –Mitsuki
"Hey, Mitsuki?" –Miharu
"Yes?" –Mitsuki
"I'm not wearing underwear today." –Miharu
-Eye twitch- -Mitsuki
"KIDDING!" –Miharu
"What's wrong with reading lemons?!" –Miharu
"If you have to ask, you'll never know." –Mitsuki
-Reading page four- "Finally! The twins show up!" –Miharu and Mitsuki
"Tamaki's kind of like a semi-retarded puppy, isn't he?" –Mitsuki
"If he was, he'd use that excuse to hump Haruhi." –Miharu
"…" –eye twitch- -Mitsuki