Omega note: Yes, I'm well-aware of the fact that the Iron Man movies came out years prior and that I'm a little behind in terms of parodying them, but I've had the idea in my head pretty much ever since I started watching South Park and reading ArchangelRG91's SP fic and I figure it's high time to put my favorite hobby and one of my favorite shows together! Now, this story has four parts to it (the first two representing the first movie and the other two representing the second) and for each part lies references to an event in the movies. If you have seen the movies, let's see if you can point them out! If not, I would still like you to read, review, and enjoy my first fanfiction…EVER!
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS SHOW-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CELEBRITY VOICES ARE IMPERSONATED…POORLY. THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE
Singer: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.
Stan and Kyle: FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE, HUMBLE FOLK WITHOUT TEMPTATION!
Singer: Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.
Cartman: AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT, PEOPLE SPOUTING "HOWDY NEIGHBOR"!
Singer: Heading down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.
Kenny (though muffled): I LIKE FUCKING SILLY BITCHES, CAUSE I KNOW MY PENIS LIKES IT!
Singer: So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine!
The screen opens up on the outside of South Park Elementary as it often does. In Mr. Garrison's class, when Stan walks into the room, all of the students (save for Cartman, who was focused on writing something at his desk) run up to him and grant him high praise and admiration for some reason. Kyle and Kenny pat his back while Wendy hugs and kisses him on the lips.
"W-What'd I do?" Stan stutters modestly.
"Don't be modest, Killer Marsh!" Jenny Simons, having somehow recovered after her "crapped-pants ordeal" in Bass to Mouth, walks up to Stan to show him the Dairy Planet newspaper (which reads at the top "STAN STONES SIXTH-GRADER") that depicts him knocking out the sixth grade leader with a right cross in an apparent boxing match! "Can I get a quote?"
"Uh, Yeah!" Stan wraps his arm around Wendy's waist, "Don't be a douche and mess with people like my girlfriend!"
"Heard that, Cartman?" Kyle looks in Cartman's direction threateningly, but Cartman remains focused on his work. "Cartman?"
"Maybe he finally ran out of shit to say!" Kenny utters muffled.
"Not a chance, dude." Stan shakes his head from left to right in disbelief.
"Yeah, not the fat boy I know." Kyle adds. His insult causes Cartman only to growl, but not loud enough for everyone to hear.
"Okay, students. Let's take our seats." Mr. Garrison walks into the room as the bell rings and the kids take their respective seats. "Today, we will be discussing stratovolcanoes and how they affected the world over the past hundred years. One of the most famous examples is that of Mount Vesuvius, which erupted in Italy in AD 79 and utterly destroyed the cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum and killed a lot of people in the most horrible way imaginable."
Mr. Garrison then ceases lecturing to sternly look at Cartman, expecting him to express his latest display of sadism despite the horrific situation. All of the kids in class follow suit, preparing to mentally express their annoyance with the obese child. But to everyone's surprise, Cartman remains emotionless and focused on his work, doing nothing more than turning a piece of paper over to continue writing.
"Huh." Mr. Garrison continues his lecture in shock. "Who can give me another example?"
"I can!" Kyle raises his hand as he looks at Cartman, expecting his "friend" to mock him. But once again, the overweight boy remains dedicated to his task.
"Go ahead, Kyle." Mr. Garrison motions.
"Mount St. Helens erupted on May 18, 1980 at 8:32 am PDT and is considered the most economically disastrous volcanic event in American history." Kyle answers. "Fifty-seven people were killed and over 200 houses were destroyed."
Everyone again looks at Cartman and realize that not even a smirk could crack his face at this point, which they find quite abnormal. Finally, he takes notice of everyone's attention towards him and utters, "Mount Parkerstone. The volcano me Stan, Kyle, and Kenny went to last year to hunt animals with Stan's Uncle Jimbo."
As he continues to work, a shocked Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at each other before the screen shifts to the school playground at recess, where everyone (except for Cartman, who continues writing on the school's steps but this time, with a slight smile on his face) has all the fun in the world before they have to come back in and get back to work. Unable to ignore Cartman's sudden shift in behavior anymore, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, Token, Butters, and Jimmy walk up to him.
