ATTN: Hey guys, so I have a feeling that some people won't like the story because it puts Derek in an awful position... I know it's really out of character for him seeing that he grew up with so many women. He should definitely be a woman-lover not a woman-beater but in this story, I reached deeper into his hatred of feeling inferior to his female counterparts. We, as a fandom, have witnessed this in both of his marriages with Addison and Meredith. I decided to use that as an inspiration for this story and dig a little deeper making him the man I needed for this story... I know I'm a little harsh with Derek's character but the story isn't really about him. It's about Addison and her journey through recovery... And in order for that to happen we need a bad guy... I apologize for exaggerating his character flaws but it was just needed for the storyline so please don't hate me too much guys. Again, I put a Trigger Warning on this story since it is a difficult read. This story is very close to my heart and if you have any suggestions, please suggest away. With that said, enjoy the story.

"I was thinking I would keep waiting for life to get easier. You know, lower stakes, less risk, easier. And I was thinking, maybe it doesn't. Maybe the struggle, the climb, one obstacle after another... maybe that's just life." - Addison Montgomery

Chapter 1: In Which Derek is Neither Loving Nor Dreamy

It had been a long day at Mt. Sanai but it was relaxing and refreshing, well at least according to me. I had back-to-back-to-back surgeries all day and not once did I have to leave the OR. The patients just came to me and I'd love if every day could be like that. When I'm in surgery, I'm forced to forget about all my pain and the mess that is my life. The OR is the only place I feel completely at ease; I feel like it's the only time I get to be myself. It's the only time I don't constantly think about why my husband ignores me and never comes home; why he always sends his best friend home with excuses for important dates like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. I heard some nurses gossiping about how he feels inferior to me in the workplace. It never dawned on me that he was jealous that I was better at my job than he was… and it's not like I am even trying. I'm just doing the thing that I love; giving little babies their chance at life. I can't dumb myself down for his ego... I just can't.

I pull up at our house and park. I can't wait to have myself a nice glass of wine. Instead when I walk in, I find, much to my surprise, my husband in the fridge.

"Hey honey," I say softly with a smile, "what are you doing here?"

"What? I can't come to my own home?" he says angrily.

"Der, you know that's not what I..."

"Oh just shut it," he says slamming the refrigerator door closed.

Usually when he'd get like this I would try to talk to him and find out what's wrong but I'm tired of always trying to make sure he's okay when he never does that for me. He rarely comes home to begin with so instead of talking to him, I just makes my way upstairs to our bedroom. Already have eaten dinner at the hospital, I change into one of Derek's big t-shirts and get ready for bed. Normally at this time, I'd be having myself a glass a wine while watching some 1950's romantic movie as I cry myself to sleep. Normally, Derek wouldn't be home... This is rare. After washing my make-up off, I go over to my dresser to look for some socks. Derek comes upstairs soon after and I guess seeing me bent over in his t-shirt turned him on because he walks over to me and starts kissing me on my neck. I'm growing infuriated... Although we haven't had sex in months, he decides this would be as good of a time as ever to have sex with his wife. I hate when he does this; this acting like everything's okay and he's done nothing wrong. Derek rarely comes home and when he is home he acts like I'm not even here. He finds everything else to do to not be in the same room with me. I'm upset and he should know. I'm not going to let him walk all over me. He tries to kiss me on my lips but I don't kiss him back. I don't even think he noticed because now he's going for my panties.

"Derek, stop." I say pushing his hand away.

"What the fuck, Addison?"

"I'm not having sex with you. You can't possibly walk around here acting like nothing's wrong. You haven't been home and when you are home, you ignore me! You ignore me at the hospital and at the practice too! What makes you think everything's just going to miraculously change tonight?" I pause and then I stress, "We haven't had sex in nearly eight months, Derek."

He looks at me and smirks then walks up to me whispering in my ear, "That's why we're having sex now."

He tugs at my underwear again and I push his hand away, "Seriously, Derek, no."

I see his hand come up and next thing I know, I'm on the floor crying and my face is stinging. I didn't even see it happen... Did he just hit me?

