Christmas Angels. First Draft.
INT.KRISPY KREME DONUTS.EARLY MORNING
The camera slowly zooms in on a window adjacent to a booth.Holly drapes said window, Christmas decorations litter the walls around it, and carols are heard from the radio for good measure. The camera stops, we are now closed-up on the frosted window. Two figures pass by, no details seen through the frost.
We switch to a decent shot of the front door. A crisp jingle sounds as the door is help open. Loki dances in like an 80's throwback, Dixie cup in hand. Red and green ribbon writes out LOKI on the screen next to Loki himself as he dances to a booth, quickly adapting the Christmas tune to his whistling. He pauses, looking OC.
LOKI
A coffee and a jelly-filled.
Loki gets seated, admiring the holiday décor as he sips from the Dixie cup. We cut to a shot of Loki in the booth, the window beside him view. He sets down the cup, drumming on the table, whistling a Christmas tune. We vaguely see a shadowed form outside the window. Loki lifts the cup to his lips, and as he drains the last of the beverage, the form grows taller, a shadow looming over the oblivious Loki. A guttural snarl is heard by the audience from the shadow's source, perverted by echo-effects.
This form from outside flickers away as Bartleby steps up to the table, setting down a tray of donuts and coffee, sliding into the booth across from his associate.
The red and green ribbons write out BARTLEBY
LOKI
Now, before we even begin discussing our Holiday
Season vacation plans, I feel obliged to let you in on
something I've been stewing in. We are given this
small break as a gift from above to ...get away from
our routine obligations.
BARTLEBY
You mean the shitty oddjobs the Powers throw together
and push on parties who've blown their reputations?
LOKI
Right.
BARTLEBY
So... what are you getting at?
LOKI
You BLOW our vacation, without fail, EVERY
year. Last year? You bought us memberships at
the REC CENTER. We made POTTERY and
played TABLE TENNIS. We even listened to
live CHRISTIAN ROCK GROUPS.
(shakes his head)
Well, this year, it's MY agenda. I'm not dying on that hill again.
BARTLEBY
(rolls his eyes, leaning back)
Easy, Mister Ripley...
LOKI
I'm serious, you must be stopped.
BARTLEBY
Man- take a breath. I've been trying to tell you..
LOKI
...tell me what?
BARTLEBY
(gravely)
We've been given an oppurtunity to renew our status.
Loki's taken aback at first.
LOKI
Stop trying to be cool, man, spit it the fuck out.
BARTLEBY
This year? Our vacation plans come from above.
Silence as the camera dollies onto the outside of the building.
EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE WINDOW
A Krispy Kreme EMPLOYEE hangs garland over our boys' window. Through it, we see Bartleby carrying on enthusiastically, and Loki pounding the table and laughing at what's being said. The employee sidesteps, reaching up high to drape the garland. A brief stream of putrid yellow slime spatters his forearm...
...we switch to see his puzzled expression as his eyes follow a trickling stream of gunk up the wall, to the roof. The same shadow that fell over Loki covers this guy from above. We slightly begin zooming in on his face- silent terror spidering across his features. A few chucks of the slime blot his face as-
-he crumples to the ground as the shadow's source springs from the roof, REALLY fuckin' fast. The employee opens his mouth and lets loose a blood- curdling scream...
SMASH CUT:
INT.KRISPY KREME- SAME AS BEFORE
The scream echoes onto the shot.
CLOSE ON: a jelly donut as Loki bites it and red jelly spurts out.
We switch to the table top as the red jelly lands in a splatter, the employee's scream finally fading. We pan up to Loki's amused grin.
LOKI
What the fuck is a "Christmas Angel" ?!
BARTLEBY
Wish I knew, but... like I said, we carry through with this, make them happy, and we may be looking at our return to angelic nobility.
LOKI
Oh, like we're the niggers of the Heavenly bodies.
(Beat.)
Wait-wait-wait. Who bestowed this title upon us?
BARTLEBY
Gabriel. The Herald Angel. He came to our door last night. Declared us both to be Heaven and Earth's bon-a-fide "Christmas Angels".
LOKI
I.. just can't say "Christmas Angel" with a straight face.
BARTLEBY
He also borrowed your copy of "Atomic Dog".
LOKI
Tell me, were th-
ABRUPTLY, the employee's mangled corpse smashes onto the plexiglass window, right in between KRISPY and KREME. The face, bloody and toothless, eyes bugging out, frozen in perpetual horror, stares inside at the two. They exchange a glance and look back in time to watch the body slide off the window, leaving a thick trail of blood behind.
They look at one another again.
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
TITLE CARD.
In the traditional Exocet font:
"BARTLEBY AND LOKI"
The following is written below it in festive holiday lettering:
"CHRISTMAS ANGELS"
ANOTHER BLACK:
FADE IN ON:
INT.KRISPY KREME-MORNING
Bartleby and Loki watch the blood trickle down the Christmas-decorated window, the employee's corpse slumping over.
Loki scratches the back of his head, staring at the corpse. Then, to himself:
LOKI
... "Christmas Angels", man, how dope is THAT shit..?
EXT.ATLANTIC PLAZA SHOPPING CENTER. LATE MORNING
Two twenty-something males walk down the shopping center sidewalk, engaged in coversation. The camera drifts to the guy on the left, GUY 1. He has black spiked hair, a seven inch long twisty goatee, faded jeans, a black Leatherface shirt, and a brown fringed leather cowboy jacket. GUY 2 looks dark-skinned, Italian pretty much. He wears an apron that reads "SAL'S PIZZERIA".
GUY 2 looks relieved, as if given a second chance at life.
GUY 2
You don't know how close to the edge I was, bro. Shelly was all I knew
about love. She was the only connection I had to my emotions. Before
her, I did not know what it was to feel totally... overcome by passion.
Didn't know what it was to live life within someone else's, know what
I'm sayin' ?
GUY 1
And you're sure a similar argument that you haven't resolved doesn't lay
waiting to spring up in the future?
GUY 2
Nah, man. We worked everything out. Even those little meaningless
quirks that women blow out of proportion.
GUY 1
So she's staying, huh?
GUY 2
I'm going to propose to her on Christmas Eve.
GUY 1
You're shitting me.
GUY 2
I shit you not. I'm going to look at some rings, gonna take her to Aldo's
Ristorante that evening. Everything's gonna be A-O-fucking-K.
At this point, they step up to a newsstand, GUY 1 idly looks over the merchandise.
GUY 2
There's just his one thing...
GUY 1
Uh oh.
GUY 2
Man, you have to swear not to breathe a word to anyone about this.
GUY 1 pats GUY 2 on the shoulder roughly.
GUY 1
Dude, you can trust me to keep my mouth shut.
As he grins, the red and green lettering spells his name out next to him.
SEAN HARTLE.
GUY 2
I went to that party at John K.'s last week..I get drunk and pass out in
the bedroom. Sylvan comes in and jumps all over me.
SEAN
SYLVAN DERRIS ?!
GUY 2
Well, I mean.. y'know..
SEAN
Dude, she's in the quasi-indie film industry !
GUY 2
Quasi.. wha-
SEAN
Smut flicks, man. Eew. She's a bigger gutter slut than Veronica Loughran.
GUY 2
Not like I intentionally slept with her, I was drunker than fuck ! Look, I
HAD to tell somebody. But if anyone finds out about this, it'll get back
to Shelly. You know word travels in this town. Promise me man, promise
me you won't even tell Ian.
SEAN
I know, I know... look, man, your secret's safe with me. Just... forget it
even happened. Relax, we all screw up. Just focus on how happy you are
with Shelly, and make plans to look for that ring. Don't let stupid shit
bring you down.
GUY 2 thinks this over.
GUY 2
(grins, they shake hands)
Thanks, man.
SEAN
( pulling a copy of Weekly World News off the rack)
Hey- what are friends for, right? Look, I gotta meet Ian at noon, I'll catch
up with ya later.
GUY 2
Hey- stop by Sal's tonight, I'll hook you guys up with free calzones
or something. Peace, man.
SEAN
Later on, Nick.
Guy 2 fumbles with some car keys as he continues on. Sean stays where he's at, watching Guy 2.
CUT TO:
Sean walking up to a nearby payphone. He snatches the receiver, feeding it some coins.
SEAN
Hey Jeff. It's Sean. Man, I was just talkin' with Nick Foresci. Remember
Rick's cousin? Sylvan. Well, apparently..
Sean continues to gossip as the camera drifts away from him, fading out.
INT. KRISPY KREME-MORNING-SAME
We go right back to the scene, our boys watch the gore-coated window. Bartleby scratches the back of his head. Loki watches an intestine fall from a string of holiday garland.
