Chapter One - Hidden

Did some things you can't speak of

But at night you live it all again

You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now

If only you would seen what you know now then

Innocent - Taylor Swift

There'd been a time when I'd believed, believed in forgiveness, believed in the goodness and strength of the human spirit. Believed in myself, in my dreams but that had been before. Before that night, before my life had been completely turned upside down and changed forever. What had started out, as a little fun between friends had turned into a waking, living nightmare.

Georgina had said to run, to split up and go separate our ways. Little did she know that we didn't run, we stayed, we waited, hidden in the shadows until the paramedics arrived. We held onto each other, seeking what little comfort we could, silently praying that maybe we'd wake up. Hoping that Pete, even after what damage he'd caused, that he'd be okay, that by some miracle he'd come out of that building alive and we could all just go back to our normal lives.

The minutes ticked by like hours, each one more agonizingly slower than the last. Each one lessening our hope of seeing Pete alive, just that little bit more. Blood stained our once perfectly manicured hands, and was smeared over our clothes, our faces. But that didn't matter, none of it did, none of the physical pain or anguish, all that mattered was what came next through those hotel doors and what meant for the future, what was left of it anyway.

Every hope we had came crashing down the moment those hotel doors opened. I felt the world around us shatter for the second time; I felt it changing again in ways I knew we had yet to discover. All I could do was watch in numbing disbelief as they wheeled Pete's body down the steps and into the ambulance. It wasn't supposed to end this way, I hadn't wanted this...I didn't, any of it.

I can still remember my bare knees hitting the rough, cold, wet surface of the pavement as the crushing weight of our actions hit me. The arms around my shoulders didn't provide the comfort we both desired, it did nothing but remind us that all of our previous actions had brought us to this point...Pete was dead because of us...where do we go from here?

Someone...please tell me.

I'm lost.

Closing the journal over, Annabelle Worthington stared absently at the red cover, wondering when she would in fact find out the answer to that question. Where do we go from here? A year on she was still no closer to figuring it out, figuring out how she was meant to move on with her life as though nothing had happened. Who could she turn to; there was no one, because there was no one who would understand what had happened that night. The one person who could have, had left, gone without a word, with no explanation leaving Annabelle to carry this burden alone. Taking the journal between her hands, the blonde pushed aside her clothes and buried the it back into the dark, safe confines of the chest of drawers, before closing it tight. Her hand lightly rested against the solid oak before slipping away and dropping to her side.

Turning back around, Annabelle headed back to her bed to retrieve her bag and jacket, refusing to look back as she left her room and soon after her house. It had been a long time since she'd opened that drawer, since she'd allowed herself to read the words she'd written down so very long ago. One would ask, if it brought so many bad memories back then why read it in the first place and the truth was, she didn't know. Since yesterdays Gossip Girl blast had revealed Serena Van der Woodsen had finally returned to the Upper East Side, Annabelle had been walking around in a bit of a haze. The memories which she'd kept buried for so long were now battling for release and Annabelle feared what would happen if they succeeded.

Pulling her scarf tightly around her neck, and crossing her arms over her chest, Annabelle stepped out onto the busy streets of Upper Manhattan. Smiling politely to the door man currently stood in front of her building, she bid him goodbye and began her way down the street. Really she wanted nothing more than to stay in the penthouse all day, locked away from everyone but she knew her Father would find out and he'd surely have a field day pulling her up about that. If going to school and forcing a smile onto her face helped her to avoid that, then she was only too happy to do it. It wasn't like he was home much anyway and Annabelle would rather not have him mad at her the few days he was home.

Rounding onto the street Constance Billiards School for girls sat, Annabelle took a deep breath to help steady her permanently frayed nerves. Pulling her jacket tighter around her slim body, she tucked her hair behind her ear and began walking towards the gates, keeping her eyes focused on the ground below her. Mostly she went by the other students un-noticed, which was how she liked it nowadays, it made forgetting, even pretending, that much easier. Though there was only so long you could get away with remaining invisible, especially if you happened to be friends with the one and only Blair Waldorf.