"Derek!" I scream in between sobs. I can't believe he just hit me. I get up off the floor wanting to kill him but instead I run towards the door. I'm trying to go somewhere and compose myself but before I know it, Derek has me pinned in a corner yelling at me. I can't even hear what he's saying over my tears. I watch in horror as his eyes grow infuriated. I've never seen him so angry before. He grabs me by my face and I cry out, "Derek, please, just leave me alone."

"Shut up!" He yells at me still holding onto my face, "Shut the fuck up and stop crying! Just stop, Addison!"

I try to stop crying but it's uncontrollable. Maybe I'm still in shock? I just can't believe he actually hit me.

"You're my wife. If I want to have sex with you, I will have sex with you," he takes me by the arm and basically slings me towards the bed. I trip over his shoes, that are in the middle of the floor, falling short and getting hit in the stomach by the bed frame.

Oh god, that's going to leave a bruise. He pulls me by the first thing he can grab onto which is my hair and throws me onto the bed. I can hear him taking off his shirt and unbuckling his belt.

I can't stop crying but somehow I manage to scream in between my sobs,"Please, Derek, just stop. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. Just stop."

"Addison, please don't make this worse. Just shut up," he says taking off his pants and underwear. He snatches off my underwear which rips them and literally shoves himself inside of me. I scream out in pain and it only makes him stroke harder as he pins me down by my neck, "I told you to just shut up."

After that, I try my hardest not to scream again but silent tears just trickle down my face. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is Derek. This isn't right... I cry harder and harder until he's done. It felt like hours had gone by and I'd try to close my eyes and pretend I wasn't there but it didn't work. Instead, I just laid there... I couldn't even fight. I just laid there crying while every part of me just washed away. I disgust myself... I feel numb and I confirm that I actually am numb when Derek finishes then pushes me off the bed. I didn't feel it when I hit the ground.

"I'm going to shower and go back to the hospital," he looked me up and down then smirked, "You should really clean yourself up, Addison." He walked away and into the bathroom. I just sat there on the floor until he showered and left. I don't ever move from the floor.

I don't know how long I sat there but when I finally come to and get up off the floor I look at my phone seeing seven missed calls all from my bestfriend and its nearly five in the afternoon of the next day. I just put down my phone and go to the bathroom. I want to scrub every inch of him off of me. I start the shower and I take off his t-shirt carefully as I turn around to grab my towel but I see a glimpse of someone in the mirror. It takes a minute for me to realize that this is my reflection. I look like how I feel: dead. I step closer to the mirror and I can see the dark red bruises on the back of my neck and huge purple bruise on my stomach. You can even see his handprint on my face but it's faded some. Staring into the mirror, my reflection literally makes me sick. I run over to the toilet and throw up my insides.

I'm not sure how long it is before I finish emptying my insides and get into the shower but I'm in there for at least two hours. I scrubbed my body over and over again until every inch of my skin was burning and red. I tried to wash everything that just happened to me away but I was unsuccessful. The memories are still there… The bruises are still here, too… At least I can't feel the pain I'm in. When I finally come out the shower, I see that it's nearly eight thirty. I decide to get dressed into a sweater and some leggings.

I hear a knock at my door and it scares me at first but I know it's not Derek because he would've just came inside. When the knocking doesn't stop, I go and open up the door revealing my best friend, Savannah. I try to smile at my friend but smiling seems so foreign to me. She notices immediately something's wrong but tries to beat around it.

"Hey, what's going on? You didn't show up to work today and didn't answer any of my calls. I figured that maybe you were sick and slept in all day so I stopped by with soup and saltines," she waves the crackers and the already made soup. I invite her in and shut the door behind her. Savannah puts the food down on the counter then looks at me funny and questions, "Addison, are you okay?"

It's the first time I've heard my name since last night when he attacked me and it just takes me back to that moment. I nod to answer her because words seem to escape me right now. Savannah looks at me and I feel uneasy; almost faint. "Addie, honey, you're not okay," she walks up to me and takes me by the arms. It makes me jump and that startles her, "Oh, love, what's going on?"

We walk back to my bedroom and have a seat on my bed. "Honey, you're starting to scare me now. I admit I was worried when you wouldn't answer my calls but now I'm really scared. Please talk to me."

