The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has sailed off into the great unknown. Like my tiny little brain. This story references another story Rave On Figgis Agency. Join the gang for some madcap summer madness on the…
Ship Of Tunts
"No change at the hospital," Lana reported as she arrived at the Figgis Agency. Pam, Ray, Cyril and Krieger were sitting around reading magazines or working on their respective laptops. "And no change here apparently."
"How's Ms. Archer doing?" Pam asked as she looked up from her laptop.
"Not good at all," Lana sighed. "I think Woodhouse's funeral was even more of a blow to her than she thought it would be. And with Archer still in a coma…"
"She hasn't been at work for a long time," Cyril added. "It's been quite pleasant actually."
"It has, hasn't it?" Ray asked. "I know for a fact the alcohol has lasted longer."
"Cuts down on costs," Cyril nodded.
"I've never seen Mallory like this," Lana admitted.
"I'm happy not seeing her at all," Ray shrugged.
"Me too," Cyril nodded. "Unfortunately, I haven't seen any clients lately so…"
"Hey guys! Guess what happened to me?" Cheryl asked as she walked in.
Ray looked at her dryly. "You finally figured out fractions?"
"No, I'm still puzzled by that but they're not important so no big loss," Cheryl waved. "This is way more important! Remember my cousin Celestina?"
"The woman whose house we broke into to hold an unauthorized pot party," Lana sighed. "And then she kicked us out and had a pot party of her own?"
"But she had no idea it was a pot party," Ray added. "And then died when she got so high she jumped off the roof."
"Onto a statue," Cyril added. "With a metal trident in its hand."
"That's her," Cheryl nodded. "Apparently I was in the will. Her lawyer just contacted me. Her funeral was a few weeks ago so…"
"You didn't go to your cousin's funeral?" Pam asked.
"She didn't even go to her parents' funeral," Ray pointed out.
"Best thing about dead parents is that they can't tell you what to do anymore," Cheryl grinned. "For me it's a life after death situation. Now that they're dead, I have a life."
"You won't for much longer if you keep on with those glue and groovy bear binges," Ray pointed out.
"Any-Who…" Cheryl waved. "Get this! The bitch left me her yacht! The Tunt Of The Sea! Whoo hoo! Sea cruise bitches!"
"Why would she give you a yacht?" Lana asked. "Didn't she hate you?"
"Not as much as she hated the rest of her family," Cheryl shrugged. "Anyway, I was thinking…"
"That's a first," Pam quipped.
Cheryl went on. "You know Krieger's wines? How we were smuggling them into Mexico? You can use my yacht to smuggle more of his wines into Mexico!"
"Hang on," Lana blinked. "Chery why do you want to help Krieger smuggle his wines on your yacht?"
"Two reasons," Cheryl said. "One, it's a way to make money without Ms. Archer around. And putting one over on her while enjoying my yacht will make me happy."
"And the other?" Cyril asked.
"I get to drink some of that wine on my yacht without Ms. Archer horning in on it," Cheryl said. "Again, any time…"
"I get the picture," Cyril sighed.
Cheryl added. "It's part of my New Year's Resolution to get loaded in new and exciting places."
"New Year's was several months ago," Ray said.
"Yeah I know I just found that out this morning," Cheryl waved.
"How would you not…?" Ray began. "Never mind. Not important."
"Keep our sanity is more important," Pam agreed. "But she does have a point."
"About keeping New Year's Resolutions?" Krieger blinked.
"About smuggling your wine into Mexico," Pam looked at him. "Clueless Kraut-En-Stein."
"I thought we agreed not to do that again," Lana frowned.
"We agreed to wait before doing it again," Pam pointed out. "We've waited. Let's try it again!"
"If at first you don't succeed," Cyril groaned. "Fail, fail again!"
"Hey it's better than running through the dessert like a damn cyborg pack mule," Ray told him. "I'm in."
"Hang on I haven't said I'd do it," Krieger pointed out. "I need to think about it. I've thought about it. I'll do it!"
"I know deep in my heart this is a bad idea that might get me killed," Cyril sighed. "But honestly I have nothing better planned. And I do want to drink on a yacht. I'm in."
