Author's Note: Just so I can get this out of the way… this is –completely- AU for both Kenny and Cartman. Stan and Kyle are still the same as usual.
Winter had just settled on the sleepy little town of South Park. It hadn't begun to snow yet, so the temperature hadn't dropped too much. And, as was probably expected for a day like this, the boys were out by the park, tossing the old pigskin around.
"Go long!!" Cartman yelled to Stan, as he reared back to throw the football. Stan took only a few steps before realization hit him; now, instead of going out longer, he took a few more steps towards Cartman.
"What the hell, man?" asked Cartman, lowering the football to his side. "I told you to go long, not to come in!! How am I supposed to throw the football a long way if you're not there to fucking catch it!!"
"Dude, come on," replied Stan. "There's no possible way you can throw it that far. We've been playing football out here at this same damn park for two years now, and you've never been able to throw it far enough to constitute 'going long'."
"He's got a point," said Kyle, walking over to where Stan and Cartman were standing. "You pretty much suck at football."
Cartman's face contorted into a weird grimace. "What do you mean, I suck at football?" The boys would later swear that they could literally see his ego swelling. "I'm the greatest player there ever was."
Stan looked at Kyle, Kyle looked at Kenny… then all three of them burst into laughter. Kenny's laughter so regaled him, he fell on the ground, rolling around uncontrollably. Stan and Kyle managed to keep upright, though not by much.
The look on Cartman's face at this point was priceless. "What?" he asked, obviously not knowing why everyone was laughing so hard. "What's so funny?"
Kyle had just about exhausted his laughter by now, so he was the first one to speak. "Do you seriously not know why we're laughing? Your ego is fucking bigger than you, man, and that's really saying something." The three of them all found Kyle's last comment to be very funny, and their roaring laughter began again.
"Stupid Jew," was all Cartman's retort consisted of. He tossed the football to the ground, then stormed off in anger.
Kenny stopped laughing suddenly, glancing over at Cartman leaving. "Should we really have done that?" he asked.
Now, Stan and Kyle ceased their laughter. "What do you mean, Kenny?" asked Kyle.
"We give him enough shit the way it is," Kenny responded. "We all know he's not good at practically everything he does. And I think he knows it. Do we really have to remind him of his inconsistencies, every time we get the chance?"
Stan and Kyle nervously glanced at each other; usually, Kenny takes part in whatever teasing the others were putting Cartman through. God knew how much shit Kenny had been through at the hands of Cartman's harsh words. Why was he sticking up for him now?
Kyle was the first to mention this. "Why are you sticking up for him? He's just an arrogant fat-ass."
Kenny looked at his two friends, and they could both see that he was completely serious. "Because… I know how it feels to have your every move ridiculed." Kenny turned and walked away, leaving Stan and Kyle standing there in the park, utterly speechless.
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Kenny wasn't sure at that point whether he wanted to go home, or… what he wanted to do. Finally, he decided to head over to the local comic shop, see if they had anything he wanted to read. So, he began the mile and a half walk to the shop.
Kenny loved times like these, when he was all alone and walking along the road; he could just zone out and think about things- no annoying Cartman to make fun of him for being poor, no Kyle reminding Cartman about how much of a fatass he was, no Stan trying in vain to get the two to stop fighting… it was just him and the rest of the world.
"Stupid Jew…" Kenny stopped, holding his breath; had he really heard Cartman's most famous phrase? Was the boy whom he thought to be his best friend, really somewhere near? And if he wasn't… why would his voice come into his head, at this time?
"I fucking hate them. ALL OF THEM!!!" Now, Kenny was sure he'd heard Cartman's voice. He stayed quiet, trying to pinpoint where exactly Cartman's voice was coming from. All he needed was one more word, and he could-
"Oh, goddamn it!!" Kenny turned to his left, and sure enough, there was Cartman, sitting on the embankment, staring out at the trees, covered in-
"Fire ants!!" Kenny quickly realized that Cartman was absolutely covered in ants- and that he could die if enough ants released their poison into him. The thought of all the things Cartman had did to him, didn't even come into his mind. All Kenny knew was that one of his friends was in trouble, and he was going to save him.
"I'm coming!!" he yelled, running out into the middle of the road, not even caring if there were any cars coming- which, it turned out, there were. And they swerved, to avoid hitting the short kid in the orange parka. One of the cars careened off the road, passing over the same spot that Kenny had stood only a moment before, watching Cartman as the ants engulfed his body.
