You Will Never Be Alone
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Cameron's hair drifted with the wind as she stood rooted to her spot, flanked by moss covered gravestones as she silently kept watch. Her eyes traced the lines of the rolling hills and valleys of the cemetery where row upon row of bronze plates lay, each one stamped with only a year. They were markers for the faceless, those who had died alone, all that marked the last earthly remains of people who for all intents and purposes never existed.
Her gaze continued on to the hills adjacent to her, briefly pausing on Sarah and Derek before coming to rest on John. He stood alone from the others, further up the hillside with his back toward her. Cameron had visually surveyed the cemetery exactly thirty times over the last half-hour and he had been there since her first sweep. He wanted to be alone, she knew that, especially after the events of the past few days. She also knew after spending nearly the last two years in his presence when he needed someone to talk to, even if he didn't say it outright.
She moved to stand beside him, laying a hand on his shoulder when he didn't acknowledge her presence. When Cameron saw the expression on John's face, she didn't need to ask him what he was thinking about. The stony exterior he so frequently wore did little to hide the pain and confusion she knew lay below the surface. They shared a brief moment of silence, each studying the other before John turned away from her, returning his eyes to focus on some point in the distance.
"I got him killed."
"Did you?" Cameron asked.
"I was pulling him over the side of the boat when he got hit. I lost my grip on his hands when I dropped to the deck." He looked down at his boots. The dark leather was still tinged faintly with blood from the incident.
"You did what you had to do. You survived."
"He could have been alive and I left him there to die."
"You were under fire, there was nothing you could have done." Her voiced lowered. "If you returned for him… you would have died too. You made a hard decision, you did it quickly; it's something you'll do often in the future."
"Maybe he's lucky. He won't have to face what's coming. No burdens, no worries."
"You cared about him, you regret his death because you believe you could have prevented it. You wish you could have done better. It's normal to feel guilt and regret over your actions."
"Yeah… well I guess that doesn't matter now. In the end, he's just another name on a list of people who have died because of me, because of who I am. Sometimes I think I should be used to this by now, but I don't think I ever will be." His voice was low and hoarse.
"Guilt and regret are detrimental to your well-being if you let them consume you, but they're also valuable. They push you to do better than you did before, to learn from your mistakes."
"You know so much more than people give you credit for."
"Future you and I talked a lot."
"Do you feel those things?"
"Guilt and regret?"
He nodded.
"It's hard to quantify in words what I could consider equivalents."
"But you do experience something," he stated.
"Yes. I do."
"What do you regret? What do you feel guilt over?"
She paused and her eyes briefly fell to study the sun-baked ground at her feet. "Many things."
"Care to elaborate on one?"
"In the church, after you brought me back and fought for my existence; I told you things had changed, that you couldn't be trusted anymore. You risked your life to save me and I hurt you in return. I never apologized. It's something I think about often."
"That was a long time ago, Cameron." He turned to her and saw a sadness in her eyes that went unreflected on her face. He lost himself for a moment then, unable to break the gaze she held with him. It had always amazed him just how much her eyes could express what her face did not. It was impossible to continue telling himself she was just a machine, even if she did say it herself. There was so much more to her than that.
"John?" she whispered.
"Yeah?"
"I am sorry."
"It's okay." He felt his face grow warm at the sentiment; he'd all but told her he didn't need one, but she offered it anyway.
"Will you forgive me?"
"I think I already did." He smiled softly when an expectant look flashed across her face, as if she wanted to hear him say it anyway. "I forgive you."
Cameron remained silent but her eyes brightened at the words and she offered him a faint smile in return. John's eyes wandered down the hill to Derek and his mother, studying them briefly before Sarah glanced back. Her face darkened slightly when she saw how close he and Cameron were standing and his forehead creased as he turned away.
"Still hard to believe he's gone. Charley was the closest I ever came to having a real father."
"You'll miss him."
He nodded, his eyes downcast.
"Future you understood what it meant to lose people he loved. It happened to him many times." Her gaze briefly left his face to sweep their surroundings.
"How did he deal with it?" John responded, turning to face her.
"He learned early to accept that some things couldn't be prevented, he always knew he would lose the people closest to him."
"What kind of life is that?"
"It could be yours." Cameron looked down briefly. "Some day."
"Some day," he echoed. His voice was barely above a whisper, but the resignation and pain behind the words didn't go undetected by her.
"But it doesn't have to be." Her gaze fell and she took his hand in hers, gently squeezing it as her thumb traced his knuckles. She studied the texture of his skin and the warmth that radiated from it. Her eyes met his when he finally responded with a gentle squeeze of his own and she recalled a time, weeks ago when he would have pulled away from the contact. She enjoyed being this close to him.
She released his hand and for the briefest of moments considered embracing him as he silently gazed back at her. She wanted again to experience the closeness they had just shared, but decided against it considering their company.
"You will never be alone, John."