"I-," I choke out and then all of a sudden another round of tears spill out. I didn't think I had any tears left as much as I cried. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Ssh, stop crying sweetie," she holds me in her arms. "Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong."

"I did," I cry, "I really did."

"Love, what do you mean?" she pulls me up to look me in my eyes.

I hate when she does this. When she looks me in the eyes like this, it makes me tell her every secret I've ever kept in my life. It just makes me cry harder. It's then that she notices the back of my neck. Her eyes grow wide as she moves my hair over to the side to get a better look. She gasps and then cries out, "Addison!"

The yelling of my name freaks me out and I close my eyes then the memories come rushing back. When I finally find the words they just rush out, "Derek, I made him mad. I didn't mean too. I was just trying to talk. He wanted to have sex with me after he hadn't been home in months. I told him 'no' and said that he can't just walk around and act like nothing's wrong. He tried getting me to have sex with him again and I pushed him away. He got so angry, Savvi." I cry even harder as I try to continue, "I'd never seen him so angry… He hit me and when I tried to leave he- he pushed me into the bed and then... he... then... he raped me."

"Addie..." I look up to see Savannah in tears and it only makes me cry harder.

"I'm sorry, Savvi."

"No, Addie, love, I'm sorry." She hugs on a little too tight to me and it hurts my stomach from the huge bruise on it. Savannah notices and immediately lifts up my shirt. The sight makes her cry even harder, "We're getting out of here right now."

She gets up, grabs one of my oversized suitcases and starts throwing all of my clothes and shoes into it. I just sit there crying. Talking about it brought back all the pain that I felt when it was happening. The memory is still so vivid seeing that it only happened last night. I want to forget. I need to forget.

I don't know how long later it is when Savannah taps me on the shoulder. I look up to see her with two big suitcases and her hand extended out to me. "Come on, sweetie. I'm going to make sure you're safe."

It's a pretty quiet trip. I've been staring out my window this whole time. I feel like I'll start crying again if I look at my best friend. I haven't said a word since I told her what happened. I don't know how long we've been driving for but when I look up I realize we're on a highway. We don't need to take the highway to get to Savanah's. She and Weiss live down the street from me and Derek so I know we're not going there. I finally look over to her and see her staring hard at the road. She looks at me for a second and smiles softly before turning back to the road.

"You're probably wondering where we're going but um, you see," she says glancing over at me before looking back to the road, "I don't know yet. I want to get you as far away from Derek as possible while trying not to alarm everyone but I don't know how that's going to work. I was thinking maybe we could go to L.A. for a little bit... visit Naomi, hang out on the beach and maybe get our plans together but then I'd have to call Weiss and I can't make any promises that Weiss wouldn't try to kill Derek."

I just stare at her blankly. I'm not even sure I heard anything she said. I'm so out of it. I don't feel anything anymore and honestly, I couldn't care less about what happens to Derek. I just never want to see him again. I shrug my shoulders and I turn back to look out my window.

"What are you saying? Is that what you want me to do?" She pauses I guess waiting for me to say something but I don't have anything to say. I don't even have any thoughts. My mind is completely blank and I numb again. "Addie, love, please talk to me."

When I still don't respond, it seems as though she's gone ahead and made a decision because she stops trying to ask me. In about another 30 minutes, we pull up at the airport and grab both of my suitcases. I noticed that Savannah has nothing but her emergency overnight bad for just in case she fell asleep at my place and got called in work the next morning. It's nice that she's here for me in this moment but I feel like I need to be alone; I need to recollect myself because right now I just feel lost and I'm not sure I even want to be found.

The flight to L.A. was 6 hours long and it was pretty quiet I think. I was totally zoned out in my world of nothingness but it was late at night when we boarded the plane so I'm assuming it was quiet. Savannah was asleep the whole ride there and me... I just sat there staring blankly out the window feeling nothing... Thinking nothing. I am blank... inside and out. I don't know how to be Addison anymore. Even hearing my name haunts me... What am I doing? I don't know if I can live like this much longer.