LOKI
Sick, man.
Their attention drifts away from the window.
BARTLEBY
(pops a donut-hole into his mouth)
Yeah, in other news..
(between bites)
We're meeting Gabriel for lunch to discuss the details.
Loki rolls his eyes.
LOKI
Shit, man. I had already forgotten about that mess. You're way too on-the
-job. Just relax.
A liver sticks to the window, sliding through the blood.
BARTLEBY
(indicating the liver)
You're right. Maybe I should. I'll "liver" alone.
Bartleby looks to Loki. Loki rolls his eyes and finishes his coffee. He slides out of the booth.
LOKI
C'mon, Dawson. Let's check out.
BARTLEBY
What? Kevin Williamson IS funny, you know.
EXT. KRISPY KREME. OUT FRONT
The two step IC inspecting the employee's remnants laying strewn about.
LOKI
Nutty.
BARTLEBY
(sour expression)
What did this...?
Loki kneels, eyeing the corpse. We follow him down as he slaps a dog away, who is trying to eat the entrails.
LOKI
Bad dog.
BARTLEBY
(kneels)
Wait. Lookit this slimey shit all over the place.
Bartleby places the back of his hand in some of the slime. Steam rises as it evaporates and dries.
LOKI
Anything undone by angelic contact is demonic matter...
BARTLEBY
(examining his hand)
I suppose it was sent for us.
LOKI
Couldn't they have just sent us a fucking Pina Colada maker? I mean,
damn. We never get good gifts.
BARTLEBY
No, I mean, it was sent to destroy -... just gimme that cup.
Beat.
LOKI
No.
BARTLEBY
(snatches the dixie cup)
I want to find out what killed this guy and why it was here at the same
time as us. Gabriel knows what's goin' down; no doubt he knows where
this thing came from.
He scoops some of the slime into the dixie cup.
LOKI
(dryly)
Somebody blows their nose and you wanna keep it.
BARTLEBY
Let's split before someone calls the cops..
Bartleby goes. Loki watches the corpse.
LOKI
(calling OC)
You know Rotten.com pays, like, top dollar for mutilation shots !
Beat.
LOKI
Don't give me that look.
INT. THE MALL. SANTA COURT.
In the middle of a shopping mall, a Santa court has been commissioned. The area is knee-deep in fake snow, adorned with child-sized gingerbread playhouses, and steps leading up to an elaborate Santa throne. A slide is at the side of the throne, bringing to mind "A Christmas Story".
A line of children is before "Santa". He's in mid-conversation with a KID on his lap.
KID
But I really want that game, Santa.
SANTA
No. No you don't, Gregory. Santa knows these things.
KID
But my friends said-
SANTA
Look, Gregory. That game... BITES. It sucks. It buries it's tongue
deep in Santa's cho-ho-hoad.
KID
You're supposed to bring me what I want-
SANTA
Listen, you little testicle. If you don't forget about the game, I'm
going to get in my fucking Oldsmobile and run over your dog.
The child begins crying and runs off.
Beat.
SANTA
Fucking kids.
"Santa" rises from his throne, turning to hang up a lunch break sign reading "WILL BE
BACK AT:" He begins turning the hands on it's clock.
KID
(climbs up the steps)
Santa ! I've decided I want-
SANTA
Eat me.
"Santa" grabs the kid, shoving him to a slide at the side of the throne. An almost exact repeat of the scene in Christmas Story occurs, the kid trying to climb up the slide, Santa pushing him down with his boot.
CUT TO:
A shot of the end of the slide. The kid is sliding fast, crying, and reaches the end of the slide, hitting the cold, hard mall floor face-first in the middle of a bustling shopping crowd.
CUT TO:
INT. THE MALL. FOODCOURT.
Santa sits at a table before a tray of food, tearing the fluffy white beard off. He has beady eyes and an unshaven face. Jagged brown hair sticks out from under his Santa hat. He looks nothing like a traditional Santa, considering he looks to be in his twenties and the red suit hangs off of him.
The holiday lettering spells out a name beside him:
IAN DARKLIGHTER
A chair is pulled out across from him. Sean sits, popping a corn dog nugget into his mouth.
SEAN
I think that chick at A&W has the hots for me.
IAN
Shut up.
SEAN
She gave me two extra corn dog nuggets, AND a root beer float.
Pretended it was a mistake. So what's new?
IAN
Trying to enjoy my combo number five.
SEAN
When're you off?
IAN
Two, two thirty.
SEAN
Let's go to Sal's tonight. Free calzones.
IAN
Why do you even hang around that wop?
SEAN
Free calzones. Anyway. You remember how Nick Foresci's gonna
propose to Shelly Hapstak?
IAN
(spitting food onto his fork, examining it)
Uh-huh.
SEAN
Well. He told me this morning about how he slept with Sylvan at
John K.'s party-
IAN
And... I give a shit be-caaaauuuse....
Beat.
SEAN
(defensively)
You do realize that I am the source of blackmail, betrayal, and every inflammatory rumor in this town, right? If it wasn't for me,
there would be no mistrust. No false accusation. No back- stabbing.
IAN
(thoughtfully staring down at his plate)
...well. Uh...
(defiantly)
I'M SANTA.
SEAN
..fair argument, considering how much damage you do to the minds of the children you present yourself to daily in the guise of a childhood icon. Still. Every bit of harmful energy you distribute unto the younger generation, I inflict upon the twenty-somethings.
IAN
And, how many of them do you get to have sit on your lap?
Sean gives him a look.
SEAN
Eat your crazy MEAL.
IAN
I just don't see as much villainy in you as I should. Your gimmick
is uninspired. So you're the "Gossip Queen".
SEAN
I am "The Betrayor".
IAN
You're so insecure.
SEAN
Oh?
IAN
Yup.
SEAN
You're a rectum-sucking, smegma-guzzling, cock-gobbling, flaming homosexual, uncouth BITCH.
IAN
You're a mother fucker.
Sean glares. He points a finger, eyes searching the table for words. He fails to cook something up and sighs, bringing his fist down on the table.
EXT. BUS STOP. LATE MORNING
Bartleby and Loki stand amidst a small crowd, waiting for a bus. Loki still holds the Dixie cup. They're in mid-conversation.
LOKI
Mainly because it's the busiest shopping day of the year.
BARTLEBY
That's why I want to keep out of the stores.
LOKI
Oh, come on. We have fun swimming through the holiday
shopping mobs. Remember Tickle-Me Elmo?
******FLASH BACK # 1 ***********
LOKI
Or, or, POWER Rangers?
******* FLASH BACK # 2 **********
BARTLEBY
I have to hand it you- it does make for some memorable
experiences.
LOKI
I don't care what noise people talk about commercialism.
Holiday shopping is a sport for me.
BARTLEBY
But this year, we're on a mission. We're the-
LOKI
Christmas Angels ? Nigga PLEASE.
BARTLEBY
We have to stay on our toes. We don't know what this title portends yet, so until we find out, you need to take it a little more seriously.
Beat.
LOKI
A'ight. We'll play this your way. Let's make a deal. I'll go along
with this silly little quest Gabriel PRO'LLY dreamed up while,
say, HITTING THE PARAPHENALIA PIPE, but it does NOT interfere with our usual holiday traditions. Like you said, we don't even know what out title proclaims-
BARTLEBY
Portends.
LOKI
Shut up. Anyway, what if it's not as direly important as you think? We could be, like mascots or something.
BARTLEBY
A little tacky, but not impossible.
LOKI
See? I mean, look who they've tapped. The two most fervent observers of Christmas cheer. We've heard every carol, seen every claymation special, crashed every company party. We start celebrating the season before the MALLS even put up their decorations.
BARTLEBY
I just wish it would be that simple.
The bus pulls up. People begin boarding. Bartleby and Loki make their way to the back of the bus.
CUT TO:
INT. BACK OF THE BUS.
A close-up shot of the two, in the back is the window, through it is seen snowfall and passing scenery.
BARTLEBY
What're we after this year?
LOKI
Mm. Hold on.
Loki digs a hand into his overcoat, pulling out a newspaper. From it, he pulls a store catalouge, handing it to Bartleby.
LOKI
Page four. Bottom left corner.
Bartleby flips pages, his eyes searching page four.
BARTLEBY
London broil ...?
Beat. Loki snatches the paper, shuffling through the others, and hands over the correct one. Bartleby reads it.
BARTLEBY
The Sega Quasar.
LOKI
The newest next-gen video game system.
BARTLEBY
Yikes. Does it come with a game?
LOKI
No.
BARTLEBY
An extra controller?
LOKI
No.
Bartleby seems slightly distressed.
BARTLEBY
... a demo disc?
LOKI
...no.
