Title: Twilight Symphony
Author: Circus_Fish
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't ask, don't sue...been there, bought the shirt, right?
a/n: The (second person) POV of some bloke, who remembers his school days and thus Sirius' and Remus' interactions. This chapter will be the only one to show this POV, the following chaps are written in your usual third person perspective.
The Bonfire of Interest or The Colour of their Tears
It was 1973, somewhere around march, when you decided, rather foolishly, to act like a complete and utter imbecile.
Now, years later, you can not understand what propelled you to do so, to corner someone who, in hindight, was so obviously not interested in you, your life, or whatever it was that ran through that thick, unthinking skull of yours, but back then it seemed like the ideal thing to do-
to ask Remus John Lupin, member of the infamous marauders, prefect extraordinaire, about the things he disliked the most.
A lot of time has passed since then, a hundred black marks have singed the sky, and thousand of people have shed a million of tears, and yet, inspite of all the horror, you can still remember the smile Remus offered you for your ridiculous question.
It was a friendly smile, polite. Free of malice and liberated of any kind of gelid amusement, and while it warmed you down to your tiny toes, it was also so very, very, very fake. Back then, in this strange march of unique importance, this realisation eluded you, just like it eluded most people who spoke with Remus and who believed, so easily, that the smiles they received were indead healthy.
You wonder now, and gape at your own obliviousness while doing so, how you could have overlooked it, how you could have missed the fact, that the boy's eyes were halfway closed and dull when he smiled at you, whereas they were wide open and burning when his friends surrounded him.
His friends, James and Sirius, who managed to be legends when they were only children, when they were alive and seemingly mortal, and who would decend into the stuff of myths with their deaths.
You remember that fake smile -and the smiles you saw flying past you, when Remus was with his group of friends, the smiles ge gave most frequently when he was with Sirius Black, who always appeared to be standing the closest to the sandy haired boy- and you remember the look the two other boys, again at his side, again giving comfort, again being family, shared at your question-
and you remember, of course, the unrestrained laughter that followed only shortly afterwards.
You can not be angry anymore at their behaviour, can not condem them any longer- you know, now, how stupid and rude, how mind blowingly weird your question had been- , but you remember feeling hurt and embarassed and so incredible violated that you wished to just stop existing in this very moment.
For Hogwart's best athlete and it's best looking student were laughing at you and you had never felt as insignificant, as ridiculous.
It cost some time for James and Sirius to sober, cost time for everything to be quiet enough so that Remus could answer your question- You could not understand what was so funny, anyway- and just wished for them to be their divine self somewhere else- and then the sandy-haired youth gazed at you and lulled you, without ill meaning, into treacly illusions.
All those years ago, the prefect started like this:
"I dislike the mango pudding that is served here every friday, the portrait of Lavanya Bigott on the second floor- she is rude and loud and alltogether too strict. I dislike the colour pink, the smell of the flower we're currently supposed to replant in herbeology - how can one replant something when it has teeth?! Honestly, I shall never understand this...- and I do not have any affinity for wolfsbane in general. Furthermore I dislike divination for it's utter nonsense and- "
Remus paused mid-sentence to look at his friends and claim:
"-loud, obnoxious people, whose egos are the size of the great hall and who, in addition, can not control their mouths- and their words- even if their grades depend on it. A fact that happens to be quite comically, because they still get top grades. In addition people who do not pick up a book unless to throw it are all evil to me--"
This declaration gave birth to roaring laughter. The light haired boy crossed his arms -while he was, obviously remembering said incident- and pouted, which, inspite of the manic act of laughing his heart out, did not go unnoticed by the young Black. Still chuckling, Sirius wound his own arms around Remus' slender frame and rested his chin on the smaller boy's shoulder. Surprisingly enough, Remus did neither flinch nor stiffen; instead, he nestled, almost comforted, back against the taller boy.
In Black's strangely inimate embrace, he ended his story like this:
"What I dislike the most though, is the night sky."
With that said, he wished you a good evening and left with his friends for his next class. The boy did not look back, but James and Sirius did, grinning broadly. You were alone, gobsmacked and tried, vehementaly, to rearrange the thoughts inside your head. Remus' answer had been anything but expected and you still remember the feel of the cold confusiom upon your tongue.
All those years ago you deemed this whole situation unfair, thought it unjust to be left in the dark like this...
Now, you know that you had seen your first ray of light, the first whisper of truth.
"Blimey, Remus what was that supposed to be?! You don't like the pudding that is served on friday?! Why in the name of Merlin's pink beard were you naming that of all things?!"
James was grinning,
"Well, I do not like it. I also do not like the portrait."
as was Sirius.
"--but you know that her name is Vita, right? --And that instead of being rude, the good chick is rather lazy? So lazy in fact, that she forgets her very own passwords?"
and Remus started to be coloured by their vivid hues of mirth, as well.
"Maybe...?"
"You are also aware, that you just said you disliked some of your classes? What has gotten into you, mate?"
"Well, you see dearest Jamie, that deduction is not quite right. After all divination is not even one of his own classes."
"Well, I still do not like it; and I will not. Ever."
the true smile that had come to live across Remus' face faltered, stumbled in the intense pain, but then there were Sirius' arm around his shoulder; a warm, secure weight pulling him away from his fears, his worries, pulling him away from himself.
James, for once, was silent. His smile had not evaporated, had not left but remained at the corner of his mouth, but the hazel eyes behind his glasses lingered protectively on his friends, who he wanted to be content and safe more than anything else.
Sirius' grin was still alive, pseudo-uncaring to the darkness that was eating away at his friends; the things was, that the black haired boy had nothing else to do, no other solution but to grin and raise his eyebrows over eyes which were showing a steady inner rainfall.
