As she stood just before the doorway of the lab at CCPD headquarters, Caitlin was wondering if she should've taken up Cisco's offer.
"So since I'm as bored as I am single, and Iris is working late tonight, Barry and I are going out to have some fun with a side of a few drinks. We all need a bit of a break from this trying-to-change-the-future stuff. And as you know, a hero he may be, but Barry Allen cannot wingman for shit, so I was wondering if you'd like to come out as well? You and I, we can be each other's wingpeople! Wadda you say?"
Caitlin rolled her eyes before muttering, "I think you should go help your best friend develop his wingmanning skills, or maybe you can take Wally and get him to be your wingman, 'cause I'm not really feeling it tonight."
"C'mon! I mean, you haven't dated or even hooked up with anyone since He Who Shall Not Be Named, and I'm sure it's almost statistically impossible that you could date two homicidal metahuman maniacs from another Earth in a row, so please Caity! It'll be fun!"
"OK, number one, don't call me Caity, and number two, I'm not saying 'no' because I'm not ready to get back 'out there'. Now, you and Barry go have fun."
"Why are you saying 'no' then?"
As she began walking out of the Cortex to leave, Caitlin called back, "Don't you worry about it. Also, I'm telling Barry to watch that you don't drunk dial or text Lisa Snart again."
"Hey, you know that only happened once and that I hit the wrong name in my contacts! And don't think you're off the hook Caitlin Snow!"
Now that she was already here though, there was no point turning around. This bullshit needed to be resolved.
Julian's bullshit of giving more mixed signals than a broken traffic light, specifically.
It had begun at the West family Christmas get-together. She'd originally invited him to join them out of completely platonic pity, of this she had been sure. She had also been sure that him declining to do so had only made her slightly disappointed. Slightly.
And that when he had changed his mind and shown up after all, along with an invitation for Barry to return to the CCPD, she had been a lot... happier than she'd expected to find herself.
Also, Julian had come wearing a suit.
It was a nice suit.
A suit could make almost any man hot, in the doctor's opinion, as could a British accent and blonde hair and bright blue eyes.
But all four in combination? Fuck.
She had chosen to shove that thought out the door like an unwanted guest, and for most of the night, that strategy had worked. A few eggnogs later, however, and after Barry and Iris had left and Cisco had taken HR's drunk ass back to his apartment ("There's no way I'm leaving anyone this wasted alone with all our stuff at STAR Labs, especially not him") and Wally had fallen asleep in one of the lounge chairs and Joe had excused himself and Cecile to go to bed, only Caitlin and Julian were left, still sitting on the couch, deep in conversation.
"OK let me just address the elephant in the room and wonder aloud why he didn't kick us out. I mean, they're clearly shagging as we speak," Julian said in a voice that Caitlin found to be surprisingly nonchalant.
"Julian, come here."
Confused, he cautiously moved closer to her on the couch. Grinning, she whispered in his ear, "Your British is showing."
She burst into giggles, making him chuckle too. "Was it really that obvious?" he asked with mock indignation.
"Not until you said that word." God, she hoped she wasn't slurring, because she wasn't sober enough to tell.
"Which one?"
"Shagging," she drawled, making her best drunken effort to mimic his accent.
"Shagging?" he murmured with a scoff.
"Yes, shagging. It's such a funny word!"
Before they knew it they were both in fits of laughter uncharacteristic for both of them, and it's as her silly giggling dies down that she notices his arm, now showing as he's long since discarded his suit jacket and rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt.
His injury had just about healed, but not quite. Not quite the colour and texture that it should've been. He catches her staring, but before he can speak, she says, "I'm so sorry about that. I didn't mean to hurt you or take you hostage, I just... wasn't myself. But that's not gonna happen again, because I have these cuffs on my arms now to stop her from coming back. I get it though if you're, still, uh, carrying some resentment... about that."
She must sound like a complete idiot right now, all drunk and painfully apologetic.
He lets out a heavy sigh before whispering, "Now that would be a case of the pot calling the kettle black. You really think I can be one to talk, now that I'm apparently Alchemy? We're both victims of the same curse, Caitlin. The curse of the metas."
"How are you feeling anyway, since you, uh, found out?"
"Well... I mean, of course I'm upset about it, but if Emma's death taught me anything it was how to compartmentalise."
She lets out a humourless chuckle as she says, "Well, you're doing better than me. My husband died twice and I still haven't learnt."
At this his ears prick up. "Your husband?"
She had ended up telling him everything. From the initial particle accelerator explosion to both of Ronnie's deaths, from the whole Jay/Hunter debacle to her struggle in the wake of her strengthening powers. In return, he'd given her the unabridged story of his family, Emma's death, his futile attempt to save her and, because he'd been tipsy and at that point had really no more reason not to, he had added in the comparatively minor drama of coming out as bisexual to his parents.
That was the last thing she could recall before waking up on Joe's couch the next morning, with a blanket draped over her and the expected next-morning nausea. No one had seen Julian leave, but his call to Joe thanking him for the hospitality had assured Caitlin that he'd safely made his own way home.