Blair. How could one go about describing this particular Waldorf? Blair was the Queen 'B' of Constance. She was a complex character that was for sure, what you got on the surface was not necessarily the person she was deep down. Say what you wanted about her, but Annabelle knew Blair only as a loyal and true friend. Even after a whole year of Annabelle pushing everyone away, Blair stood steady and refused to budge, knowing exactly what Annabelle was trying to do, even if she wasn't aware of the reasons for it, she'd already lost one friend this year, there was no way she was allowing another to walk out of her life. In a way this gave Annabelle some strange sort of comfort, she couldn't tell Blair but she could cling to that sane piece of her old life and somehow manage to make believe everything was still the same.

"Anna there you are..."

Looking up Annabelle found Blair waiting for her at the bottom of the steps leading up to the school. Smiling softly she stopped in front of the brunette, quietly greeting Blair's little following. Blair smiled brightly, linking her arm through Annabelle's as they began to walk up the steps. "Jenny Humphrey caught up with you yet?" Annabelle asked, filling the silence. Blair sighed dramatically and shook her head,

"Not yet...you slipped out of the party early yesterday, didn't even say goodbye." Blair stated, jumping straight to the point. Annabelle bit down on her lip, her already tense body tensing just that little bit more. Blair was right; she hadn't bothered saying goodbye because all she could think about was slipping away when she spotted Serena there. She hated parties anyway and tended to avoid them; like one would the plague but Blair hadn't really given her an option, reminding Annabelle they were friends and Annabelle had blown her off way too much over the last year. Yes, Blair was in fact an expert at guilt tripping those around her, even those who had nothing to feel guilty about.

"I'm sorry I just...I didn't feel well..." she lied easily, smiling at Blair who seemed to search her face for a moment before shrugging.

"Whatever just as long as you don't pull a Houdini at the 'Kiss on the Lips' party, I want all my friends there, no exceptions." She said; in a tone that clearly said not to even bother arguing. So instead of answering, Annabelle said nothing, a cold sickly feeling settling into her stomach at the thought of attending another party, especially one like Blair had planned.

Once in school the girls parted ways and headed to their own individual lessons, as usual Blair's little clique trailed after her making Annabelle smile ever so slightly. It was actually amusing how hard all the girls worked to remain part of Blair's inner circle. Before she even had chance to step into her English Class, Jenny Humphrey appeared out of nowhere, carrying a beautifully floral box in her arms, a bright smile on her young face. "Hey Anna, I was looking for Blair, I finished addressing her invitations and you know I just wanted to..."

"Jenny...breathe..." Annabelle said finding herself slightly amused by the fourteen year old. "You just missed Blair she's in class...but she'll be on the steps at lunch...catch her then okay?" she said, adjusting the bag on her arm. Jenny blushed lightly and nodded her head, giving Annabelle a small wave before she hurried off down the corridor, no doubt hurrying to get to class. For a moment Annabelle watched her go, Jenny Humphrey was a sweet girl, slightly naive mind you. She had a desire to be part of the in crowd, Annabelle just hoped she understood the implications if she actually succeeded.

Shaking her head, she stepped into class and quickly found herself a spot at the end of the table, closest to the door. Avoiding the chattering students around her as they all settled into class, instead she concentrated on pulling out a note book and pen from her bag, barely paying attention to the chair beside her being pulled out as someone finally sat down. "Hey." Annabelle straightened up instantly, a sick feeling settling into her stomach as she inclined her head to the side and came face to face with the last person she wanted to see right now.

"Serena...I didn't expect...didn't expect to see you here." She said, looking away from the imploring eyes of the blonde beside her. Her grip on the pen in her hand tightened to the point her knuckles had turned white, Annabelle refused to look back at Serena, not ready for the horrid feeling that had rushed over her being in the presence of her old friend. Sure she'd expected it, after all there'd been no way she'd be able to avoid Serena in school, she just hadn't expected to bump into her so soon, her first lesson nonetheless.

