NOT EVEN A GOODBYE

Castle and Beckett were engaged for 5 monts now. He proposed on her birthday. It was just a small party with their family; yeah the boys and Lanie and Jenny already count as family.
Beckett already started planning the wedding. She never was this serious in a relationship. They want to marry next month on April 26th in their house in the Hamptons...

Kate woke up by an phone ringing. The side next to her was empty. Maybe Rick was already up making his wonderful and yummy smiley pancakes, but she didn't smell anything...she made her way into the kitchen but it was empty too. No sign of Castle. She took her phone, no number she knew but she accepted.

"Beckett"

"Hello miss. Is this Kate Beckett, Richard Castles fiancee there?"

"Um...yes...why? What's wrong? Who are you? Where is Rick?"

"I'm Jade Maphews from New York City Hospital. Mr. Castles nurse. I'm sorry to tell you that Mrs. Beckett, your fiancee died this morning. He came in after an Car accident last night and we did all we could do but his wounding was too serious. We had no chance. I'm sorry Mrs. Beckett.

"o-oh my god. A-are you serious?"
"sadly yes."
"thank you...for calling" Kate replied. Her skin was pale like she has seen an ghost. Her cheeks were already wet of the tears, which were streaming down her face.

Martha came down the stairs after she finished the call. She just saw Kate's back... "Good Morning, darling" she said, "I heard a phone and thought you were up. Do you have a new case? By the way where is Richard?"

Kate slowly turned around.
"Oh god darling, Is everything okay? Why are you crying? Come here. What's wrong?" Martha said pulling her into a hug.

"It's about Rick...the hospital called me...um Martha...Rick...um...they told me he died this morning. After he had...an...car accident last night." her voice broke with between her words.

"Oh-Oh darling...I. Oh god!" Martha replied.

"Oh gosh Martha...Rick is dead...i-i don't know what to do now. He was the first man I truly loved. I can't do this...ho-how am I able to move on?"

"You can move on. You have your family and your friends dear. We'll do this. Together."
"i don't think so...there um...i have something to tell you. You better sit down!" Martha nodded and sat down on one of the bar stools.

"I-um...I'm pregnant."

"Oh...oh god. Since when do you know?"

"Almost 2 weeks now..."

"and...did he know?"

"yes. I told him after I came back from the gynecologist."

Kate still cried. There was no way to stop. She looked down her watch. Almost 8am. She needed to go to work. She was about to leave the room when Martha asked: "Where are you going?"

"Work..." Kate quickly replied.

"Oh no. You're not going to work. NOT NOW! Call your Captain and explain the situation to her. She will understand!"

"Martha...I'm okay..."
"No you're not Kate. Your fiancee, my son, just died and you think you are able to do that, but you aren't. Please don't get that wrong you are a strong woman but it's not right to go to work today!"

New tears falling down her cheeks, `maybe Martha was right` she thought. After her Phone call with Gates she went back into tei- from now her bedroom...Gates gave her the whole week off. She never liked Castle that much but she was upset. Kate also told her to tell Esposito, Ryan and Lanie what happened... she won't be able to tell them by herself and she was at least a bit happy she had the week off. They had no real case and it would end in paperwork but Martha was right. It IS better to take that week off. The Love of her life, her always, just died this morning and she was still upset and a bit angry with herself. She looked at their bed. She'll never share it with someone again. She'd not be able to. Their bed still showed they had sex yesterday afternoon. Good sex!