"I think I'll pass," Lana said. "Someone needs to stay here at the office. In case we actually do get a client. Or someone needs bail money…"
"That's usually a sensible idea with this group," Ray nodded.
The next day at sea…
"Oooh eeee! Oooh eeee baby! Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise?" Pam and Krieger sang along with a radio as they sat on lounge chairs on the deck of the Tunt of the Sea. They were dressed in nice clothes and eating a gourmet meal with caviar, lobster, and of course bearclaws.
"I tell ya," Pam grinned as she ate a lobster tail with her bare hands. "Good thing we went with the real lobster this time instead of that soy crap! Nothing beats real lobster and caviar in the sea air.
"I get that Yacht Rock station now," Krieger smiled as he drank some champagne. "I really get the Yacht Rock station now."
"Yes," Cyril sighed. He was also dressed in nice clothes and sitting on a lounge chair. "I wonder if they play that station in prison?"
"Chill out Captain Crook!" Pam said. "We're on a freaking yacht! Sailing on the high seas, drinking champagne and eating good grub!"
"And smuggling illegal wine," Cyril groaned. "And illegal drug infused candy!"
"Well it's not all my candy," Krieger sniffed. "This time."
Meanwhile on the bridge…
"Sea Cruise! Sea Cruise!" Both Ray and Cecil Tunt sang as they piloted the yacht. Both were wearing identical yachting outfits. Blue coats, white shirts, white pants with white leather shoes, ascots and sea captain hats.
Tiffy and Cheryl were looking at them both. Tiffy sighed. "Ever feel like you're Ginger in a room full of Mr. Howells?"
"You wish you were Ginger," Cheryl said. "You're not even Gilligan."
"Excuse me?" Tiffy glared at Cheryl.
"You're more like one of those cannibals or monkeys that showed up from time to time to annoy everyone on the island," Cheryl went on.
"CECIL!" Tiffy shouted.
"Oh boy…" Cecil sighed.
"Why the hell did we contact your crazy bitch of a sister?" Tiffy asked.
"Because she's the one who inherited the yacht," Cecil blinked.
"We could have bought a yacht for less trouble!" Tiffy snapped.
"Yeah do that," Cheryl snorted. "Go broke again. That'll be hilarious!"
"The only reason I'm even tolerating your presence is to transport our candy to Mexico!" Tiffy snapped.
"Hang on," Ray did a double take. "You guys have pot infused candy too?"
"It's medicinal!" Cecil explained.
"Suuuuuuurrre it is," Cheryl laughed.
"No, it really is," Cecil said. "I'm transporting to the Tunt Cancer and Other Bad Diseases People Get Clinic on my private island."
"You have a clinic on an island in Mexico?" Ray asked. "How many patients have you had?"
"Uh counting me?" Cecil asked.
"Yes," Ray said without irony.
"Two and a half," Cecil said.
"Two and a Half Men?" Ray asked.
"No. One was a woman," Cecil said.
"It was me," Tiffy groaned.
"I thought you were the half," Cheryl quipped. "What disease did you have? Oh wait, you are the disease!"
"You're gonna get Fist In Mouth Disease if you don't watch it!" Tiffy made a fist.
"Oh, I'm so scared," Cheryl scoffed. "Not! I totally kicked your ass the last time."
"I was flying the helicopter and trying not to crash!" Tiffy snapped.
"Blah, blah, blah…" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Excuses, excuses, excuses…"
"You want to go round in a fair fight bitch, just come at me!" Tiffy snapped.
"Bring it!" Cheryl snapped.
"NO!" Both Ray and Cecil snapped at the same time.
"Tiffy, you promised!" Cecil snapped.
"Cheryl…" Ray paused. "I know you didn't promise."
"Damn right," Cheryl snorted.
"But if you behave yourself…" Ray paused. "And this trip ends well…I'll choke you with my robot hand."
"OOHHH!" Cheryl giggled with glee.
"You'll what?" Tiffy did a doublet take.