"I tried calling you last night A, I think we should..."

"Yeah I was busy." Annabelle said, cutting Serena off mid sentence and focusing her attention back onto the teacher. Serena sighed quietly, looking down at the desk for a moment, the immense guilt she felt gnawing away at her. It hadn't lessened over the year, and why would it have, she'd hurt a lot of people by leaving, some more than others. Reaching out her hand, she placed it gently over Annabelle's only to have the other girl snap back her hand with lightning like reflexes.

"Anna...?" she said her friends name softly, almost pleadingly, but the other girl simply shook her head and leaned down to grab her bag.

"I can't do this..." Annabelle said breathlessly, her heart thudding against her chest painfully as the familiar feeling of a panic attack began to wash over her. Pushing out from the desk, Anna grabbed her notepad and ignoring the calls from her teacher, practically ran from the classroom, almost tripping over herself in her haste. She didn't care though, didn't bother to answer the call of her name, all that mattered was getting away from the memories Serena brought back with her.

Annabelle hadn't returned to school, in fact when she'd left class she'd hurried straight home, concluding she shouldn't have left in the first place, she hadn't been ready to face Serena. It saddened her because she'd missed her friend terribly, now she was back and obviously intent on making an effort. Problem was it felt too little too late to Annabelle; Serena had just became another reminder of the nightmare she was so desperately trying to escape from. All she wanted was to remain curled up in her room but when a txt alert sounded on her phone, Annabelle had a feeling she wasn't going to be allowed to do that. Clambering out from beneath the sheets she shuffled across the room and retrieved her phone from her bag,

Nate (Mobile),

Sep 24, 2007,

3:15:23 PM

Coffee? Usual spot?

Smiling the first real genuine smile she had all day, Annabelle sent a quick reply back to Nate. He needed to talk and she welcomed the distraction from her own thoughts for a while, plus when they had coffee there was usually cake involved so who was she to turn him down. Dropping her phone back into her bag, Annabelle sighed quietly and turned to her closet, planning on finding something a little more comfortable than her uniform to wear for coffee with the one and only Nate Archibald.

Opting for a window seat, in the coffee house, Annabelle sat back in the plush seats, tucking her knees beneath her as she waited for Nate to show up. Considering he'd been the one to text her, once again Annabelle had found she'd arrived before him, it was nothing new and she didn't mind. This time alone, although she disliked it, gave her a few moments to observe the people around her, or as they passed the window. Often she'd make up stories in her head about where they were headed, what their lives were like. Like everything she did these days it was nice distraction from her own thoughts, in fact that was probably one of the reasons she enjoyed being with Nate so much, just a small amount of time in his presence and she found it easy to pretend she was the old Annabelle...the one without a secret.

Nate had been the first person to befriend her when her family had moved back to the Upper East Side, which they'd left 22 years ago after her parents had married. When Annabelle had turned 12 though they'd returned, and through their Father's being friends, Annabelle had met Nate, who in turn had introduced her to Serena and Blair, then later on Chuck. It had been an instant friendship; Nate had immediately made her feel at home in the city. They'd always been close, and as the years had passed they'd only grown closer, once platonic feelings had deepened into something more profound. However neither had acted on anything, after all, Nate was meant to be with Blair, it had been on the cards since before Annabelle had even shown up. It was just the way things were meant to be.

"Hey, sorry, you forget sometimes how much Chuck can talk..."Nate said in greeting as he dropped into the chair opposite Annabelle, giving her one of his trademark smiles. Shrugging her shoulders Anna returned the smile though it didn't, as always, touch her eyes and although, Nate noticed this, he didn't say anything. Well he wasn't going to say anything just yet, all it did was initiate Annabelle closing right off from him and that was the last thing he wanted.

