Author's Note: First of all, I'd like to thank Leslie for her suggestions and input and for being the primary person responsible for getting me hooked on Chicago PD. And also for being so encouraging! I'd also like to thank Imani, Sarah, Lucy and Mari – who have been my biggest cheerleaders. I love you guys. Thank you for being the reason I keep writing.

Be gentle, this is my first time writing Voight. He's a hard nut to crack.

And sorry for the title. I couldn't think of anything better. Suggestions welcome.

Disclaimer: Bolded dialogue belongs to a certain deceased serial killer. Any recognizable dialogue and the characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. No profit is being made. I just needed to quench some major Benoight thirst.

STAND BY YOU

Chapter One: Every Time I Think You Die, You Come Back Again

….There were also ligature marks on her legs and ankles indicating she had been bound...

Despite her best efforts, Olivia Benson can't keep from flinching, her knuckles whitening on her lap, hands clenched. Barba had warned her that this was going to be hard, he had worried about her in that way he always did – ever since she had been kidnapped by Lewis he had become rather protective.

Her mind flashes back to the rope and duct tape in the trunk of that car. The blood.

Suck it down, suck it down, detective.

Yates is talking now and telling his counselor that Nadia had wanted to get in the car with him, had been terrified for her life, that Voight had been raping her. That she had gone with him of her own volition.

We drank together, we took drugs together, we played with each other sexually...

These sexual injuries to Nadia Decotis, could that be attributed to active prostitution?

So it was more of a flirtation.

She wanted me to get in the car with her...she was distraught...wanted to get away.

You might just hear a sound, but you still think of me.

The bile rises in her throat. Oh God, she thinks, not here, not now. Please. Not now. And she bites her lip to keep her focus. Nadia deserved no less.

Out of the side of her eye, she sees Voight looking at her. Had she made a sound? She hadn't thought so but she really needed to be more careful. He never knew what had happened to her and she doesn't want him to know. The suffering, the humiliation, no.

….Maybe you shouldn't be in here.

"Mr. Barba, not to put words in your mouth, but I'm willing to entertain an objection."

Yates continues to push Melinda, asked detailed, graphic questions about Nadia's final moments. His voice is soft, caressing the description of her terror and fear, a timber of excitement underlying his words. Melinda looks perplexed but as a dawning awareness comes over her face, Yates bellows in her face.

"Come on, doctor, we're both medical people. Use your knowledge!" Tell me all about it, every single detail..

Is that arousal in his voice?

Pushing down her nausea, she sees the jury look at Yates in startled disgust. The mask had slipped and the monster had made his appearance. There's no hiding who he is now.

The jury does not take long to deliberate and returns a guilty verdict on both counts.

Olivia slumps in relief but not for long.

"Olivia?" It's Voight looked at her with a narrowed gaze. "Everything okay?"

"Just fine, Hank." She grins tightly. "Just let me step out to the bathroom before we go to that bar, okay?"

She rises and walks quickly out of the room before he can object.

Finding the closest restroom, she falls on her knees and empties her stomach. Knowing Voight would be waiting, she doesn't linger long, splashes water on her face, and takes several deep breaths. She goes back to what Lindstrom had told her so many months ago.

"Healing takes time, Olivia. Just because you're talking about what Lewis did to you doesn't mean that you're totally okay. Recovery is an ongoing process. Some days will be harder than others. Don't blame yourself for them."

"But I don't want them to see me as weak."

"If Lewis had done this to another victim and she had survived and was talking to you, what would you tell her?"

"I would tell her not to be so hard on herself."

"Good. Take your own advice. Be gentle to Olivia."

Taking a deep breath, she walks out of the restroom. The rest have gone to the bar but Voight's waiting for her, leaning against the wall, hands in his suit pockets. He wears it awkwardly, clearly unaccustomed to being without his trusty jeans. And the concern for her is palpable.

He definitely hadn't missed her reaction.

…...

"What was that in there?" Voight demands as he and Olivia Benson walks out of the courtroom. "Tell me, Olivia, what the hell was that?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Hank, and you better stop while you're ahead." Benson turns and stares at him. Don't push me.

"He got to you." Voight's eyes narrows as he scans her face. Olivia keeps her face as impassive as possible, hoping, praying, he hadn't noticed. Hadn't noticed the moment she had frozen. Frozen in memory as she had remembered another time when a rapist had grilled her on the stand.

Ain't we got fun, detective?

She had wanted to bolt from the room, to go back to that stairwell. It had taken everything she had within her not to flinch as Yates questioned her on the stand.

Good morning, Detective Benson, how are you today?

Olivia, he can't touch you anymore...it is time to let Lewis go.

Funny how ghosts don't seem to listen. They never do.

"He got to all of us." Olivia says, words choked by the lump in her throat as she remembers Nadia. Poor Nadia...they had been too late for her. Just one more failure on her watch. One more face to remember when she kneels by her mother's grave. As she tries to fall asleep at night.

Hank looks at her with the don't give me that shit look on his face.

"Olivia, how long have we been friends?"

"Longer than I can remember." She teases and deflects with a wry twist on her mouth.

Voight rolls his eyes. "Getting senile this soon, Benson?"

Olivia laughs. But it's brittle and sharp and it doesn't reach her eyes and Hank notices.

"Hank, it's really nothing to worry about. Just some unpleasant memories." Olivia tries to reassure him, realizing that he wasn't going to let this go. "Can we just go somewhere after we meet up with the rest and not talk about it?"

Voight looks at her intently, pursing his lips. "Sure. Your pick. But how about O'Malleys?"

"You really like that place."

"It's a cop bar. Food and drink are good and cheap. Can't go wrong with that." The hard lines in his face relax slightly as he grins at her.

But it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

They'd had lost too much this case.

To Nadia. Rest in peace.

…...

"How's the kid?" Voight asks, as he fingers the rim of his Manhattan.

"Noah?" Olivia asks.

"Naw, that punk Amaro. The one that threatened to take my copier." He says, deadpan.

Olivia chuckles. "I heard about that. I also heard that Platt was not amused."

Voight barks out a laugh. "Yeah, that'd be Trudy. Doesn't take well to strangers on her turf. And," he adds, "I meant the little kid. Not the big ones."

"He's wonderful. He's had some health problems but it looks like we might be moving past them."

"Yeah, I heard about that. Kid got the measles?"

Olivia's face grew serious. "Yes. There were some mothers in Tribeca that didn't believe in vaccinations. When a measles epidemic hit, a lot of them caught it. Noah was exposed." Her eyes were haunted as she remembered those long nights waiting for news, waiting for the worst to come. "But he made it through. He's a very resilient child."

"Sounds like he takes after his mom." Voight smiles, raising his glass. "Here's to no more hospital visits."

"I'll drink to that." Olivia returns his smile.

Voight studies Benson as she sips on her drink. It was clear from the look in her eyes how much she loves that little boy. He almost smiles as he thinks about Erin... DNA, blood, they don't necessarily make family. Family's the people who stand by you, who fight with you and for you.

The ones who would take a bullet for you.

For Voight, Erin, Justin and his family, and his squad, they were his family. He knew Benson had lost her mother early into her career at the Special Victims Unit but he still didn't know that whole story. There were a lot of things he didn't know about his old friend.

Like what had caused her to react the way she did in that courtroom. Greg Yates was scum but there had been something in her eyes, in her face, at some of the things that were said, that had set off Voight's internal alarms. Like it had hit home.

He'd seen that look in people's eyes before. Ones who seen hell and been to unfathomable places. And he is sure that something real bad had happened to Olivia.

By hell, he was going to find out what it was.

And kill the person responsible.