Savannah is calling a cab when I finally come back to reality. She looks at me and smiles lovingly then holds my hand. It's slightly comforting but at the same time I don't want to be touched. I don't say anything though... When a cab comes to a stop in front of us, the driver gets out and helps us get my luggage into the trunk. We get into the back and Savannah gives him the address to Naomi's house. I look at my phone for the first time since we left and I see that it's four fifty seven in the morning. I don't even think Naomi's awake this early. It's still dark out.

It's not long before we arrive outside of Naomi's house. Savannah pays the tab and we get my suitcases out of the trunk then the cab takes off down the street. We walk up to Naomi's door and Savannah knocks. It takes a minute before Naomi comes to the door with sleep still in her eyes and she still in her nightgown. She smiles at us and hugs us both before letting us inside. She closes the door and we follow her into the living room.

"Not that I'm not happy to see my two favorite ladies, but what are you guys doing here? Especially this early in the morning," she yawns. "I didn't know you two were coming. Do you have somewhere to stay? I have two guest rooms that you are welcome to stay in. Oh, Maya's going to be so excited to you both of you."

When neither of us answers her question, she instantly knows there's something bigger going on. She shifts, "Guys, what's going on?"

Savannah looks at me and I start getting that uneasy feeling again. Naomi looks from Savannah to me and I shift uncomfortably while closing my eyes. I can't go through this again. I don't want to remember it and to do that, I can't keep talking about it.

"Addison?" Naomi asks.

"Please stop calling me that," I say a little harsher than intended. Naomi and Savannah look at me shocked. Honestly, I'm a little shocked myself. "I'm sorry. I'm just... I..."

Savannah holds my hand and looks at me, "Sweetheart, you can do this. You have to. I wish I could do it for you but I can't. This is your story. You can choose to let it all go now. Your best friends are here. You are safe, love."

I shake my head at her words. I don't want to speak. I don't want to talk about it. She can't make me do this. I won't allow it, "I- I can't. I don't want to talk about."

"Addis-" Naomi starts but I cut her off.

"Stop! Please," I scream, "don't call me that."

"Addie, what's going on?"

"Whenever you say my name, it just reminds of Derek's yelling."

"You and Derek are fighting?" Naomi asks and wondering why we're here she continues, "Oh my god! Did he hit you?"

I can't look at her. I stare at the floor and I nod. I hear her gasp and run towards me. She engulfs me in a hug and it hurts my stomach. She pulls back and looks at me seeing the pain on my face, "Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you? Where does it hurt?"

I lift up my shirt and I watch Naomi's face turn horrid, "Oh my god. Addie, you need to go to the hospital. You could have some broken ribs."

I shake my head and I look down to the floor. She puts her hand down on my legs and it makes me flinch. She takes her hand back quickly then looks at me in the eyes, "Addie," she begins to cry, "did he do something else?"

"He... He," I try to say what he did to me but the word literally won't come out. I look back at the ground. I can't say it.

"Oh, honey, you don't have to say it," Naomi says and finally I can breathe again. She grabs my hand and squeezes it, "Addis- Sorry, Addie, you are so strong. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I'm about to go to New York and kill Derek."

"I don't think that would be wise at this moment, Na. That's why we came here. We're trying to figure out what our next plan is," Savannah speaks up.

"You should've gone to the police. He's not getting away with this," Naomi says as she walks towards the kitchen and Savannah follows.

"That's still an option. It's just," Savannah gets a little quieter but I can still hear her, "Addie, she won't talk to anyone. She barely talks to me. This is the first time I've heard her speak since she told me what happened last night. She's different, Naomi. This has changed her so much already. Imagine what toll it's going to take on her in the long run. I'm scared for her."

Naomi grabs a pot of coffee, I guess off the maker, and pours three cups. Savannah grabs her cup and Naomi walks over to me and hands me a cup. She looks at me and smiles softly as she wipes her eyes, "Addie, what can I do? What do you need?"

I don't know what I need. I probably need to drink or take some pill that would put me to sleep. I haven't slept since the night before he assaulted me. So that makes this day three... Honestly, I just need to forget everything that happened then I'll be fine. Is there something I can take for that? I look at the mug she placed in my hand and I feel like it should be steaming hot on my skin but I feel nothing. I realized then that I couldn't cry anymore. I'm emotionally drained and dehydrated. I look up at Naomi, "I need to lay down."