"It's no problem, you're always late. I'm used to it by now." She teased, causing Nate to laugh and shake his head. There was no arguing that with her, he knew she was right, so he let it slide, there were other more serious things he needed to talk about anyway. Again, he'd tried to with Chuck but as always, his friend's unique view on life hadn't helped his situation, so he instead turned to Annabelle. He knew she'd get him, be honest and give him the kind of advice he needed. Somehow she always came through for him, even when he knew he'd screwed up; she refrained from judging and simply acted like a friend when he needed one the most. "So, what's on your mind?"

Nate sighed deeply and shook his head, surprise flickering over his face when the waitress placed a coffee in front of him and hot chocolate in front of Annabelle. The young woman shot him a smile before walking away, so obviously they didn't need to order anymore. "I'm starting to think we come here too much." He commented in amusement, smiling when he heard Annabelle laugh lightly. Running a hand through his hair he sighed again, before leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees. "Blair's invited me over tonight...her Mom's going to the country house..." he said, trailing off not really needing to say any more. Annabelle nodded her head, biting down on her lip not really wanting to delve into it all that much. Reaching for her drink, she nursed the warm cup between her hands, "I just don't know...I mean...I don't know what I mean...something just doesn't feel...right I guess." He explained a little more, his eyes drifting up to look at Annabelle whose focus was on the window and the people passing by.

"Does that something wrong go by the name Serena?" she asked, after a few moments turning to look at him, not missing the slight surprise on Nate's face. Of course she was right, he'd deny it of course but she knew better, she knew what had happened between Serena and Nate on the night she left. Nate, as expected shook his head, and he knew that. "Nate come on, just be honest with yourself for once please. You seem to forget that I know what happened between you and Serena that night...Serena told me...you can't just claim it as a coincidence that the moment she returns you start having doubts about Blair."

As she spoke she ignored the gnawing unpleasant feeling in the pit of her stomach when she thought about what Serena and Nate had shared. For so long she'd kept her own feelings for Nate buried, and even at one point before that night believed that he may feel the same for her. Then Serena had called her, they'd met up and the other blonde had told her what had happened, that her and Nate had slept together. Serena had been Nate's first.

"It's nothing to do with Serena, Anna I just, being with Blair it's...I don't know, it's become some sort of safety net for me. She loves me and I love her...I'm just not sure I'm in love with her..." he sighed softly his hands fixed on the blonde in front of him, trying without words to convey what he was truly saying. There'd been a moment, before Serena, before last year that he'd believed both he and Annabelle were becoming more than friends, in fact he'd wanted more than friendship. She seemed to get him in ways not even Blair could, and they'd been together for years. Things had once seemed so easy between them both but now; he feared their moment had gone.

Annabelle had changed. After Serena had left, Annabelle had become somewhat of a recluse, avoiding parties where she could, avoiding her friends, and even avoiding him. She was different and he couldn't understand or even begin to guess why. An entire year had gone by and she'd given no hint of reason for the change, he just hoped that in time he'd come to understand it or she'd confide in him.

"Well it's time you were honest with her and yourself, if you're not in love with Blair don't keep stringing her along, let her go Nate. It's not fair, to you or to her..." she said softly, watching as Nate looked up at her, his eyes locking onto her own,

"And then what?" he asked, his voice low and full of questions Annabelle couldn't answer. Instead she broke off their connection and looked down to the drink in her hands, giving a small shrug of her shoulders, ignoring the incessant pounding of her heart against her chest.

"I don't know."

Author's Note - Well I finally did it, I finally gathered the nerve and posted this. I've had this little story running around inside my head for almost a year now, but I've been too afraid to post, for reasons lost to me, but here it is, Chapter 1 of my new Gossip Girl story.

It will be loosely based around the series, there'll be elements to it you'll recognize, but with a new character and member of the group Annabelle I'm hoping to liven things up and make the lives of our favorite elite group all the more troublesome and complicated.

The songs I open chapters with are songs I'd recommend listening to as they're either central to the plot or the story in general. Innocent by Taylor Swift actually inspired the opening journal entry at the beginning.

Let me know what you guys think!

Enjoy!