a/n: just found this while I was going through my Fanfic folder on my computer. I wrote it ages ago and at the top of the document in really big, bold font wrote, "DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL DONE WITH EVERYTHING ELSE." (I guess I wanted to avoid the exact problem I did run in to with Stanton...I really should take my own advice more often). I'm finishing and revising it now, and should be releasing one chapter every week (on Friday).

Takes place during "On My Way" and "Big Brother". This same idea has been done tons of times before, but the story wouldn't stop writing itself in my head, and I had to get it down on paper.

Warning for discussion of suicide/attempted suicide, language, and violence.

Disclaimer: Glee and all related characters belong to Fox/Ryan Murphy and co.

Title comes from the song that made me a Ramones fan so many years ago, I Wanna Be Sedated

Description: Time is fluid. Memories are pushed down. But when the events of Blaine's junior year at McKinley begin to remind him of his troubled past, he has to learn how to face it and how to deal with the repercussions. TW inside.

February 2012

Blaine appreciates all music. True, he tends to gravitate more towards the top 40 artists, but he isn't one to pass up a good indie band. And he loves classic rock. He'll even give rap a chance, even if it really isn't his style.

The first time he heard Young the Giant's mournful yet inspirational song "Cough Syrup," something stirred inside Blaine. Something that he had packed deep down within himself. Something which he had vowed to never think of again.

Of course, it was difficult to completely block out such an important event in his life. It had completely changed everything. Almost a year ago, the dam had opened just a crack, and those thoughts creeped back into his consciousness. But Blaine was ever the master of covering himself up and hiding the truth. After all, he had learned from the best.

No one in the Anderson family was genuine. No one expressed their real emotions. Blaine wasn't sure if he even slightly knew his parents or his brother. His parents had always put on their best "Stepford faces" as Blaine likes to call them. They wanted to impress their neighbors with their big house and fancy car. They wanted to impress their coworkers by being the best and making the most money. But they forgot about their kids in the middle of all that. Cooper was six years older than Blaine and has always been so consumed with being the most attractive, the most loved, and the best that he hardly ever let his guards down. Hardly. But then he'd left to go pursue his career in Hollywood. Even though everyone in North America recognized Cooper's face, Blaine had no idea who the man was anymore.

But hearing that song on the radio while driving to school, Blaine could feel the memories pressing to resurface. He ignored them, of course, but somehow still grew to love the song. Perhaps because it was something that could eventually move him to feel.

Blaine decided to suggest the song for regionals. It was perfect for the New Directions – emotionally rooted and powerful vocally.

But when he practiced the song for Kurt before showing it to the rest of the choir, he remembered why he hid behind his mask. The words of the song brought out the pain from the deepest places inside of him. And despite Kurt's insistence that it was beautiful and the rest of the New Directions would love it, Blaine knew that he would never sing the song again.

He was muted as he walked with Kurt to the choir room. Inside, however, Blaine was in turmoil as he tried to shove back down all the memories and emotions of three years ago.

The choir room is filled with chatter as the two boys enter. They are a few minutes late due to Blaine's performance, but Mr. Schuester is not yet there. Kurt and Tina engage in a lively conversation as soon as they are seated, but although Mike makes a few feeble attempts to talk to Blaine, the boy is too distracted to partake.

Schuester enters the choir room with an unusually serious expression on his face, which Blaine notices immediately. It takes the others a bit longer to notice and then quiet down. And then Schue deals the final blow on Blaine's walls.

"Guys, I have some serious news for you. I really don't know how to say this. I'm sure all of you remember Dave Karofsky." This is met with grumblings from the group gathered, most remembering how he terrorized all of them, especially Kurt, last year before transferring to another school. "He had some trouble at his new school earlier in the week. Apparently, they found out that Dave is … well, he's gay." A few shocked faces. Kurt's hand finds its way into Blaine's. "He couldn't take the pressure, the teasing. He tried to kill himself last night." Gasps all around. Blaine's body goes numb. "His father found him before it was too late, and he's at the hospital now. I know you guys never really got along with Dave, but he's going through a tough time and I'm sure your support would really be good for him right now. I think that's going to be all for today, so you all can think about this and how you can help Dave."

Blaine can hear the incredulous comments around him, a few girls are crying, and Kurt is giving him that look. The one that Blaine can't say no to. But right now, he can't deal with any of them. Still, he follows Kurt in order to keep up appearances, and he says all the right things as Kurt confesses his perceived guilt. He is the picture of cool, calm, and collected. But inside, Blaine is screaming.

Blaine goes home and ignores his homework. He throws together a quick dinner and showers until his fingers turn to prunes. But when Blaine's head hits the pillow that he has so long been craving and when his eyes close, all he sees are flashes of red and darkness. He hears shouts, thumps, a rattling noise. He cannot sleep.

He pads down the hall to his parent's bedroom. Inside their now unlocked bathroom, Blaine takes two of his dad's sleeping pills and lets the medication lull him into a dreamless sleep.

At school the next day, Schuester has the glee club sit in a circle in the auditorium. He has Rory eat some peanut butter. Then he talks about the day that he thought about killing himself.

Blaine almost laughs out loud. Really, Mr. Schuester, he thinks, that's the worst possible thing that could've happened to you? Caught cheating on a test? Wow, your life must've been terrible. Blaine rolls his eyes. Bad grades and peanut butter. This is ridiculous.

Blaine almost wants to shout this all out at them. Point out that Dave's situation is much more real than Schue's was. Because Dave really had no other options, if it was anything like … But Blaine doesn't speak, not until Schuester asks them all to say what they're looking forward to in life. As if one silly thing really would be enough to keep someone thinking about it from doing it. If you want to, you will, and nothing's going to stop you, Blaine scoffs. He says the words automatically, what he thinks Kurt would appreciate or expect. But what Blaine means is that he wants to go back in time, or maybe to an alternate time when no one would have cared that the awkward 14 year old boy liked other boys.

Blaine is withdrawn still, but everyone just thinks he is affected by what Dave tried. So he doesn't have to worry about any probing questions. And he is able to suppress enough to restore his facade in time.

Weeks later, Blaine has almost forgotten. When he hears the opening notes to "Cough Syrup" on the radio, he simply switches stations. No harm, no foul.