She's a vision, a stunning, beautiful vision at 13. She looks exactly like him and sometimes it kills you. Sometimes you wish that you'd hadn't kept her from him, that she'd gotten to know her father before it was too late. But you were still married to Derek, your husband Derek who took one look at the child and knew who she belonged to, to his best friend, your best friend, Mark Sloan. Now, as you sit here on her 13th Birthday, you reflect on each year and how it had come to this.
One.
You'd slept with your husband's best friend and now, here you were. You're pregnant with his baby, Mark Sloan's baby. Of course, Mark is still a whore and nowhere near ready to be a father, so you make the unilateral decision to abort. But when you get to the clinic and hear the heartbeat you know you can't do it. You quickly dress and leave the clinic while the doctor preps for your procedure. You don't tell Mark; you let him believe that you'd did it. He probably hates you anyway. Instead, fate intervenes and Richard Webber calls so you never have to. He needs you for a case, and your husband is there; he's also in love with another, younger woman. Meredith Grey, Ellis Grey's daughter. You shouldn't go, but you're a wreck and Mark cheated and he's Derek. You're Addison-and-Derek and together, you two use to be able to get through anything.
But Derek is less than pleased to see you; in fact, he's downright furious that Richard called you. But you're good at your job and if those babies had a chance of survival, you were it. He avoids you most of your visit, until you corner him near the elevators.
If you sign I sign; the balls in your court.
You really didn't want to but you took one look at Meredith and you knew; he'd never looked at you like that, with love in his eyes. Sure he loved you, but was he in love with you? That's something you're unsure of. It's the secret you've been hiding for nearly 15 years; you think it was safe, being with you. It was most certainly convenient and everyone said you looked so good together, would be perfect for each other. But maybe your parents were right; maybe you two just weren't meant to be.
But still for some reason he doesn't sign; he says he can't just let go of 11 years without a little hesitation. You're his family and he's…willing to get through this little blip.
You didn't mean it, did you Addie?
No, you tell him, but the evidence of your betrayal is slowly developing in your womb. So you tell him, you have to tell him. But somehow it comes out as,
"I'm having a baby, and it's yours,"
You pin it on some random night you'd slept together just before the affair; the timing works out and he believes you, almost.
Labor comes earlier than it should, and the whole world comes crashing down around you when she comes out looking just like him.
How could you do this Addison?
How could you lie to me like that?
He left the hospital without a word; this time he'd been the one to draw up the divorce papers. He'd banished you, said,
"All I want is Seattle, and to never see you again," so, with a heavy heart you turned in your resignation letter to Richard and you left. You spend her first year of life at the beach house in the Hamptons (Derek said he'd wanted no parts of your life together; you sold the Brownstone the minute you moved to Seattle. There was no going back anyways.). She grows, thrives and flourishes that first year you spend by the seaside. Soon, chubby cheeks smooth out and that tiny little sprig of blonde hair turns into beautiful blonde curls. However, happiness for you doesn't last long; Archer calls the following spring. It's cancer, brain cancer and its terminal.
Two.
You never thought you'd be here again, in Seattle, but you are. You're not blind to the stares and the gossip, the way people whisper about the blonde haired child you carry on your hip throughout the hospital. Derek is polite, cold but polite as he does everything he can to save your brother. In the end, it's simply not enough; one of the worms digs itself deeper into Archer's brain during surgery. You watch in horror as your brother, the one and only family you have besides Ella flatlines on the table.
Archer didn't believe in God, so there was no service; just a quick cremation and a private burial in the family Crypt at Saint Mary's in Hartford. There's a memorial service the following week in New York but you don't go. You heard he'd be there and didn't want to risk running into him. You're sure Derek or someone from your circle has told him what happened, that you'd kept the baby that she's here, has been alive for nearly three whole years. You'd talk to him, tell him the truth but, you're too scared to see him.
The summer Ella turns three you move to Los Angeles.
Three.
Life here is…different, a stark contrast to Seattle and a much needed relief from New York and Connecticut. You take a portion of Archer's ashes with you and store them on the mantel in the living room of your new beachfront house. Ella likes the beach, is simply happy to be frolicking in the ocean again. She's happy to be in the sand, squealing as the water causes the sand to become mush between her toes. You take a job at Oceanside Wellness, get surgical privileges at St. Ambrose where you become good friends with Charlotte King of all people. You develop a routine, date a couple of men, though you turn down Kevin Nelson's proposal. You're not marriage material after all. You barely think you're girlfriend material, I mean, look at what you did to poor Mark. You think of him often, especially as you watch her grow. The older she gets the more she looks just like him.
Sometimes when you're all alone, you pick the phone and dial his number. You hang up before it rings and make sure you've blocked your number so he can't call back. You're too ashamed to face him, but you wonder why he hasn't sought you out. He must know what you did.
Four.
The year Ella starts Pre School is the year things fall apart at the practice. Naomi has been running it into the ground. You've lost most of your clientele, the employees are feuding amongst each other, but everyone turns on you the minute they find out you've known about Naomi's secret the whole time. To make matters worse, you somehow manage to lose your best friend when you refuse to give her teenage daughter an abortion.
Since when did you get such high moral ground?
It's a dig and it stings but Naomi is hurting; Maya's just 16, she shouldn't be having a baby. But still, Maya wants to keep the baby and you know a thing or two about being scared and alone and pregnant.
But Maya never makes it to labor; she and Dell are killed by a drunk driver. Naomi wants nothing to do with the baby; Dink's parents don't either. She's put up for adoption; you never see her again.
Five.
The strangest thing happens when one afternoon Amelia Shepherd comes to town. Hurricane Amy, except she's no longer Hurricane Amy. She's Amelia, sober, happy, kick ass, rock star surgeon Amelia. She'd gone Neuro, just like Derek did. If there's anyone who understands what it's like to be the Black sheep of the family, it's Amy. She's understanding about Ella, doesn't judge you for what you did. You give her a place to stay and she's wonderful with Ella. It feels good for your daughter to have some semblance of family now besides you.
