The Big Bang Theory: The Funeral Revelation - Act I

by jfrankliniv

The boys arrive in Nebraska for Penny's aunt's wake. But something seems amiss with Penny, who alternates between clinging to Leonard and outright hostility toward him. Can he figure out what is going on? Will Sheldon find a social experiment to make his time in the Cornhusker state worthwhile? Will Raj successfully talk to women while drinking virgin cocktails? Tune in to see

THE FUNERAL REVELATION

ACT I

SCENE: An airport gate in Nebraska. LEONARD and PENNY are exiting.

PENNY: (Irritated) Okay, I'm not saying I don't appreciate the support. I'm just saying that in the future, when I ask my boyfriend to come with me and help me in my moment of emotional distress –

(SHELDON, HOWARD, and RAJ exit behind them wearing obscenely large cowboy hats and western attire.)

PENNY: - maybe it would be nice if he could do it with me alone.

LEONARD: (Sheepish) But they wanted to come and support you!

PENNY: Yeah, well now I'm going to have to babysit all four of you when you meet my family, and that is NOT something I'm looking forward to. (Turns to SHELDON) And Sheldon, for the last time, would you take off that ridiculous cowboy hat?

SHELDON: (Surprised) Excuse me? I believe you have forgotten something. I come from the great state of Texas, the heartland of mid-section America. I know the difference between what passes for normal in these parts and the hedonistic homeland we call California –

(A passerby knocks his hat off his head.)

PENNY: Too bad you don't know the difference between Longhorns and Cornhuskers.

HOWARD: Are you saying we don't blend here?

PENNY: I'm saying all four of you aren't going to get out of this airport alive dressed like that.

(RAJ whispers to Howard.)

HOWARD: (Nods toward his feet.) No, I'm not going to take them off. They make me almost four inches taller.

(RAJ whispers again.)

HOWARD: Well, that's up to you. Indian has a different meaning in some parts of the country.

And since when did you start whispering in front of Penny again, anyway?

RAJ: We're out of California. I'm no longer in my comfort zone!

(A passerby knocks his hat off his head.)

RAJ: Okay. Now it's starting to feel just like home!

(PENNY turns to face the group.)

PENNY: Couldn't you at least have invited Bernadette and Amy along or something?

SHELDON: Oh, I couldn't do that. Amy and I wanted to try an experiment to see if in fact absence does make the heart grow fonder. (Checks smartphone.) According to my chronometer, we've been apart now for approximately 18 hours, 47 minutes and 27 seconds, and I feel no change whatsoever. (Puts phone back on belt. It promptly buzzes.)

PENNY: Aren't you going to check that?

SHELDON: No need. Let's just say that absence may not always make the heart grow fonder but it can exponentially increase your texting charges.

HOWARD: And Bernadette couldn't come because she's under quarantine once again.

LEONARD: Again? What happened this time?

HOWARD: We're not really sure. She either has a rash or she ate some of my mother's bad meatloaf and had a reaction.

PENNY: And you didn't think you should be there with her?

HOWARD: No! If it's contagious, there's no sense in both of us being sick.

PENNY: You're all heart, Howard. (Sighs) Okay, look, so long as all of you guys are going to be here, there are some things you should know. First of all, Nebraskans don't like (looks at Sheldon and removes his hat as she hands it to him) Texans. Second, they think of people from California as being from (looks at Howard and does same) outer space. And (looks at Raj) they tend to regard foreigners (pauses), well, just imagine we're all women and don't talk to anyone and you should be alright.

LEONARD: (Trying to calm her down) Well, now that we're all here, shouldn't you tell us about your family so we can get to know them better?

PENNY: (Rolling eyes) Oh, my God. I don't think that's such a good idea –

LEONARD: Why not?

PENNY: Look, let's just say that my background is a little different from yours, okay?

LEONARD: (Pauses) You mean your mom didn't critique your theses starting when you were in second grade?

PENNY: No, I'm saying since she and my dad split up they haven't really seen that much of each other aside from my brother's court appearances.

SHELDON: Is he a lawyer?

LEONARD: Not those kinds of appearances, Sheldon.

SHELDON: Well, I'm confused. What does he do?

PENNY: He's a…well, he's sort of a…independent unlicensed pharmaceutical distributor.

SHELDON: That doesn't make sense. You can't distribute pharmaceuticals without a license. It's a prerequisite in every state, even in the flyover country.

LEONARD: He's a meth dealer, Sheldon.

SHELDON: Oh. (Surprised) Ohh! (Pauses) What about the rest of your family?

PENNY: Well, there's my dad who wanted to raise me as a boy, my sister who shot my brother-in-law, my cousin who isn't scheduled to be paroled until Christmas 2025 –

HOWARD: Sounds like we should introduce them to my family at my nephew's upcoming bar mitzvah.