BARTLEBY
Then.. why are we buying it?
LOKI
It's... got good graphics !
BARTLEBY
(suspiciously)
Really..?
LOKI
Yeah , man !
BARTLEBY
(grins)
No WAY !
They both high-five each other. Bartleby continues reading the ad. His enthusiasm melts.
BARTLEBY
Four hundred DOLLARS?
LOKI
Oh, let it go, dude.
BARTLEBY
Does it make TOAST?
LOKI
We've got plenty of cash !
BARTLEBY
(sighs)
Fine, but I get to pick out the game.
LOKI
As long as it's not gay.
BARTLEBY
I have never brought home a gay game.
LOKI
Pffff. Your video game collection is a veritable cornucopia of gayity.
BARTLEBY
What can I say? It's okay to be gay.
LOKI
Flamer.
There's a moment of silence. Lokis takes the paper from Bartleby, who's gazing out the window. The camera switches to the view out of said window. The air is filled with dusting snow. Pedestrians are going about their way, arms filled with shopping bags.
BARTLEBY
Don't you love it? Look at everybody.
LOKI
Huh?
Loki glances out the window.
LOKI
Yeah. There's that kid in the helmet.
Bartleby looks at him sourly.
Another reflective pause as he gazes out the window.
LOKI
So... what do you want for Christmas this year?
BARTLEBY
(grins)
Aw, man... (scratches the back of his head)
it's alright, dude, you don't need to get me anything...I mean, I'm
just lucky to have your company...
Beat. Loki looks at him, slightly repulsed.
LOKI
Well, shit, man. I wasn't getting you anything. I was just curious.
BARTLEBY
(smile melts)
Oh.
EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES. PARKING LOT. DAY
Our boys head towards the door, the bus pulling away from the stop in the foreground. Loki pulls the door open, slapping the back of Bartleby's head as he enters.
INT. INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES. DINING AREA. DAY
A middle-aged man sits at a booth. He has jagged, dirty blonde hair, a white dress shirt underneath a crisp baby blue suit. A baby blue hood overlaps the back of his collar. He's smoking two cigarettes at once, and before him is an ashtray piled high. The man coughs like a mother fucker, hacking loudly before drinking some water.
LOKI OC
Hark, the Herald Angel sings.
Bartleby and Loki step IC, sliding into the booth across from the man. "GABRIEL" is written onscreen adjacent to the man.
GABRIEL
Afternoon, ladies. I guess you both know why I've called you here.
BARTLEBY
Because we've been chosen as-
GABRIEL
(snaps at him)
Because I woke up craving a Rooty-Tooty Fresh-n-Fruity and I'm fucking BROKE.
Gabriel taps a cig on the ashtray.
GABRIEL
...and you've been chosen as, uh... the Christmas Angels.
Gabriel giggles madly, blowing smoke through his nose.
LOKI
I know, dude. That's some funny fucking shit.
BARTLEBY
We need to know what this is all about.
GABRIEL
You're not gonna like it. We're in trouble this year, boys. This
world's chronology is teetering on the brink of certain peril.
LOKI
Wuh-oh.
Gabriel pauses, glaring at Loki. He takes a drag, and continues.
GABRIEL
The threat arises from two assailants. They've taken residence in
this same city. We're not sure of their motivations, but we are
aware of their unholy allignment. There's been a sudden burst of
demonic energy in the area ever since the two assailants popped up
on our shit list.
BARTLEBY
I almost forgot. Loki, the goop.
LOKI
Oh, right.
Loki produces the saturated Dixie cup, holding it out to Gabriel, who just stares at it.
GABRIEL
I'm not taking it. Put that shit down. What is it?
BARTLEBY
We got up this morninig to get donuts. We were sitting by the
window, and a guy got hacked up outside by something. We
checked it out and this slime was everywhere.
Gabriel leans forward, peering into the cup. He blows a smoke ring.
Beat.
GABRIEL
It's ethereal residue. Fallout created when an organism burns it's
way from one plain of being to another. This is an abnormal
occurance. Demons can only manifest themselves through the
human mind and body. Whatever jizzed all over your donut or whatever bore it's way through space, straight outta hell.
LOKI
But that's not possible. Divine sentinels are employed all over
Earth to prevent that.
GABRIEL
That's part of the problem. Most of them have been annihilated.
And if that fact that the sons of bitches knew how to kill an angelic being isn't bad enough, the fact that they could even detect one is worse.
BARTLEBY
When you say sons of bitches, you're referring to the two suspects? They are....
GABRIEL
Their names are Sean Hartle and Ian Darklighter.
BARTLEBY
Who are they?
GABRIEL
Well. I've still got some research to do, a lot of my boys have been dispatched before they could even report back. I do know they live in a nearby neighborhood, and Darklighter works as the Santa Claus at Lynnhaven Mall. Check back with me for further information as I find it.
LOKI
You sure came prepared.
GABRIEL
Suck my cock, pretty boy.
BARTLEBY
Wait, so what does any of this have to do with us being chosen? What exactly are those two doing that requires a seek and destroy
team?
GABRIEL
Shit, do you and your blonde boyfriend ask a lot of questions. Okay, look. You may or may not know about the time eddies.
BARTLEBY
Time eddies?
GABRIEL
The Holy Powers, being the omnipotent maitenance men of existence we are, must also keep the flow of time in check.
Time is like... a big...fuckin'.. Tamogatchi.
LOKI
That's it, I'm leaving.
Bartleby elbows him.
GABRIEL
Now, this is very tricky. Even for us. Our treatment of "Time" has a direct effect on the world of man.
BARTLEBY
This is... all new to me. How exactly might one... supply upkeep to time ?
Gabriel hacks and coughs a bit.
GABRIEL
Well, we normally don't go around talking about this shit. Especially not to half wits like you two. You're pretty much
the niggers of the Heavenly Bodies as far as I'm concerned.
Bartleby and Loki exchange smirks.
BARTLEBY
So. The eddies, what are they?
GABRIEL
Small ruptures in space. They're like vents. Or wormholes. The
flow of time has to vent to keep going, y'know ? The venting
process usually causes odd things to happen in humans. Like deja
vu, or suddenly recalling a past life. Now this next part is crucial.
The eddies are undetected by anything not angelic. We cloak them
so nobody fucks around with them.
LOKI
Why ? What happens when you fuck around with one?
GABRIEL
Anything that passes through an eddie is sent screaming head-first into the bowels of history. And if you haven't seen many movies, let me tell you, time travel can really bust some shit up.
Gabriel sighs smoke, putting one of two cigs out on a pat of butter.
GABRIEL
Every Christmas Eve, a major eddie tears open.
LOKI
Where?
GABRIEL
Well. There's a specific divine sentinel assigned to protecting it.
She decides that. Unfortunately, she's turned up missing in action.
That's part of your mission, to locate her. Her name's Kyra.
BARTLEBY
Do you think the two assailants have anything to do with her
disappearance.
GABRIEL
Considering we can't get a trace on her, and on top of all the
demonic activity that Kyra' presence shouldn't even allow...
LOKI
So Bartleby and I have been selected to find Kyra and knock
these two fucks' blocks off, as to keep them from manipulating
the Christmas Eve time eddie... that makes us the Christmas
Angels.
Loki chuckles.
GABRIEL
Well, it's a great chance to rub out your current status and make
something out of yourself for once.
Gabriel giggles.
GABRIEL
Christmas Angels...
Bartleby rolls his eyes.
GABRIEL
Now. I want you boys to be on the proverbial BALL.
You witness any activity, get to the bottom of it. It's the only
way you'll nab Hartle and Darklighter. You'll have me for backup.
Gabriel reaches into his suit coat, pulling out a small flip-phone. He throws it at Loki, who fumbles, almost dropping it.
GABRIEL
Reach me at speed dial one.
BARTLEBY
Tell me. Whose idea was it to choose us?
GABRIEL
The Almighty's, is that what you want to hear? I bet
you two were pretty pissed after the dust settled from the
plenary indulgence incident and you two remained fallen.
BARTLEBY
Beats Hell. Im not bitter. These three years back on Earth have
taught me the importance of faith over impatience, to say the least.
GABRIEL
Uh-huh.
BARTLEBY
Like, just the few minutes of my existence I spent as a human,
have left an impression in my mind. The things I felt for the first
time. The pain, the perceptions...the dick. I haven't forgotten for
two seconds what it felt like to be human. To be destructable. To-
Gabriel's cell phone rings.
GABRIEL
Excuse me.
Gabriel pulls out the phone, flipping it open.
GABRIEL
Hello?
The camera pans right. We see Loki on his cell phone.
LOKI
Hey, man, it's Loki !