Ella and Amy become fast friends, spending nearly every waking moment together when she isn't in school or ballet. You hit a jealous patch for a minute until Ella, your sweet five-year-old reassures you,
"You'll always be my mommy," She says it as if it's the simplest thing in the world. You feel a lick of shame when she gives you a disproving look, as if you had the right to question her loyalty to you. Still, it takes Amelia a bit longer to warm back up to you. Your words are like poison, and they'd cut pretty deep. She stays gone for a week which devastates Ella but eventually, she comes back home.
Three weeks before Ella's sixth Birthday, the practice dissolves.
Six.
There's no more Oceanside Wellness.
It feels strange, packing up your office, unsure of what to do next. Of course you still have privileges at St. Ambrose and Charlotte's already offered you head of Neonatal, but those days of long hours and endless amounts of paperwork are behind you, plus your girl is six and in first grade. You politely decline and offer perhaps the greatest solution:
You buy the building and start a new practice, Seaside Wellness.
Everyone is partially on board, though it takes quite a bit of coaxing for Sam (he hasn't been the same since Maya died) but eventually he joins on. Naomi moved to New York after an impulsive engagement and a failed marriage, one to a man named William White and later, Gabriel Fife. However, she returns home six months later and joins the practice.
Everything seems right…almost.
Seven.
Amelia is on drugs, had relapsed after some idiot waiter at Cooper and Charlotte's wedding accidentally gave her a glass of champagne instead of her usual ginger ale. It started small, a missing wine glass here and there, but it eventually got bigger, like forgetting to pick up Ella from dance practice, leaving her sitting on the steps. When you confronted her about it, she'd threatened to call Mark and tell him how you've been hiding his adulterous love child from him all these years. You can't have that, won't disrupt his life or Ella's so you put her out. Ella vows to never speak to you again and it hurts, reinforces that crazy belief that she'd loved Amelia more than you. However, her 'I hate you' phase doesn't last long when Amelia shows up at her school to pick her up completely high. You have to rush over, in the middle of a very important surgery, to pick up your terrified child who'd never seen her Aunt 'Melia in such a state. The others are worried and try to stage an intervention. It doesn't work; she simply laughs you all off, tells you to fuck off and then quits her job.
You make the one call you didn't wanna have to make, Derek.
He's less than pleased you found his number, but he still takes your call.
What do you want, Addison?
He pauses for the briefest of seconds when you mention Amelia and what she's going through. You think he might actually help but all he responds with is,
Some things never change; she's not my mess to deal with anymore, she's yours. You can feel the nasty retort on his lips but he saves it; he just hangs up and blocks your number.
Eight.
Amy has been on a binder for nearly 11 days. Her phone is off, she's been evicted from her apartment, her car's been repossessed and no one in her family is willing to help. Everyone's turned to you, seeing as you know her the best. It takes a while but, you find her in some cheap motel, lying next to dead corpse sobbing.
His name was Ryan, she tells you; Ryan Kerrigan. They were gonna get married; she gave him her father's watch. It's painful to see, Amy looking so helpless as the medics take Ryan's body away. They leave her to you, leave her a drunken, sweaty mess in your arms as she sobs and sobs and begs to go to rehab.
"Okay," you tell her.
She remains in rehab for 90 days and returns home looking like nothing had ever happened. Slowly, she starts to mend the relationships she's broken, Ella's especially. In the time that Amelia's been gone you've hired a new doc, a fertility specialist named Jake Reilly. Jake is good and kind and everything you could possibly want in a man, and he seems determined to have you, but you can't have nice things.
"Don't, Jake; I'll just hurt you," Jake simply smiles and says he doesn't believe it, that he'll wait for you as long as it takes. Amelia's been back to work nearly three months when she hits you with the devastating news.
"I'm pregnant, and it's Ryan's,"
Addie, there must be something you can do, right?
Addison, there has to be a way to fix this!
Sadly, there isn't; Amelia's baby is anencephalic; half of his skull and most of his brain properly failed to develop. She blames you, not really, but she lashes out at you the most. You're an easy target it seems.
How could you have a happy, perfect, healthy kid when you cheated on your husband with his best friend!?
You don't deserve children! You didn't even want her!
Amelia's words are painful, but you do your best to shield Ella from them. You ask Jake to take over Amelia's case and he agrees. It makes you smile that she's taken to him the way she has. She trusts him and he's helpful, he's so, so helpful to her. You want to badger and question him about how things are going, but Jake is a good doctor, a man of codes and ethic and he refuses to break his for you, crush or no crush.
Ten.
You're in the room when Amelia delivers, it's brutal and painful but you're right there holding her hand. She'd asked for you, requested that only you and Charlotte are in the room with her aside from Jake and nurse Stephanie. You hold her hands; sit behind her as she pushes and pushes. Your heart nearly breaks at the sight of him, a beautiful baby boy who is quickly whisked away after breathing on his own for eight minutes, passing away in his mother's arms. She donates his organs, says that maybe some other babies will be given a second chance. She doesn't name him, simply calls him her unicorn baby. Once it's over, you head for an on call room and promptly break down and cry.
Ella is absolutely devastated, wants to spend nearly every waking moment with Amelia, and surprisingly it's a welcoming sort of comfort for her. Slowly but surely she begins to recover; she goes back to rehab and comes back a seemingly new person. It takes some time but, things begin to seem normal, and you find that you like normal. You decide to take a leap and date Jake and it's wonderful, absolutely positively wonderful. You learn that he was able to connect with Amelia on such a level because he had a wife (shocker!) who was on drugs. Unfortunately, she'd overdosed before she had a chance to get help. He has two children, a 20 something step daughter (though he claims her as his own) Angela, and a son slightly older than Ella, Miguel. He doesn't see much of Miguel; he's the result of a one night stand some time after Lily died.
