Summary: The Blitzkrieg Boys try to explain to Kai how babies are made.
Enjoy and review!
Never Say the 'F' Word
"Give me the fucking remote"
Kai raised a brow but tossed the remote nonetheless, making sure it hit Brian's forehead with a pleasant sound.
"OW! Why the fuck did you do that!" The lilac haired blader glared at the youngest male on the team who didn't even bother replying but looked … bored … as usual. Brian preferred Kai's frowning over his emotionless-ness because then he knew Kai was thinking about something, now … he just looked … bored… plain bored.
"Hey nitwit" Tala flopped down on the sofa from behind "Gim'me the remote"
"No way in fucking hell!"
"Yea, yea, fuck, fuck, now just hand it over"
Kai shifted his position uncomfortably as Brian and Tala started exchanging insults and within a minute they had used the word 'fuck' over eighty-eight times. Eighty-nine now.
The door opened and Spencer and Ian walked in. "What's up? The apocalypse? What's with all the fucking?"
Ninety.
"The motherfucking son-of-a-bitch took the remot-"
"HALT!" Spencer raised his hand. "What'd I tell you guys? No cussing in-"
"I already know what it means moron" Spencer's little sister crept out from behind him and quickly climbed the stairs to retreat to her room. The blonde sighed and then turned to glare at his team, the majority of whom shrugged their shoulders in reply.
"Kids these days" Tala added as he folded his arms behind his head after tucking the remote safely under him. "Tch. You can never be sure where they learn these things from, but it's mostly bad company" Kai raised a brow and Spencer also seemed to mirror his thoughts as he face-palmed.
"So…" Kai started and everyone directed attention to him because this was the first time Kai had uttered a word ever since they crashed at Spencer's house, after destroying Kai's house of course "What does this word mean?" When question marks started floating visibly in the air the teen elaborated. "This word … 'fuck' … what does it really mean?" All heads whipped towards him, jaws dropped and eye balls nearly rolled but the question just refused to sink into their heads.
"Uh…" Ian gaped. "It's not that hard to guess, is it?"
Kai raised an eyebrow the umpteenth time. "You use it with nouns, verbs … each other. I mean, what is fucking potatoes supposed to mean anyway? And then sometimes you use it around three to four times in a sentence! Is that even permissible in grammar?"
Oh Kai, Kai, Kai.
His naïve-ness brought tears to his captain's eyes. "How old are you Kai? Nine?"
"Sixteen" The other corrected. That caused some strong reactions, like coughing fits, snorting and tripping over dust particles.
"And you don't know what fuck means…" Brian scratched his neck. As he got the look from his team mates he took it as a thumbs-up. "It means to have sex with"
Inner Kai: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The background cracked, crashed and shattered like glass, with audible sound too. His eye twitched irritably along with his lower lip side as inner –chibi- Kai grabbed his head and continued screaming whilst running around in circles.
Outer Kai: Boooored.
"So" Everyone crossed their fingers for the most dreaded question. "Obviously you're not referring to sex as 'gender', so, what does sex mean?"
Tala coughed into his fist. "Excuse me" he got up and proceeded to exit the room only to be stopped by Spencer who pushed him back on the sofa.
"You're the captain. You handle this!" It was true. If any sort of explanation was left to Brian he'd –unconsciously- scar the client! Ian just left people more confused than ever and Spencer only managed to look like a fish trying to suck air because despite being the team giant he was the most conservative.
"Okay…" Tala sat opposite Kai –on the table- "Do you know where babies come from?"
Kai scoffed. "What does this have to do with anything?" But the look that Tala gave him compelled him to answer "Yes, a mother"
"And do you know how a baby gets inside a mother?"
"It's made in there you dimwit!"
"Yea, yea" Tala scratched the back of his head wondering in which direction to take the conversation. "You know a baby is made but you don't know how it's made?"