Loki cracks up.
EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES. PARKING LOT. DAY
The three are exiting IHOP.
GABRIEL
I guess at this early in the ball game, your best bet is to just slide
and let the trouble find you. You had a near-encounter this
morning, you're obviously in their sights.
LOKI
This isn't much of a TASK. This promises to be the most eventful
holiday vacation we've had. It's basically looking for trouble
and kicking ass.
GABRIEL
(to Bartleby)
Tell me, is he only a big, big fag when I'm around?
BARTLEBY
He just wants attention.
They stop as Bartleby checks the bus schedule.
LOKI
So how'd you get here?
GABRIEL
(winces, sarcastically)
On a goddamn bike.
LOKI
Kiss my ass.
GABRIEL
I took the bus to the Pembroke and walked the rest of the way.
Where'd you say you were at this morning?
BARTLEBY
Krispy Kreme on the boulevard.
GABRIEL
I wanna check the scene out for myself if I can get past the pigs.
As I said before, these guys will probably make your job of finding
them incredibly simple. They're not doing a very good job of keep-
ing their presence unknown, so they most
likely think they can take anything we throw at them.
BARTLEBY
A'right. Call us if you come across anything unusual. In the mean
time...
LOKI
...we've got some pressing issues to take care of.
INT. PARKED CAR. DAY
From the POV of the back seat.
Sean and Ian sit in a car parked in a relatively busy part of town. Ian peers over an open newspaper at passing pedestrians. Next to him, Sean tears open a Pixie stick and eats it.
IAN
Are you sure this is the place?
SEAN
Yeah, yeah, just chill.
EXT. RELATIVELY EMPTY PART OF TOWN. DAY
A YOUNG COUPLE step onto the sidewalk, hand-in-hand. The BOYFRIEND is pretty average looking, wearing a winter coat and jeans. The GIRLFRIEND is moderately attractive, but looks like one of those college goth chicks or something with piercings, dyed black hair, and no doubt, revealing, skimpy (yet black) clothing under her (black) furry coat.
Sean starts the car, and it slowly pulls forward, following the couple as they walk. After the first block, they round a corner. A few seconds later, the car rounds it as well. The trend continues for a moment or two. The boyfriend glances over his shoulder at the car. It stops.
The girlfriend pauses, tilting her head and looking up at him.
GIRLFRIEND
What is it, Dane ?
BOYFRIEND
...nothing.
They proceed. So does the car. This continues for a moment.
boyfriend is clearly agitated, and aware of their persuers.
DANE
Let's duck back here and lose these fucks.
Boyfriend squeezes the girlfriend's hand tighter, and they slip into an alley between two stores.
EXT. ALLEY. DAY
GIRLFRIEND (slightly spooked)
What was going on back there?
BOYFRIEND
Don't worry. Just some stupid fuckwads.
They head towards the opposite end of the alley. The girlfriend gasps as the car pulls into said opposite end, parking.
BOYFRIEND
-the fuck ?!
They turn to run the other way, only to find Ian standing at the other end of the alley. The girl shrieks, clinging onto the boyfriend, who begins to be mildly alarmed.
BOYFRIEND
What do you want ?!
Ian begins walking forward, pulling a knife.
GIRLFRIEND
DANE, HE'S GOT A FUCKING KNIFE.
BOYFRIEND
STAY the FUCK back, man-
Suddenly, Sean's hand reaches IC, forcing an ether rag over the boyfriend's mouth. His other hand lifts a knife into the frame-
-cut to black as the girl screams.
EXT. RELATIVELY EMPTY PART OF TOWN.DAY
Bartleby and Loki step out of a store, heading down the sidewalk. The girl's scream rings in the background.
They freeze to exchange glances, and take off running.
EXT. ALLEY. DAY
Bartleby and Loki dart into the alley, only to find Ian stuffing the boyfriend in the trunk, and shoving the girlfriend into the back seat of the car. Ian runs to the passenger's side door,
turning to stare at them. He snarls, baring a set of long, thin fangs.
LOKI
That's one of those fucking guys !
Bartleby whips a .38 out. Ian makes a fist and flips his wrist. Bartleby is jolted, the .38 flying out of his hand. Loki quickly runs forward, pulling a Magnum, but Ian's already in and the car screeches off.
BARTLEBY
DAMMIT.. !
LOKI
Nice shot, Brisco.
Bartleby's eyes scan the asphalt for anything of significance. Well, other than his .38, which he stoops to pick up.
BARTLEBY
Did you catch the plates on that car?
LOKI
Yeah, it said... "Dethmbl"...
BARTLEBY
What?
LOKI
Death mobile.
BARTLEBY
How gay. Wonder what they were doing with those people.
LOKI
Frankly I could care less about the people, I'm just mad we missed
what could've been our first alley-brawl since last summer.
BARTLEBY
Refresh my memory.
LOKI
You remember. Those two faggots in the Hawaiian shirts and vans.
BARTLEBY
Oh. The fight where you pussied out and bailed on me. The self-proclaimed badass motherfuckers. Did we kill them?
LOKI
Nah. Remember? One of them caught my "Wings" reference and
we started chilling while you and that other one were wrestling on
the ground like fags.
Beat.
LOKI
And for the record, I didn't bail. He paid my way to the Chinese
buffet.
They leave the alley, starting down the sidewalk.
EXT. KRISPY KREME DONUTS. OUTFRONT. DAY
Police and paramedics surround the front of Krispy Kreme donuts. The immediate area is roped off by yellow tape. Gabriel approaches the scene, keeping his distance from the police, while trying to get closer to the crime scene. Gabriel turns, eyeing a patch of the yellow slime coating the brick. He kneels, his eyes following a trail of it to a severed limb. We can see clearly that it's covered in claw marks and clear drool. He rises, looking around the sidewalk, finding it littered with bloody paw prints.
Gabriel pulls out the flip phone, punching a button.
Beat.
GABRIEL
Hey. It's me. I'm at the Krispy Kreme. I've found out something
about one of the assailants that should help you.
EXT. RELATIVELY BUSY PART OF TOWN. DAY
Bartleby holds the flip phone to his ear. He gives a sour look.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You've got to be shitting me.
LOKI
What?
Bartleby holds a finger up to Loki.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You're serious, aren't you?
Beat.
BARTLEBY
Alright. Yeah. Bye.
Bartleby flips the phone shut.
LOKI
What'd he say?
BARTLEBY
Based on his observations of the corpse, we're dealing with
something of extra-terrestrial origin...
LOKI
No we aren't.
BARTLEBY
Yes-huh.
LOKI
Do you know how fucking stupid that is? An ALIEN. I mean, am I the only one that sees that?
BARTLEBY
Wait, wait, you're right. This is fucking gay. Let's try this scene again.
EXT. RELATIVELY BUSY PART OF TOWN. DAY
Bartleby holds the flip phone to his ear. He gives a sour look.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You've got to be shitting me.
LOKI
What?
Bartleby holds a finger up to Loki.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You're serious, aren't you?
Beat.
BARTLEBY
Alright. Yeah. Bye.
Bartleby flips the phone shut.
LOKI
What'd he say?
BARTLEBY
Based on his observations of the corpse, we're dealing with flesh
-eating zombies from beyond.
Bruce FUCKING Campbell walks IC.
BRUCE CAMPBELL
Where?
Bartleby and Loki sigh.
LOKI
...one more time.
EXT. RELATIVELY BUSY PART OF TOWN. DAY
Bartleby holds the flip phone to his ear. He gives a sour look.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You've got to be shitting me.
LOKI
What?
Bartleby holds a finger up to Loki.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You're serious, aren't you?
Beat.
BARTLEBY
Alright. Yeah. Bye.
Bartleby flips the phone shut.
LOKI
What'd he say?
BARTLEBY
Based on his observations of the corpse, we're dealing with
a lycanthrope.
LOKI
No we aren't.
BARTLEBY
Yes-huh.
LOKI
And, a lycanthrope is what, again?
BARTLEBY
Y'know, those people that think that within them is a wolf or something. They crawl around the house naked, pissing on house plants, and ultimately have the ability to, like "shift into wolf form".
LOKI (disgusted)
What is this? A shitty script written by some high school fuck who has a penchant for bad movies?
Beat.
LOKI
Nevermind. So, wait, is a lycanthrope considered a demon?
BARTLEBY
Yeah, pretty much. They're humans who willfully accepted a
demon into their body in return for the gift.
LOKI
The gift of what?
BARTLEBY
Of being able to become a wolf.
LOKI
How is pissing on trees and sniffing assholes a gift?
BARTLEBY
Just ask the role-playing people on AOL.
LOKI
Yeah, okay.