Being with Jake makes you want things, makes you wish that you'd had more children, and thus begins your journey into motherhood for the second time.
Eleven.
You're barren. Well, not exactly barren but, you're well past the age of child bearing. You'd unknowingly hit early menopause after Ella. It's cruel, because while you'd had all the signs of menopause you still had (have) a period. You decide that since you can no longer physically have children that there's no need for a uterus. Jake thinks it's a rash decision but supports you anyway. You learn during your recovery phase that he is the most perfect man ever. He makes you want things, like to try being married again. You also notice how good he is with Ella; she likes him, she likes him a lot. In fact, he's the first man since Kevin she's felt totally comfortable with. When Miguel's stepfather's job sends him across the country, you suggest that he come live with you and Jake. The way Jake looks at you with so much love and devotion hurts. It takes several meetings and conversations but soon enough, Miguel is occupying the room down the hall from yours.
Then, like always, the world comes tumbling down with one phone call.
Twelve.
You haven't heard from Nancy Shepherd in over 13 years but out of the blue, she calls.
It's Derek…and Mark. They were killed in a car accident yesterday. Could you, could you tell Amy?
The words knock the wind out of you, and you swear you have a light stroke. You're having dinner with Jake and the kids (Angela included) when the call comes through. You drop your wine glass, pieces of the shards cutting your hand and foot. You have to blink several times before Jake's face comes into view. He's cupping your cheeks, calling your name several times. Miguel and Ella and standing behind Angela absolutely terrified.
"Sweetheart, what's wrong?"
You shake your head slowly, your eyes fall on Ella; Jake knows, it has something to do with her father.
He'd coaxed the information out of you some time ago, after a night of incredible love making. You'd been off, tense, unfocused, which is highly unusual for you during sex, because Jacob Miguel Reilly is perhaps the best lover you have ever had. Still, that night you're unfocused and Jake stops, right in the middle of sex stops and asks you what's wrong. Derek had been on your mind since you heard about the plane crash he'd been in a few years ago. You happened to be watching the news earlier and saw the headline about him going to Washington D.C. to work for the president. It had jarred you, because standing beside him was none other than Mark Sloan himself. And the two of them, dare you say it, looked happy. They looked as if no time had passed between them. You wondered how that could be, especially since the last time you talked to Savvy she informed you that Mark was still in New York, working at New York Presbyterian and he hadn't spoken to Derek since the night of the affair. So how in the hell did those two know each other?
It sent you into a panic; Derek knew about your daughter, what if he had told Mark? It completely threw you off your game that night and later, Jake asked you about it. You promptly broke down and told him what a terrible person you were. He surprised you and told you that despite all that, he still loved you and wanted to be with you. It was as if all the weight you'd been carrying on your shoulders had suddenly lifted. It took some time and lots of reassurances, but you learned that you were not and should not be defined by one mistake.
Now it seems that your mistake has come to bite you in the ass.
"You should tell her," it's a low murmur of a thing as he cleans your wounds. You give him a sharp glare and he backs off, holding up his hands as a sign of surrender.
He's right and eventually, after you've had a few minutes to compose yourself (and to tell Amelia; God you hope that she doesn't relapse), you do tell her.
It all leads to this moment.
Thirteen.
She is stunning, a beautiful, perfect vision of beauty…lying in a hospital bed on life support.
Your heart is breaking; your soul has literally been crushed in half since you got the call three days ago. Ella had tried to kill herself while staying over at her friend Stephanie's house. She'd downed a bottle of pills. Paramedics pumped her stomach but she'd still been without oxygen for a significant amount of time.
They're using words like 'brain dead' and are quietly skirting around organ donation, but you refuse. Jake stays by your side the entire time, never leaves. Angela and Miguel are there too. Amelia hasn't come, is too upset that she could possibly be losing a third relative in less than a year. She doesn't need the stress, especially now that she's pregnant. Other friends and family float in and out. The news even seems to bring out the softer, maternal side in your parents.
We'll do everything we can, Kitten.
Bizzy surprises you and hugs for the first time in your life, and oh how you wish Archer were here! He'd know exactly what to do, what to say. It feels foreign, taking comfort from your parents but you welcome it, you welcome it with open arms. They may not have liked the way Ella was conceived, but they did put forth an effort to have some form of a relationship with her, even if it was just nice presents at Christmas and her birthday, and monthly phone calls and her schooling paid for, and that coveted trip to Paris Bizzy promised her this summer, if the makes it to the summer.
The doctors at St. Ambrose all respect you, and no one is willing, has the heart to tell you what you already know.
Your little girl is gone.
you call Forest Lawn in Glendale. Ella was obsessed with movie stars and watched this show on YouTube about where they were buried. She's said that Forest Lawn was where the real stars went. So Forest Lawn Glendale was an easy choice. You make arrangements to have a small service on the weekend, Ella always did enjoy weekends. You won't bury her, refuse to. You'll have a quiet ceremony with just close family and friends; you plan to scatter her ashes at sea. Ella always loved the beach so it felt fitting, to be able to stick your toes in the ocean and still feel her presence. You secretly plan to make a trip to New York and scatter some of her ashes at Yankee Stadium, just like they'd done with Mark's. You like to think that even though they never formally knew each other that their souls would meet somehow if you poured their ashes together. Bizzy thinks it's ridiculous but Jake thinks its nice gesture.