"Hey! You're blocking my light!" Cartman complains, but changes his facial expression back to slight happiness when he realizes who they are. "Oh, just you!"
"What's goin' on with you, Cartman?" Kyle demands an explanation, but not out of anger…this time. "It's not like you to not rip on people who get wasted by lava or whatever!"
"Yeah! And since when did you start blowin' us off at recess just to write? And what're you writing?" Stan reaches for Cartman's papers.
"Uh…" Cartman stands up and put his papers behind his back defensively. "I think it'd be easier to show and tell than to just…tell, guys. Meet me at Redbone Avenue at 8:00 tonight and I'll tell show and tell ya everything. But just you guys, 'kay? I mean it! Tell and bring anyone else, I'll kick all of you in the nuts!"
Later that night, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Token, Jimmy, Butters, and Craig walk down the street to reach the address given to them by Cartman.
"So, w-w-w-why do you think Eric called us out this late f-f-f-for?" Jimmy wonders.
"Got me." Token shrugs. "Kinda weird to think it's got everything to do with that stuff he was writing."
"Hope it's not another dick measurement." Craig jokes with his nasal voice.
The boys arrive at Redbone Avenue and see that the only visible structure around is a white clubhouse made to look like a mansion.
"Whoa, dude!" Kyle exclaims, obviously impressed with the structure's size and quality.
"My family and I should move in here!" Kenny muffles impressed.
Stan opens the front door. To his and his friends' surprise, the clubhouse is beautifully decorated with a fountain in the middle of the floor and a large staircase almost right behind it! On the boys' left and right were long hallways in foyers.
"Holy shit, dude!" Stan utters surprised. "How long's Cartman been keepin' a place like this from us?"
"Oh, gee whiz, fellers. This looks like the kind of place where you se-see pretty girls dressed in, uh, maid outfits!" Butters adds.
"Don't go far with it, Butters." Kyle shrugs off that idea. "Cartman would call a girl a "semen-hungry skank" before he would hire-"
"Hiya, guys!" Suddenly, seven girls (obviously no older than the boys themselves), six dressed in incredibly thin and revealing maid outfits and sporting heavy make-up, walk out in front of the seven boys with all but Stan and Kyle becoming aroused by their appearance.
"Welcome to Mr. Cartman's home away from home!" The lead girl greets. She is the only one wearing her light-red hair in a ponytail and wearing a white dress shirt, a black dress jacket, black skirt, and black high-heeled shoes. "I'm Brittany Walsh, Mr. Cartman's personal assistant. If you four boys would follow these lovely ladies to the media room…"
Brittany pointed to Token, Butters, Craig, and Jimmy before four of the maids walk up to them; two grabbing Token's arms, one each grabbing Craig and Butters' arms, and all of whom motioning for Jimmy to follow them off-screen.
"As for you three boys, Mr. Cartman wants to see you personally." Brittany tells Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
"Well, where is he?" Kenny asks.
"By the pool. Follow me, please!" Brittany leads the three boys through the left foyer to reach Cartman. The maids follow, but Brittany commands, "Go service the other boys. I got this."
As the maids walk off, Brittany brings the boys by Cartman's pool, where Cartman himself is seen sitting in a lawn chair facing the direction of the pool.
"They're here!" Brittany touches his chair. "Will that be all, Mr. Cartman?"
"That'll be all, Ms. Walsh." Mr. Cartman kindly dismisses his assistant.
As Brittany walks off-screen, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk up to Cartman.
"All right, Cartman, we're here. Time to—whoa!" Stan exclaims.
"What, you don't like my new look? Did it myself!" Cartman turns to show that he has dyed his hair black and put a fake black goatee on his face so that he could resemble Tony Stark from the Iron man movies! He is even wearing a burgundy dress shirt, black dress pants, and black dress shoes!
"What's gotten into you?" Kyle asks curious and a tad impatient. "How'd you get this place? How long have you had it? What are you up to and tell me why we should care?"
"Anybody ever tell you that you ask more questions than a gay guy in a straight room?" Cartman stands up. "Follow me!"