PENNY: (Pauses) Yeah, well, it's a complicated situation.

LEONARD: It'll be okay. Your dad still likes me, doesn't he?

PENNY: Oh, God, my Dad! (Presses hand to forehead.) How could I forget?

LEONARD: What? He does still like me, doesn't he?

PENNY: Like you? He practically worships the ground you walk on. Every time I talk to him I wonder if he secretly wants to date you instead of me!

SHELDON: That would be awkward! But based on your family dynamics as you've described them, I'm not sure it would be totally uncharacteristic –

LEONARD: (Aghast) Sheldon! (Turns back to PENNY) Look, it'll be okay, really. Let's just go get our bags and then we can head over to your dad's place and meet everybody, okay?

PENNY: (Sighs) Okay.

LEONARD: And we won't even wear the hats, will we guys?

PENNY: Oh, I can assure you you won't. My other cousin is a linebacker, and he hates anything from Texas.

SHELDON: How old is he?

PENNY: (Thinks) Well, he's in his sixth year of high school –

SHELDON: He's a six year senior?

PENNY: Sophomore.

SHELDON: Who takes more than three years to get through high school?

LEONARD: Most people. Look, let's just go, okay?

(Cut to: The wake at PENNY'S father WYATT's house as several people mill about. Several large people are in jeans and overalls and other farm attire.)

HOWARD: (As another large individual passes by.) I'm beginning to see where our money is going to go once the new health care laws take effect and we're responsible for insuring these people.

SHELDON: Now, now. People on farms are expected to be large. It comes from eating so much hearty food and doing manual labor for 18 hours a day. (An obese woman walks by.) Good Lord, I think she at a couple of farmhands herself!

LEONARD: Look, guys, let's just try to be supportive of Penny, okay? This is why we came out here.

RAJ: I didn't. I came out here to scope chicks who don't know me as the silent Indian guy at school. (Looks around) By the way, which way is the bar?

HOWARD: (Nodding) It's over there. I'll go with you. (They move off.)

SHELDON: I'm going to go to the refreshments table. I'm curious to see what kinds of spread Cornhuskers offer that doesn't include maize. (Moves off).

LEONARD: (As Penny arrives back.) Well, okay. Looks like we're all here now for your aunt's wake. Want to fill me in on anything? Anyone I should make sure to get to know? (Another obese woman walks by.) Or maybe stay far away from so I don't get eaten?

PENNY: Well, my dad's somewhere around here, so you should probably start with him. But before you do, there's something I have to tell you.

LEONARD: What?

PENNY: Well, remember how when he came out to visit I sort of forgot to tell him we'd broken up?

LEONARD: Yeah.

PENNY: Well, I kinda forgot to tell him we got back together after he left.

LEONARD: (Confused) We didn't get back together. We got back together, then broke up, then got back together, then broke up, then –

PENNY: I know! I know! He just…doesn't know we're together now.

LEONARD: (Surprised) Why? Are you ashamed of me or something?

PENNY: No! It's not that, it's just…complicated. You know how he feels about you. Every time your name comes up it's always "What's up with Leonard? What's new with Leonard? Have you spray painted his name on a water tower to win you back yet?"

LEONARD: So, what am I supposed to do, then?

PENNY: Just play along and don't tell him too much about us just yet –

(Several large men enter.)

GUY #1: Hey, everybody! Look! It's Penny!

GUY #2: Corn Queen!

GUY #3: Yeah! Penny's back!

(They swarm Penny, pushing Leonard to the back. He feebly raises a hand.)

LEONARD: I'll be back here if you need me!

(The group moves off, sweeping Penny with them.)

LEONARD: (Hurt) Actually, I'll just be standing here instead.

(WYATT enters)

WYATT: Leonard!

LEONARD: Oh, hi, Wyatt.

WYATT: How's my future son-in-law?

LEONARD: Well, okay…I guess.

WYATT: (Hushed voice) You haven't given up on her yet, have you son?

LEONARD: Well, no, not really. (Looks to where PENNY has moved and sees her surrounded by high school acquaintances.) But I think she may have given up on me, judging from the looks of it.

WYATT: (Unworried) Son, don't you worry. None of those fellows can come anywhere near you. You haven't got a thing to worry about.

(Two more young men enter.)

GUY #4: Hey, look! Penny's back! (They rush over to join group.)

LEONARD: Sure doesn't seem like it.

WYATT: Don't you worry. I'll take care of this. (Moves off.)

LEONARD: (To himself.) Why does everybody keep leaving me?

(HOWARD returns sipping a cocktail.)

HOWARD: How's it going?

LEONARD: Oh, the usual. Penny's the center of attention and I'm over here with my non-existent fan club. (He looks past HOWARD). How's Raj doing?