You allow teachers her and kids from her school a couple of ours alone with her. You watch through the glass as her friends talk and cry over her. You give people from the practice exactly one hour; you don't want this to be harder than it already is. They've known her since she was three, she's practically their kid. If this is going to be hard on them, you can't even begin to imagine how hard it'll be on you. After that it's just you and your family-Jake, Angela, Miguel, Amelia (she comes, finally), James and your parents. You sit with her for what feels like hours, before Jake is ushering them away. It's almost eight; you'd made arrangements to have her taken off life support at exactly eight o'clock, the time she was born. It's weird, to be born and die on your birthday but, people plan and God laughs, that's what Bizzy always said.
"I'll leave you two alone," Jake presses a kiss to your cheek before leaning down and whispering what is sure to be a heartbreaking goodbye to Ella.
Then, you're all alone.
You'd wanted to do it yourself, pull the plug on your baby girl. Charlotte had said it was bold, offered to be in the room when you did but you refused.
"You sure, Montgomery? I've been in your shoes before and it's nothing pretty," you know she's talking about the time she went home to Alabama when her father died. But you assure her that you'll be fine, that you can handle it. Charlotte nods, but offers to be right outside the door if you need her. The transplant team is scheduled to come 10 minutes after she's pronounced dead. Mm. Just the thought of it sends a chill down your spine. You glance at the clock; 7:58 p.m. You close your eyes and take a deep breath before standing. You draw the curtains to her room; no one needs to be a witness to this, to see you give your child a dignified death. Montgomery's grieve in silence; Bizzy instilled that in you and Archer when you were children. Even as an adult at the age of 50, you carry that sentiment with you still.
Slowly, you begin the process. You turn off the machine, you remove the feeding tube from her throat and then, you sit and wait for the inevitable.
You hold her hand and wait for it, the end to come. Suddenly, the silence becomes too much and you begin to speak; you have to tell her something, anything. You can't let her die alone in the silence.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you…why, Ella? Why did you do this?" You can't stop your voice from breaking, nor the tears that fall down your face as you turn your body towards your baby girl's face. She looks, peaceful; the steady rise and fall of her chest gives you hope that she can hear you. It lets you know she's alive, even if it's on borrowed time.
"If I could take it all back, I would. Ella, I would do anything to have just one more chance with you…if, if there is a God out there, I'd do anything to have her back, even just for a second. Ella, Ella, please wake up," Your voice is warbly as you hold her hand, waiting with baited breath for some sort of sign that she can hear you.
God grants your wish; she gives your hand a squeeze…
oOoOo
Addison.
Addison.
Addison.
Something is happening; the world is black, the colors around you start to swirl, Ella's face begins to fade and everything shifts. You have no idea what's happening, but someone is calling your name.
"Addison, Addison, sweetheart, wake up," You fill your lungs painfully expand and contract, that slow inhale of air burns but you welcome it.
You're still fighting that place between sleep and wakefulness but that voice, Jake's voice, pulls your back to reality.
The colors are bright but slightly fuzzy as you blink once, twice, three times. It takes a moment for your vision to come into focus. But once it does, Jake's face is first you see; you're taken back by the way he pulls you to his chest.
"Careful Jake, she just got out of a very long surgery," Your eyes pop open, quickly moving to the sound of that voice.
They fill with tears when you notice Derek, and your heart leaps for joy when you notice Mark standing next to him.
"You nearly gave us a heart attack Red," He's smirking at you, but his eyes are swimming with tears.
"Wha-" you try to talk but it's difficult and you gag a little; Jake leaves your side for a split second to get you a cup of water.
"Slow sips honey," Jake carefully guides you to take slow pulls through the straw. You gag a little and push the cup away. Your mouth no longer feels like cotton, but your throat is scratchy, as if it hasn't been used in a while.
What the hell happened?
"Jake, wha-what happened?" The men in your life all glance at one another guiltily. It makes you frown and it causes you to panic all the same.
"Sweetheart, what's the last thing you remember?" Jake's hand is gently rubbing back and forth on top of yours. You try and think, but everything comes up blank, except one thing.
"Ella?" Jake frowns; you don't miss the bristle from Derek or the way Mark looks away.
It takes some silent communication but things are explained to Jake who suddenly looks at you with sympathy.
"Addison…Ella happened 13 years ago, when you had an abortion,"
The world turns upside down on its axis. No, that can't be, because everything felt so, so real, every moment of it. You shake your head slowly as tears begin to fall; there's no way it wasn't real, there's just no way.
"Jake-" Mark steps in this time, moves to stand beside your bed. He surprises you when he takes your hand in his. You look down and notice the ring on his finger. He notices the frown and voices what you already know.
"Julia Canner," he admits with a sheepish smile.
"You-"
"A little over a year now; can you believe it? Mark Sloan's a married man," He grins at you, giving your hand a little squeeze.
"Lexie-"
"Died in a plane crash back in 2012," his eyes shift to the ground.
"Please tell me Sofia and Sloane exist," They all chuckle and it feels good to hear them laugh, it feels even better to hear you sound like yourself again.
"Yes, they do; Sloane's back in New York and Sofia is waiting for Tia Addison to get better. You scared the hell outta me Red," Mark gently caresses your face and for a minute, it's a ghost of a whisper and you see her, you see Ella in him.
"She looked just like you," you whisper; Mark leans in so that your foreheads touch. Jake doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he respectfully turns, not wanting to interrupt what seemingly such an intimate moment between two almost parents.
"I know; you told me,"
"I did?"
"Yeah, you did…would you've kept her from me, if you hadn't…" You feel that swell of emotions as you tell him,
"No, never,"
"Good," he leans in and kisses your cheek before standing.
"I'm gonna go let Torres and Bailey know you're okay. You've got half this hospital worried about you," You know he's leaving because the tension was too thick in the room, but you understand and let him go. Jake takes his place, smoothes his hands over yours.
"You remember anything about us?"
"We're…married, right?" Jake smiles, leans in to buss a kiss to your lips.
"That we are, five whole years now," You glance down and see a ring, but you notice your finger is absent of one.
"They had to uh, cut it away when they brought you in," You frown.