INT.KRISPY KREME DONUTS.EARLY MORNING
The camera slowly zooms in on a window adjacent to a booth.Holly drapes said window, Christmas decorations litter the walls around it, and carols are heard from the radio for good measure. The camera stops, we are now closed-up on the frosted window. Two figures pass by, no details seen through the frost.
We switch to a decent shot of the front door. A crisp jingle sounds as the door is help open. Loki dances in like an 80's throwback, Dixie cup in hand. Red and green ribbon writes out LOKI on the screen next to Loki himself as he dances to a booth, quickly adapting the Christmas tune to his whistling. He pauses, looking OC.
LOKI
A coffee and a jelly-filled.
Loki gets seated, admiring the holiday décor as he sips from the Dixie cup. We cut to a shot of Loki in the booth, the window beside him view. He sets down the cup, drumming on the table, whistling a Christmas tune. We vaguely see a shadowed form outside the window. Loki lifts the cup to his lips, and as he drains the last of the beverage, the form grows taller, a shadow looming over the oblivious Loki. A guttural snarl is heard by the audience from the shadow's source, perverted by echo-effects.
This form from outside flickers away as Bartleby steps up to the table, setting down a tray of donuts and coffee, sliding into the booth across from his associate.
The red and green ribbons write out BARTLEBY
LOKI
Now, before we even begin discussing our Holiday
Season vacation plans, I feel obliged to let you in on
something I've been stewing in. We are given this
small break as a gift from above to ...get away from
our routine obligations.
BARTLEBY
You mean the shitty oddjobs the Powers throw together
and push on parties who've blown their reputations?
LOKI
Right.
BARTLEBY
So... what are you getting at?
LOKI
You BLOW our vacation, without fail, EVERY
year. Last year? You bought us memberships at
the REC CENTER. We made POTTERY and
played TABLE TENNIS. We even listened to
live CHRISTIAN ROCK GROUPS.
(shakes his head)
Well, this year, it's MY agenda. I'm not dying on that hill again.
BARTLEBY
(rolls his eyes, leaning back)
Easy, Mister Ripley...
LOKI
I'm serious, you must be stopped.
BARTLEBY
Man- take a breath. I've been trying to tell you..
LOKI
...tell me what?
BARTLEBY
(gravely)
We've been given an oppurtunity to renew our status.
Loki's taken aback at first.
LOKI
Stop trying to be cool, man, spit it the fuck out.
BARTLEBY
This year? Our vacation plans come from above.
Silence as the camera dollies onto the outside of the building.
EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE WINDOW
A Krispy Kreme EMPLOYEE hangs garland over our boys' window. Through it, we see Bartleby carrying on enthusiastically, and Loki pounding the table and laughing at what's being said. The employee sidesteps, reaching up high to drape the garland. A brief stream of putrid yellow slime spatters his forearm...
...we switch to see his puzzled expression as his eyes follow a trickling stream of gunk up the wall, to the roof. The same shadow that fell over Loki covers this guy from above. We slightly begin zooming in on his face- silent terror spidering across his features. A few chucks of the slime blot his face as-
-he crumples to the ground as the shadow's source springs from the roof, REALLY fuckin' fast. The employee opens his mouth and lets loose a blood- curdling scream...
SMASH CUT:
INT.KRISPY KREME- SAME AS BEFORE
The scream echoes onto the shot.
CLOSE ON: a jelly donut as Loki bites it and red jelly spurts out.
We switch to the table top as the red jelly lands in a splatter, the employee's scream finally fading. We pan up to Loki's amused grin.
LOKI
What the fuck is a "Christmas Angel" ?!
BARTLEBY
Wish I knew, but... like I said, we carry through with this, make them happy, and we may be looking at our return to angelic nobility.
LOKI
Oh, like we're the niggers of the Heavenly bodies.
(Beat.)
Wait-wait-wait. Who bestowed this title upon us?
BARTLEBY
Gabriel. The Herald Angel. He came to our door last night. Declared us both to be Heaven and Earth's bon-a-fide "Christmas Angels".
LOKI
I.. just can't say "Christmas Angel" with a straight face.
BARTLEBY
He also borrowed your copy of "Atomic Dog".
LOKI
Tell me, were th-
ABRUPTLY, the employee's mangled corpse smashes onto the plexiglass window, right in between KRISPY and KREME. The face, bloody and toothless, eyes bugging out, frozen in perpetual horror, stares inside at the two. They exchange a glance and look back in time to watch the body slide off the window, leaving a thick trail of blood behind.
They look at one another again.
SMASH CUT TO BLACK
TITLE CARD.
In the traditional Exocet font:
"BARTLEBY AND LOKI"
The following is written below it in festive holiday lettering:
"CHRISTMAS ANGELS"
ANOTHER BLACK:
FADE IN ON:
INT.KRISPY KREME-MORNING
Bartleby and Loki watch the blood trickle down the Christmas-decorated window, the employee's corpse slumping over.
Loki scratches the back of his head, staring at the corpse. Then, to himself:
LOKI
... "Christmas Angels", man, how dope is THAT shit..?
EXT.ATLANTIC PLAZA SHOPPING CENTER. LATE MORNING
Two twenty-something males walk down the shopping center sidewalk, engaged in coversation. The camera drifts to the guy on the left, GUY 1. He has black spiked hair, a seven inch long twisty goatee, faded jeans, a black Leatherface shirt, and a brown fringed leather cowboy jacket. GUY 2 looks dark-skinned, Italian pretty much. He wears an apron that reads "SAL'S PIZZERIA".
GUY 2 looks relieved, as if given a second chance at life.
GUY 2
You don't know how close to the edge I was, bro. Shelly was all I knew
about love. She was the only connection I had to my emotions. Before
her, I did not know what it was to feel totally... overcome by passion.
Didn't know what it was to live life within someone else's, know what
I'm sayin' ?
GUY 1
And you're sure a similar argument that you haven't resolved doesn't lay
waiting to spring up in the future?
GUY 2
Nah, man. We worked everything out. Even those little meaningless
quirks that women blow out of proportion.
GUY 1
So she's staying, huh?
GUY 2
I'm going to propose to her on Christmas Eve.
GUY 1
You're shitting me.
GUY 2
I shit you not. I'm going to look at some rings, gonna take her to Aldo's
Ristorante that evening. Everything's gonna be A-O-fucking-K.
At this point, they step up to a newsstand, GUY 1 idly looks over the merchandise.
GUY 2
There's just his one thing...
GUY 1
Uh oh.
GUY 2
Man, you have to swear not to breathe a word to anyone about this.
GUY 1 pats GUY 2 on the shoulder roughly.
GUY 1
Dude, you can trust me to keep my mouth shut.
As he grins, the red and green lettering spells his name out next to him.
SEAN HARTLE.
GUY 2
I went to that party at John K.'s last week..I get drunk and pass out in
the bedroom. Sylvan comes in and jumps all over me.
SEAN
SYLVAN DERRIS ?!
GUY 2
Well, I mean.. y'know..
SEAN
Dude, she's in the quasi-indie film industry !
GUY 2
Quasi.. wha-
SEAN
Smut flicks, man. Eew. She's a bigger gutter slut than Veronica Loughran.
GUY 2
Not like I intentionally slept with her, I was drunker than fuck ! Look, I
HAD to tell somebody. But if anyone finds out about this, it'll get back
to Shelly. You know word travels in this town. Promise me man, promise
me you won't even tell Ian.
SEAN
I know, I know... look, man, your secret's safe with me. Just... forget it
even happened. Relax, we all screw up. Just focus on how happy you are
with Shelly, and make plans to look for that ring. Don't let stupid shit
bring you down.
GUY 2 thinks this over.
GUY 2
(grins, they shake hands)
Thanks, man.
SEAN
( pulling a copy of Weekly World News off the rack)
Hey- what are friends for, right? Look, I gotta meet Ian at noon, I'll catch
up with ya later.
GUY 2
Hey- stop by Sal's tonight, I'll hook you guys up with free calzones
or something. Peace, man.
SEAN
Later on, Nick.
Guy 2 fumbles with some car keys as he continues on. Sean stays where he's at, watching Guy 2.
CUT TO:
Sean walking up to a nearby payphone. He snatches the receiver, feeding it some coins.
SEAN
Hey Jeff. It's Sean. Man, I was just talkin' with Nick Foresci. Remember
Rick's cousin? Sylvan. Well, apparently..
Sean continues to gossip as the camera drifts away from him, fading out.
INT. KRISPY KREME-MORNING-SAME
We go right back to the scene, our boys watch the gore-coated window. Bartleby scratches the back of his head. Loki watches an intestine fall from a string of holiday garland.
LOKI
Sick, man.