Moments later, the four boys are in an apparent workshop that, oddly, pretty much only has blueprints of all different kinds of weapons obviously designed and built by Cartman either on the walls or on the desks. There is also, however, a small, flat screen on the wall that Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are sitting in front of as they had Cheesy Poofs, donuts, and soda. As Cartman sips his soda in a martini glass, something started to play on the screen when a man's voice utters...
"HIPPIES. AMERICA'S LATEST GROWING PROBLEM." We see many of the hippies that were previously seen in the episode Die Hippie Die doing things from drinking acid to playing guitars in a fashion that annoys and horrifies the civilians surrounding them. "ORIGINALLY ATTEMPTING TO FORCE A NEW UTOPIA UPON THE EARTH BY ANNOYING THE BEJESUS OUT OF EVERYONE, THEY GRADUALLY BEGAN TO LEARN THAT THEIR METHODS WERE FUTILE AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT'S FORCES. PUSHED TO THE BRINK OF EXTINCTION, THEY HAVE DECIDED TO PUT THE "ENFORCE" BACK INTO PEACE ENFORCEMENT AND CARRY OUT THEIR UTOPIAN DREAMS THROUGH…TERRORISM!" Next, we see Hippies, who now resemble Arab terrorists from the Iron man movies (but are wearing Eco-friendly suits and rags with peace symbols on them), shooting at well-dressed and influential people with bullets laced with acid and rocket-grenades laced with pot and designed to look like bongos! Others are seen tormenting civilians and destroying homes and machinery using the sonic waves of their guitars! One of them being Stan's dad, Randy!
"Jesus, dude!" Stan exclaims, concerned for his father.
"THOUGH THE MILITARY PUT SOME FUNDING INTO STOPPING THE HIPPIES, THE TABLES HAVE UNFORTUNATELY TURNED AND THEIR FORCES HURDLED TOWARDS THE BRINK OF EXTINCTION." The man continues. "THAT WAS UNTIL THE ARRIVAL OF A NEW BEACON OF HOPE…ERIC CARTMAN." An image of Cartman in his Tony Stark look and a black suit appear as an unseen audience applauds. "VISIONARY. MOGUL. CHILD PRODIGY. FROM AN EARLY AGE, HE BEGAN HIS DISDAIN TOWARDS HIPPIES AND DESIRED TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE BY RIDDING IT OF SAID BASTARDS."
"The hell? Are you serious?" Kyle scoffs. Even though he himself despises Hippies after admitting it in Fun with Veal and becoming further disgusted in Die Hippie Die, he finds everything about what he was seeing improbable and illogical.
"Shh! This is the best part!" Cartman reprimands Kyle. "Noisy Jew!"
"AT AGE 3, HE CAUGHT HIS FIRST COLONY OF GIGGLING STONERS." An image shows Cartman, at three years old, trapping a dozen angry pot-smoking hippies in a large fishnet. "AND AT AGE 6, HIS FIRST PACK OF ACID-DRINKERS." An image shows six-year-old Cartman locking half a dozen angry acid-drinkers in a large cage. "BUT PERHAPS MOST NOTABLY, HE SAVED HIS TOWN OF SOUTH PARK, COLORADO FROM THE DEADLIEST HIPPIE SWARM IN HISTORY AT AGE 8." We see an image of Cartman, Butters' mom Linda, Stan's dad, Randy, and the then-alive Chef standing just outside of their giant drill machine in Die Hippie Die. "BUT DESPITE THIS, HE FELT THAT HE COULD STILL DO MORE FOR THE WORLD."
We see an image of a bald kid in a blue suit just a few years older than Cartman (and wearing a fake gray beard) as the man continues, "LEGENDARY HIPPIE-CONTROL WEAPON DEVELOPER ZACHARIAH CHAIN ADMITTED TO THE PUBLIC THAT WITH THE HIPPIES FIGHTING BACK IN AN OVERWHELMING WAY, HE WAS INCLINED TO SEVER TIES WITH THE MILITARY UNTIL ONE YEAR LATER, USING FINANCES GAINED FROM OTHER HIPPIE FIGHTING MISSIONS, YOUNG ERIC BOUGHT CHAIN ENTERPRISES, NOW CALLED "CARTMAN INDUSTRIES", AND WAS ANOINTED CEO." Again, the off-screen audience applauds with an image of Cartman, his hair being dyed black and his black goatee not yet being there, shaking hands with Zachariah appears. Images of the different weapons Cartman obviously built, from rifles to grenade/missile launchers, appear on the screen and as more pictures of a bearded, smiling Cartman appear, the man continues, "PERSONALLY HANDLING THE TECHNOLOGY, ERIC USHERED IN A NEW ERA OF HIPPIE-FIGHTING OFFENSES THAT ENSURE LASTING DEFENSES AROUND THE NATION."