HOWARD: (Turns) He's actually doing fairly well. He's talking to those two girls over there.

(Cut to scene of RAJ talking with two young women. All laugh. He sips a drink continuously.)

HOWARD: Apparently, they think he's some exotic foreigner instead of an underpaid academic on a soon-to-be-expired visa.

LEONARD: What drink did you get him?

HOWARD: That's actually the fun part. He doesn't realize it yet, but he's actually drinking a virgin cosmopolitan.

LEONARD: (Thinks) Isn't that pretty much a Shirley Temple?

HOWARD: Beats me. I just wanted to teset the placebo effect.

LEONARD: Are you going to tell him?

HOWARD: (Nods) Eventually. I'm just waiting for the right moment.

(SHELDON returns.)

SHELDON: You know, I'm actually impressed. The buffet table has an entire assortment of non-corn related edibles. Most are still dairy-related, which means those who are lactose intolerant will likely starve here, but the beef jerky is practically heaven! (Takes bite.) Although it ith a bit thewy! (Looks past LEONARD) Where's Penny?

LEONARD: Over there with the rest of the homecoming committee.

(Cut to: Men hoisting PENNY up into the air as she smiles.)

SHELDON: Have you seen her father?

LEONARD: Yeah, he said he was going to take care of this, but I don't see him.

(Cut to: WYATT entering room brandishing a shotgun. All the men immediately run frantically away.)

WYATT: (To Leonard) Works every time! (Leans over to Leonard) Now, go talk to her! I gotta follow these boys to their trucks or they'll do donuts in my front yard.

LEONARD: Well…okay.

(Cut to: PENNY moving across room toward LEONARD)

HOWARD: Never mind, I think she's coming here to talk to you.

LEONARD: Hey, Penny. Who were those –

PENNY: (Angrily grabs drink from HOWARD and flings it in LEONARD's face.) You rat bastard!

LEONARD: Wha?

(PENNY storms off toward other side of room. LEONARD, HOWARD, and SHELDON follow)

LEONARD: What'd I do this time?

PENNY: (Off camera) It's not what you did it's what you've done!

(Group stops by RAJ as he is talking to two women. He sees Leonard is soaked.)

RAJ: Whoa. Dude. You really need to learn how to talk to women. (Takes sip of drink.) All it takes is a little confidence.

LEONARD: (Waits) You're drinking a virgin cocktail!

RAJ: (Freezes)

GIRL #1: So, c'mon! Tell us the rest of the story about your scientific discoveries!

GIRL #2: Yeah! We want to hear all about it.

RAJ: (Nods politely.)

GIRL #1: (Turns to GIRL #2) Let's go. It's another dud. (They move off. The group watches them leave.)

HOWARD: Looks like someone needs to learn how to talk to women.

RAJ: (Turns to LEONARD) Shut up. I was doing fine until you guys told me I wasn't drinking real drinks. (Looks at LEONARD) But I suppose that beats wearing them.

SHELDON: I agree with Raj. Alcohol was meant to be consumed, not a means of attire.

LEONARD: (Wiping his face) Well, it wasn't my idea.

HOWARD: What did you say to her?

LEONARD: (Exasperated) Nothing! This time, it wasn't me! She just…got upset at something.

(SHELDON looks at smartphone.)

LEONARD: Another message from Amy?

SHELDON: No, I'm checking my chronometer. Usually at this point in the discussion you have an epiphany about what you said to Penny to set her off, although you have been known to take additional time on occasion.

LEONARD: How much time?

SHELDON: Hard to tell. Anywhere from sixty seconds to a week.

(WYATT returns.)

WYATT: Whoa. Leonard! What happened to you?

LEONARD: I'm not sure. Penny yelled at me and threw her drink in my face and stormed off.

WYATT: What'd you say to her?

LEONARD: Nothing. That's the whole point. She just…reacted.

WYATT: Yeah, that girl's always had herself a temper. Tell you what, I'll go talk to her. Here –

(He hands shotgun to HOWARD. It is nearly as tall as he is.)

WYATT: You boys watch this. I'll be right back! (He moves off.)

HOWARD: Someone tell me what I'm supposed to do with this.

LEONARD: Just put it down.

HOWARD: I would, but I'm not sure how to do that without possibly ventilating some part of my anatomy.

SHELDON: Here. (Takes shotgun.) My father used to keep these all over the house. I'll put it back on the rack.

LEONARD: What rack?

SHELDON: Every house with a shotgun has a rack. You just need to find it. Firearms are quite safe if you know how to handle them. (Moves off.)

(A blast sounds off camera.)

SHELDON: Then again, sometimes they can be hazardous!

(Cut to commercial break.)

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