Their attention drifts away from the window.
BARTLEBY
(pops a donut-hole into his mouth)
Yeah, in other news..
(between bites)
We're meeting Gabriel for lunch to discuss the details.
Loki rolls his eyes.
LOKI
Shit, man. I had already forgotten about that mess. You're way too on-the
-job. Just relax.
A liver sticks to the window, sliding through the blood.
BARTLEBY
(indicating the liver)
You're right. Maybe I should. I'll "liver" alone.
Bartleby looks to Loki. Loki rolls his eyes and finishes his coffee. He slides out of the booth.
LOKI
C'mon, Dawson. Let's check out.
BARTLEBY
What? Kevin Williamson IS funny, you know.
EXT. KRISPY KREME. OUT FRONT
The two step IC inspecting the employee's remnants laying strewn about.
LOKI
Nutty.
BARTLEBY
(sour expression)
What did this...?
Loki kneels, eyeing the corpse. We follow him down as he slaps a dog away, who is trying to eat the entrails.
LOKI
Bad dog.
BARTLEBY
(kneels)
Wait. Lookit this slimey shit all over the place.
Bartleby places the back of his hand in some of the slime. Steam rises as it evaporates and dries.
LOKI
Anything undone by angelic contact is demonic matter...
BARTLEBY
(examining his hand)
I suppose it was sent for us.
LOKI
Couldn't they have just sent us a fucking Pina Colada maker? I mean,
damn. We never get good gifts.
BARTLEBY
No, I mean, it was sent to destroy -... just gimme that cup.
Beat.
LOKI
No.
BARTLEBY
(snatches the dixie cup)
I want to find out what killed this guy and why it was here at the same
time as us. Gabriel knows what's goin' down; no doubt he knows where
this thing came from.
He scoops some of the slime into the dixie cup.
LOKI
(dryly)
Somebody blows their nose and you wanna keep it.
BARTLEBY
Let's split before someone calls the cops..
Bartleby goes. Loki watches the corpse.
LOKI
(calling OC)
You know Rotten.com pays, like, top dollar for mutilation shots !
Beat.
LOKI
Don't give me that look.
INT. THE MALL. SANTA COURT.
In the middle of a shopping mall, a Santa court has been commissioned. The area is knee-deep in fake snow, adorned with child-sized gingerbread playhouses, and steps leading up to an elaborate Santa throne. A slide is at the side of the throne, bringing to mind "A Christmas Story".
A line of children is before "Santa". He's in mid-conversation with a KID on his lap.
KID
But I really want that game, Santa.
SANTA
No. No you don't, Gregory. Santa knows these things.
KID
But my friends said-
SANTA
Look, Gregory. That game... BITES. It sucks. It buries it's tongue
deep in Santa's cho-ho-hoad.
KID
You're supposed to bring me what I want-
SANTA
Listen, you little testicle. If you don't forget about the game, I'm
going to get in my fucking Oldsmobile and run over your dog.
The child begins crying and runs off.
Beat.
SANTA
Fucking kids.
"Santa" rises from his throne, turning to hang up a lunch break sign reading "WILL BE
BACK AT:" He begins turning the hands on it's clock.
KID
(climbs up the steps)
Santa ! I've decided I want-
SANTA
Eat me.
"Santa" grabs the kid, shoving him to a slide at the side of the throne. An almost exact repeat of the scene in Christmas Story occurs, the kid trying to climb up the slide, Santa pushing him down with his boot.
CUT TO:
A shot of the end of the slide. The kid is sliding fast, crying, and reaches the end of the slide, hitting the cold, hard mall floor face-first in the middle of a bustling shopping crowd.
CUT TO:
INT. THE MALL. FOODCOURT.
Santa sits at a table before a tray of food, tearing the fluffy white beard off. He has beady eyes and an unshaven face. Jagged brown hair sticks out from under his Santa hat. He looks nothing like a traditional Santa, considering he looks to be in his twenties and the red suit hangs off of him.
The holiday lettering spells out a name beside him:
IAN DARKLIGHTER
A chair is pulled out across from him. Sean sits, popping a corn dog nugget into his mouth.
SEAN
I think that chick at A&W has the hots for me.
IAN
Shut up.
SEAN
She gave me two extra corn dog nuggets, AND a root beer float.
Pretended it was a mistake. So what's new?
IAN
Trying to enjoy my combo number five.
SEAN
When're you off?
IAN
Two, two thirty.
SEAN
Let's go to Sal's tonight. Free calzones.
IAN
Why do you even hang around that wop?
SEAN
Free calzones. Anyway. You remember how Nick Foresci's gonna
propose to Shelly Hapstak?
IAN
(spitting food onto his fork, examining it)
Uh-huh.
SEAN
Well. He told me this morning about how he slept with Sylvan at
John K.'s party-
IAN
And... I give a shit be-caaaauuuse....
Beat.
SEAN
(defensively)
You do realize that I am the source of blackmail, betrayal, and every inflammatory rumor in this town, right? If it wasn't for me,
there would be no mistrust. No false accusation. No back- stabbing.
IAN
(thoughtfully staring down at his plate)
...well. Uh...
(defiantly)
I'M SANTA.
SEAN
..fair argument, considering how much damage you do to the minds of the children you present yourself to daily in the guise of a childhood icon. Still. Every bit of harmful energy you distribute unto the younger generation, I inflict upon the twenty-somethings.
IAN
And, how many of them do you get to have sit on your lap?
Sean gives him a look.
SEAN
Eat your crazy MEAL.
IAN
I just don't see as much villainy in you as I should. Your gimmick
is uninspired. So you're the "Gossip Queen".
SEAN
I am "The Betrayor".
IAN
You're so insecure.
SEAN
Oh?
IAN
Yup.
SEAN
You're a rectum-sucking, smegma-guzzling, cock-gobbling, flaming homosexual, uncouth BITCH.
IAN
You're a mother fucker.
Sean glares. He points a finger, eyes searching the table for words. He fails to cook something up and sighs, bringing his fist down on the table.
EXT. BUS STOP. LATE MORNING
Bartleby and Loki stand amidst a small crowd, waiting for a bus. Loki still holds the Dixie cup. They're in mid-conversation.
LOKI
Mainly because it's the busiest shopping day of the year.
BARTLEBY
That's why I want to keep out of the stores.
LOKI
Oh, come on. We have fun swimming through the holiday
shopping mobs. Remember Tickle-Me Elmo?
******FLASH BACK # 1 ***********
LOKI
Or, or, POWER Rangers?
******* FLASH BACK # 2 **********
BARTLEBY
I have to hand it you- it does make for some memorable
experiences.
LOKI
I don't care what noise people talk about commercialism.
Holiday shopping is a sport for me.
BARTLEBY
But this year, we're on a mission. We're the-
LOKI
Christmas Angels ? Nigga PLEASE.
BARTLEBY
We have to stay on our toes. We don't know what this title portends yet, so until we find out, you need to take it a little more seriously.
Beat.
LOKI
A'ight. We'll play this your way. Let's make a deal. I'll go along
with this silly little quest Gabriel PRO'LLY dreamed up while,
say, HITTING THE PARAPHENALIA PIPE, but it does NOT interfere with our usual holiday traditions. Like you said, we don't even know what out title proclaims-
BARTLEBY
Portends.
LOKI
Shut up. Anyway, what if it's not as direly important as you think? We could be, like mascots or something.
BARTLEBY
A little tacky, but not impossible.
LOKI
See? I mean, look who they've tapped. The two most fervent observers of Christmas cheer. We've heard every carol, seen every claymation special, crashed every company party. We start celebrating the season before the MALLS even put up their decorations.
BARTLEBY
I just wish it would be that simple.
The bus pulls up. People begin boarding. Bartleby and Loki make their way to the back of the bus.
CUT TO:
INT. BACK OF THE BUS.
A close-up shot of the two, in the back is the window, through it is seen snowfall and passing scenery.
BARTLEBY
What're we after this year?
LOKI
Mm. Hold on.
Loki digs a hand into his overcoat, pulling out a newspaper. From it, he pulls a store catalouge, handing it to Bartleby.
LOKI
Page four. Bottom left corner.
Bartleby flips pages, his eyes searching page four.
BARTLEBY
London broil ...?
Beat. Loki snatches the paper, shuffling through the others, and hands over the correct one. Bartleby reads it.
BARTLEBY
The Sega Quasar.
LOKI
The newest next-gen video game system.
BARTLEBY
Yikes. Does it come with a game?
LOKI
No.
BARTLEBY
An extra controller?
LOKI
No.
Bartleby seems slightly distressed.
BARTLEBY
... a demo disc?
LOKI
...no.
