"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward."
Letting Go and Moving On
Bond/Mallory
…
The smell of smoke, gunpowder…the tense throbbing in his arm as he threw the knife in to Silva's back. M….he was kidding himself believing that they could actually have made it through in one piece, seeing the way she held herself as he'd approached her, the way she fell as he rushed to catch her in his arms, the fear on her face as she died in his arms…M….his M.
James sat up rigid, sweat covering his body as he calmed his breathing down, looking around at his surroundings to see he was in his bedroom. He looked at his hands to see them shaking, closing his eyes briefly to put his nightmare to the back of his mind. His head shot to the right as a loud bang on his front door echoed through his sparse flat, he quickly retrieved his gun from the drawer beside his bed and crept slowly to the door, he took a deep breath before he opened it, gun at the ready as he came face to face with his late night visitor.
"Mallory?"
"Bond…do put that gun away, I don't plan on getting shot again any day soon."
James put his gun on the table by the door as Mallory eyed him closely, he could see the fine sheet of sweat that covered James face and upper body, he gave a small cough when he realised he was paying too much attention to James torso.
"Are you going to invite me in?"
"Of course Sir."
James stepped aside as Mallory moved inside, waiting for James to close the door before he followed the younger man through to the front room.
"Drink?"
"Scotch if you have one."
"Of course."
James poured the drinks and handed one to Mallory before taking a seat on the chair while Mallory sat on the right side of the couch, closer to James.
"So…was there a reason you stopped by Sir?"
James tone didn't go unnoticed as Mallory too a large gulp of his Scotch before setting the glass on the table.
"I came by because…well, it's been nearly 3 months now."
"Your point being?"
"Don't you think it's time you got back to work, I've been lenient with you considering the circumstances? I've covered for you with the PM, but I can't keep doing it forever. MI6 doesn't stop functioning because…"
"Because the Head of MI6 died?" James stated, his voice becoming louder.
"Look, I know she meant a great deal to you but…"
"She was like a mother to me, I'd have done anything for her…the one time she really needed me and I let her down."
James ran a hand over his face before finishing off his drink and getting up to pour another.
"Another drink Sir?"
"Not for me…Have you been sleeping?"
"I don't sleep; my mind has this capability of being dark."
"You're afraid of your dreams?"
"Are you asking me or telling me Sir?"
"Stop with the Sir for a moment would you and answer the question."
"They're not dreams…but nightmares."
"About M?"
"I couldn't save her, if I'd known she was hurt then maybe I…"
…
Mallory got up and took a seat on the edge of the table in front of James, his hands resting on his legs as he leaned down to face James.
"You can't keep torturing yourself with what ifs Bond….M wouldn't want that."
"Olivia…"
"I'm sorry?"
"Her name…it was Olivia…though she'd have killed me if she'd thought for a moment that I knew that."
"Very well, now listen to me…Olivia wouldn't want you to continue torturing yourself the way you have been. She had her reasons for not telling you she'd been shot, she didn't want you distracted from the task at hand and that was to take out Silva….and that's exactly what you did."
"And the reward was her death, how is that fair, tell me that?"
"It's not, far from it. She still had a lot to give."
"You were forcing her to retire."
"Losing those names…that was a national security cock up that couldn't be justified and she knew that. She gave us her best years and it was time for her to retire and enjoy the rest of her life, spend time with those grandchildren of hers. If there had been a way for her to continue as M then believe me Bond, I would have fought for her, I respected her a great deal, I didn't enjoy putting her through that hearing or forcing her in to retirement but the nod came from above, it was out of my control…all I could do was try to make it easier on her somehow."
James finally looked up to meet Mallory's eyes, concern on his face for the man about to fall apart.
"I don't think I ever properly thanked you for taking that bullet for her in court, did I?"
"I was doing my job."
"You're pretty handy with a gun Sir."
"Would you just call me Mallory or even Gareth for now, Sir makes me sound like someone's father."
"You're not?"
"Confirmed bachelor I'm afraid, never found the right person."
James took note of the word person and not woman when Mallory spoke of his relationship status.
"As I said when we first met…I wasn't always a pencil pusher."
"I get the feeling you'll never be one of those somehow."
"We need you back, people are worried about you. Eve's going crazy with worry, Q's been tracking you to make sure you haven't done anything stupid and Bill, well…I think he's suffering as much loss as you are. You were both the closet to her…I might help to share you loss with him."
"I'm not one for sharing."