"Don't ask," Both Ray and Cecil said at the same time.
"She's still into that huh?" Cecil sighed.
"And how," Ray sighed. "Of course, there's always a chance that my hand is too strong for her and it will break her neck."
"That's a risk I'm willing to take," Cheryl spoke up.
"Me too," Tiffy grinned.
"I have to know," Cheryl said. "What disease did you have? I know it's too much to hope for that Tiffy got something fatal!"
"Sunburns," Cecil said.
"Sunburns?" Cheryl looked at him.
"Sunburns can cause cancer so…" Cecil began.
"Who was the half?" Ray asked. "I ask knowing the answer will be completely insane…"
"Mr. Pibbles," Cecil explained. "My teddy bear."
"I was right," Ray groaned.
"You still have that stupid thing?" Cheryl snapped. "Hang on, didn't I burn it?"
"Only half of it!" Cecil snapped. "I was able to have him stitched back together in a doll hospital which I bought. Unfortunately, I couldn't get all his fur back on. That's why he got a little bit of a sunburn…"
"Cecil as I have told you eight times," Tiffy groaned. "Teddy bears can't get sunburned!"
"They can if they don't have enough fur on!" Cecil snapped.
"You burned Cecil's childhood teddy bear?" Ray asked Cheryl.
"Well not that particular bear," Cheryl explained. "He won it at a fair when he was in college so…"
"I can bear-ly take much more of this," Tiffy rolled her eyes.
"Tiffy why don't you and Cheryl go relax on deck?" Cecil suggested.
"Good idea," Tiffy glared at Cheryl. "Maybe I'll shove her into the ocean?"
"Maybe a shark will jump up and eat you?" Cheryl shot back.
"Okay love you…" Cecil waved. The women glared at him and left. "Ugh women! Am I right?"
"I'm so glad I'm gay," Ray waved.
"I'm happy too!" Cecil said. "I wouldn't say gay happy. More of a contented semi bliss."
"Oh boy…" Ray rolled his eyes. "I don't believe this."
Meanwhile on deck…
"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" Tiffy screamed when she saw the others eating.
"What?" Pam said in between bites of crab legs. "There's still plenty to eat."
"What are you eating?" Tiffy looked around. "Real lobster? Real crab legs? Caviar? This is…This is…!"
"Real food, thank God!" Pam gulped her crab leg down.
"IT'S MURDER!" Tiffy screamed.
"Technically no," Krieger shrugged. "We didn't kill these animals. We're just eating their corpses."
"So legally I guess it would be destroying evidence?" Cyril thought aloud. "Since they're not people it's not really a serious offence. I mean it's not like we're practicing cannibalism."
"Interesting fact," Krieger spoke up. "Lobsters are cannibals. They have been known to eat each other. Several interesting videos have been recorded about this too."
"So, we're eating the Hannibal Lecter of the sea?" Pam asked. "That means there's no reason to feel guilty."
"YOU SHOULD BECAUSE LOBSTERS AND CRABS ARE LIVING CREATURES!" Tiffy shouted.
"So are we," Pam said. "And if you want to keep on living you might want to tone it down, Banshee."
"What happened to the soy substitutes?" Tiffy shouted.
"I threw them overboard," Cheryl said casually. "And switched them with the good stuff!"
"WHAT?" Tiffy shouted. "YOU BROUGHT REAL SEAFOOD?"
"Of course, I brought real seafood!" Cheryl snapped. "You know Pam is allergic to soy! And as funny as it would be to see her face turn red and swollen like a baboon's ass I don't want Pam to die! She's my best friend! Who else would commit arson with me?"
"Awww," Pam said.
"And she's really good at sex," Cheryl added. "Especially choke sex."
"Ewwww…" Tiffy and Cyril groaned.
"Plus, I knew it would piss you off," Cheryl smirked at Tiffy.
"Wouldn't it have been easier just to tell her not to eat the soy substitute?" Tiffy pointed at Pam.
"Yeah like that would have worked!" Pam laughed.
"I remember now," Cyril sighed. "It wouldn't."