BARTLEBY
Then.. why are we buying it?
LOKI
It's... got good graphics !
BARTLEBY
(suspiciously)
Really..?
LOKI
Yeah , man !
BARTLEBY
(grins)
No WAY !
They both high-five each other. Bartleby continues reading the ad. His enthusiasm melts.
BARTLEBY
Four hundred DOLLARS?
LOKI
Oh, let it go, dude.
BARTLEBY
Does it make TOAST?
LOKI
We've got plenty of cash !
BARTLEBY
(sighs)
Fine, but I get to pick out the game.
LOKI
As long as it's not gay.
BARTLEBY
I have never brought home a gay game.
LOKI
Pffff. Your video game collection is a veritable cornucopia of gayity.
BARTLEBY
What can I say? It's okay to be gay.
LOKI
Flamer.
There's a moment of silence. Lokis takes the paper from Bartleby, who's gazing out the window. The camera switches to the view out of said window. The air is filled with dusting snow. Pedestrians are going about their way, arms filled with shopping bags.
BARTLEBY
Don't you love it? Look at everybody.
LOKI
Huh?
Loki glances out the window.
LOKI
Yeah. There's that kid in the helmet.
Bartleby looks at him sourly.
Another reflective pause as he gazes out the window.
LOKI
So... what do you want for Christmas this year?
BARTLEBY
(grins)
Aw, man... (scratches the back of his head)
it's alright, dude, you don't need to get me anything...I mean, I'm
just lucky to have your company...
Beat. Loki looks at him, slightly repulsed.
LOKI
Well, shit, man. I wasn't getting you anything. I was just curious.
BARTLEBY
(smile melts)
Oh.
EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES. PARKING LOT. DAY
Our boys head towards the door, the bus pulling away from the stop in the foreground. Loki pulls the door open, slapping the back of Bartleby's head as he enters.
INT. INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES. DINING AREA. DAY
A middle-aged man sits at a booth. He has jagged, dirty blonde hair, a white dress shirt underneath a crisp baby blue suit. A baby blue hood overlaps the back of his collar. He's smoking two cigarettes at once, and before him is an ashtray piled high. The man coughs like a mother fucker, hacking loudly before drinking some water.
LOKI OC
Hark, the Herald Angel sings.
Bartleby and Loki step IC, sliding into the booth across from the man. "GABRIEL" is written onscreen adjacent to the man.
GABRIEL
Afternoon, ladies. I guess you both know why I've called you here.
BARTLEBY
Because we've been chosen as-
GABRIEL
(snaps at him)
Because I woke up craving a Rooty-Tooty Fresh-n-Fruity and I'm fucking BROKE.
Gabriel taps a cig on the ashtray.
GABRIEL
...and you've been chosen as, uh... the Christmas Angels.
Gabriel giggles madly, blowing smoke through his nose.
LOKI
I know, dude. That's some funny fucking shit.
BARTLEBY
We need to know what this is all about.
GABRIEL
You're not gonna like it. We're in trouble this year, boys. This
world's chronology is teetering on the brink of certain peril.
LOKI
Wuh-oh.
Gabriel pauses, glaring at Loki. He takes a drag, and continues.
GABRIEL
The threat arises from two assailants. They've taken residence in
this same city. We're not sure of their motivations, but we are
aware of their unholy allignment. There's been a sudden burst of
demonic energy in the area ever since the two assailants popped up
on our shit list.
BARTLEBY
I almost forgot. Loki, the goop.
LOKI
Oh, right.
Loki produces the saturated Dixie cup, holding it out to Gabriel, who just stares at it.
GABRIEL
I'm not taking it. Put that shit down. What is it?
BARTLEBY
We got up this morninig to get donuts. We were sitting by the
window, and a guy got hacked up outside by something. We
checked it out and this slime was everywhere.
Gabriel leans forward, peering into the cup. He blows a smoke ring.
Beat.
GABRIEL
It's ethereal residue. Fallout created when an organism burns it's
way from one plain of being to another. This is an abnormal
occurance. Demons can only manifest themselves through the
human mind and body. Whatever jizzed all over your donut or whatever bore it's way through space, straight outta hell.
LOKI
But that's not possible. Divine sentinels are employed all over
Earth to prevent that.
GABRIEL
That's part of the problem. Most of them have been annihilated.
And if that fact that the sons of bitches knew how to kill an angelic being isn't bad enough, the fact that they could even detect one is worse.
BARTLEBY
When you say sons of bitches, you're referring to the two suspects? They are....
GABRIEL
Their names are Sean Hartle and Ian Darklighter.
BARTLEBY
Who are they?
GABRIEL
Well. I've still got some research to do, a lot of my boys have been dispatched before they could even report back. I do know they live in a nearby neighborhood, and Darklighter works as the Santa Claus at Lynnhaven Mall. Check back with me for further information as I find it.
LOKI
You sure came prepared.
GABRIEL
Suck my cock, pretty boy.
BARTLEBY
Wait, so what does any of this have to do with us being chosen? What exactly are those two doing that requires a seek and destroy
team?
GABRIEL
Shit, do you and your blonde boyfriend ask a lot of questions. Okay, look. You may or may not know about the time eddies.
BARTLEBY
Time eddies?
GABRIEL
The Holy Powers, being the omnipotent maitenance men of existence we are, must also keep the flow of time in check.
Time is like... a big...fuckin'.. Tamogatchi.
LOKI
That's it, I'm leaving.
Bartleby elbows him.
GABRIEL
Now, this is very tricky. Even for us. Our treatment of "Time" has a direct effect on the world of man.
BARTLEBY
This is... all new to me. How exactly might one... supply upkeep to time ?
Gabriel hacks and coughs a bit.
GABRIEL
Well, we normally don't go around talking about this shit. Especially not to half wits like you two. You're pretty much
the niggers of the Heavenly Bodies as far as I'm concerned.
Bartleby and Loki exchange smirks.
BARTLEBY
So. The eddies, what are they?
GABRIEL
Small ruptures in space. They're like vents. Or wormholes. The
flow of time has to vent to keep going, y'know ? The venting
process usually causes odd things to happen in humans. Like deja
vu, or suddenly recalling a past life. Now this next part is crucial.
The eddies are undetected by anything not angelic. We cloak them
so nobody fucks around with them.
LOKI
Why ? What happens when you fuck around with one?
GABRIEL
Anything that passes through an eddie is sent screaming head-first into the bowels of history. And if you haven't seen many movies, let me tell you, time travel can really bust some shit up.
Gabriel sighs smoke, putting one of two cigs out on a pat of butter.
GABRIEL
Every Christmas Eve, a major eddie tears open.
LOKI
Where?
GABRIEL
Well. There's a specific divine sentinel assigned to protecting it.
She decides that. Unfortunately, she's turned up missing in action.
That's part of your mission, to locate her. Her name's Kyra.
BARTLEBY
Do you think the two assailants have anything to do with her
disappearance.
GABRIEL
Considering we can't get a trace on her, and on top of all the
demonic activity that Kyra' presence shouldn't even allow...
LOKI
So Bartleby and I have been selected to find Kyra and knock
these two fucks' blocks off, as to keep them from manipulating
the Christmas Eve time eddie... that makes us the Christmas
Angels.
Loki chuckles.
GABRIEL
Well, it's a great chance to rub out your current status and make
something out of yourself for once.
Gabriel giggles.
GABRIEL
Christmas Angels...
Bartleby rolls his eyes.
GABRIEL
Now. I want you boys to be on the proverbial BALL.
You witness any activity, get to the bottom of it. It's the only
way you'll nab Hartle and Darklighter. You'll have me for backup.
Gabriel reaches into his suit coat, pulling out a small flip-phone. He throws it at Loki, who fumbles, almost dropping it.
GABRIEL
Reach me at speed dial one.
BARTLEBY
Tell me. Whose idea was it to choose us?
GABRIEL
The Almighty's, is that what you want to hear? I bet
you two were pretty pissed after the dust settled from the
plenary indulgence incident and you two remained fallen.
BARTLEBY
Beats Hell. Im not bitter. These three years back on Earth have
taught me the importance of faith over impatience, to say the least.
GABRIEL
Uh-huh.
BARTLEBY
Like, just the few minutes of my existence I spent as a human,
have left an impression in my mind. The things I felt for the first
time. The pain, the perceptions...the dick. I haven't forgotten for
two seconds what it felt like to be human. To be destructable. To-
Gabriel's cell phone rings.
GABRIEL
Excuse me.
Gabriel pulls out the phone, flipping it open.
GABRIEL
Hello?
The camera pans right. We see Loki on his cell phone.
LOKI
Hey, man, it's Loki !
Loki cracks up.