Once the clip ends, the lights click on and Cartman smirks at his "friends", "There you have it! That's why I've got a fortune, this clubhouse, and the ass of an 11-year-old masseuse every Friday at 9:00!"
"Still doesn't answer what you were writing earlier today." Stan reminds Cartman.
"That was my speech." Cartman replied. "I have to fly to Nevada and present my latest weapon this weekend. Hope I'll be back in time for the Terrance and Phillip Spring Break marathon next week. But on to present matters, I'd like you three gentlemen, my closest friends, to work for me. Trust me. You'll get the sweetest check in the history of sweet checks."
"You're full of shit, Fatso!" Kenny muffles angrily. "You talk about wiping out hippies to keep people safe, but you decide to keep all the money to yourself instead of giving it to poor people who's lives were destroyed by the hippies!"
"Hey, I make weapons, Kenny! Not welfare tickets!" Cartman snaps. "And don't call me fat, you fucking asshole!"
"Errgh!" Kenny walks off-screen frustrated.
"So, what do you say, guys?" Cartman asks Stan and Kyle.
"I'd say you're fat and need to take that stupid-ass beard off, but I think I did that once! I think hippies are gaywads as much as you do, but only a dumbass would compare them to terrorists!" Kyle replies before he too walks off-screen.
"Stan, before you walk off, think about it!" Cartman walks up to Stan and touches his shoulder. "A day in my employ will make the scraps of shit your parents pay you look like allowance."
"Uh, dude. That is allowance." Stan corrects Cartman.
"Look, the point is, with me, in less than 3 years, you'll be set for life and will get to buy your whor—uh, your Wendy everything she ever wanted, and she'll give you everything you ever need." Cartman explains, piquing Stan's interest. "And I'm sure you know what that means. A weekend alone with Wendy at my summerhouse in Middle Park as a monthly bonus. With no interruptions, you'll get to wrap your hands all over her tight little ass and fat hooters. Sounds good doesn't it, Stan? A perfect weekend with your girl each month. Screaming your name each and every time."
"What's the job?" Stan excitedly grabs Cartman's shirt!
"Well, I hear you're one helluva kart driver and you beat the shit outta that sixth grade dick in boxing so, I'd like you to be my personal chauffer, bodyguard, and head of security!" Cartman sticks his hand out before Stan willingly shakes it. "All right, ready for your first job?"
"Hell, yeah." Stan excitedly replies.
"Good, 'cause where I'm goin' is the first place they might come lookin' for me. Reporters! Paparazzi! Hippie-lovin' pussies!" Cartman's facial expression turns grave. "It's very important that I go here to pick-up what's mine for the sake of tomorrow's flight. Be prepared, Stan. Things might get ugly."
The screen shifts to the inside of Cartman's house, where his mother, Liane hands him a small, unwrapped package while Stan (who is now dressed like Happy Hogan from the Iron man movies) and three other boys his and Cartman's age stand behind him (Cartman).
"Here you are, sweetie! Have fun!" Liane smiles.
"Cool, thanks mom!" Cartman and the others leave.
"Hey, Cartman? How come you got that Brittany girl as your personal assistant? I thought you had issues with Gingers?" Stan asks.
"Keyword: Had!" Cartman replies as he and his security walk up to his apparent limousine-like go-kart. "My toy Leon Kennedy is wise as any dad. Said that since I'm half-ginger, might as well square with it. Stay in denial for too long, you'll go crazy and do something like cut somebody up. Plus, Britt's got a sweet ass."
"Mr. Cartman! Excuse me, Mr. Cartman!" Jenny Simons runs up to the group, but is forced to stop by three of Cartman's guards, excluding Stan.
"It's Jenny." Stan whispers to Cartman.