"And again, it also pisses you off," Cheryl picked up a dead lobster. "Hello Lobster! Want to be lunch?"
"You wouldn't dare!" Tiffy hissed.
"You know it's already dead right?" Cyril asked Tiffy.
"Yes, Cheryl I want to be lunch!" Cheryl said in a funny voice. "I want to get digested in your tummy!"
"No lobster has ever said that!" Tiffy shouted.
"Because they can't talk," Cyril added. "Especially that one since it's already dead so…"
Cheryl broke off a claw. Tiffy lost it. "MURDERER!" She tackled Cheryl.
"BRING IT BITCH!" Cheryl started to fight back.
Cyril looked at the others. "I explained the lobster was dead right?"
"You were rather clear about that," Pam agreed.
"No fault on your end," Krieger agreed.
"DIE! DIE! YOU DIE!" Cheryl and Tiffy fought each other. Viciously ripping at each other's clothes.
"It's like a scene out of Dynasty," Pam remarked.
Tiffy kicked Cheryl back. Cheryl fell backwards. She then saw a box nearby and opened it. "AH HA!" She pulled out a gun of some kind and aimed it at Tiffy. "Say goodbye Tiffy!"
"CHERYL NO!" Cyril shouted.
Pam was on it and pulled Cheryl's arms so that the gun was pointing upwards. "You crazy glue sniffing…"
BOOOM!
"Oh, it's a flare gun," Cyril blinked.
"That's one nice flare," Pam said as she saw the flare burst overhead.
"YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Tiffy screamed. "YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!"
"I know," Cheryl said as Pam took the flare gun away. "My aim was really off."
"YOU'RE HEAD IS GOING TO BE OFF!" Tiffy screamed as she tackled Cheryl.
"Here they go again," Pam groaned as the two women fought.
"What's going on?" Ray shouted as he and Cecil ran up to them.
"We heard and saw a flare gun!" Cecil said. "Does anyone need assistance?"
"Well I could use more champagne," Pam remarked. "Maybe some daiquiris…?"
"YOUR BITCH SISTER IS GOING TO NEED A HOSPITAL!" Tiffy screamed as she and Cheryl fought.
"This is Thanksgiving all over again," Cecil sighed. "All that's missing is a loose goose. And a dead butler."
"Cheryl! No!" Ray snapped. "Remember what I said? You do this, you won't get choked!"
"I want this more," Cheryl snapped as she fought Tiffy.
"YOU WANT TO BE CHOKED?" Tiffy grabbed Cheryl's neck. "DIE YOU LITTLE…"
"Okay that's enough!" Pam said. She pulled the two apart with help from Ray and Krieger.
"Be careful!" Cecil called out. "She bites!"
"I know Cheryl bites! But…OW!" Pam snapped as Tiffy bit her on the hand. "You bitch!"
"I was talking about Tiffy," Cecil said. "Oh, right Cheryl does that too. I should have been clearer."
"You stuck up little…" Pam punched Tiffy on the nose and she fell down.
"OWWW!" Tiffy wailed.
"That'll teach you to not be a biter!" Pam snapped.
"Ha! HA!" Cheryl laughed and pointed. "Pam punched you on the nose."
"It's not funny!" Tiffy shouted, she had a small nosebleed.
"Then don't bite me!" Pam snapped.
"I got the message!" Tiffy shouted as she pulled out a handkerchief from a pocket and pressed it to her face.
"You two alley cats need to watch it," Ray snapped. "Or else I'll turn the hose on you!"
"Ooh!" Cheryl giggled. "Phrasing!"
"He means he'll spray you with water," Cyril snapped. "Not his…Oh never mind!"
"Cecil this was a huge mistake!" Tiffy snarled as Cecil helped her up. "I can't believe you talked me into sailing with these lunatics! Especially after what happened last time!"
"Well at least this time I wasn't shot," Cecil groaned.
"The day is still young Cecil," Ray groaned. "Don't tempt fate."
"Hang on!" Cyril realized something. "If you two are here, who's piloting the ship?"
"Chill out," Ray waved.
"We have it on cruise control," Cecil remarked.
