Few warnings before you read. As always with my stories Derek and Spencer are together in this. Also spoilers mentioned for the episode 'Nelson's Sparrow' in case you're not caught up with it yet. Thanks for reading and enjoy.
-CM-
Leaning against the wall and looking around the room, coffee cup in one hand and a bagel in the other, Spencer Reid felt content for the first time in weeks. Some tough cases had happened in the past couple of months and Spencer still couldn't get over the look of anguish and sadness on JJ's face when she told him the real details of what happened to her in Afghanistan. For reasons he wasn't sure of, after JJ had confided to him about the experience, the cravings had started to come back. For a while he found he was able to ignore them, push them to the back of his mind and focus on work or snuggle closer to Derek if they were sitting on the couch together. As time passed, though, he found those defense walls he put up were crumbling and at times he could feel his fingers start to tremble, his mind turning on him and saying just one more hit would make the unknown hurt go away. Tonight it had finally gotten to a point where he felt he was close to breaking and needed a meeting to vent and reassurance that he didn't need the drug anymore.
When he had told Derek he wouldn't be going to Garcia's place for the movie night they were supposed to have together Derek was immediately concerned, asking him a thousand questions. "I just need to clear my head", he had told Derek after he had stopped talking. "I'll be at the community center getting some thoughts out that I can't with you. You understand right?"
Derek had placed his arms around Spencer and kissed him softly. "Of course, baby boy. Take as much time as you need to. Call me if you need anything."
After a quick "thank you" from Spencer they went their separate ways, Spencer actually taking his car instead of the train since it was so cold outside and the train station was far from the community center. He parked his car, walked into the room and took his usual seat towards the back. Once the time came he stood in front of his fellow law enforcement personnel and spoke what was on his mind. He took more time than he usually did but he just had to get his feelings spoke out loud and this was the easiest setting for him to do so. To some point these people knew what he was going through, and would for the rest of his life, and hearing their advice and encouragement was helpful.
Spencer looks to his left when he hears his name being called. Walking towards him was the person who had helped him the most after all these years, had been there with encouragement and who had been his main sounding board when he couldn't share certain things with Derek. "Nice to see you again Jon," he says when the man walks closer to him.
"Good to see you, too, Spencer." He takes a sip from his own coffee cup before speaking again. "You look better than when you walked in here. More relaxed and calm. Feeling better now that you've spoken?"
Spencer nods his head before he speaks. "Much. I didn't realize I had so much bottled up inside or how those emotions were really affecting me. I always managed to keep it hidden even if they wanted to show and it never affected my work so I thought everything was fine. It's been years; I thought eventually they wouldn't be as strong as they are."
Jon places a hand on Spencer's shoulder and squeezes slightly. "You know it'll always be there, but you have proven to yourself you can overcome them. Never be afraid to call me if you feel yourself slipping in anyway and need to talk; I'll always be available to talk to you."
Smiling Spencer looks up at Jon and shakes his hand, surprising Jon since he knew Spencer wasn't fond of handshakes. "Thank you Jon." Jon smiles and walks towards some other members still hanging around the room.
Spencer throws his now empty cup into the garbage can before leaving the room. Now that he had everything off of his chest all he wanted was Derek's arms wrapped around him and have the feeling of security. Before he can even leave the community center, though, his phone goes off. Taking his phone out of his pocket he sees he has a text message from Hotch. He waits until he's settled in his car to open the message.
'Emergency meeting. Body found at Gideon's cabin. Meet me there.' Nothing else is mentioned in the message; nothing saying that the body is or isn't Gideon. Throwing his phone to the floor of his car and holding back tears he starts it and drives off, not noticing that Derek is trying to call him.
This can't be good, he thinks as he drives towards Gideon's cabin. While they had not spoken since Gideon's last case with them he was never far from Spencer's mind. He found himself just staring into space at times, wondering what Gideon was doing or where he was and if he was happy. At times he found himself digging out Gideon's letter from where he kept it, hidden in a drawer in his home office that remained locked, and just read it over and over again even though he knew it by heart. How could he forget the man that brought him into the BAU much earlier than people were allowed to join? How could he forget the man that guided him through his first crime scene when he almost threw up at the sight of a real dead body? How could he forget the man that gave him advice when he needed it even if it took him some time to find the real meaning behind it? But most of all…how could he forget the man who helped him find his forever partner?
