Tom Tucker: Welcome to Channel 5 News at 6:00. I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. Tragic news today when my fetus exploded into a million pieces today, causing- Wait a minute, this isn't the story! (Tom smirks) Who wrote this? Huh? (Tom begins to laugh) I should've known! (Tom continues to laugh)
Tom Tucker: Oh, my God! I can't breathe! ! Hoo, hoo! What a hoot!
Diane Simmons: Can someone fire him?
Cameraman: His contract ends in two years. But then, he'll just get it renewed. Plus, the studio doesn't want to fire him. He's too much fun with the kids. (Tom is holding up two puppets, one of a deadbeat and one of a stereotypical business man in a business suit)
Tom Tucker: (as the deadbeat) Come on, man, take the hash. (as the businessman) No! I have a job to get to! (as the deadbeat) Don't you talk back at me! (Tom takes out a supposedly-fake pistol, pulls the trigger, and it actually shoots his hand off, meaning he mistook it for a real pistol) (as himself) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! ! (He starts running around the studio in panic while Diane starts laughing)
Diane Simmons: This is even better than firing him. Anyway, let's go to Stewie Griffin with another segment of You Know What Really Smashes My Vial of Hydrocyanic Acid.
Stewie: Thanks, Diane. You know- (Tom interrupts him with his constant screaming) You- (screaming_ Y- (screaming) (Stewie walks off-screen, we hear a banging sound, then he comes back covered in blood) That oughta shut him up until the ambulance arrives. Now, you know what really smashes my vial of hydrocyanic acid? People who can't keep a promise. You know? I mean, for example, um, let me think of something non-political. Um, my dog, Brian. He promised he'd save me that last piece of meatloaf, but he ate it. Oh, that back-stabbing (bleep) Good bleeping out there, L.H.! Now, as I was saying, eh,- (the screen cuts to black for a few seconds, then cuts to the piano-playing cat on Youtube; When it's over, it cuts back to Stewie)-all those people out there, especially the administration. Now, that's what really- (a person whispers in Stewie's ear) Oh, my God, now who in the hell decided that? Um, ladies and gentlemen, this segment is not getting enough good reviews, so before it is completely cancelled in the next 10 seconds, I would like to read an excerpt from the first from the first Family Guy fan fiction story, published circa 1675. (Stewie pulls a piece of paper out of his desk and puts on a powdered wig) Ahem! "And then, Sir Stewart of the Kingdom Griffin decided that thou shouldth leave thy family to escape thy holiness's will, and, stuck in the outer regions, it would-"
Diane Simmons: And that was it. Coming up, a man and woman who is strangely both genders, after this.