"Simons?" Cartman asks, somewhat surprised, as Stan nods. Cartman turns around, "Yeah, hi. Were you following me?"
"You could say that." Jenny replies. "You weren't at your clubhouse. Now, as you know, I work at our school newspaper and I was wondering if I could ask you some questions."
"Better not be the prying kind." Cartman warns.
"You've been called the "child version of the Davinci of our time", how do you feel about that?" Jenny asks.
"Pissed off, 'cause I look nothing like a ninja turtle." Cartman utters.
"You've also been called the "Killer Shark of Pothead waters"!" Jenny continues.
"Hmm, I like that." Cartman approves. "Seriously, Jenny, you think I'm not onto you?"
"Excuse me?" Jenny asks, a tad offended.
"You're tryin' to use what I say out of context so you can make me look like another rich war profiteer. Well let me tell you something, Ms. Simons. It's a fucked up world, but it's also all we got. And the day hippies get a clue and I won't have to keep proving weapons aren't needed, I'll go back to helpin' kids get back at their parents for bullcrap."
"You seriously serious about that?"
"Dead serious, actually. I'll show you the records I have for that venture firsthand."
"Look, I just want a straight answer."
"Too bad. Not gonna let you make me look like a war profiteer. Sorry, Jen!"
"You know what they say? Guilty dogs bark first. And ink or no ink, you're doing it now!"
"Look here, ho." Cartman removes his glasses annoyed. "You're gonna stand there and tell me that the violent removal of hippies hasn't spawned some freakin' great results? No stoners means no disastrous fumes murdering babies on the brink of glorious childhood. No drum circles means everyone can get up from sleep and get on with their lives and stay out of kids' asses. That and more, military funding, sweetheart."
"Whoa. Got to get up early in the morning?" Jenny exclaims charmed.
"Depends. What do you want now?" Cartman smirks suggestively.
Seconds later, in Cartman's bedroom, a half-naked Jenny is making out with butt-naked Cartman on his bed as both moaned pleasurably. Several seconds later, Jenny, now butt-naked and having her chest covered by Cartman's arms, moaned passionately as Cartman strokes his off-screen penis in and out of her. Once both reached their edge, Jenny sighs satisfied as Cartman yells, "WHA-POW!"
The next morning, a black-suited Cartman is on a large jet plane with his company's name on it, sitting across from an almost life-sized Leon Kennedy action figure. Cartman opens his package and finds a DVD disk before he excitedly pops it into a portable DVD player and a big TV appears before the "two". The DVD parodies the theme music video of the Apprentice's first season with Cartman filling all the positions with Donald Trump and unknown kids being the candidates. Once it was over, Cartman, as if his toy was speaking with him, replies to it, "Yeah, it does make me look fat, Leon. They'll see that I'm not when I show up for the first episode."
"Mr. Cartman, we will be landing shortly!" An apparent 8-year-old pilot tells Cartman.
"Kay!" Cartman yells back. As if the toy is speaking to him again, Cartman replies, "You heard about me and Jenny? No, Leon! It's oral sex that's disgusting! I mean, c'mon! Girls' mouths don't belong on schlongs! They could throw up and burn them off! Oh, sweet! We're here!"
The plane successfully lands before, seconds later, the screen shifts to the middle of the Nevada desert, where Cartman introduces his latest hippie-slaying weapon to the military and men in black suits (obviously Government officials).
"Is it better to be feared or respected?" Cartman starts. "In the case of the enemy, feared. 'Cause we want them gone, not dick-sucking us. With that, I present to you the crown jewel of Cartman Industries' weapon treasure room. You let one of these dogs off the chain, the story villains won't come within 6,300 klicks of innocent civilians ever again."
Cartman motions for a multiple missile launcher (parodying the one used by Stark) to launch one of the missiles into the air. It breaks off into other little missiles and falls all around the land, leaving behind dark red explosions and the strong odor of decaying flesh! Cartman utters smugly, "For your consideration…the Fineso! "Final Solution" if you can't keep up with today's lingual."
"Why does it smell like dead meat?" One of the Gov. officials asks.
"'Cause it is." Cartman walks over to a cooler that automatically opens to show twelve small glasses of root beer and four tall bottles of Ginger Ale. He takes one of the small glasses, "If hippies hate the sight and smell of the dead animals we eat, then touching it will scar 'em for sure. Especially when I added a little…spice if you will. To peace."