"Jake, what's going on? Why am I in a hospital? Why did I need surgery?" Jake takes a breath and looks over at Derek who explains what Jake can't.
"You had cancer Addie, stage three," You audibly gasp.
"What-"
"Cervical; they brought you to Seattle so Nicole Herman could operate on you,"
"I'm in Seattle?" Derek grins.
"Haven't you notice the rain?" You glance out the window and sure enough, it's raining.
"But there's something else, isn't there?" Derek sighs but nods.
"It started to spread, to your brain…which is why Amy and I had to get in there and act fast. You'd started hallucinating; the tumor was massive and we had to-"
"You cut my brain open, really Derek?" You give him a look that he can't help but laugh at.
"Well, it's good to see your sense of sass in still intact,"
"But seriously…thank you," Derek finally makes his way over to the bed and squeezes your hand.
"No problem; I couldn't let you die, I mean, I owe you one. You saved my kid,"
"I did?"
"Yeah; Meredith and I came to visit you in LA after The Captain-"
"Wait, my father's dead!?" Jake sighs and shakes his head.
"Sweetheart, it happened last year; it was a heart attack," You're completely floored; you seem to be missing chunks of your life and it's freaking you out. Derek seems to sense it and tells you,
"Addison, relax; things are gonna be a bit hazy for a while; the cancer was really aggressive. Give yourself time,"
"Bizzy's really dead, right?" Jake looks over at you and nods.
"Yeah, she died about six years ago from what you told me,"
"Did I tell you how she died?"
"You did,"
"Did I tell you the truth?" Jake nods and you sigh with relief.
"And Archer?"
"Alive and completely furious that I was the one who did the surgery," You look heavenward and breathe a sigh of relief.
"At least something in my life feels normal," Derek chuckles.
"Well, I'm gonna go inform your brother that he doesn't have to kill me, because the surgery was successful. I'll be back to check on you later; next time, try not to scare me half to death, okay? No matter if we're divorced, I don't wanna lose you Addie," Derek says quietly; he presses a kiss to your cheek before leaving the room.
You're all alone with Jake.
"Okay, please tell me we have kids," Jake grins.
"In fact we do; four of them,"
"Four?" Jake nods.
"So I've got Angela, my daughter with-"
"Your wife Lily," Jake smiles tenderly at you.
"Yeah, with Lily; and then there's Miguel, my surprise child I found out about a couple months ago. He's 11; I went out one night, had a little too much to drink with a woman and-"
"Does he live with us?"
"Yeah, he does; he came to live with us a few weeks ago when his stepdad's job sent him to the East Coast,"
"And our son…Henry?" Jake's heart swells with pride at the mention of Henry's name.
"Yeah, our boy; he's gonna be so excited his mama's feeling better,"
"That's three kids…where's the fourth?" Jake smiles before pulling out a picture of the most beautiful baby girl you've ever seen.
"We haven't named her yet; the paperwork's still being finalized. Judy, Henry's mother, she had another baby, insisted that we take her," With shaky hands you take the picture from him.
Your daughter is absolutely breathtaking. She looks like Henry, soft skin, a beautiful head of curls and those lips! Those full and pouty lips.
"Jake, how did we-"
"She's been living with us since we brought her home from the hospital. Mildred, the social worker has been keeping an eye on the case, but she assured me that she's our,"
"Where-"
"We left her in LA with Keisha at first but when I thought…she needed to be with her family," Jake's eyes are misty and you grab his hand.
"So she's-"
"Out in the waiting room with her big sister and her two big brothers," You can't help the dry sob that escapes your throat. Jake knows its against the rules but damn that, he climbs into bed with you. He's a doctor so he's careful when maneuvering your wires around. You settle into the most comfortable position possible and he holds you. Just breathes you in; just a few hours ago he'd been quite certain he'd never get to do this again.
"I love you; I love you so much," Jake nuzzles his face into your hair; you notice you didn't lose it. You ask Jake about it and he tells you,
"You only lost a little; that's why it's so short," You nod, wrapping his arms tighter around you.
"Jake, what I was…dreaming about before, it felt so, so real." It's a little bit heartbreaking to know that your girl's not here, but at the same time you're relieved that she didn't go through any of those things, and neither did you.
"Sometimes while we're comatose our subconscious thinks about things, things we may regret,"
"I don't, I don't regret doing it I just…I think about it, her sometimes. In my dream, she turned 13 and, it was terrible," Jake simply wraps his arms around you and listens to you recount every moment of Ella's life, or what would've been. He's right there when you fall asleep, waking up in a cold sweat. You'd dreamt of Ella again, finishing out that dream where you'd had to watch your little girl die. You're so thankful for him, for this life that you've built together. A few hours after you've composed yourself, you have a visit with your children. Henry's the most hesitant and it breaks your heart.
"Henry, it's okay sweetheart, I'm right here; I'm not going anywhere I promise," It takes a little coaxing from Jake but soon enough, Henry is in bed beside you, quietly sniffling.
"Honey, what's wrong?" You're lucid enough to reach down and push his curls out of his face before running your fingers through them.
"Are you gonna get sick again?" You lean forward as best your wires can and kiss his head.
"No baby, I promise,"
oOoOo
And you do, you really do; you stay in the hospital for another two weeks just to satisfy everyone else, but you yearn for Los Angeles. All of your friends from Seattle wish you well, with promises to call and visit more. The plane ride is blessedly quiet; Archer arranges for you and your family to fly back on a private jet. Your kids are quiet, allowing you and Jake a few moments with the newest member of your family, your tiny baby daughter. She's only three months old and you feel terrible, can remember a single moment with this sweet, sweet face.
"Addison, don't beat yourself up about it; Derek said there would be things you'd have a hard time remembering-"
"But I remember everything about Ella; it's been two weeks Jake, two weeks and there are…chunks of my life missing," you wipe away at tears angrily.
