Title: A Heart Worth Breaking
Author: Harmony
Rating: R. I'm not great with ratings, but the language is kinda colourful in places
Description: I was inspired by a spoiler I read, and Nickelback's "How you Remind me". Spike's heart is broken. Pretty angsty.
Disclaimer: If you want it, take it. Just e-mail me to tell me where it's going.
---
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick inside without a sense of feeling
I waited for her to appear. I've only just heard the news.
She's just had to kick Willow out of her house.
I was desperately hoping she wouldn't arrive tonight. That maybe she wouldn't need me to comfort her through her pain. This was her final chance to prove she wasn't using me and she blew it.
But here she is. Her beautiful face is full of worry. Parts of me, a lot of me, wants to hold her. To take her down to my bed, and do whatever it takes to make her a little happier.
The other parts want to do exactly what I'm going to do tonight.
Buffy hasn't said anything. She looks a little afraid, confused. I haven't played the puppy today. I haven't dropped my life to cheer her up. I'm in a confrontational mood to put it in the very loosest terms. I'm furious. I'm pissed.
She sees the bag in my hand, and her eyes widen ever so slightly.
"Why'd you do it?"
I realise my voice is heavy with tears, and booze that's taking too long to work.
Buffy looks up, shaking her head.
"What? What...did I do?"
And this is how you remind meTo me, she sounds like she knows exactly what's going on. I think she knows I figured it out. Why she turns up here, wanting something that she knows I'll give her. I played dumb for a while. I pretended that she needed me, because she liked me...loved me. But I always knew that wasn't why she came to me.
"You thought I wouldn't realise? Why you come here?"
If she didn't know before, she knows now. Her mouth hangs open, and I just know she is trying to find a way to make this my fault.
Her mouth closes again. She can't think of anything. She knows this is her fault.
"Why'd you decide to get a problem with it?"
So I was wrong. God, she can be so cold. I'm also more angry than I've ever been with anyone in my entire life, dead or alive.
"Decide? No, Buffy, I didn't decide. I wouldn't wish this on my enemies dog"
This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am
She has dropped out of her confrontational stance, and she sort of slumps. Her arms drop to her sides, and her head hangs. She knows she shouldn't have said that.
"It's not what you think..."
I'm so angry that her sad little face is having no effect on me whatsoever. I think I stopped caring about her feelings.
"Tell me...what do I think? Do you even care? Do you even give a fuck?"
I've dropped the bag now, and I reach for the half empty bottle of tequila. I take a huge long mind blurring swig. She watches me, with a look of fear on her face.
"Of course I do"
Oh well, problem solved then.
"Uh huh. And is that why you cry yourself to sleep after we have a good screw?"
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
She reels back as if I just slapped her. Fresh tears stream down her face, and she wraps her arms around her waist.
"See either way you look at it, you messed this up, Buffy"
She just looks up at me, and I waver. I just started caring about her feelings again. This is going to be harder than I want it to be.
"I...don't know what I can say. I don't want to hurt you"
And for the first time tonight, I think she actually does feel something for me. She's telling the truth, because she knows lies won't work with me. I know her far too well.
"Probably not. But you have hurt me, you are hurting me now, and if I carry on like this, you will hurt me more. Just tell me..."
I pause because she stands up again, and steps towards me. I step backwards. I'm keeping a distance between us.
"What do you want to know?"
I close my eyes. Either she's the worlds best actress, or she actually wants to sort this out, so everything is okay between us.
"What are you crying about? When I'm holding you..."
And I've been wrong, I've been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
scream ,"Are we having fun yet?"
A sob escapes from my throat, shocking us both.
"Is it because you regret what we keep doing?"
Buffy is crying again, and she reaches for the bottle in my hand. I give it to her, and she takes a small sip, and wipes her mouth with her sleeve. She takes a breath and...
"I regret my reasons"
It's a small silver lining on a black black storm cloud.
"You only come to me for comfort"
I'm resigned to that fact now. Hence the bag, and the car I just got out of storage.
She nods, slowly.
"What exactly do you feel for me?"
Buffy swallows, and I take the bottle from her hand again. I swig again.
"I...don't know"
It hurts that I know she's lying. I know she feels something for me. She may be using me, but I know she feels something for me. I can tell even now, by the look of determination that was quickly replaced by an inability to say the words. I can't stay around if she would rather admit she was using me, than tell me how she really feels. I bend for my bag again, and she eyes it nervously.
"I can't stay. You know that"
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so badCause living with me must have damn near killed you
She gasps. It obviously sounds worse actually hearing me say it. A tear rolls down her face, and she grabs my wrist
"I'm sorry...please. You can't go. We can sort this out. Please, Spike"
I look down at her hand, and up to her face. Tears roll down my face as well. She's using all the strength in her small body to keep me there.
I try to move away, hoping she'd let go. She just holds on. It's childish, but it's working to break me down.
"Let me go, Buffy"
This is how you remind me of what I really am
I grit my teeth, and she looks at her hand on my arm.
"I don't want you to go"
This is how you remind me of what I really am
The hand moves away, and drops to her side.
"I don't care what you want, because I gave you my unbeating heart, and you just squeezed until it died again"
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
It's poetic in a way. She pulls the bottle from my hand. I can't tell what she plans to do with it. There's nothing left in it.
"I need you, Spike"
And I've been wrong, I've been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
scream ,"Are we having fun yet?"
I move forward again, but stop when I hear glass smashing. The bottle lies in pieces at the bottom of one of the walls.
"You need comfort. If Xander would give it to you, you'd get it from him. I just happen to be the only single man you know well enough to have sex with"
Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Buffy grabs me again, and tries to kiss me into staying. I resist, and push her away. She sprawls to the floor. Mental pain cancels out the physical pain it causes.
"Spike...I love you"
I stop at the door. She finally said what she'd come so close to saying before. Unfortunately, my pride and ego have taken over all sense, and I do something completely stupid. I brush it off.
It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so badCause living with me must have damn near killed you
"You can't love when you lost your soul...isn't that what you kept telling me?"
I slam the door behind me, and I walk away. I can hear her smashing my crypt up, screaming and crying all the time. Buffy just told me she loved me, and I'm walking away. I'm a deeply stupid man.
It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking
---
I wrecked the top half of his crypt.
He's going to be so pissed off if he comes back, to find me sitting on his bed, when there's a fire burning upstairs. I knocked one of the candles out place, and set fire to his sofa.
My eyes are sore, and my throat is shot to pieces. I've never cried so much in my life. Not even for Angel.
I found a letter on his pillow. It had my name on it. I thought about ripping it to pieces, but I saved it.
I'm wrapped in his comforter, punishing myself with his scent.
I sniffle and wipe my eyes, before opening the envelope. The paper is crumpled, and the ink is smudged in places. He'd been crying.
"Buffy,
So you turned up. I was ready to burn this if you didn't appear, because everything I have written would be irrelevant.
I'd still be here, if I thought you came to me because you loved me.
It didn't work out like that. I knew you'd come. I knew from the first time you kissed me outside the Bronze. You'd never love me.
You're probably angry now. Maybe with me, maybe with yourself.
Don't be. I'm not angry with you. I don't hate you. I understand, and I am glad I could be there for you.
The night I heard you crying. It wasn't the once. It was every single time you slept in my bed.
I can't stay knowing that when I'm making love to you, you just need a shoulder to cry on.
I love you too much to live like that.
I don't know where I'm headed.
All my love,
Spike"
I fold the letter and put it in my pocket.
I can't stick around this place. It cuts me up inside.
I love him, and he's gone.
Story of my life.