As Cartman sips his soda, he gets a call from Zachariah on his Iphone with the latter apparently laying in bed.
"Zach, my friend! What're you still doin' up? Your mom gave you a new curfew!" Cartman walks over to a Humvee.
"So?" Zachariah smirks.
"That's why I like you, man. You're not a pussy!"
"How'd it go?"
"Let's just say there'll be a decline in music festivals and gay peace vans before the next major celebrity birthday!"
"Hey, wait to go, man! See ya tomorrow?"
"Hey, what happened to the bunny pajamas your mom bought you?"
"Good night, Eric." Zachariah hangs up.
"Hey, Leon? See you back at base!" As he gets into his Humvee, Cartman waves at his toy, which is "drinking" a glass of root beer as he "talks" to a couple military men.
Cartman finishes off his soda and he closes his eyes as the Humvee drives off. But the moment he falls asleep, he finds himself waking up just as quickly in a cave with his suit torn, ripped, and bloody, his hair all messed up, his face and hands dirty and bloody, and a mysterious circular item on his chest underneath what's left of his dress shirt. Cartman's attention then went to a man that resembles Yinsen from the Iron man movies, whom is cooking something nearby.
"Who the hell are you?" Cartman turns to the man.
"Careful. You'll squish your present." The man warns.
Cartman looks at what is wrapped in bandages under his chest. As the screen zooms in on him for dramatic affect, he unwraps the bandages until, to his surprise and shock, he sees…"Wow! A chocolate donut with sprinkles!" He gobbles it down in seconds before he sits up to face the man.
"Took two when a hippie wasn't looking." The man explained. "And to answer your previous question, my name is Joe Hensen."
"Hippie, what? There are hippies? Here? What is this place?" Cartman gets up and looks around frantically and surprised.
"Where do you think, little Ikeman?" Just then, Joe stands up and next to Cartman just as three-dozen armed hippies, led by one unarmed bald one that resembles Raza from the Iron man movies (but this man was Caucasian), walks up to the two.
"Hey, those are my weapons!" Cartman yells outraged. "How the fuck did you get my weapons? Goddamn thieving hippies!"
"Close it, kid!" Joe demands.
"Let's start with introductions, Ikemen!" The leading hippie sneers. "I'm Moosewater, leader of the Ten Drums Hippie Terrorist group. I know Hensen already but I've never had the chance to meet Eric Cartman, the most famous mass murderer in the history of…South Park, Colorado. Follow me outside!"
Led by Moosewater and forced by his group, Cartman and Joe step outside of the cave, where they find nearly every weapon designed by Cartman and manufactured by his company right there in front of them on a mass scale!
"The Fuck?" Cartman gulps horrified. "I made these to end guys like you, but you got em anyway?"
"More than just that." Moosewater explains. "These weapons, your weapons, were like, gutted of all the stuff used to kill us and replaced with things we use to kill the man's forces!"
"You-You what?" Cartman steps back appalled.
"The only one we don't have, though?" Moosewater smokes some of his pot. "Your Fineso! You're gonna make one from scratch and have the fuel be everything we got! Acid, pot, powerful guitar frequencies, all of it! When you're through, you're outta here! Deal?"
Cartman, despite being well aware of what Moosewater means by "you're outta here", willingly shakes his new enemy's hand with a smile, worrying the heck out of Joe.
Seconds later in the cave, Joe reprimands Cartman for making the deal with Moosewater nonchalantly. While Joe does so, Cartman is busy drawing something on a long piece of paper.
"Have you lost your freakin' mind, Eric?" Joe pulls his hair worried. "They'll kill me! You! And if they don't, we'll both be dead in-"
"Dude! Shut up!" Cartman turns around annoyed and prepared to show Joe what he's got. "They're not gonna kill us! Won't even get the fucking chance! Know why? 'Cause we got this!"
Cartman shows Joe a picture of a bulky powered exoskeleton large enough to fit himself. Joe looks on impressed.
"Well…shall we get to work?" Joe asks.