His eyes never leave the road. The car ride is silent except for the sound of the motor and other passing cars. His posture does not change as he drives. The only thing that does change is the bickering going on inside his head going back and forth, trying to find more meaning in the message that what he currently knows.
Maybe it isn't as bad as Hotch is making it sound like. Maybe I'm just over reacting to the message, there's no way Gideon is…there's just no way. That has to be it; I'm just reading too far into the message without knowing any real details. There's no way it's him. It can't be him…it can't be…
Eventually he leaves the paved road and it turns into one full of bumps and hills as the car moves through the woods to the cabin. Just a few minutes later he finds himself pulling up to the cabin he thought he would never see again. He puts his car in park, turns off the car and the headlights and just stares ahead. The last time he had been here, nearly 8 years ago, the cabin was dark and Spencer had needed his flashlight to get around. Now, though, there was plentiful light and more cars were there including a local police car. What remained the same, however, was the silence. Even with all the cars there and people there was still the blissful silence that night brought every time. From inside the car Spencer could hear the wind blowing leaves around and hear the scurrying of the nocturnal animals. What he didn't hear made him think this really was something bad.
He didn't hear people talking. The front door was open so someone would have heard his car pull up. If this was a normal situation Hotch or even JJ would have met him outside and gave him a quick breakdown of what was inside. But no one came outside. No one was coming outside. He closes his eyes and counts to ten, trying to control the tears that wanted to escape so badly. When he feels in control he gets out of his car, looking around quickly to see if he spots Derek's truck with no luck. He braces himself, placing his clenched hands into the pockets of his long coat and slowly makes his way towards the door.
Walking in on quiet feet he slips into the cabin. A CSI is leaving the room while Hotch looks up and meets his eyes, a somber and unreadable look on his face. Rossi, Kate and JJ turn to face Reid as he walks in, JJ giving him a small smile and a pat on his arm. Trying hard not to start crying he gives a small smile back while his eyes stay focused on the plastic sheet covering the body that could be his former mentor. But it's not him, his mind fights back. He stays silent, eyes stay looking down even when he hears more footsteps coming into the cabin. Reid doesn't even move when he feels a hand settle on his lower back.
It's Garcia who eventually speaks what everyone was wondering: "Are you sure?"
The somber look still on his face Hotch gives the answer he knows will crush their youngest team member. "It's Gideon." Not even five seconds later Reid is out of the room, pushing himself past Garcia and his love without looking back, and running into the darkness.
Nobody moves for some time. None of them ever thought they would see Gideon again, much less be notified that he was murdered. Knowing him the least Kate just stands around the room, thinking over everything she had heard of him and old stories that run their course through the FBI. She looks at Rossi and sees his eyes holding back tears, along with Hotch, emotion she had never seen from her superiors before. JJ and Garcia stay silent while Derek stands behind her, his eyes showing conflicting emotions. Kate walks over and places her hand on Derek's shoulder. He turns and faces her, a few tears slipping from his eyes.
"Go to him," she says. "I'll stay here with them. He needs you now."
Derek says a quick "thank you" before rushing out the door, running into some more CSI's. He quickly pushes passed them and looks around the surrounding area, trying to find his man. With his sight being hindered due to the darkness he relies on his ears, trying to pick up on any sounds that could be his man. He walks a little way but all he hears is the animals of the night. "Spence," he calls but gets no response. Taking out the flashlight he grabbed from his truck he turns it on and looks around but finds no body that is his man. "Reid!" he calls again while walking again.
Another few minutes of walking and he hears something that makes him stop in his place. It's the sound of a person, that he knew right away; a person in great distress. Shinning his flashlight in the direction of the noise he finds the person on the ground, on their hands and knees, coughing heavily. As he gets closer he realizes two things: one, the person isn't coughing, they're dry heaving; and two, the person is the move of his life. "REID!" he cries running to his side.
When Derek finally reaches his side Spencer is still dry heaving and tears are running down his face. Derek pulls him and wraps his arms around the man that has changed his life in more ways than he can define. Spencer tries to fight him but his stomach refused to stop cramping and he continues to dry heave even though nothing is left to come up. "Easy, baby, easy," Derek tries to soothe him. "You need to calm down Spence. Try taking deep breaths, that should help calm your stomach down." He places one of his hands on his chest and exaggerates his breathing so Spencer can hear it. It takes some time but eventually Spencer calms down, leaning somewhat heavily on Derek as he gets his breath back. Both say nothing, just taking in the comfort from each other, Derek placing kisses on Spencer's face, neck, the top of his head, wherever he could reach him.