CLUNK!
"Way to go Captains Crunch and Munch!" Pam shouted as the yacht jolted to a halt.
"More like Captains Duff and Dumber!" Tiffy groaned.
"That one is better," Pam admitted.
"Oops," Cecil blinked.
"Dukes…" Ray winced. "Hang on, what did we hit? I don't see anything."
"Great piloting Ray," Cyril said. "Very stellar."
"No, he's right," Krieger looked around. "I don't see anything around us we could have hit. I'm going to go check the engine." He went below deck.
"Well we must have hit something!" Pam snapped. "We've stopped in the middle of the damn ocean!"
"What could we hit in the middle of the ocean?" Cecil snapped. "Bikini Bottom?"
"Well there must be some reason we're not moving!" Cyril snapped.
"I go give Krieger a hand," Ray said as he went below deck.
"Yeah because you've been soooo helpful," Tiffy mocked.
"You know…?" Ray glared at her before he left.
"Cecil was piloting the stupid boat too," Cheryl pointed out. "It's more likely he did something!"
"I didn't do anything," Cecil protested.
"Including putting gas in the engine?" Cheryl folded her arms.
Cecil paused. "Damn it!"
"So, this is your fault?" Tiffy shouted.
"No, I remember Krieger saying he put gas in the engine before we left," Cyril spoke up.
"I told you I didn't do anything," Cecil said.
"Story of your life," Cheryl quipped.
"You know…?" Cecil looked at her.
"That you never did anything," Cheryl giggled.
"And what have you done that's so great?" Tiffy shouted. "Besides ingest an unbelievable amount of drugs and survived?"
"You'd be surprised," Pam quipped.
"At least Cecil has helped people!" Tiffy shouted. "Poor people! Sick people! Scientists!"
"African warlords…" Cheryl added.
"Not on purpose!" Cecil snapped. "Those laptops were for the child soldiers of those warlords! And yes, I know now that was a huge mistake! But not all the people I helped were bad guys!"
"Quite a few of them were bad guys," Cheryl added. "Including some of those lawyers and accountants that were skimming money from you!"
Tiffy snapped. "What do you know about helping? The only person you ever helped was yourself!"
"I've done things with my life!" Cheryl snapped. "I went to outer space, was the first lady of San Marcos and traveled inside a scientist's body. Okay the scientist died. Also, my dictator husband of San Marcos but still…"
"Wow," Tiffy folded her arms. "You really are delusional."
"Actually…" Cyril began. "Never mind. Not important."
"Cheryl was a huge country music star!" Pam pointed out. "Her album went platinum!"
"You had a successful singing career?" Cecil blinked.
"Apparently," Cheryl shrugged.
"Oh, come on!" Pam said. "You guys have heard of Cherlene right?"
"Who?" Cecil and Tiffy blinked.
"Cherlene," Cyril explained. "Won the Rising Star Country Music Award. Before she burned down the theater? Then burned the host and set of Good Morning Country? Had some huge hits with the songs Midnight Blues and Baby Please Don't Go?"
"Uhhhh…." Tiffy and Cecil looked at each other.
"Think back," Pam said. "Three or four years ago. You never heard of Cherlene? She was huge for a whole year!"
"Are you talking about the dinosaur Sally Struthers played?" Cecil asked. "On that puppet show…Which I forget the name of."
"Cherlene the singer!" Pam explained.
"She sang Straight to Hell and I'll Burn It Down?" Cyril suggested.
"To be fair those songs do sound like me," Cheryl added.
"I'd like to take your word for it…" Cecil shrugged.
"Yeah even I have a hard time believing it," Cheryl admitted.
"That's because you had so many groovy bears and glue you blacked out," Pam said. "And possibly you have a split personality disorder."
"Seriously I would not be surprised if she ended up with some kind of Sybil complex in the future," Cyril sighed.
"What's wrong with that?" Cheryl asked. "I like Cybil Shepherd. She's a great actress."
"You seriously never heard of Cherlene?" Pam asked.
"I don't follow popular music that much," Cecil admitted. "You said Cheryl was a country music star?"