"Honey-"
"I should remember her, I should remember things about my kids, about my life with you," Jake scoots closer to you, wrapping his arms around yours as you both stare down at the sleeping bundle in your arms.
"We'll get through this Addison, I promise," He presses a kiss to your temple, giving you a squeeze.
Life in LA is good, foreign but good. Angela hangs around the house more, offers to help you around the house with things, spends time with the boys and the baby. You haven't gone back to work yet, Derek has yet to clear you, which is annoying because you're Addison Forbes Montgomery and saving lives is what you do. You're more than sure Derek hasn't cleared you at Jake's request. When you confront him about it, he's honest and tells you that he's had concerns, but not for the reasons you think.
"I think you should talk to someone about Ella, you're having a harder time with it than you're willing to admit," It pisses you off, his insinuation that you can't let Ella go. It's absurd really; you didn't even have the baby, and there's no guarantee that the baby would've been a girl. For all you know, the baby could've been deformed and not had a gender at all. But still, there's this feeling in your gut that if you had carried full term that you would've had a girl and her name would be Ella and she'd be beautiful.
You don't go to therapy.
Derek eventually clears you for work and finally there's some sort of semblance of normalcy in your life. Jake doesn't bother you about Ella anymore and you don't bring her up, but you know that there's a distance growing between you two. You slowly develop this sinking feeling that this is the beginning of the end.
You name the baby Imelda, after Jake's great-grandmother; it's a suggestion from Angela and you like it, Imelda Reilly. Imelda, or Emmy as you call her, is a relatively easy baby, a dream really, especially compared to how much of howler Henry was at her age. It's a beautiful thing to see Jake with a child, a baby girl all his own. Every time he soothes her, feeds her, hell, even changes her diaper it makes your now empty womb ache. You suddenly become wistful, wishing he'd been there those first few months of Henry's life while you wasted time pining over Sam (you still don't know what the hell you were thinking by doing that). Still, you can't help but think that you're losing Jake. Nothing is off, but since he suggested you go to therapy about Ella, things have felt off. Though he isn't doing anything he wouldn't normally do, there's an underlying feeling you have.
oOoOo
Imelda grows bigger and life goes on; Henry turns six and everything is wonderful, though you can't shake that feeling that you're losing Jake. Finally, you can't take it anymore and corner Jake on the deck one night after Henry and Imelda have gone to bed and Miguel is spending the night at Angela's (he does that a lot you notice).
"Addison, nothing's wrong," Jake shakes his head; he's standing near the back steps, his gaze on the horizon.
"Is this because I said I didn't need to go to therapy about Ella?" And there it is, the elephant that's been hanging in the room for past several months.
"What? Addison, no,"
"Jake, don't lie to me, I know that's what this is about," Jake shakes his head and sighs, muttering under his breath.
"Addison, a lot's happened in the last four months. I almost lost you and yes, I have to admit, the Ella thing freaked me out a bit. I was also upset that you could remember this whole life about a kid you didn't have but you couldn't remember us even adopting Imelda. It was scary Addison, because I felt like I was losing you to someone who doesn't even exist,"
"Jake-" He holds up a hand.
"I'm not finished…and you asked. You mutter about her in your sleep, do you know that? Sometimes I catch you out of bed and find you on the beach and you're crying. You're crying over her, aren't you? No, don't answer that; Addison I love you but, there are parts of you that I don't have access to, she has a part of your heart that I don't," Jake's words break your heart.
"Jake, I'm sorry," You move to stand behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist. You press your nose into the back of his shirt and breathe in his scent.
"I know, but just because I feel the way I do doesn't mean that I'm gonna leave you or hurt you like Derek, Mark, and Sam did," Slowly, he turns around in your arms, rubbing gently up and down your side.
"I am hopelessly and completely in love with you Addison Forbes Montgomery; I am in this, alright?" You nod tearfully and lean forward to kiss him.
"She tried to kill herself," you quietly whisper.
"What?"
"In my, in my dream; it was Ella's birthday and we were in the hospital because she'd tried to kill herself," it's something you didn't tell Jake before but you have to, that is what's been eating at you for months; that's what you can't let go of.
"Addison-"
"The year before, Derek and Mark had died, and I'd been hiding her from Mark, and she knew nothing about him. I remember I had to tell her and…somehow, we ended up in a hospital bed with my kid brain dead because she'd swallowed an entire bottle of pills,"
"Addison, why didn't you-"
"Say anything? Jake, I couldn't say anything because I didn't know what to say or how to say it. Before I woke up though, she held my hand," Your voice is shaky as you look up at him.
"I'm sorry,"
"I failed her twice, can you believe it?" You shake your head, though Jake takes a finger and nudges your chin to force you to look up at him.
"You didn't fail her Addison,"
"But I did; I didn't think I was good enough to have her, I didn't think her father was good enough to have her, and then in my dream I deprived her of a father and didn't tell her about him and it led to her wanting to killing herself," your voice is warbly, shaky and Jake holds you tighter.
"None of this is your fault, Addison," Jake's hands are soothing as they rub up and down your arms and shoulders.
"I know but-" Jake leans down and kisses you softly, slowly.
"Sh. Who you were back then is totally different from the woman I'm looking at right now. I love you, and back then you made the best decision you thought was best for you and Mark," You look at him and roll your eyes; he's being nice about it and you know it.
"Okay, so you made a partially selfish decision, but Addison, you can't change the past. You have to stop beating yourself up about what you did. What if Ella were here?" It's a question that floors you; you're too shocked to respond so Jake takes that as his cue to keep talking.