Soon, Kenny was at Cartman's side. Frantically, he brushed the ants away from Cartman's body, but more replaced the ones that he flung into the distance. Oh, goddamn it, please let all these ants go away…
Kenny would never know if God had heard his prayer, or if the ants had, but as soon as he thought that, they began to retreat. Even Cartman, who was laying on the ground moaning, seemed to notice that the ants were no longer attacking. He looked up, trying to find who had saved his life, but his hero was already gone.
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Kenny made sure that Cartman had begun to walk home again, before he resumed his own trek to the comic store. I wonder if they have the new SpiderMan comics in yet… he wondered.
It wasn't long before Kenny finally reached the comic book shop. He closed his eyes for a moment, briefly imagining finally getting the first copy of the new issue of SpiderMan- when he tripped over something rather large. He sprawled on the ground, a bit dazed.
"What the fuck?" he asked himself, looking down at the ground. His jaw dropped in horror at what he saw. The large thing that he had tripped over was an unconscious Cartman; apparently, those ant bites had finally gotten to him.
Interestingly enough, Kenny's first thought wasn't, What's wrong with him? It was How the hell did he get here before I did? After the initial shock wore off, though, he realized that Cartman was probably in trouble. He looked around, and noticed there was a doctor's office just a few hundred yards to the north.
Kenny looked down at Cartman's limp body. Ah, shit… now I have to drag his… body all the way to the doctor. He began to drag Cartman's body, slowly (very slowly) but surely. Just then, a thought occurred to Kenny: Why didn't I call him fat-ass? He is one… Though, I did tell Kyle and Stan not to call him one…
He was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice that he'd dragged Cartman all the way to the doctor. Kenny snapped out of it, and kept pulling Cartman behind him.
The doctor's receptionist noticed them. "What happened to him?"
Kenny mumbled something, but the aide said, "Could you say that again?"
He lowered his parka just enough to get the words out. "I said, he's been bitten by a lot of fire ants and I don't think he's conscious."
The nurse picked Cartman up (with some degree of difficulty) and placed him on a stretcher, wheeling him into the back.
"See you later, Cartman," whispered Kenny. "Hope you get to feeling better soon."
Kenny exited the building, feeling quite glad at what he had done. He was thinking hard, so hard that the next thing he knew, he felt himself flying through the air, a sharp pain coursing through his body. Kenny landed with a hard thump, on the side of the road; he looked up, and saw the car that had just hit him, which was now speeding away from the scene. That was the last thing Kenny saw, before he blacked out.
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Two Days Later…
The gang was congregated at the table, laughing about some joke that Butters had just told. All of a sudden, the earth began to shake slightly, and people hurriedly put their food away, in case the hungry beast might eat their lunch.
Kyle looked into the distance. "Hey, guys. Cartman's back."
Sure enough, Cartman had just walked into the lunch room, still covered in bites; they were quickly fading, though. Cartman got his food, and came over to their table.
"Oh, God, the fat-ass is back," retorted Kyle, and everyone at the table laughed.
"Glad to see you again, too, Kyle."
Kyle looked damned shocked at this- no "stupid Jew" comment from Cartman? "What happened to you? You haven't been here for the past two days."
"Whoa, has it really been that long? Well, you see… as I was walking home from the football game, I sat down to take a breather, and ended up sitting in a bed of fire ants." At this point, he was interrupted by the entire table bursting into laughter.
"You can laugh all you want," continued Cartman, "but it hurt like fuck!! Anyways, the next thing I know, I'm in some bitch's doctor's office, itching like a bitch!!"
"Well, I'm glad you're back," piped up Butters, from the end of the table.
"Thank you, Butters," replied Cartman. "At least someone is happy to have me back." Cartman picked up his sandwich, but simply let it drop to his plate. His face adopted a look of confusion and shock. "Uh, guys… where's Kenny?"
Stan looked around, trying to find him. "Actually, Cartman's got a good point. Where the hell is Kenny? We haven't seen him… for two days."
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman all looked at each other, wondering just where their friend Kenny could have gone…
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Well, I hope you enjoyed it. This was my first time even trying to write South Park fan-stories, so I hope I didn't bore you –too- much. Chapter two will be up soon.