His mask, his grin was the sole thing he had which could substitute for his friend's compassion when he was away, when he was trapped in his family's madness and wandering through the bloodied halls of Grimmauld Place. Sirius himself did not want to know what lay benath his grinning lips, just as he could not bring himself to look benath the surface of the walls in london; he suspected that both things were soiled, dripping wet-with the past's tears, its gore, its hideous crimes-and brittle.
Sirius gazed with those fooling silver eyes at Remus,
"--and why may that be, dearest ball of fluff? It could not possible be, that our dearest professor Mc Fasel has predicted my early death? Remus! That guy bathes in mushroom extract! You can not possible believe what he says?!"
"He should not have said that, that's all I'm saying. I mean he can not go around and predict people's lives and especially not their deaths!"
"Oh yes, he can Remus. He's our divination professor after all; I mean I was actually lucky that he did not predict my being impotent or crippled or something; let me assure you, he's quite fond of doing that."
James' blush was telling an unfriendly, unhappy tale and led to Remus frowing up at the Black heir.
"You can't be serious about that."
he had not even fully registered what he said before the frown came to rest upon his features.
"Of course he's Sirius about that! He is Sirius- in the flesh, or have you already forgotten about your dear, beloved dormmate? Shame on you lupin! Bad furrball!"
"No, I do not think that he has forgotten me, Jamie, but I think that you would like to forget that eerie Mc Fasel has seen you impotent when you where 30, my dear Evans-obsessed mate."
For the next few minutes there was spluttering, cursing -luckily not literary, Hogwart's student populution was still suffering from yesterday's prank of unexpectadly growing body parts- and James trying, desperately, to defend his fungus-like dignity:
"He did not say, that I'd be impotent, you daft git! Fasel only mumbled something inane about me having no children after I turn 30, which can mean a damn lot of things, beside that! And anyway, Pete is the one he saw crippled, not me."
"--and anyway, James, Remus loves me too much to forget about me, right?"
Sirius looked into the werewolf's eyes and it would be the his turn to blush hotly and the bespacled boy's to laugh. Absolutely not knowing how close he came to discover the truth, Sirius would pull the smaller boy closer and ruffle his hair.
it was 1973, somewhere around march, when you decided, rather foolishly, to act like a complete and utter imbecile.
..
Now, years later, you still remember the smile which he bestowed so kindly, so lyingly upon you.
The sandy haired boy had told you many things, most of them which you did not expect; most of the things he disliked would never find its way to you.
Remus could have told you, all those years ago, that, at the moment he disliked you for voicing a quetion which you did not truly to be answered honestly.
For, what would youhave done where he to breath that his dislikes were silver, the full moon and his scars- what would you have said?
Can you truly claim that you could have looked at him and not seen a monster? Can you indeed--?
There was a reason why Remus told these kind of things only to James and Sirius, you can guess which, can you not?
There are certain truths in life that one can not stomach; that is why he lied this smile for you and why, even when he loved them dearly, he did not tell everything to his friends.
For, what would they do, if they knew that he did not dislike the full moon as much as he let on, simply because Sirius would care for him at his time of need?
Could they still laugh with him? He thought so, but with this truth came another, far more dangerous one, and a new, hovering question-
What would his friends do, wonderful as they were, if they were aware that he disliked every girl that Sirius ever had, and not for the reason a friend should do so?
What would his friends do, if they found out that he was jealous of these girls? That he would like to sit in Sirius' lap and share his bed?
Remus hated himself for this; for his thoughts, his dreams, for the things that he thought could not be right, but could not be righted either.
He hated himself and found himself frequently wishing for a cure which did not exist and would likely never come into existence.
The werewolf had tried to bury his feeligs, had tried to tell himself that it was an insignificant, but understandable crush, but even denial only worked for so long.
After he came to terms with his feelings -the shivers, the jolts, the everything- he decided that he could not stop it, but that he could not burden the other with it either.
Or anyone, for that matter.
So when Remus was asked about what he disliked the most, he would tell you anything as long as you would stop prying.
His problem was that poor, intelligent, kind remus lacked the dark talents of mankind. He was bad at lying, too klutzy to avoid somebody over an extended period of time (eventually -most likely while he tried to read and walk and worry at the same time- he would literally fall into the very person he tried to avoi ) and too honest to be any good at secrecy.
Mind you, he could hide the secrets of others very well, (who knew that Potter wore pink socks over an entire school year? Or that Pettigrew was afraid of cats? So much so, in fact, that he could pass out, hopefully nowhere near you for he was quite the heavy boy, very easily? Who knew that that Black had a breakdown after his first time? That he was twelve?) just not his own, these were always discovered rather fast.
Now, you could say that this was not really his fault, after all, how was he supposed to keep things secret from somebody as smart as James or somebody as bright as Sirius? No thought, no secret, no nothing was safe from these two, and that was precisely what made this situation difficult.
Without knowing it, without wanting it, the sandy haired boy has sparked a flame of interest in his friend Sirius Black. The flame that had once been small and sickly had burned since their first meeting, and was by now a bonfire.
This bonfire of interest made Sirius very observant around the younger boy, and Remus' crush on the other made it all the more difficult for him to hide his feelings.
So when the lycan went out of his way to keep something secret, Sirius went out of his way to find out about it.
It was obvious, that it was only a matter of time, until the black haired youth discovered the others secret-his feelings.
How would you have reacted if Remus had told you?
Do you know, can you guess?
It is your luck that your reaction does not, did not matter, but Sirius'
Do you know, can you imagine how he reacted, in the last months of 1973, when he found out?
No? then let's draw this lover's tale for you, in the colour of their tears.