She repeated the whole afternoon. After they had sex they decided on a family dinner and Castle left after Gina called. It was late evening and he drove with his car. It was a bit stormy and before he left he gave Kate and her belly a soft kiss. She remembered the sparkle in his eyes and his smile when she told him about the unborn. She remembered the kiss after she said YES. She remembered when she first met this ruggedly handsome man. She remembered when she started reading his books. She remembered their first kiss, the first time they had sex and the first time he made her breakfast. DAMN she already misses him. Kate started walking towards the bed, took a pillow and smelled on it. It still had the smell of his cologne. She loved the way he smelled, it made him even more sexy. She loved the way he smiled, the way he looked at her, the way he kissed, the way he tasted, the way he loved her and the way they made love. She started sobbing even more into the pillow when she realized she was wearing one of his t-shirts. She felt the life inside her fall apart...again. The wall she put down coming up again. The first time her world fell apart was the night her mother was stabbed. She remembered she scratched herself after he mother was dead. It was the only way to get over it. She stopped when she got the job as detective. Her life went better from there and then she found the man who helped her to put that fucking wall down. And this very man was gone now... she heard a scream from the living room. It was Alexis. Kate put the pillow back onto the bed and started running into the living room. She saw Alexis crying on the floor and Martha kneeing next to her. Kate kneed next to Martha putting her arms around the girl. Alexis now was crying into Kate's hair. Both were crying in each others hair. Kate pressed a shaky kiss on Alexis head.

"I WANT MY DAD BACK" Alexis nearly yelled because her voice was thin. By that Martha wrapped her arms around them. Tears falling down her cheeks.

This girl lost her father, her best friend and her laser tag partner. The person who made her happy when she was sad. The person who did all for his little girl. The person who was the last member of her family, next to Martha.

Alexis told Kate some months ago that her mother died, in her eyes, after she left them. `She is just the crazy aunt with the credit card and the movie rolls` she told her.

"I miss him too!" Kate whispered softly into Alexis hair. "we all miss him honey"

Kate felt the fabric of her/his t-shirt getting wet by Alexis tears.
"I know how you feel Alexis. I lost my mother in your age too. She was stabbed near our apartment."

She never told Alexis her mother was stabbed, she only knew her mother was dead.

"Will this ever get better, Kate?"

"yes, it will. Someday it will. I promise you sweetheart." she replied pressing a kiss on Alexis head.

"I'm so happy to have you and mo-Kate!" Alexis said turning her head to Martha.

"we both are happy to have you too kiddo!"
was she about to call Kate mom? Maybe she just had the false words, Kate thought

Kate didn't had much sleep that night. She mostly cried into her pillows. She missed that strong and sexy man next to her. She missed the arm around her waist when she slept. She missed all she lost by one car accident. With tears streaming down her face she went into the bathroom. She looked like hell, her hair was a mess, her make-up all over her face, her lips buzzing from the crying. She was a complete mess. Without thinking she took a pair of scissors from the counter and lead it over her wrist. She made a few more cuts until her left wrist was full of blood. She took a bit toilet paper and pressed it on her wrist. It hurts but she feels a bit better. Like she did more than 10 years again. She took a deep breath, turned off the light and went back to her bed. HER bed. It hurt much more than one of the cuts on her wrist. Damn she wanted to go back into the bathroom and feel the sharp scissor on her wrist again. Wanted to see the blood and feel the pain. But this time her mind was not asleep. It told her she is going to take the wrong way. She knew she took the wrong way, but it was the best to get over it. But she didn't went back to the bathroom. She laid down and cried herself to sleep.

The following days were all the same. Mostly crying in bed and scratching in the bathroom. She slept for like 10 hours in the last 5 days. Wow 5 days... She also didn't eat something. Just an apple and maybe a bowl of cereals and some glasses of water. She already lost much weight. After those 5 days locking herself her whole left wrist was full of cuts and some were already on the right one. It was hell!

2 weeks later Kate woke up at 6. today was the first day back at work since Castle...yeah since he was gone. She stood up and went into the closet. She was just wearing her underwear and looked at herself in the mirror. Her ribs and her hip bones were already showing. She looked a bit like a skeleton. Damn she lost a lot of weight. Her skin was still pale and she had black cycles underneath her eyes. Kate left her hand on her baby bump. It was already a bit showing. The baby was now 4 weeks old and the morning sickness hit her hard. Especially after she didn't eat much. IT WAS MORE THEN HELL! She took out a big black sweatshirt, black trousers and some black heels. When she was done she stepped out of the closet and unlocked the bedroom door and stepped out. Nobody was in the kitchen nor the living room. Kate took a little piece of paper and wrote: 'I'm work. X Kate'

When Kate stepped out the elevator in the precinct she took a deep and shaky breath until she wont to her Captains office.

