(Lily walks in on Snape crying in the corner of the boys dorm)
Lily: Snape, you are a sad virgin.
Snape: (sniffs) I know, I simply don't know what to do.
Lily: (slyly) Well...
Snape: Well what?
Lily: (twirls hair) There could be a solution to the problem...
Snape: Great! What is it?
Lily: (unbuttons shirt) Say if a certain close friend were to help...
Snape: Who?
Lily: (Takes shirt off) A certain red headed girl you've known most of your life...
Snape: I'm still not following you.
Lily: You know who!
Snape: Voldemort?
(Lily pounces on Snape and thirty seconds of awkwardness follows)
Lily: ...
Snape: (weeps)
Crabbe Senior: Just throwing it out there, but I've actually been in this room the whole time.
(Two months later, on the school grounds)
Lily: (to Snape) I'm pregnant.
Snape: Oh Lily! Our very own baby! We'll call it Severus Junior and love it and feed it and bathe it and -
Lily: (cuts Snape off) James Potter is the father.
Snape: You whore!
James: (Pops up) Looks like I have the dominant sperm count Snape m'boy. (Claps Snape on the shoulder)
Snape: (Zaps James in the crotch with his wand) Take that!
James: My sperm!
Lily: Stop it Snape!
James: (Zaps Snape in the crotch with his wand)
Lily: Stop it James!
(Peter Pettigrew walks by)
Pettigrew: Hey guys, what's going -
(Both Snape and James zap Pettigrew in the crotch with their wands)
Pettigrew: Yargh! (writhes on the floor)
James: That'll keep you from breeding.
Pettigrew: Actually, I've already bred with several rat friends.
Snape: ...
Lily: ...
James: ... (zaps Pettigrew in the crotch eliminating any remaining sperm for the rest of his life)
Pettigrew: (continues to writhe on the floor)
(Sirius walks up)
Sirius: What's happening guys?
James: I got Lily preggers!
Sirius: Way to go!
(James and Sirius high five)
Snape: Excuse me? Yeah, hi. Can we please finish what we started?
Lily: Please, no more violence!
James: (raises hand) Let me handle this babe.
Lily: Oh alright Toerag-ikins.
James: I propose a wizard duel, and whoever wins gets to marry Lily.
Lily: WHAT.
Snape: Done.
James: 11 tonight at the shrieking shack, be there.
(Later that night...)
(Snape is walking through the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack. He hears groaning and moaning coming from the other end of the tunnel)
Snape: (to self) What is this, an orgy?
(Snape bursts into room)
Snape: Alright James, let's do this-
(Snape stops at the sight of all the animals)
Snape: (splutters and points) Anime-gus! Ani-mungus!
James/Stag: RNEAAAAAAAH
Sirius/Dog: GRAAAAAAAHRH
Remus/Werewolf: ARWHOOOOOOOO
Pettigrew/Rat: squeak
(Remus/Werewolf pounces at Snapes throat and-)
TO BE CONTINUED
If you want Remus to attempt to maul Snapes face, please state "maul" in the review.
If you want Snape to zap Remus in the crotch, please state "crotch" in the review.
If you want everyone to make peace and have a giant orgy, please state "giant" in the review.