"I believe you love her, even though you had an abortion; what if she could see how you're torturing and tormenting yourself about what happened? I like to think that Ella wouldn't want you to do that. I think she'd want you to cherish what you have now," Jake doesn't say anything else; he simply stands up and leaves you standing on the deck.
oOo
You find yourself back in that dream world, where Ella exists; you're sitting in her now empty hospital room. You must've pulled the plug; they've probably followed your orders and taken her body for organ donation. You can feel your body shake with sobs as you sit beside the now empty hospital bed. You rest your head on the bed where she once lay; it still smells faintly of her. Your heart aches, physically aches; this dream feels all too real. You know logically that you had an abortion, that Mark is alive, so are Archer and Derek. You know you're married to Jake and have four wonderful beautiful children. Your life is great despite this decision; you don't regret it because you knew you weren't in a place to parent a child. You knew that despite his anger, Mark would've failed your daughter at some point. You didn't want her to grow up like you did, with parents who didn't deserve to be parents. So if you know all of these things, why the hell does this pain feel so real?
"The pain hurts because you blame yourself; you regret your decision because you feel like it's the reason you couldn't have more kids of your own," You look up, turn around and surprisingly, Ella is standing there in front of you. She's wearing a smirk that's all Mark Sloan.
"Ella," You're not sure if you trust your legs to stand; you don't even know how you're breathing right now.
"Hey mom," She leans against the door frame of her hospital room. It's a casual stance but the smile she wears is easy.
"How-"
"This is still very much a dream…it's kinda morbid though. Did you really have to kill me?" Your eyes widen with shock.
"Ella, I didn't-"
"Mom, Addison; you're in control of whatever happens in this dream world. I didn't have to die; did you notice that before Jake woke you up, you wanted me to squeeze your hand and I did? You control things,"
"But why would I…do something like that to you?" Ella shrugs lightly, lets one shoulder drop.
"That's something you have to figure out on your own," You tentatively reach out to touch her, and even her touch feels real, electric as your hands touch.
"Ella-"
"I'm not mad at you mom,"
"You're, you're not?" Ella chuckles and moves to sit beside you.
"No; sometimes things happen in life to show us that there are multiple paths to happiness. My path wasn't the one that was chosen, that's all,"
"Ella-"
"Please don't feel bad mom; you chose the path that was best for you. And from the looks of it, your life still turned out pretty great, my dad's did too," You're surprised she knows who he is.
"You, you know about Mark?" Ella gives you that easy smile of hers, one you wish you could feel forever.
"I know all about Mark Sloan; let's just say, I'm not the first kid somebody aborted on his account," It's cryptic, but you'd rather not bother with trying to figure out how many other children were aborted by women who'd slept with Mark.
"Do you-"
"Even if you'd had me, there was no guarantee that he'd be in my life, or that you would've stayed with him. You love him, and you probably always will, but loving him is toxic. Besides, Jake is exactly the man you needed, Her words are touching and you feel it, that what she's saying is true. You know deep within your soul that Jake is the one for you. That he is, as Derek puts it, your breath of fresh air.
"I just wish-"
"Mom…Addison," she shakes her head slowly, blonde strands of hair move back and forth.
"I know, I know," Ella looks out the window.
"The sun's coming up; Imelda will be awake soon," Somehow you know that's her cue to leave. You don't want her to but, you know she has to. It doesn't make saying goodbye any less painful.
"Will I ev…will I ever see you again?" Ella smiles sadly.
"You need to let me go; we're not meant to hold on to the past. You choosing not to have me doesn't mean it stopped you from having other children of your own. You could've had me and still had fertility issues. Besides, this was the way you were destined to be a mother. Not necessarily by genetics, but by choice, because you needed choice in motherhood. If you'd had me, I would've come with years worth of Montgomery and Sloan baggage. It wouldn't have been healthy. Plus, at least with these kids you don't have to contend with Bizzy and force them into living lives they don't want to. They're good kids, and you have the power to raise them how you want, no Montgomery standards. They're free-Henry, Imelda, Angela, Miguel. That's the life you deserve, not one where you're miserable and forcing a child into a life that doesn't make them happy, at least, not truly happy. If you'd stayed with my dad, you would've been raising me to be just like you. Because we both know you're not a quitter; you would've stuck it out or at least tried to stick it out, and you would've ended up becoming just like Bizzy, the thing you never wanted to be," Ella's words are like a bucket of cold water; something in you snaps and suddenly, you know.
You have to let her go, she needs this and so do you; so do your children.
You stand now, pulling her into a fierce hug. You let yourself breathe in the undeniable scent that is her. You run your fingers through that soft blonde hair one last time. You etch her eyes, her face, her entire essence into your soul, because you know it'll be your last time seeing her, being in this moment.
"I know I won't ever see you again but-"
"You'll think of me?"
"Always, and I'm sorry," Ella places a hand on your cheek.
"Don't be; I love you,"
And then you wake up.
oOoOo
A bit more time passes and slowly, Ella becomes a distant and faded memory. As the days, and weeks, and years go by, that dream you had about every birthday slowly is all but erased from your memory. You spend decades with Jake, watching Imelda and Henry grow. You're there for Angela through her 20's and the numerous boyfriends that will break her heart, until one day at age 27 she finds 'the one'. She's married by 30 and has a kid the following spring. You watch with pride as Jake finds his footing with Miguel. There's lots of pint up frustrations there because, well, he didn't formally come to know Jake until he was a young man. He turns to you in those moments where he doesn't understand his father, when his feelings of rejection become too much. He calls you mama; you're no longer Addison, just mama. You're there for every moment with Miguel, dates gone horribly wrong (you're still mortified when one of his girlfriends came to see you in your office, more than sure she was pregnant. It was an STD thank God but still, that was just as bad. You swore not to tell Jake but he already knew), you're there when his stepfather gets killed in Afghanistan (you didn't learn, or rather, remember what he did until later) and when his mother dies of cancer in his early 20's. You watch with pride as he becomes a paramedic for the U.S. Army. You don't like it but, he goes on to save the lives of dozens of soldiers. Angela surprises you all and becomes and English professor of all things. She writes a couple of books; she dedicates them to you once you're gone.