Caption Gates greeted her with a nice an warm smile.
"Detective Beckett. Nice to see you back. I'm so sorry for your lost."

"Thanks sir" Kate replied looking down to the floor.

"Detective, I just want to say that you can go when you don't feel okay."
"thanks sir, but I'm fine."

"hm...if you think so. Well that was all for now. Go and say hello to the boys and lanie. They're already waiting."
"Yes sir" Kate said and stepped out of the room.

Ryan, Espo and Lanie greeted her with a warm and lovely hug. She hadn't talked to them for ages. After they chatted a bit Kate told them she needs a coffee and started walking towards the break room. When she looked down to her wrist she noticed that her sweater wasn't where it should be. It showed some of her cuts. She pulled the sweater back over her wrist and looked around. She tried to blink the tears away, but it didn't work they were falling down her cheek. The tears will never stop.

Without thinking she took a pair of scissors that laid on the table and went into the ladies bathroom. After she locked the door she slid down onto the floor. She was crying hard now. There was no way to stop. She was too broken. She made one cut, it didn't felt better. She made a second, still not getting better. After both of her wrists were full of blood she didn't feel better. She still was crying hard and she still tried to blink the tears away and she made one last cut. But this one hurt more then the others did. There was more blood. She took a bit toilet paper and pressed it onto her wrists. After she took a deep breath she unlocked the door and stepped out. Lanie was the last thing she saw until everything went black. Lanie. The boys started running towards them when they heard lanie. "What's wrong Lanie?" Ryan asked but when he saw Beckett on the floor he wished he didn't ask. Esposito already carried her up and tug her towards the break room couch. He felt every bone and it felt weird. He never thought she feels like that, especially after he has seen how much she can eat. Slowly he lifted up her shirt. He let out a shocked breath when he saw her ribs and her hip bones. She looked ill! This was definitely not normal. "Damn Lanie, tell Gates Kate collapsed." he looked at Lanie. "GO" he yelled at her.
"Bro? What's that?" Ryan asked looking at kates wrists.

"OH GOSH SHE-she is scratching herself."

Lanie and Gates entered the room.

"What is wrong with Detective Beckett?!" Gates asked.

"We're not sure. She collapsed and it looks like she scratches herself and is anorexic."
"well I already called 911 like Lanie told me. Is she awake?"

"No, but she's still breathing sir" Espo told her.

"That sounds good, for now"

30 minutes later Lanie was waiting in front of the surgery room. Gates and the boys stayed at the precinct. They had some work to finish but they told her to call when there are news. After 20 minutes of waiting the doctor to step out and tell her whats wrong.

"Are you here for Kate Beckett?" a man asked.

"Yes, I'm her friend. Are you the doctor?"
"is a member of her family here? I can't tell you medical confidentiality, you know?"
"damn I'm the last person she has here right now. Her mother died more then 10 years ago. Her father is not in the city and I already tried to call him but there is no way I can talk to him. And her fiancee died 2 weeks ago. So tell me what's wrong with her."

"Well okay miss. Miss Beckett is okay. Now. She is awake but she lost much blood and she hasn't eaten that much the past 2 weeks and it was all too much for her and the baby. She'll need a therapist for her scratching but I'm sure it'll be fine again."
"wait. Did you say baby?"
"Yes. Your friend is pregnant. 4th week."
"Um-can I see her?"

"sure." he said and opened the door.

Kate laid in her bed and looked at Lanie with sad and tired eyes. But she had a little smile on her face. At least she tried to smile.

"Girl, you shocked me! Why are you doing that?"
"I'm sorry Lanie." Kate said blinking her tears away.

"why the hell didn't you say anything? I could have helped you!"

"I don't know...it was just all too much for me. You know...The part with rick. Seeing Alexis and the...um..."
"baby" Lanie interrupted and Kate threw her a confused look. "I know you're pregnant. The doctor told me."

"Oh well...yeah here it is. I'm pregnant:"
"I'll help you. To get over this. But please just tell me when something is wrong."
"I will!" Kate said when Lanie pulled her into a hug.

They sat there talking for hours. And Lanie was right, she should have told her.!