Chapter 1

It was another typical day in the Tendo household. Genma was taking a well-deserved nap after an extremely strenuous walk to the fridge and back. Ranma was in the dojo practicing the Super Dragon Typhoon Ultra Explosive Mega Kick, a move he had made up while watching way too many Jet Li movies on cable. Kasumi was in the kitchen, watching helplessly as Akane tried a recipe from her new cookbook (Cooking with Unidentifiable Body Parts).

The stench had forced Nabiki out of her room, so instead she sat splayed out on the living room sofa, wondering what excuses she could make up for missing dinner. Soun was out on a cigarette run, and Nodoka was hanging freshly washed clothes on the clothesline out back.

Happosai was nowhere to be found (thankfully). This meant one of two things: he had died (not very likely), or he was on a panty raid (extremely likely).

All in all, a pretty normal day. However, what passes for "normal" at the Tendo dojo could still be pretty damn strange, as it's occupants were about to find out.

"Dinner!" Akane yelled. This innocent sentence, normally heard coming from Kasumi's mouth, usually sent the entire household rushing to the dinner table. This time, however, it sent them fleeing in terror. And with good reason…

"Oh my god oh my god OH MY GAWD!" Ranma screamed as he ran as fast as his nimble legs could carry him. Unfortunately, he collided with his father and tripped Nabiki, who were also attempting an escape. The entire group of them lay sprawled out in the hallway, too wounded to even move.

"I'm back!" yelled Soun as he came though the front entryway.

"Oh father, I'm so glad you're back. Akane just finished making dinner." Kasumi said.

"Y'know, I think I bought the wrong brand by mistake…" Soun replied as he turned 180 degrees around and tried to walk back through the still open door. Unfortunately, someone was blocking it. And that person was none other than-

"Akane!"

"Hello, daddy. Fleeing somewhere, perhaps?"

Soun laughed an extremely awkward and forced chuckle.

" Don't be silly, Akane. You know I live for your cooking. I just need to, uh, fumigate the uh, rain gutters", mumbled Soun as he tried to tiptoe his way around his youngest daughter. He stopped when he noticed she was holding a rolling pin. With a resigned sigh, he began making his way to the dining table.

The rest of the family was already there, although Akane wondered why Ranma, Genma, and Nabiki looked so beat up. Probably got into another fight over money, she figured.

With everyone in place they all focused their attention on the table, and the entire family's collective jaw went slack at the sight of the culinary monstrosities before them.

Everyone looked at Ranma, and, without saying a word, he knew he was going to be their guinea pig in this twisted experiment. He hesitantly picked up…something with his chopsticks and immediately screamed like a little girl and violently threw it back on the table.

Everyone else was puzzled for a few seconds before they noticed something very unusual about the "food" Ranma had almost sampled. It was moving. Not just jiggling, either– it was actually moving across the table.

"What…the hell..is… tha-th-that THING?!" Ranma screamed as he reverted to his primitive instincts and huddled into a ball for protection.

"That's strange," Akane said. "I used only vegetables from the garden in tonight's dinner."

"Akane-chan, we don't have any vegetables in our garden", Kasumi gently responded. "Just ornamental plants, like flowers."

"Anything moving?" Soun offered.

Ranma stared at the trail of slime the thing on the table was leaving behind. Suddenly it dawned on him. That thing was a slug. And not just a slug. A motherfrickin' pan-fried albino slug,,on the table! Akane must have dug it up and thrown it into the pot or blender or whatever she used with all the other stuff she'd dug up from their now-destroyed garden. There was probably earthworms and fertilizer and…

Ranma stood up to make a speech, and immediately sat back down, because he felt like he was going to throw up at the slightest provocation. He realized that no sacrifice would be worth eating this meal. Akane's food was usually bad, but tonight it was downright disgusting. He needed to gently and sensitively let Akane know that, even though he appreciated and respected her effort very much, he didn't want to eat the food. Keep in mind this is Ranma we're talking about. True to form, he did the exact opposite.

"Akane…"

"Yes?"

Ranma sighed heavily, put his arms on her shoulders, and looked her right in her crystal blue eyes.

"I would rather die than eat your cooking."

…

"WELL, THAT I CAN DO!", screamed Akane. She raised a hammer that had seemingly materialized out of nowhere over her head. Ranma, knowing what was coming, tried to cover his head with his hands, but it was too late.

CRASH!