Henry and Imelda are soon the only two in the nest, and they love each other, but sibling rivalry occurs as it should, and it's normal and hectic and chaotic and you love it. They each grow up to be beautiful children and surprisingly Judy's part of that process as well. There's lots of strain, because she wasn't really around much for Henry, but still, you work through those rough patches. She's there with you when you pick out Imelda's prom dress, and her wedding dress. She's even there when you deliver her first child. Henry becomes a lawyer, works hard on immigration, making sure no families are separated. He also works on children adoption cases; he tries to convince you and Jake to become foster parents but, you're too old for that now. Imelda is the only one who becomes a surgeon, it's cardio but you'll take it. Jake would never admit it but, he was so proud the day she got accepted into med school. It was a struggle, lots of long nights, lots, and lots of tears but, your baby girl is a fighter. She graduated top of her class at Harvard and made your heart swell with pride when she decided to go to your alma mater for med school, Columbia. She marries at the start of her fellowship and waits another two years to have children.
You share nearly three more decades with Jake before the big moment comes. It happens so fast, so suddenly; Jake goes first surprisingly. He's older than you by six years, and he's been in great health. But one day while you're out on the deck, he has a stroke; it's massive and takes him almost instantly.
You feel like your soul's been crushed; you've only felt like this one other time.
Your children surround you and shower you with love; Angela asks you to move in with her, so does Miguel. Emmy temporarily leaves work and comes to stay with you; to keep you company for a while. Those first few months navigating life without Jake are hard, but you somehow manage. Every single day is painful, because you loved him so much, but you know he'd at least want you to try.
And so you do; you manage six more years before you finally decide it's time.
It's calm, your death; you come home from work (yes, you're still seeing patients; you put down the scalpel about ten years before, but you're still doing genetics and you teach now), you have dinner and a glass of wine. You don't need a nurse but your children do have someone to sit with you at night so you're not completely alone. You don't want it but you begrudgingly do it, because you know they care and you don't want to worry them. You tell Linda your nurse goodnight and head upstairs.
Nearly ten years since his death and you still can't sleep on his side of the bed. But tonight though, you do; you don't exactly sleep on his side but, you roll closer to the middle, rest your hand on his pillow and you drift off to sleep.
They say it's a coma, but you know better; it's an aneurysm. You'd had the symptoms all week but brushed it off. You're Addison Forbes Montgomery, you're a hero, you're god in a sense. If you can survive cervical cancer, cheating on your first husband, having an abortion, being barren, losing your mother to suicide, watching your brother nearly die of worms in the brain, your ex husband and the almost father of your child nearly dying in a plane crash, losing the love of your life, you can survive anything. Still, it's a silent killer and it takes down a giant, you.
You remain in a coma for nearly a week before your children realize that you need to go, that you want to go. It happens on a Tuesday afternoon at two o'clock. Your children and grandchildren and your friends surround you. Angela and Henry hold your hand. When you let go, you find yourself alone in your hospital room. You look and feel much younger; your hair is longer, fuller, that luscious red color it used to be decades ago. You find yourself impeccably dressed, your killer five-inch pumps, a beautiful skirt and a button down blouse; you look to the chair and there lies your purple Ralph Lauren trench coat and a Birkin bag. You're confused; if this is the afterlife then, why does it seem like you're going on a trip?
"The future of the afterlife is whatever you want it to be," and that voice, it's so familiar. You dare not look to the door; you haven't dreamt of her in decades, since that thirteenth birthday but suddenly, she's there, in your face; she looks not a day younger than thirteen. She's standing before you smiling, grinning.
"Hi Addison, are you ready?"
You smile and take her hand, because yes, you finally are.
You stand up, smooth out your outfit before taking careful, measured steps to grab your trench coat and purse. Ella wraps an arm around your waist and together, you make your way into the hallway.
You're surprised at what you find; the hallway is full of people you'd known before, when you were alive. You look and see Dell, sweet William Dell Parker.
"Hey, Addison; it's good to see you. I never thought you'd get here,"
Pete is there; so is Sheldon. Your heart wells up when you see a little boy you're sure is Amelia's son, her little Unicorn baby. You smile at the man standing beside him, holding his hand; Ryan. You stop when you see your parents standing there, side by side, though Susan is standing next to your mother, their hands intertwined.
"It's good to see you, Kitten," Bizzy surprises you with warm, welcomed words.
"I'm glad you're here, Addison," Susan doesn't say anything; she simply grins at you.
Ella grabs your hand and pulls you down the hall. You see others, so many others and a few you're surprised to see. You stop when you see Richard Webber, pull him in for a hug. You smile and wave at the sea of people you've known over the years-Vivienne Carlson, Nicole Herman, Kevin Nelson, Derek's mother, his father.
Soon, you arrive to the end of the hall and there he is, there they are. Jake is standing there, Derek and Mark waiting at his side. Jake steps forward, takes your hands into his and kisses them.
"You kept me waiting for a long time," You can't help but grin at him.
"Well you know I'm always fashionably late," You smirk. You step back and hug Derek and Mark close. You feel a sense of peace and contentment as Ella smiles back at you, wrapping an arm around Mark. You're glad they've found each other; you see a small child hoisted on Derek's hip. You give him a questionable stare.
"She's mine; during the shooting Meredith was…can you say hi to Addison?" The child is absolutely adorable as she gives you a wave.
You notice that Jake is still holding your hand; he's waiting.
"This is as far as we can go Red," You glance back at Mark and smile.
This is probably the final time you see him, you see any of them. You have no idea where you're going but you know that wherever you are, as long as Jake's with you, you have no fear.
"Are you ready sweetheart?"
"Yeah, I am,"
xxx