It's Spencer who gets up off the ground first, using Derek to brace his shaky legs as he stands. "Thank you," he says hoarsely when Derek grabs his hands and pulls him into a hug. The tears have stopped and Spencer doesn't think he could produce anymore. All he feels is sadness and disbelief that this was really happening. He doesn't even feel Derek kiss the back of his neck; his whole body feels numb. Nothing can penetrate the absolute feeling of numbness that replaces the normal feelings that flood him when Derek touches him or kisses him, especially at the back of his neck.
"You're welcome, baby," Derek responds calmly. "Come on, let's get back to the others. They'll be looking for us." Slowly, very slowly, the two lovers make their way back to the cabin, Derek never letting go of the hold he has on Spencer. Derek knew this day, or this case rather, would be emotionally draining for his love but he would be there for him always. No matter how much Spencer tried to push him away, and he was sure he would try to a few times, but Derek loved him too much to let him handle this on his own.
-CM-
Morning arrived and the sun peaked through the tree branches that littered the forest. More cops were present than just a few hours ago and the CSI's were all but gone now leaving just the remaining BAU members. Someone had gone and fetched the team breakfast and coffee and they all greedily took them. At least all but one. Since they had returned to the cabin Spencer had not spoken to anyone. He moved when prodded and when someone tried to comfort him he walked away. Even Derek couldn't get him to talk, no matter how much he pleaded or asked. It was killing him to see the man he loved hurting so much and not be allowed to comfort him.
Right now Derek watched the medical examiners taking the body of their old unit chief and teammate to the back of the truck that would bring him to the corners office. The only ones outside with him were Rossi, Hotch and Spencer along with some of the local police. Once the body was loaded and the doors were shut Derek and Spencer loaded into one of their SUVs, ready to follow the van to the corners office to get final conclusions. Throughout the whole ride Derek tried to get Spencer to talk but he just wouldn't speak. Derek managed to get some looks while they drove and what he saw scared him. He had seen Spencer scared before; Derek remembered the look on Spencer's face when he witnessed a father kill a boy right in front of him, his daughter present. That look had remained on his face for some time, until they had gotten home and Spencer had cried a good amount, but it had disappeared.
What he saw on his face now was nothing compared to that past time. Spencer's eyes were dead, not a hint of life present. His body language told him how upset he really was; his head was leaned against the headrest to the right looking out the window but not noticing anything. He looked like he wanted to crawl into a tight ball and never come out of it. As a last ditched effort to provide comfort Derek placed his right hand on Spencer's shoulder but, yet again, there was no response.
When they reach the corners office Derek almost has to pull Spencer out of the car, he was so lost in his thoughts he hadn't noticed they arrived. They walk slowly into the building and wait in the lobby until the medical examiner is ready for them. Not a word is shared between them even though Derek tried many times. Not long after they were called in and lead to meet the head medical examiner. They walked into the room to see the doctor standing by the exam table with Gideon's body covered by a thin white sheet. Derek made introductions and then she spoke.
"I kept him covered out of respect." She then went on to explain how he died, how he died quickly and didn't suffer. Derek looked over at Spencer as the words were said but his eyes still held the blank stare it had earlier but something was different this time. Tears were present but not yet falling. He knew at this moment that if he didn't get Spencer to let out his emotions now, he would be no help finding Gideon's killer.
Facing the doctor he asks, "Could you give us a moment please?" She leaves quickly and quietly leaving the two lovers and deceased mentor in the room.
Focusing on his man he places a hand on his shoulder as he says, "Did you hear anything she said? He didn't suffer." Those words finally got the tears rolling and Spencer quickly wiped them away, hand shaking as they go towards his face. He sniffs as Derek keeps talking to him. "Listen to me, listen to me. You put up these walls and block us out but you can't do that right now. We need you kid; Gideon needs you." He lets those words sink in for a moment before he speaks again. "I'm going to step outside. When you're ready…let's go to work." He places a gently pat on his back as he steps away and out the door.
Having a moment of privacy to himself Derek allows himself a moment of grief to spread across him. Derek may have questioned his actions after the bombing in Boston, and he hated him so much when he up and left Spencer with just a note explaining why he left, but he did admire the man. Gideon had taught him so much while he was with them, lessons that he may have never learned from anyone else. If Derek could have one more moment with him he would thank him for everything he did for him. Most would assume he would want to slap him, curse him off or not do anything if he had the chance; but no, he would say thank you, and not just for teaching him everything. He would thank him for bringing him an amazing man into his life and forever changing it.