For the next couple days, Cartman and Joe work extensively on the former's battlesuit. Moosewater is watching the two via a surveillance feed, but is far too high to realize the details.
"Ha! Ha! Can't wait to fucking waste those Ikemen!" Moosewater laughs, being very stoned.
Parodying the same scene from the first movie, complete with the dramatic background music, Cartman bangs on a steel mask repeatedly before he puts it in water to emit steam and cool. He drops it on the table in front of Hensen, "Suit up."
About an hour later, just outside the cave, Cartman, in his completed, crude suit of armor, busts through the door with his armor and begins to destroy all of his weapons with the hippies' apparently intensified acid coming out of his arms' guns!
"HOW 'BOUT THIS ACID? HUH? FAGS!" Cartman continues destroying weapons and indirectly bringing physical and fatal harm to many of the hippies!
"LISTEN UP, BITCHES! I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE FROM ANY OF YOU AGAIN!" Joe uses a "hippie-control sound gun" to destroy and incinerate not just the weapons in the area, but the hippies as well! Before long, almost all of the hippies and weapons are destroyed and several explosions occur!
"Good shooting, Joe!" Cartman compliments, something he rarely does to anyone.
"Not to bad yourself, ki-OOH!" Suddenly, Moosewater, who even though is still partially stoned, is recovered enough to hold and fatally shoot Joe from behind! He then drops the weapon and picks up an acid/weed powered rocket-launcher and points it at Cartman as he (Cartman) turns around.
"You're outta here, Ikeman! Deals off!" Moosewater fires the missile at Cartman, but not before he shoots acid at him and causes the missile to explode in front of his face, rendering him unconscious!
"Joe! Joe, get up!" Cartman kneels down to Joe and tries to get him up. "We gotta go!"
"Pot's too strong! Shot in the lungs!" Joe slowly begins to die from "pot-bullet poisoning". "Never make it! Leave…Eric!"
Cartman watches as Joe dies before he himself gets shot at by more hippies. Seeing a nearby missile, he shoots it and creates an explosion so huge, it forces every living hippie back some feet. With nothing else to destroy, Cartman flips a switch on his suit and jumps over 100 feet in the air before he lands headfirst further into the Nevada desert.
"OH, GOD DAMMIT! SON OF A BITCH!" Cartman exclaims in pain as he throws all of his suit's metal off in anger.
An hour later, Cartman is wandering the desert aimlessly. Hot. Tired. Depressed. Just then, two military helicopters fly over Cartman's head before the obese child excitedly jumps up and down, "HEY! HEY! DOWN HERE! DOWN HERE!"
Moments later, the helicopters land directly in front of him before the co-pilots of both dash towards him.
"Yep. It's him all right!" Says one of the co-pilots. "No one else is I know is that fat."
"Hey! Don't call me fat, asshole!" Cartman angrily yells off-screen. Suddenly, his attention shifts to the other co-pilot and he (Cartman) asks, "How'd you guys know I was here?"
"A friend of yours kept faith and told us to work double time. Here he is!" The other co-pilot gets Leon Kennedy out of his copter and hands him to Cartman.
"Leon! I knew you'd come for me!" Cartman embraces his action figure in a hug.
Behind "Cartman Industries" (which parodies "Stark Industries" in appearance), Cartman's jet plane makes a safe landing. Directly in front of the plane are Stan and an emotional Brittany. Both watch relieved as Cartman walks down the plane's ramp with a tall black man and his Leon Kennedy toy by his side.
Cartman walks up to the reassured Brittany, "Hmm, eyes are red. Busy watching the Terrance and Phillip marathon?"
"Made me cry every time I thought about you. And my paycheck." Brittany jokes.
"Yeah, well…back to work!" Cartman snorts as he and Brittany get in the kart-limo's backseat and Stan in the driver's seat.
"Where to, dude?" Stan asks.
"Hospital please, Stan." Brittany replies.
"No." Cartman folds his arms.
"No? Eric, you have to see a doctor!" Brittany argues as Cartman stubbornly refuses, "No" means "no", not yes! I don't have to do shit! All right, I've been held captive by goddamn, cock-sucking hippies for three days! Here's what I want! You to call for a press conference in the morning in front of town! And the other-"
"I'm not calling her for you." Brittany interrupts in disgust.
