Dear readers… enjoy. I have seen so many fics where A is a girl, A is a boy, A is no particular gender whatsoever, A never existed… that I feel compelled to inform you that in the Within These Walls timeline, of which this is a part, A is of the masculine gender.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I comfort myself with the reflection that there are thousands of others in the same dismal situation.
000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000
Apology
Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
Kimberly Johnson
I'm sorry, L. It might not mean much, coming from the ghost of someone you once knew, but I'm sorry. We all let you down, didn't we? All except those boys of yours. We let you down, and you deserve an apology, even if it is from beyond the grave, from one spirit to another.
I was never strong enough to follow you, and I wasn't strong enough to live with that knowledge - so I ended my life, never pausing to consider how much harm that action would cause, never thinking of what would happen to those left behind. I was blinded by my own troubles, my own sorrows - and what followed, every disaster and loss, can be laid squarely at my feet. No matter what B said in his own blind rage, you were never the selfish one. Nor was he - I was the one who was selfish, lost in my own agony and never placing my duty above it, as you did every day of your life.
B turned away from you as well, and I know how much pain that must have caused you, though I am equally sure that you hid as much of it as you possibly could. He was strong - stronger than I was, and I suppose that if I had thought of it at all, I would have hoped that he would hold fast where I had broken. It was his anger that was his undoing. Always so angry, our B was, lashing out at the world around him, always in search of something to blame for the pains he'd seen and felt in his life. He blamed you for my weakness, allowing his fury to cloud that brilliant mind of his, and he let his quest for revenge lead him into darkness.
Then that other boy, Raitou. He betrayed you as well, didn't he? I know you too well to think that you hadn't predicted it, expected it to some extent, but that means that I can also comprehend just how devastating a blow it was. The first one you had reached out to in a long time, I think - the first one you had begun to think of as a friend, even against your better judgment, and he repaid you with lies and death. He allowed his insane ambitions, his sheer arrogance to cloud whatever goodness had remained inside of him. He threw away his last chance for redemption when he killed you - it was a long, dark path from there to his own death.
I sometimes wonder, L, how you managed to go on carrying your burden when your personal life was so full of betrayal. Maybe I'll never understand - as I said, I'm not as strong as you are. Perhaps those three boys had something to do with it - I know of the bond between you. But at the darkest times, when everything seemed hopeless, there had to be something more to get you through. Why did you never give up the fight? What was it for you, L? Was it a sense of duty? A point of personal honour? Sheer stubbornness, a refusal to cave in? Someday maybe I'll work up the courage to ask you.
I'm sorry, Lawliet. God, I'm so sorry. We should have been there for you when you needed us. There's so much I regret, and the thing that I'm the most ashamed of is that it took me this long to find the strength to say two simple words. Forgive me.
000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000
I may as well make time here for a special plea - no, not for reviews, though that is coming. A has been dreadfully neglected - I've only seen a handful of fics featuring him, and in those he is mostly either dead, insane, dying, or a girl. Not saying that the last is in the same category, but I believe that the LABB Cases stated pretty clearly that he was a boy. And yes, he is dead in this oneshot, but the point is that I'm writing him as a live, reasonably sane person as well.
To any charitably inclined writers out there - we need more stories with A. Think it over.
And now I must ask for reviews. Please review - pretty please with L's sugar cubes on top.
- FairMaiden333