Not long after he left did the door open and Spencer walked out looking distraught still but there seemed to be more life in his eyes; no doubt determination to find who killed the man who brought him into the BAU. They embrace quickly in the tightest hug they shared since last night before they got the news of Gideon's death. As they pull apart Derek cups Spencer's face in his hands and asks for the one-thousandth time, "Are you ok?"
For the first time Derek receives a reply. "I will be. Thank you." They let go of each other and walk out back to their car, never more determined to catch a killer.
-CM-
They had finally found Gideon's killer after a day and a half of hunting him. They all gathered one last time at Gideon's cabin, saying final goodbyes to Stephen, Gideon's son, and getting one last look at the cabin that had been his sanctuary when things got tough. Derek watched as Spencer not only shook Stephen's hand but also embraced him in a hug before they both went their separate ways. Derek had given Stephen a handshake as well before he walked to be closer to Rossi and Hotch who were talking animatedly amongst themselves. Eventually all seven of them were gathered by the SUVs, small smiles on their faces. Together they leave, Derek placing a hand on Spencer's shoulder as he walks past him. The drive back to the BAU is silent, each person in mourning and lost in their own thoughts. Once back Hotch dismisses them for the day, telling them to go home and get some rest.
Derek drives while Spencer remains silent. They share no words as they drive nor as they walk up the steps to Derek's apartment. As they walk in Clooney greets them happily but Spencer just walks past him and heads towards their bedroom while Derek takes care of his dog. "Hey boy, come on, let's get you fed. You hungry boy?" He laughs when Clooney jumps up and down wildly and barks at him. Quickly he gets his food ready and Clooney is eating happily a short time later. Derek locks the front door and walks into the bedroom only to find Spencer not lying down like he thought he would. Just as he's about to call his name he hears the shower start and sees the bathroom light is on.
He strips down to nothing and quietly sneaks into the bathroom. Spencer is behind the curtain already and in the process of washing his hair when Derek slips in behind him. After he washes out the shampoo Derek winds his arms around his middle and places his chin on Spencer's right shoulder. "How you holding up baby?" he asks. Besides the few tears he let slip at the corners office Spencer had yet to break down and cry, something Derek knew to expect sooner or later. When he doesn't answer him or move, Derek releases his hold on his middle and turns him around. Even though they were in the shower Derek knew his face wasn't just covered in water from the shower, but also from tears.
"Come here, Pretty Boy," he calls as he pulls his man closer. Not even a second later Spencer has his face buried in Derek's chest and great gulping tears and sobs are escaping. Derek does as much as he can to help his love but the only thing that feels right at the moment is to hold him. Yet again no words were spoken between the two. No loving endearments, no teasing remarks they usually shared when they showered together, no washing each other's body. Derek just held the man he loved while he cried his heart out, all the while letting some of his tears fall as well.
After some time passes Derek can feel the remaining energy from Spencer draining as it often did after a lot of emotional upheaving. "Let's finish getting cleaned up Spence," he whispers to his man. Derek grabs the conditioner bottle and places some in Spencer's hair once he's gotten it wet again. Tears still falling Spencer manages to get enough energy to wash his own body while Derek washes him. Once they were all washed and clean Derek guides Spencer out and after drying off they walk into the bedroom. Grabbing just a pair of boxers for each of them Derek helps Spencer, who's nearly falling asleep leaning against him, get into them and then gently places him on the bed. He quickly dons his and pulls the covers back, pulling Spencer closer to him and throws the blankets and covers over them.
Adjusting himself Spencer turns to face Derek. He never thought in a million years he would ever find someone who would love him, yet here he was in the arms of an amazing man whom he would have never met if it weren't for Gideon. "Thank you for everything Derek," he says while Derek places a kiss on his forehead. He closes his eyes and hums with contentment when he feels the heavy but comforting arms wrap around him.
"Anything for you baby," Derek whispers back. Kisses are exchanged before both men find themselves falling asleep knowing the other is safe. Before Spencer falls completely asleep he finds his mind remembering every moment he and Gideon shared, all the ups and downs they shared. He may have left him without a proper goodbye but Spencer would always remember his mentor, eidetic memory or not. His final thoughts before he sub comes to the sleep he desperately needs is something he wished he got to say to him while he was alive.
Goodbye Gideon.
-CM-