"Yes," Cyril and Pam said.
"Which country?" Cecil asked.
"The United States of America!" Pam shouted. "Which do you think?"
"Oh, we weren't there four years ago," Cecil realized.
"Where were you?" Pam asked. "In a cave?"
"Pretty much, yes," Cecil said. "See there were these marvelous caverns in Australia we were spelunking in and…"
"That explains it," Cheryl nodded. "Wait where was I when this happened?"
"Where you always are!" Cyril snapped. "Fantasy Land!"
"Okay we found the problem," Krieger called out.
"So what did we hit?" Cyril asked as Ray and Krieger walked up to them.
"We didn't hit anything," Ray told them. "The engine just gave out!"
"I just got a good look at the engine," Krieger said. "To put it in simple terms…"
"For simple people," Tiffy grumbled.
"The engine is basically the equivalent of a broken clock held together by rubber bands," Krieger added. "By the way does anyone have any rubber bands? Because the ones that were holding up the engine are all broken."
"In other words," Cyril groaned. "The engine is just a big pile of metal garbage?"
"Pretty much," Krieger nodded.
"So, we're stranded out at sea?" Tiffy yelled.
"Actually, it's not that so much as the fact that there's a hole in the boat," Krieger added. "Which was patched together by cardboard and duct tape."
"I thought the ocean was getting closer," Pam looked over the railing. "I thought it was just high tide."
"In the middle of the ocean?" Tiffy shouted.
"The ocean has high tide all over the world!" Pam snapped. "Who do I look like? Matthew Fontaine?"
"WE'RE SINKING?" Cyril shouted.
Just then a fountain of water spouted out from the middle of the deck. "It would appear so, yes," Krieger nodded.
"This does not bode well," Cecil blinked.
"YOU THINK?" Tiffy shouted.
"Cheryl, I think I just figured out why your cousin gave you the yacht," Ray groaned.
"Yeah that makes sense now," Pam blinked at the water splattering all over the deck.
"That reminds me," Cecil blinked. "I need to check the breaks of that Corvette she gave me. I don't want to end up in another car crash!"
"This happens more often than you think," Cheryl sighed. "Now that I think about it, this stuff happens all the time."
"It does?" Pam did a double take.
"I learned that the hard way when I discovered Cecil and Cheryl's mother gave me an RV in her will," Tiffy groaned. "Its breaks were cut too. Fortunately, it was also out of gas so…"
"Now that I think about it," Cecil realized. "A lot of members of my family have died because of faulty vehicles, houses and objects willed to them by other relatives."
"You don't say?" Ray sighed.
"There was Uncle Tobias Timothy Tunt who willed a peanut farm to my cousin Clayton Caribou Tunt. And Cousin Clayton was deathly allergic to peanuts. And when Cousin Clayton died he willed his favorite car to his sister Carolina Tunt-Smythe and its breaks were cut."
"I said you don't have to say!" Ray snapped. "Hang on, your cousin Clayton actually worked on the peanut farm?"
"Oh, he didn't die because of his peanut allergy," Cecil explained. "He died in an elephant stampede."
"Really?" Ray blinked.
"The elephant stampede wasn't on the peanut farm, mind you," Cecil went on. "Actually, that whole thing about elephants eating peanuts is a myth."
"Then why did he die in an elephant stampede?" Cyril asked.
"Because he wasn't looking where he was going when he was running away from the lions," Cecil explained.
"He was running from lions when…?" Ray did a double take.
"Serves him right for hunting animals on safari," Tiffy sniffed.
"It wasn't a safari," Cecil said. "It was a Tunt Family Reunion at the Tunt Ranch in Texas. See my Uncle Cameron Elvis Tunt liked to collect exotic animals. And somebody thought it would be funny to let all of them out of their cages!"
Everyone looked at Cheryl. "Oh, like I was the only one doing that!" Cheryl scoffed.
"You're the one who let the lions out of their cage!" Cecil snapped.
"No, I didn't," Cheryl said innocently.
"Yes, you did!" Cecil shouted. "I saw you do it!"