"Not what I was thinking." Cartman continues. "I want a chocolate pound cake from KFC."
"Wait a minute! Press Conference? What's going on with-" Brittany asks concerned.
"Stan, drive. KFC. Now!" Cartman interrupts and ignores his personal assistant.
That night, Kyle is sitting at his desk as he speaks with Stan on the phone.
"So, wait! He didn't get killed out there?" Kyle asks, as Stan replies, "No! Surprised you even care!"
"Why wouldn't I?" Kyle asks. "Cartman might be a retarded fat shithead, but I don't want him to die. I'm not a monster. Unlike him."
"Dude, I saw it in his eyes." Stan tells Kyle. "Those hippies really shook him up. I really don't think he's the villain of this one."
"Oh, come on!" Kyle rolls his eyes outraged. "They're called "hippies" for a reason, Stan! They're against violence and terrorism! What sense does it make to promote peace if you're going to use violence? Think about it!"
Just then, Kyle hears a banging noise upstairs in his little brother Ike's room. He investigates and, to his surprise, sees several apparent spy agents break into his brother's room via the window! Next, twice as many armed agents swarm into the room via the hallway, surrounding a confused and frightened Kyle.
"What the hell's going on, here?" Kyle demands an explanation while retaining his frightened facial expression.
"What, it's not obvious?" A black man wearing an all-black suit and a black eye-patch on his left eye walks past his men in the hallway and up to Kyle.
"You! You're-" Kyle asks.
"Samuel L. Jackson. Director of the Stupid Hippie Intervention Enforcement and Lock-up Division!" The man introduces himself.
Kyle looks down to think before he utters, "Don't you think it'd be easier to say "S.H.I.E.L.D."?"
"Hey, I'm Samuel L. Jackson! I'll say whatever long line I want, you little mother fucking snake!" Jackson curses out Kyle. "So, you can just jump off of a mother fucking plane!"
"All right, calm down, dude!" Kyle steps back. "What do you want, anyway?"
"You're Kyle Broflovski, right?" Jackson asks. "Skeptic of the true potential of hippies and a friend of Eric Cartman? Which, by the way, is an oxymoron?"
"Uh…yeah!" Kyle answers, still in shock.
"Then, all we want is seven hours of your time." Jackson holds up a large white, chrome helmet as Kyle steps back in surprise.
End of Part 1
Trivia: The "Dairy Planet" (obviously named after the "Daily Planet") school newspaper got it's name mainly because I thought since South Park Elementary's mascot and teams are cow-based, why shouldn't the newspaper be?
Though "Jenny Simons" is an established character, I decided to slightly revamp her for this fic so that she could resemble "Christine Everhart", a reporter that Tony sleeps with and continually stays on his ass throughout the movie.
"Mount Parkerstone", which first appeared in the third episode, "Volcano" (but was not named), is named after the freakin' geniuses who made South Park, "Trey Parker" and "Matt Stone".
The "Brittany Walsh" character is a direct mirror of "Pepper Potts", Tony Stark's personal assistant in the Iron man movies.
The documentary that depicts Cartman's life and history with combating hippies, founding his company, and meeting Zachariah Chain is a direct parody of the documentary of Tony Stark shown at the beginning of the first movie.
"Zachariah Chain" parodies the character "Obadiah Stane" from the first movie in both name and appearance.
"Joe Hensen" is a direct parody of the character "Ho Yinsen", who, also from the first movie, gave his life to allow Tony to escape from enemy captivity.
"Moosewater" mirrors the character "Raza", leader of the terrorist group that held Tony captive.
Samuel L. Jackson's depiction as Director of "S.H.I.E.L.D." is an obvious reference to the character he plays in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, "Nick Fury": Director of S.H.I.E.L.D (go to Wikipedia if you want to know the extended acronym of Marvel's S.H.I.E.L.D.). Also, his insulting and reprimanding of Kyle is a reference to his famous line in Snakes on a Plane. "I have had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane!"
Omega note: Sorry the first chapter was so long. I know for a fact it's mostly because of the South Park opening theme I emulated, but that's because I want you guys to feel as if you are actually "watching" South Park and not just, you know, reading it! Stick around for the exciting second part of IRONFAT!