THE FUNERAL REVELATION
PROLOGUE
SCENE: The boys' apartment. SHELDON, HOWARD, RAJ, and LEONARD are seated around the room typing frantically on their laptops and wearing headsets.
LEONARD: C'mon, get him!
HOWARD: I'm trying!
RAJ: You need to move faster!
(Explosion sound effect. All characters groan.)
SHELDON: (Sighs) I think it's time to face the fact that we are clearly past our prime in the online video game universe. When a 14-year old student in Thailand can mock you in both his native language and yours as he blows you up with a grenade launcher, it's time to hang it up.
HOWARD: Well, we're not done yet.
SHELDON: Oh, please. We're the generation that considered the Atari 2600 the pinnacle of video game development. What possible advantages could we have over child prodigies who spend their time playing video games because they have no girlfriends?
LEONARD: (Pauses) Wasn't that us when we were growing up?
SHELDON: Yes, but we've evolved.
HOWARD: Yes, some evolution. We've grown up from being teen nerds who play video games to being adults who suck at them.
(PENNY enters. She is crying.)
PENNY: Leonard, can I talk to you for a moment? (Blows nose and tosses Kleenex onto floor. All groan as SHELDON scurries frantically over farthest end of sofa before scrambling down the rear hallway.)
PENNY: What?
LEONARD: Penny, you can't just throw your used Kleenexes on the floor like Meg Ryan in Harry Met Sally.
PENNY: Why not? I'll pick it back up in a few minutes…
LEONARD: You don't understand –
(SHELDON enters. He is wearing a surgical mask and gloves and carrying a bucket of cleansing instruments.)
LEONARD: - you see, Sheldon takes this sort of thing very seriously.
(SHELDON removes extended pincher device and lifts Kleenex and deposits in bucket. He then begins spraying the floor area repeatedly.)
LEONARD: And now the rest of us have to live with the smell of ammonia for the next 24 hours.
HOWARD: This is just the beginning. Wait until he's done taping off the area.
PENNY: (Still crying) Well, I'm sorry! I just learned something terrible and I need to talk to somebody!
LEONARD: (Changes tone) Well, hey, hey. It's okay. I'm here. What's wrong?
PENNY: (Dabs eyes) My aunt Matilda passed away and I have to go to her funeral.
LEONARD: I'm sorry. Were you, you know, close?
PENNY: (Glares at him.) No, Leonard, I just cry like this every day.
LEONARD: Well, okay. Take it easy. (Pauses) Is there anything I can do?
PENNY: (Sniffs) Actually, that's why I came over. Do you think you could come to the funeral with me?
LEONARD: (Surprised) You want…me to go to your aunt's funeral with you in Nebraska?
PENNY: (Nods) My dad's going to be there, and so's my family. And you know how he is. If you're not there, he's just going to spend all his time talking about you and asking how you're doing –
LEONARD: (Thinks) So, you just want me there to try and keep the peace between your father, then?
HOWARD: That's what I get to do in my family every time somebody signs out.
PENNY: (Starts crying again.) Oh, Leonard, please! I just can't go back there and face everybody by myself!
(All the boys move closer to comfort her, except Sheldon, who begins waving an ultraviolet light over the floor.)
LEONARD: (Hugs her) Hey, hey, it'll be okay. I promise. (Looks at RAJ and HOWARD) In fact, we'll all go.
RAJ: We will?!
LEONARD: (Glares at him) Yes, WE all will. It'll be okay. You'll have all of us there to support you.
SHELDON: (Still cleaning) I hope most Nebraskans don't throw their viruses around freely.
PENNY: (Cries harder) Oh, thank you, Leonard! (Hugs him. Leonard hugs her back. RAJ whispers to HOWARD.)
HOWARD: (Angry) No, I don't know if this means we'll finally get to learn her last name!
(END)
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