"Oh yeah I did," Cheryl laughed. "But I didn't let the elephants out! That was Chole!"
"Can't this damn ship sink any faster?" Cyril moaned.
"You're the one who spilled blood all over Clayton!" Cecil snapped.
"That was a mistake!" Cheryl snapped. "I was trying to get blood on Chole! Or Celestina. Or pretty much any of the women in our family. Besides, Clayton shouldn't have been hiding in that shower in the first place!"
"Here's the plan," Ray said to the others. "We jump into the lifeboat. Leave the Tunts behind and hope the sharks eat them."
"What did the sharks ever do to deserve that?" Tiffy asked.
"Good point," Ray sighed.
"Hang on!" Cyril pointed. "I see a ship over there! It looks like a Coast Guard ship!"
"Mexico has a Coast Guard?" Cecil blinked.
"Technically we're still off the coast of California so that's an American Coast Guard ship," Krieger realized.
"Who cares?" Tiffy said. "We're saved!"
"One problem," Ray realized. "This ship is also carrying contraband. What do you think is going to happen when they search this vessel?"
"Uh oh," Pam blinked. "We're doomed!"
"I knew this was a bad idea!" Cyril groaned.
"I have a plan," Krieger said.
"Oh good," Cyril groaned. "Just what we need. Another plan."
Later that evening back at the Figgis Agency…
"So, the yacht was defective and it sank?" Lana was stunned. The others were telling her what happened that day back in the bullpen.
"I would say along with my hopes and dreams," Cyril sighed. "But who am I kidding? Those were long gone before the Cruise of the Damned."
"We were lucky a Coast Guard ship was nearby," Pam said. "And even luckier they saw Cheryl's flare."
"I'm guessing not so lucky when they discovered you were carrying contraband and were arrested?" Lana asked.
"Oh, we weren't arrested," Ray said. "Krieger and I dumped all the wine and candy overboard at the last second so they had no idea we were smuggling anything."
"You dumped Krieger Valley wine and drug infused candy into the ocean?" Lana gasped.
"Some of that candy was Cecil and Tiffy's," Krieger corrected. "Why do people always forget that part?"
"Well that explains this," Lana pointed to the monitor and turned it on.
Reporter Darlene Love was shown. "Scientists are baffled at the behavior of several species of fish and wildlife off the coast of California down to the coast of upper Mexico. Fishermen have reported several schools of fish swimming around and around for no reason. And then without warning jumping up and attacking people on the boat."
"Did you tape this or something?" Pam asked as images of fishermen getting attacked by fish were shown.
"It's one of those on demand things," Lana explained as one large fish slapped a fisherman in the face with it's tail.
"Stranger still are the behaviors of these seals," Darlene's voice was over the images of seals swarming all over a beach where beachgoers were sunbathing. "A large pod of seals invaded the shore at Laguna Beach. Another pod invaded the Laguna Beach Yacht Club…"
There were seals all over a dock. Some were on boats. "Loose seal!" A man screamed as he ran from a seal wearing a yellow bowtie. "Loose seal!"
"How did you know this was tied to us?" Pam asked Lana.
"Had a hunch," Lana sighed as a stoned seal flopped around on an outdoor deck.
"We have now gotten reports that flocks of seagulls and pelicans are flying wildly and erratically all over the coastline," Darlene was shown again. "Two airports had to be temporarily shut down due to flocks of birds all over the runways and planes."
"WAK! WAK! WAK!" Several seagulls were dancing around on top of a large plane and on its wings.
"If I didn't know better," A fisherman being interviewed remarked. "I'd say all these creatures were drunk and stoned."
"How strong is your candy and wine?" Cheryl asked.
"Pretty strong," Krieger said. "Just ask your Cousin Celestina."
"Ohh, right," Cheryl remembered.
"So…We poisoned an entire ecosystem," Cyril sighed as Lana turned the monitor off.
"Technically we did that before when we blew up Sea Lab," Ray told him. "We're two for two…"
"We really should learn not to get involved with Tunts should we?" Cyril sighed.
"Yuuuup," Lana sighed.