EXT. INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES. PARKING LOT. DAY
The three are exiting IHOP.
GABRIEL
I guess at this early in the ball game, your best bet is to just slide
and let the trouble find you. You had a near-encounter this
morning, you're obviously in their sights.
LOKI
This isn't much of a TASK. This promises to be the most eventful
holiday vacation we've had. It's basically looking for trouble
and kicking ass.
GABRIEL
(to Bartleby)
Tell me, is he only a big, big fag when I'm around?
BARTLEBY
He just wants attention.
They stop as Bartleby checks the bus schedule.
LOKI
So how'd you get here?
GABRIEL
(winces, sarcastically)
On a goddamn bike.
LOKI
Kiss my ass.
GABRIEL
I took the bus to the Pembroke and walked the rest of the way.
Where'd you say you were at this morning?
BARTLEBY
Krispy Kreme on the boulevard.
GABRIEL
I wanna check the scene out for myself if I can get past the pigs.
As I said before, these guys will probably make your job of finding
them incredibly simple. They're not doing a very good job of keep-
ing their presence unknown, so they most
likely think they can take anything we throw at them.
BARTLEBY
A'right. Call us if you come across anything unusual. In the mean
time...
LOKI
...we've got some pressing issues to take care of.
INT. PARKED CAR. DAY
From the POV of the back seat.
Sean and Ian sit in a car parked in a relatively busy part of town. Ian peers over an open newspaper at passing pedestrians. Next to him, Sean tears open a Pixie stick and eats it.
IAN
Are you sure this is the place?
SEAN
Yeah, yeah, just chill.
EXT. RELATIVELY EMPTY PART OF TOWN. DAY
A YOUNG COUPLE step onto the sidewalk, hand-in-hand. The BOYFRIEND is pretty average looking, wearing a winter coat and jeans. The GIRLFRIEND is moderately attractive, but looks like one of those college goth chicks or something with piercings, dyed black hair, and no doubt, revealing, skimpy (yet black) clothing under her (black) furry coat.
Sean starts the car, and it slowly pulls forward, following the couple as they walk. After the first block, they round a corner. A few seconds later, the car rounds it as well. The trend continues for a moment or two. The boyfriend glances over his shoulder at the car. It stops.
The girlfriend pauses, tilting her head and looking up at him.
GIRLFRIEND
What is it, Dane ?
BOYFRIEND
...nothing.
They proceed. So does the car. This continues for a moment.
boyfriend is clearly agitated, and aware of their persuers.
DANE
Let's duck back here and lose these fucks.
Boyfriend squeezes the girlfriend's hand tighter, and they slip into an alley between two stores.
EXT. ALLEY. DAY
GIRLFRIEND (slightly spooked)
What was going on back there?
BOYFRIEND
Don't worry. Just some stupid fuckwads.
They head towards the opposite end of the alley. The girlfriend gasps as the car pulls into said opposite end, parking.
BOYFRIEND
-the fuck ?!
They turn to run the other way, only to find Ian standing at the other end of the alley. The girl shrieks, clinging onto the boyfriend, who begins to be mildly alarmed.
BOYFRIEND
What do you want ?!
Ian begins walking forward, pulling a knife.
GIRLFRIEND
DANE, HE'S GOT A FUCKING KNIFE.
BOYFRIEND
STAY the FUCK back, man-
Suddenly, Sean's hand reaches IC, forcing an ether rag over the boyfriend's mouth. His other hand lifts a knife into the frame-
-cut to black as the girl screams.
EXT. RELATIVELY EMPTY PART OF TOWN.DAY
Bartleby and Loki step out of a store, heading down the sidewalk. The girl's scream rings in the background.
They freeze to exchange glances, and take off running.
EXT. ALLEY. DAY
Bartleby and Loki dart into the alley, only to find Ian stuffing the boyfriend in the trunk, and shoving the girlfriend into the back seat of the car. Ian runs to the passenger's side door,
turning to stare at them. He snarls, baring a set of long, thin fangs.
LOKI
That's one of those fucking guys !
Bartleby whips a .38 out. Ian makes a fist and flips his wrist. Bartleby is jolted, the .38 flying out of his hand. Loki quickly runs forward, pulling a Magnum, but Ian's already in and the car screeches off.
BARTLEBY
DAMMIT.. !
LOKI
Nice shot, Brisco.
Bartleby's eyes scan the asphalt for anything of significance. Well, other than his .38, which he stoops to pick up.
BARTLEBY
Did you catch the plates on that car?
LOKI
Yeah, it said... "Dethmbl"...
BARTLEBY
What?
LOKI
Death mobile.
BARTLEBY
How gay. Wonder what they were doing with those people.
LOKI
Frankly I could care less about the people, I'm just mad we missed
what could've been our first alley-brawl since last summer.
BARTLEBY
Refresh my memory.
LOKI
You remember. Those two faggots in the Hawaiian shirts and vans.
BARTLEBY
Oh. The fight where you pussied out and bailed on me. The self-proclaimed badass motherfuckers. Did we kill them?
LOKI
Nah. Remember? One of them caught my "Wings" reference and
we started chilling while you and that other one were wrestling on
the ground like fags.
Beat.
LOKI
And for the record, I didn't bail. He paid my way to the Chinese
buffet.
They leave the alley, starting down the sidewalk.
EXT. KRISPY KREME DONUTS. OUTFRONT. DAY
Police and paramedics surround the front of Krispy Kreme donuts. The immediate area is roped off by yellow tape. Gabriel approaches the scene, keeping his distance from the police, while trying to get closer to the crime scene. Gabriel turns, eyeing a patch of the yellow slime coating the brick. He kneels, his eyes following a trail of it to a severed limb. We can see clearly that it's covered in claw marks and clear drool. He rises, looking around the sidewalk, finding it littered with bloody paw prints.
Gabriel pulls out the flip phone, punching a button.
Beat.
GABRIEL
Hey. It's me. I'm at the Krispy Kreme. I've found out something
about one of the assailants that should help you.
EXT. RELATIVELY BUSY PART OF TOWN. DAY
Bartleby holds the flip phone to his ear. He gives a sour look.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You've got to be shitting me.
LOKI
What?
Bartleby holds a finger up to Loki.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You're serious, aren't you?
Beat.
BARTLEBY
Alright. Yeah. Bye.
Bartleby flips the phone shut.
LOKI
What'd he say?
BARTLEBY
Based on his observations of the corpse, we're dealing with
something of extra-terrestrial origin...
LOKI
No we aren't.
BARTLEBY
Yes-huh.
LOKI
Do you know how fucking stupid that is? An ALIEN. I mean, am I the only one that sees that?
BARTLEBY
Wait, wait, you're right. This is fucking gay. Let's try this scene again.
EXT. RELATIVELY BUSY PART OF TOWN. DAY
Bartleby holds the flip phone to his ear. He gives a sour look.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You've got to be shitting me.
LOKI
What?
Bartleby holds a finger up to Loki.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You're serious, aren't you?
Beat.
BARTLEBY
Alright. Yeah. Bye.
Bartleby flips the phone shut.
LOKI
What'd he say?
BARTLEBY
Based on his observations of the corpse, we're dealing with flesh
-eating zombies from beyond.
Bruce FUCKING Campbell walks IC.
BRUCE CAMPBELL
Where?
Bartleby and Loki sigh.
LOKI
...one more time.
EXT. RELATIVELY BUSY PART OF TOWN. DAY
Bartleby holds the flip phone to his ear. He gives a sour look.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You've got to be shitting me.
LOKI
What?
Bartleby holds a finger up to Loki.
BARTLEBY (into the phone)
You're serious, aren't you?
Beat.
BARTLEBY
Alright. Yeah. Bye.
Bartleby flips the phone shut.
LOKI
What'd he say?
BARTLEBY
Based on his observations of the corpse, we're dealing with
a lycanthrope.
LOKI
No we aren't.
BARTLEBY
Yes-huh.
LOKI
And, a lycanthrope is what, again?
BARTLEBY
Y'know, those people that think that within them is a wolf or something. They crawl around the house naked, pissing on house plants, and ultimately have the ability to, like "shift into wolf form".
LOKI (disgusted)
What is this? A shitty script written by some high school fuck who has a penchant for bad movies?
Beat.
LOKI
Nevermind. So, wait, is a lycanthrope considered a demon?
BARTLEBY
Yeah, pretty much. They're humans who willfully accepted a
demon into their body in return for the gift.
LOKI
The gift of what?
BARTLEBY
Of being able to become a wolf.
LOKI
How is pissing on trees and sniffing assholes a gift?
BARTLEBY
Just ask the role-playing people on AOL.
LOKI
Yeah, okay.