The next time that they'd seen each other, neither could work up the courage to acknowledge the elephant in the room, and so things had gone back to being business as usual between them. But even though things had returned to being business as usual, there had been a noticeable change in their interactions. She'd caught him staring sometimes, despite the fact that he'd apparently forgotten how to maintain continuous eye contact for more than three seconds. She'd pondered over the stiff sort of small smile he'd offer when they'd been forced to be in the same room together. She'd taken note of the few passing compliments, never said appreciatively or amazedly, but more as a matter-of-fact.
And that was how and why she now found herself here, pausing before taking the metaphorical leap and walking briskly into the lab, doing her best to convey confidence. Julian turned towards her in his chair at the sound of her footsteps, greeting her with a surprised-sounding "Dr Snow."
She took a deep breath before meeting his eyes. "We need to talk about the elephant."
"Which elephant?"
Pointing to him and to herself, she replied "This elephant. Don't pretend you can't see it, we are both too smart to be bullshitting each other."
He sighed softly before leaning back in his chair and said, "If you're right about anything, it's this. What do you want me to say to you, Caitlin?"
His use of her first name softened her a bit, so she managed to speak without sounding too exasperated.
"I want you to acknowledge that we had a moment on Christmas Eve. I want you to tell me why you're acting like you want me but at the same time you're so hesitant and awkward about it."
He stared at the floor, looking ashamed and not saying anything until Caitlin snapped as did her resolve to not sound frustrated or angry.
"It's because you're still afraid of me isn't it? Admit it! Only now it's even worse because you now know that I'm a nice person and that you like me, but when you look at me you still see her! Look, I told you that I'm not her, and that I'm not going to become her again because I can control it now, and I don't know why you don't believe me because-"
"Caitlin!" he shouted, sounding not angry but annoyed. "Let me talk please."
She gave a small nod, so he stood and began talking.
"I am not afraid of you. I believe you when you say that you have your powers under control, OK? I do. And as much of a clichéd twat that I'm going to sound like when I say this, it really isn't you, it's me. Unlike you, I don't know if I'll be able to keep the darkness out if Barry's vision of the future comes true and Savitar comes back. Hell, I couldn't even stop myself from spilling to you my whole life story, so what is there to suggest I can keep myself from succumbing and becoming Alchemy again, should that monster return? It would be selfish of me to get involved with another person when I know that I can't even trust myself not to hurt them."
Throughout his speech, Caitlin had needed to stop herself from interrupting Julian several times. Now all she could do was stand in stunned silence.
He broke it by gently asking, "Is that the answer you were looking for?"
"You know that we're working to stop Savitar from coming back, and that the future isn't set," she whispered.
"You know that whatever plan you come up with might not work, and that there's a reason that that was the future Allen saw."
"You know better than to live your life based on fear of a future that will probably not even happen, and that even if that future does come we should make the most of our time before it. You know that you're an idiot and a coward if you let me go because you're afraid, and you know that you don't deserve to be alone forever."
He took a step closer to her, offering an unreadable expression.
"I really hate you, you know," he said. "I hate that you're everything; you're beautiful, intellectual, amusing. I hate that you're one of the few people intelligent enough to hold your own in conversation with me. I hate that you had to bring up this so-called elephant, and I hate that you have a sense of stubbornness that nearly rivals my own."
With the beginnings of a smirk, Caitlin gasped, "My stubbornness nearly rivals yours? If this conversation's proven anything, it's that my stubbornness leaves yours in the dust."
Then her hand's resting comfortably on the back of his neck and she's pulling his face towards hers. Their noses bump, but they choose to ignore the hilarity of that situation in favour of locking their lips together while hands roam and tongues caress. They kiss and it feels so good, it's been a while since either of them have gotten to do this with anyone. Far too soon they're out of breath and they have to separate for air, grinning and embracing each other close as they do so.
They spend a little more time kissing, until Caitlin decides to speak during one of their breaks for air.
She whispers, "Now I'm not usually this forward, but it's been long enough for me, so I gotta ask..."
She deliberately pauses until his eyes are positively boring into hers in anticipation.
In the most hilariously bad fake British accent she can muster up, she asks, "...are you up for shagging?"
They both burst out laughing and Caitlin could almost swear that Julian is tearing up from chuckling as he gathers up his things to go. They both know better than to fool around in the lab.
"My place? I'll drive," Caitlin smiles.
"So you expect me to leave my car here so you can drive me here tomorrow and let me do the walk of shame back up to my lab, where Allen will no doubt notice that I'm wearing the same clothes as I did today?" Julian remarks, with a warm smile and a hand on the small of her back to assure her he's joking.
"You know at one point I was worried that maybe you'd developed a crush on him. Barry, I mean," Caitlin admits.
With a sarcastic tone and a jokingly exasperated look, Julian mutters, "Please, he's not my type, I'm clearly interested in somebody else, and above all else, I hate that guy."