"I'm not a zoology student. I don't need to know that"
"GWAH! Just tell him flat out!" Brian said impatiently. "Sex makes babies"
Kai's face said 'booooored' but his insides were going WTF man! His lack of displaying emotions often mislead his team mates, as in this case. "Don't worry, guys can't have babies!" Ian was quick to add, which led to many disturbing expressions crossing every ones face. "Unless they have ovaries…" More disturbing thoughts. "Which they don't!"
"Okay Ian, just shut up"
"What does this have to do with fuck?" Kai narrowed his eyes.
"Just google it! Check it out on every site you can get your hands on!" Brian proposed.
"NO!" Spencer boomed. "What if they have graphic pictures and videos? He's not even eighteen yet!" Tala slapped his forehead. Headache. Major headache coming soon. He tried to recall back to how he had learned about this topic. His brain instantly pulled the brakes when it registered Brian's face in the memory, and any place that had Brian was an unpleasant memory.
"I'll just explain the basic … thing" Tala said as he wondered how to start this educational lesson. Seriously, how could a teen survive without knowing what sex meant? People like Kai were supposed to be non-existent in today's world! "Okay so … have you ever watched the Discovery Channel?"
That was a very stupid question. It was like saying 'How great is the weather, no?' to your girlfriend when you're both stranded during a summer mid-day. Everyone that had spent five minutes with Kai and the T.V set knew that Kai only watched shows related to mechanics, quizzes or sports. The second you tuned to a biological channel he fell asleep right than and there with his head-set blasting music to block out the horrid documentaries. So the answer was a flat
"No"
"You're taking too much time with such a tini-mini subject" Brian pretty much shoved Tala off the table and sat in front of the duel haired teen. "Kai my man, when I pass down my knowledge to you, you will be reborn!" He exclaimed. "The first and most important thing is a willing female, that's why kids mostly come from married people you know. Anyway, after you find her you go straight to the bedroom or any place will do but bedrooms are good for starters, then strip dow-"
"Dude, I don't think he's looking for a lay" Ian sat himself on the arm of Kai's sofa immediately after which the taller teen pushed him off.
"Beside, people shouldn't use their genitals like animals in an open field!" Spencer protested.
"Are you giving your friend a lesson about birds and bees?" A sweet feminine voice cooed from upstairs and they all looked up to see a grinning blonde.
"Go back to your room!" Spencer barked and the girl whined about 'stupid big brothers' as she followed his order and stomped on her way up. "Let's just get this over with quickly" A door slammed which indicated that his sister was going to be moody for the rest of the day.
"Listen Kai, it's not much of a big deal, I kind'ov had a shock and couldn't drink shakes for months after that but I got over it-"
"You start looking at things from a whole new perspective after this you know. You never look at women the same way again, the boobs, thighs-"
"There's no loss for you, but it gets really painful if you're turned on and you don't have an outlet but it'll be hellbent painful if you're gay 'cause you can become the uke-"
"It's a responsibility and you have to very careful and gentle-"
A genius isn't needed to find out which of his teammates said what.
After everyone gave his own perspective about this educational topic, everyone started on the topic at once with Brian making especially strange gestures with his hands and wriggling fingers.
When the explanations came to an end the look on Kai's face said it all and the boys proudly patted each other's back for making another person mature.
"So, men and women have this thing" His team mates eagerly nodded. "And monkeys and chimpanzees aren't affected by AIDS" All questioning eyes directed to Ian. "And you need condoms or else you might sterile someone" Uh… "And you can have babies without getting married… and minor sex is considered rape … because a man has to wait for nine months" His face twisted into an uncomfortable expression as he muttered something under his breath. Only when the Hiwatari started revising what they had told him did they realize that he had gotten the absolute wrong idea. "This is all so sick and twisted. God is so cruel"
…
Even though they tried to clear up everything that they'd messed up, the teen wouldn't hear. He'd heard enough for a good thirty life times.
…
By the end of the conversation …
… Kai had been scarred.
The 'F' word was never brought up again.
End
A sequel to Face paint or Tattoos?
XD