…
James got up from the chair and walked over to the window as Mallory straightened up and came to join him.
"I know it doesn't seem like it right now…but it will get easier." His voice softer.
James turned a little to face the older man, the light from the street lamp bringing out the blue in his eyes.
"Why would you want me back after the way I've behaved, kidnapping M, disobeying orders? I decided the day she introduced us that I'd never like you."
"You don't have to like me to do a good job, but it does help. Look Bond, I don't bare any hard feelings. What's past is past, in more ways than one. Let go of your pain, your anger, your hurt. You need to move on, she wouldn't want this for you…I don't want this for you, you deserve to be happy. You're not to blame for happened at Skyfall, she knew that and so do I.
James was now facing Mallory, listening to every word the older man said, most of it sunk in but the idea of letting M go scared him.
"I don't want to forget her." James said quietly.
For the first time ever, Mallory saw the vulnerability in James and all he could think about was how much he wanted to protect him from all the pain and hurt he was experiencing. Mallory put a hand on the side of James arm, his grip strong as James watched him.
"You have so many people around you who love and care about you so much and they want nothing more than to help you through this hard time James."
"Does that include you Sir?" He asked, seriousness evident in his voice.
James felt Mallory squeeze his arm slightly as he watched James closely, unsure of what was actually happening in that moment.
"Of course it does, what ever you need…you only have to ask." He gave a warm smile.
There was so many things running through James head and not even he was absolutely sure what was happening until it happened. One minute they were having a serious heart to heart and the next thing Mallory knew, James had closed the gap between them and his lips had found their way to Mallory's. Everything in that moment was telling him to stop this but then James right hand sneaked its way around Mallory's waist, tugging him closer to James body.
"Bond….you're upset, you're not thinking clearly….you."
"I know what I'm doing, you said move on."
"This isn't what I meant…"
Mallory's breath was warm on James face as he spoke; James could feel him trying to put some distance between them but that only made James grip tighter. He felt himself being backed up against the wall as James placed warm kissed to his neck before removing his hand and unbuttoning Mallory's suit jack.
"If we do this…there's no going back James."
"Then we don't go back." He smiled, whispering against Mallory's ear.
James couldn't remember Gareth Mallory ever looking so scared of what could happen.
"You do want this don't you?"
"I'm not like you James, I don't sleep around."
"I do that as part of my job, I'm not the same person I am out in the field…if you're going to make it work as the new M, then you better know that."
"Just so we're clear."
"Absolutely, you okay?"
All Mallory could do was nod his head as James looked down and took hold of the older mans hand and led him through to his bedroom, he closed the door before turning back to see Mallory watching him. James smiled as he approached Mallory and removed the man's waistcoat before unbuttoning his crisp blue shirt, never taking his eyes off him.
"Not your first time?" Mallory smiled.
"Only once a very long time ago, but it meant nothing."
"And now…what does this mean?"
James smiled before backing Mallory on hovering over him before leaning down to capture his lips.
"It's not nothing."
…
The clock on the bedside table flashed 2am as James turned in Mallory's arms, placing a chaste kiss to his shoulder.
"So…do you believe me…when I told you it wasn't nothing?" James asked.
Mallory looked down at James who was looking a lot better than he did when Mallory had first arrived.
I believe you, now I need you to be honest with me about something?"
"Go on."
"You know you have to face your demons, to face life without M…without Olivia?"
"I know…and I will, if you promise to be with me to help me."
"I'm here." He smiled.
James leaned up and kissed him, running a hand down his arm. "Thank you Mallory."
"Mallory? We've just had sex…I think you can drop the formalities."
"Gareth…it feels off calling you that."
"It's my name, if we continue with this…with us then you'll have to get use to it….if it is indeed what you truly want."
The uncertainty in Mallory's voice didn't go unnoticed by James, who sat up and took Mallory's face in his hands before placing a kiss to his lips.
"This is the one time I've ever been certain of anything, I want this Gareth…I want us."
James brought his arms over Mallory's chest and he lay his head on his shoulder.
"Do you think M would approve of this?" He asked.
"Mmmmm, she's up there right now laughing her ass off at this…let's face it, it's all her doing anyway."
"Oh…"
"If it wasn't for her you wouldn't have come here tonight….but I'm glad you did."
"Sleep James, no more nightmares…just sleep."
Mallory placed a kiss to James head before the two drifted off to sleep, an interrupted sleep.
…
-Fin